THE DUMMY'S GUIDE TO AFTERLIFE

ADMITTANCE:

It is important to note that Afterlife is a successful club of the elite persons, high-paying citizens, and VIP members courtesy of Aria T'Loak. Entry to the club can be obtained in a variety of fashions, but is usually gained through the tradition of bribery at each of the clubs entrances. Bribes are not consistent in pricing, wholly dependent upon: your appeal, your sex, and suaveness of your approach.

The manner of your dress will directly affect the guards' perceptions of you. Therefore, it is important to dress for the occasion. This does not, however, mean that you should go to the most expensive shop around and blow credits on the most expensive garment available. The bouncers of Afterlife have been trained to recognize fake money from the suave personality. A street tough capable of maintaining his cool stands a higher chance of admittance than does a blundering fool in an expensive suit.

NOTE: Attempting to gain access through banter with the bouncer will result in the rough treatment of your person. If you desire to gain entry with your limbs intact, you are advised to not insult, under-bribe, or make comments about the intelligence of the bouncer guarding the door. The guards are often chosen for their brute strength and will not take kindly to offensive mannerisms. (It should be further noted that there exists no set standard for what constitutes 'offensive.')

Should you feel compelled to make comments regarding the status of the bouncer's mother, it is advised that you carry with you: a minimum of 12oz of medi-gel, one flash grenade (to provide a distraction for your escape), and a pistol with a minimum of one shot should you fail at your attempted getaway.

The exceptionally stupid should not attempt to gain entrance lest they provoke the ire of the guards or the Queen herself.

ARIAT'LOAK:

Upon gaining entry into the elite club of Afterlife, there are a variety of guidelines that should never be broken. First and foremost is to never approach the booth occupied by Aria T'Loak without either a direct invitation, the successful story of your resurrection, or enough credits to purchase a small frigate. The Queen of Omega will otherwise see your approach as a stain upon her person and signal for your imminent death.

Should you be invited into the Queen's Lair, the guidelines become only more treacherous. One foot wrongfully placed will result in the removal of your limbs in a painfully slow fashion. The longest recorded continuous torture was timed at 9.65 days (GS *). The victim in question was later released into the back alleys of Omega, where a gang of Vorcha descended upon the unfortunate soul. The records of his demise are recorded and filed in the Omega Archives under Archangel's Database of Criminals and Undesirables. Access to this database is restricted and not recommended.

ACTIVITIES:

A variety of activities are encouraged, whereas others are mandatory. Patrons are advised to carry with them a minimum of 500 credits post-bribe. (For the fortunate VIP's able to gain entry without resorting to bribery, the minimum is raised to 1,000.) Success at Afterlife is measured by one's ability to mingle effectively with a crowd, dance in an alluring and non-offensive manner, and project an aura of mystery that intrigues the surrounding patrons.

Duels on the premises of Afterlife and not recommended. Should you find yourself in a standoff, the appropriate course of action is to either A) quickly dispose of your opponent, thereby proving your position as the ultimate badass or B) relocate to the alleys of Afterlife, thereby allowing other patrons to continue their dancing, drinking, and otherwise raucous behavior. Any shot fired on the premises of Afterlife that enters a radius of 12 meters of Aria T'Loak's booth will result in the immediate extermination of the perpetrator.

Prowess on the dance floor for the female patrons is the surest way to gain entrance, provided the attire adorned by said individual is sufficiently provocative. Modesty will ensure that you are not allowed to return, whereas a confident demeanor will earn your place on the VIP list. If your skill is deemed sufficiently high, you will be asked to return as an employee of Afterlife. Should the invitation be extended by the Queen herself, refusal is not an option.

CLOSING:

The best tip for success at Afterlife is to maintain a low profile, carry yourself in a confident manner, and refrain displays of stupidity and ego. Most importantly, remember that the club is the domain of the Queen, and the singular rule of Omega is to not fuck with Aria T'Loak. Should these guidelines be kept in mind, your experiences at Afterlife will be positive in nature instead of deadly.

* GS refers to the Galactic Standard measurement of time.

AN: I wrote this purely for giggles :) I hope the sillyness played well! Everyone needs a little light-hearted fun. Thanks for reading!