Fail number three! Yay! (Is it wrong to say yay when people fail?)

I realized that I had it backwards- Ed lost his leg first. Sorry . . . I fixed it . . .

Anyhow, thanks for all the reviews. They mean a lot to me. So, let's get started, shall we?

If this is a bit more crack-ficky than the last two chapters, it's because I'm writing this at 2:26 a.m. and am a wee bit tired! But that'll make it funny, right?

At some point, if you want me too, I'll post a more serious version of this chapter that fits the style of the others so far . . .

-o_o-

3) Transmute Your Brother's Soul into a One-Ton Weight

A.K.A. The Human Transmutation Rant at 2:30 in the Morning

Edward- 11 Alphonse- 10

The two boys without a mother . . . too bad, so sad. :'(

Aaanyways, they had made up their minds to bring her back from the dead. At first, Alphonse was afraid of zombies. Resurrection, the living dead, they kinda all go hand in hand. But naaawwww, there was no such thing, right?

At least, that's what Edward told him. He was the older brother, so of course Al trusted every single word he said . . .

So. They had spent the majority of the last few years/months/days/whatever studying the theory of human transmutation. (uuuuhhhm, what? Why does the name of such an ominous thing like that rhyme? Don't ask me. Ask them. Don't ask me who them is either. I don't know.) Basically, human transmutation was this great giant rhyming thing that defied the laws of nature and could bring dead people back to life. Namely, something that would greatly interest a pair of young boys with a dead mother.

So young Ed and Al went through all their run-away-from-home father's (these guys had best childhood, didn't they?) papers and thought wow! This is really cool! There's no way we can go wrong with this! We won't get hurt at all, and we'll get our mother back! YAY!

So they spent years studying that, yada, yada, yada (that must've really sucked). And then they think Yeah! Let's do this thing!

So they dump a bunch of ingredients in the middle of a complex circle that no ten-or-eleven year old kid should be able to draw so damn perfectly. They supposedly make a human, but at that moment it just looked like a pile of mud . . .

So they add blood! (Ooh! Look! Another rhyme!) Ouch . . . that must've hurt.

Not only do they cut themselves (bad habit to get into, kids! They should probably see a counselor about that), they then slap their hands on the dirty, filthy ground without putting a Band-Aid on first! Have they not heard about something called infection? (A/N- I'm sitting here right now, completely not believing that I'm actually writing this . . . ah, well. Onward, march!)

So . . . they slap their hands down on the ground, which probably stung a bit. And then there were all these pretty lights! And they're like- wooaaaah. Pretty. The light was all yellow and white and shiny!

But then the light turned purple (which isn't a completely bad color, but still kinda ominous). And black (wait- aren't black lights purple? I'm confuzzled!). And they weren't so pretty anymore. Aaaawww.

AND THEN THE LIGHT TOOK AL! First of all, light doesn't have substance, so it can't grab anyone, right? Wrong. I just said it took Al. Reread, people!

Ed reached for Al, and finds that his left leg was stolen as well. What does the light want to do with Ed's leg? He's already got a body (courtesy of Al)!

And then Ed's falling, falling, falling, and it's like, psychedelic! All the lights and information and whatnot! Until whatever it is spits Ed out into a mass of whiteness.

There's no floor. There's no walls. Where the hell was he? The answer was basically nowhere, and everywhere, which makes absolutely no effing sense whatsoever! But moving on . . .

There was a white guy (no, I'm not being racist. There was actually a white guy.). Who had Ed's peachy-colored arm (why's skin colored like that anyways?). Basically the weird, creeperish white guy told Ed he broke a taboo and whatever, blahdy blahdy blah let's move on.

Ed gets back to the real world (sans his leg) and finds that AL'S STILL MISSING!

Since it was dark, he really didn't know where anything was. So, he dipped his finger in blood and drew a Blood Seal (wow- a lot of thought really went into that one. A seal of blood. A blood seal. No duh!) on whatever he first touched . . .

Causing him to lose an arm to the weird white guy who already had his leg. (What's with that guy and body parts?)

When he gets back again, it's still dark out. Maybe he passed out, maybe he didn't. In the morning, when it was light enough to see, and Ed hadn't yet died of blood loss (if he had, then this series would've been bust and I wouldn't be writing this right now, would I?), he looked over to see what he had attached his brother's soul into.

"Damn." (Ed- you're eleven. Lay off the language!)

Of all the pure irony (haha. Ha. Ha. Irony.), he had attached his brother to a one-ton weight. Two questions ran through his head.

Number one: What the hell was he gonna do with a brother who weighed a ton (literally)?

Number two: Why the hell did his dad have a one-ton weight in his office in the first place?

Oh, and one more thing: Ed found that he was wrong. Zombies did, in fact, exist. And they freaked him out to no end. He would have nightmares for years. Literally.

The one benefit of this endeavor: Edward was EXTREMELY strong by the time they got their bodies back.

-o_o-

I am PRETTY sure that I just destroyed any sense of dignity I had as a fanfiction author . . . oh, well. Not much I can do about it now . . .

Eh, I'll write a more serious version of this at some point. Until then, the next theme is TURTLES!

Sayonara.

P.S. I'm kinda scared for the fact that this is the longest chapter in this story so far . . . O.O