Time passes. Things change. The grass grows. The flowers bloom. The wind blows. People laugh. People cry. All of them age. I do not.

I only truly realized this - the impressive weight that time holds on the human race - when I decided to read. Of course, before, I had Grandfather with me. I was so busy in serving him that I never took it upon myself to do...well, anything else. But when one is given limitless time, one craves activities to fill said time. And, since I now had years of time, eons of time, I read every book in Grandfather's study. Every science journal, every biography, every world map. And when those books where done, and I had yet to fill the creeping hole of emptiness inside me, I found myself constantly wandering to the library that was an hours walk from home. The librarian once asked me if I wanted a library card, but I said no. I could not get one, anyway. I was created. I had no real identity to buy one. I think if I had been given permission to take the books home, I would never again return them. Like this one:

"Try to imagine a life without any time keeping.

You probably can't. You know the exact month, the year, the day of the week. There is always some device for keeping time around you.
There are schedules, calendars, times for dinner or movies.
Yet, all around you, timekeeping is ignored. Birds are not late. A dog does not check its watch. Deer do not fret over passing birthdays.
Man alone measures the time.
Man alone chimes the hour.
And, because of this, man alone suffers a paralyzing fear that no other creature endures.
A fear of time running out."*

A human being had already discovered what I did. That time is everywhere on earth. That it does not relent. It moves on even if other things never change. I am no different from a human. As the time goes by, I can only find myself wondering, "When is my time up?" "How long was I designed to keep going?" "How much longer will I be living alone?" "How long do I keep moving forward with no goal?" And, "If I do finally break down, would anyone notice I was gone?" "Who would mourn my pointless existence?"

I identified with Dor in the book. A man stuck in one place while he watches time go by. Slowly convincing himself that there is no end.

Sometimes, I am able to lose track of time, even if for a while. I keep myself busy. Everyday feels the same, so it feels like forever, but also like no time is actually passing. Like the universe is somehow on pause. However, I am not able to fear the end as a human would. I know, deep down, that it will come, but I am unable to dread the day or feel relieved that I will not be here forever.

I was a stalemate. Not moving forward, yet not going back either.

Jou visited as often as he could, though the intervals between each visit grew longer and longer. He genuinely considered me as his friend, I knew. But, as he built his life and went on, I was no longer a top priority. I did not hold this against him, though. I understood. He had a life, and I never changed. Every time he visited, I was the same. And how long could a growing adult be friends with a seventeen year old before it became odd?

I got to witness first hand what it was like for time to go by. see it in action. His hands became rough from his first job - "Nothin' like some good manual labor for the body!" - His features grew more mature - "I look more like a man than a thug now, right?" - He gained a little weight around his stomach, but not enough to really be noticed - "I ain't worried about it. I was too skinny anyway." - His sister went through surgery - "Finally got to see the sunset with me after so many years." - He fell in love - "You should see her! Such a stubborn, fiery thing." - He became a father; while his own father ended up dying of alcohol poisoning - "It's weird he's gone, but he wasn't much a father, anyway. I hope I never become like him. My daughters the light of my world. I can't imagine hurtin' her."

I heard that time heals all wounds. But I can't fully agree. Jou is proof. For everything bad that happened to Jou, he had a smile to fight it back, but I know deep down there were things he still hurt over. The mind can cover the wounds with scar tissue, and the pain lessens, but it is never truly gone. Sometimes, Jou stares wistfully at Grandfather's door, as if he were picturing the old man standing in the frame. Jou had also developed a habit of fidgeting around whenever he was inside the house.

I once asked him about it.
"Why are you so restless?"

He stopped scratching his neck, a little surprised, and sighed. "Somehow, I always forget that you don't have a heart..." he muttered. He regarded me seriously, then, dropping his hand, he said, "This place has so many memories for me. I'm restless because…well, it's like I've passed myself in a thick fog, and my heart jumps and I think 'Look! There I am! I've been missin' that piece!' But it happens too fast and it's gone in the fog again. That's what this place does to me." At this point, he folded his hands in his lap and stared at them. "Those two – Gramps and Yugi – were my pieces. But…unlike someone who had yet to find their piece, I actually had mine...and I lost them. There's no way for me to really ever be…complete again." I watched as his hands constricted, his knuckles turning white.

"Honestly, my life wasn't the same after Yugi died…I went to a dark place that Gramps eventually got me back from. I guess you could say I was comforted by the fact that I still had a part of Yugi with me here in the world – his grandpa. But now that both of them are gone, I just…" He suddenly looked up at me, eyes pleading. "But don't get me wrong! I'm a very happy man. I've been more fortunate than I could have ever hoped for when I was younger. It's just that…I miss them. Yanno?"

"I think I do." I said, placing my hand on my chest. "I cannot feel as you do, as you know, but I understand. You're…lonely."

He leaned back in his chair, thinking. "I suppose that is one way to put it. When Yugi first died, I was so lonely all of a sudden. Like, when I felt lonely, I really felt lonely. I couldn't believe anyone else in the world could manage to feel as lonely as I had. But, eventually I realized that I wasn't the only to feel like that. I wasn't the only one to lose someone close. II wasn't the only one who loved Yugi. don't think Gramps ever got over it, despite how he acted…he was jus' good at hiding it - and that loneliness is how you came to be, of course." He nodded in my direction, then continued, "So I guess you could say I'm lonely without them…yet I am not really lonely. I have others in my life that fill the void."

He frowned. "Doesn't make much sense, but it's the best way I can put it…I'm sorry, Atem." He placed a hand on my shoulder. "I wish you could feel things for yourself and understand completely, but, honestly, at the same time I'm glad you can't. There are both good and bad feelings. And while the good things are good, the bad things are bad. Feelings are more powerful than anything else. I'm sorry, but I wouldn't wish that kind of loneliness and sadness on anyone. Not even my worst enemy."

I had tried to smile at him, but I don't think it came across right.

I had already learned that loneliness was something negative, but that day I had come to discover that it was even more. A feeling that could hurt as much as a deep physical wound. A thing that could both press and oppress, could distort the ordinary and play tricks with your mind. That was what loneliness really tried to do, and that was what one should never let it do.

Feelings are more powerful than anything else...
If I had a heart, would I fail under the weight of it?

*Quote comes from the book "The Timekeeper" by Mitch Albom

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