A/N: I have no idea where this came from- but enjoy it either way

Warning: Language, slight violence, character OOC...

Disclaimer: If I owned Naruto- everything would probably be very screwed up -_-u

Modern AU

^v^

Deidara groggily rubbed the sleep from his dulled eyes, dragging himself down the nearest empty street. "Coffee..."

His work clothes were crumpled from his stagger out the house and his tie was wrapped haphazardly around his neck. In fact, if someone were to pull from behind, he would most certainly die. But he didn't exactly care about his appearance at the moment. It was barely the crack of dawn, dew hanging off from the trees above and the city lights just starting to flicker on. None of the buildings or shops had even begun to open.

That meant he had no chance of getting his morning coffee.

...Crap.

Deidara stopped outside his favorite cafe. It didn't seem to register to him that there was a closed sign on the door until after he tried to push the swinging doors open and found it locked.

He blinked before grabbing the double door handles and giving a fierce tug.

Still closed.

Deidara growled something that sounded like a curse before tugging again.

The results were the same.

Deidara's eyes narrowed. "I've got this in the bag," he muttered. He then proceeded to shake the locked doors like a madman until all energy had drained from his body. With a defeated sigh he stepped back, hanging his arms like a dejected child. "Dammit un..."

Now what happened?

He had a job he was supposed to get to in less than half an hour, but there was no way he would make it without his coffee. Kami-sama he LIVED off of that stuff.

But if he didn't get to the job, his cousin would accuse him of slacking off and try to get their boss to fire him.

Not that he hadn't been faced with the threat before.

"Danna's such a jerk," the blonde muttered to himself. Then again- he never got up at five in the morning for anything. His older cousin was lucky he even decided to get out of bed and do something productive. Despite being a part-time artist beforehand, Sasori insisted that he get a steady job. To fall back on if business didn't work out.

Slowly, Deidara turned from the closed cafe and started wandering down the rest of the streets. He never really noticed how many shops weren't open in the morning until now.

Coffee-deprivation worked wonders.

Deidara kicked at a loose pebble in the crack of the sidewalk. "I want my coffee," he moaned into the open air.

And then he paused, a light going off in his head.

A devious smile spread across his face as he knelt to pick a decent sized rock off the empty road.

"Coffee time..." he snickered to himself.

~X~

Zetsu was cruising along the barren city streets in his police car, idly scanning the buildings as he passed. He was heading home after night patrol and was looking forward to a good day's rest.

All hopes of sleep was destroyed as he turned the corner.

"Oh good God- it's this kid again," Madara muttered from next to him, staring out the window.

A familiar blonde the pair of officers dealt with on a regular basis was in front of a popular cafe.

With his foot stuck in one of the window panes.

He was now trying to break the surprisingly tough glass surface with a rock he must have picked up alongside the street. But whether it was in an attempt to set his foot free or break into the coffee shop completely, neither officer knew.

Zetsu rolled his eyes, already pulling the car over to the curb. "We have no choice but to take care of it."

Madara sighed heavily, getting his tazer out his belt. "One normal day is all I want. But noo. The local coffee addict has to have his daily dose of caffeine. Why don't his friends just buy a coffee machine and be done with it? You know- so he can't endanger society?"

Zetsu opted to block out the man's complaining in favor of grabbing a tiny bottle of pepper spray. "Because then they'd have to deal with him. Now come on," he grumbled, getting out his car.

Madara made a few faces but followed after the pale man anyway. "Damn kids..."

~X~

Kakuzu was working peacefully in his tiny cubicle, writing out a report with a good old-fashioned pencil. He was actually enjoying the early morning time he and his fellow workers were forced to come to the job. Everything was calm and not hectic like the afternoon group that came in later. Honestly- sunlight caused everyone to release endorphins in this place.

And everyone knew what happened when endorphins got released.

Things blew up. People shouted pointlessly at one another. They threw desks and computers in fits of anger.

Kakuzu seemed to forget that a person didn't exactly need endorphins to do those things.

"AHAHAHAHAHA! No way! You damn idiot!"

Some people were just born to make a person's fantasy life a horrible nightmare.

"No...peace and quiet..." Kakuzu growled, standing up from his desk to glare at Hidan as he strode by. He grabbed the man by the back of his work shirt before he could walk off. "What are you doing?" he dangerously asked.

"MORNIN' KAKUZU!" Hidan pleasantly screamed, completely ignorning him.

Kakuzu popped a vein. "QUIT SHOUTING!"

Hidan stuck on his tongue.

Kakuzu released a vicious sounding howl, ripping his cabinet out of the wall before throwing it at the rambunctious man. "LEAVE THIS AREA NOW!"

Hidan ducked, eyes wide with humor as the cabinet exploded against the office wall. Then he grinned. "YOU MISSED DUMBASS!"

"HIDAN!" Kakuzu roared.

Hidan was laughing loudly as he talked on a wireless office phone, running towards a section of identical cubicles in the back of the large department. "No fuckin' way dude. What the hell is wrong with you?"

"Shut up Hidan!" the voice on the other end shouted in embarrassment.

Hidan continued to laugh anyway. "You crack me up you little fucker! You really do!"

"It's not funny un!"

The silver-haired man skidded to a halt inside a co-worker's office, grinning lopsidedly. "Hey Sasori!" he greeted.

Dark brown eyes stared at him as the redhead sitting at his desk pushed back in his chair to look at the intruder. "What are you doing in here? And why were you laughing so obnoxiously?"

"It's Deidara," Hidan sniggered, holding the phone towards the redhead. "He wants to fucking talk to you."

Sasori eyed the obviously giddy man, taking the offered piece of machinery before shooing Hidan out of his cubicle.

Hidan rolled his eyes and left, face silly in amusement.

Sasori turned his attention to the phone. "Hello?"

"It's me."

"No shit. Where the hell are you?" Sasori asked, shuffling through a stack of papers. He chose to use his shoulder to hold his phone up to his ear.

"Um...jail...?"

Sasori dropped his papers in shock. "WHAT!"

Hidan's laughter could be heard from across the room.

"Geez! You don't have to shout!"

Sasori felt an eye twitch as he moved to pick the scattered documents off of the floor. "How..just...how did you end up in jail?"

"The cops found me breaking into the cafe. You know- the one a few blocks from the office un?"

"Don't sound so proud about something like that," Sasori muttered, standing back up. "Why did you even call?"

"Because I need you to call a lawyer for me. These fruit cups want to send me to court and lock me up forever hmm! As if I'm some sort of psycho!"

"Well most people don't break into a coffee shop to make their own coffee at five in the morning brat." Sasori threw his papers onto his desk and then placed a hand on his hip, looking aggravated. "And why didn't it occur to you to call a lawyer first? Why should I have to do it?"

"I don't know any lawyers though. And I wanted to hear my cousin's oh-so-charming voice un."

"I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that and get back to work."

"..."

"What?"

"You can't go back to work danna!"

Sasori twitched. "Quit...shouting..."

"BUT YOU CAN'T JUST LEAVE ME HERE UN!"

"Shut up and stop whining!" Sasori yelled into the phone.

"I DON'T WANNA DIE!"

"You're not going to die-"

"HURRY UP AND SAVE ME SASORI-NO-DANNA!"

Sasori's eye violently twitched. "I'm going to hang up now."

"WAIT-!"

With several tic marks plastered to the back of his head and a slightly demented smile, Sasori hung up, chucking the phone at his computer monitor.

Luckily it only left a few cracks.

Kakuzu would become livid if he had to buy the redhead another computer- making it the ninth one that week. The much older man had already told him he wasn't getting him a computer if this one broke. And he really didn't prefer to write with a pen and paper. He'd be at the office forever. Though with a co-worker like Deidara, he wasn't getting any of his work done anyway.

Sasori sighed in annoyance, grabbing his coat and office key. "What a moron..."

Kisame poked his head from around his cubicle as Sasori passed. "Where ya going?" he curiously asked.

Sasori waved a hand behind him. "Going to bail Deidara-no-baka out of jail. Again."

"Your cousin's a psycho."

"Tell me something I don't know."

Kisame chuckled, pulling his head back into his office as the redhead disappeared down the hall.

Itachi walked into his friend's office a moment later. "What was all that shouting about?" he questioned while handing the older man a manilla folder.

"Deidara was at it again," Kisame snickered, accepting the file and beginning to flick through it.

Itachi sighed, stepping back. He gazed out the office window where he could make out the small form of Sasori heading down the road. A few seconds passed before he said, "I knew Pein should have kept the coffee machine."

"He said no one would be able to focus with that thing in the same vicinity as us," Kisame responded, studying a particularly interesting picture of a horse-rabbit hybrid.

Itachi stared at him. "And having one of his youngest worker's in jail on a daily basis for breaking into the same cafe almost everyday isn't going to distract anyone?"

Kisame laughed. "Apparently not."

~X~

When Sasori walked into the police station, he found two haggard-looking officers handing his younger cousin a container of coffee mix at the entrance's front desk.

"And I don't want to see you in here for another few years," a brunette was growling.

Deidara rolled his eyes, accepting the container. "I wouldn't have to be in here if you would just leave me alone hmm."

Madara felt an eye twitch. "Leaving you alone for even more than one minute endangers the entire world and those around you."

Deidara glared. "I don't think you're allowed to say that un."

Madara raised a fist, vein popping. "Try saying that again..."

Zetsu pushed the two away from one another, sighing. "Enough. All you two do is bicker."

Deidara sniffed, looking at the other officer. "I can't help it. He's such a grouch. But you're pretty nice," he commented.

Luckily Sasori came up and interrupted before Madara could lunge.

"I don't know why I even bother coming here anymore," he said, lifting his brows at the taller blonde that had turned to look at him. "I should just leave you here to rot."

Deidara grinned. "You actually came for me danna!" he exclaimed.

"I don't feel like hearing Pein yell at me for leaving you here," Sasori said. "So shut up and get in the car outside. You're already late for work and this just gives him all the more reason to lay you off."

Deidara's lips turned up into a smirk at this. "Yeah but your brother likes me un. And this is all his fault anyway!"

Sasori's brow quirked. "I. Don't. Care. Car...now."

"Yeah whatever," Deidara laughed, jabbing a thumb at a seething Madara. "I didn't feel like being here with this ojii-chan anyway."

Madara's brows furrowed in anger. "Why you-"

"Please just watch over him more carefully," Zetsu murmured in a low tone, rubbing his brow as Deidara ran towards the exit with a snicker.

"You expect me to watch over that?" Sasori muttered. But he shook his head and quickly hurried after the blonde before he got hit by a car like the day before.

Zetsu watched the redhead leave and then groaned. "I...need...sleep!"

"Five bucks he'll be at it again tomorrow," Madara said, coming up to the desk.

Zetsu rolled his eyes, resting his chin in his palm in exhaustion. "I'm not even going to take you up on that one."

A/N: Deidara's such a child sometimes :P

I decided to post this since most updates for my stories won't be coming out until this weekend. I have Band camp this week.