What Harry Potter (and the Chamber of Secrets) taught me:

1. House elves are super creepy and also very underused considering the range of magic they can perform in situations where wizards can't (yes, Book 7 chapter 23, I'm talking about you)

2. Finding your best friend's windows literally barred shut is not a warning bell at all

3. Apparently wizarding children don't trick-or-treat on Halloween on account of their houses being miles apart from any neighbors, or, you know, warded and invisible to anyone who doesn't know where it is

4. When hosting a famous friend in your house remember to inform your little sister of that fact before she wanders downstairs unprepared

5. It is a great idea to let the kid who has never travelled by Floo before do it alone

6. Gilderoy Lockhart is kind of a super evil genius. Kids had to buy every single one of his books as required reading

7. When the magical barrier to the train doesn't let you through the only smart thing to do is to fly your car to Hogwarts despite the fact that you have no idea where it's located

8. Having a tree whose sole purpose is to whomp is great decoration for school grounds

9. Howlers are very fun but I'm super glad that they're not real. Also, why wouldn't someone at Hogwarts learn how to make one and then send it to other kids?

10. Mandrakes are the most disturbing plants in the history of the entire (magical) world

11. As a professor it is important to carefully overlook any student who has a wand which has been repaired with Spellotape. Probably nothing bad will happen anyway

12. On a scale of insults, Mudblood isn't really that bad and it's actually more amusing when you watch Draco's face scrunch up when he says it

13. The Basilisk is kind of a fail. Seriously. One death in how many attacks? Also, why is it constantly talking to itself as it wanders through the pipes?

14. Twelve year old wizarding children are much brighter and more mischievious than Muggle twelve year olds. That or they just lack empathy. (Who else at that age, in good conscience, could drug two classmates and stuff them in a closet or purposefully explode a cauldron to create a distraction?)

15. Lockhart is probably suffering from some sort of mental problem since he failed to notice Snape's positively feral smile when he asked him to be his dueling assistant

16. If you have a hidden talent it is best to divulge it in front of all of your peers, hopefully in a way where it will be misinterpreted and cause them to fear you

17. Snakes are evil

18. If a slightly creepy diary starts writing back to you and shows you a memory implying that a dear friend is a murderer you can be sure that it's telling the truth

19. Lucius Malfoy is one of the only men alive who can pull off the long-hair-pulled-back-with-a-freaking-bow look

20. Hagrid sucks at dropping hints

21. When you and a best friend follow spiders (which your friend is deathly afraid of) into the Forbidden Forest alone at night and said friend tries to get your attention while you talk to the biggest spider in the world who wants to eat you both, you should probably pay attention to what your friend wants

22. When going to confront a Basilisk in the Chamber of Secrets, your smartest option is to bring along the professor who's biggest achievement is Best Smile

23. If you find yourself blacking out multiple times and you're eleven years old and not an alcoholic, you should probably let someone know what's going on

24. Tom Riddle at 16 was super pretentious. And kind of a douche.

25. Last minute point awards at the Award Ceremony that only help one House and happen two years in a row is kind of a dick move