Author's Notes: I promised all of you that the Fellowship would make an appearance at the very end, and here they are!  Sadly, the Lord and Lady aren't seen, but you know they're there.  Wow, I can't believe the story's over.  Thanks a lot to everyone who reviewed and gave me encouragement.  The complete list of major thank-yous will be at the very end, so I don't delay everyone from reading the final chapter of "An Elf Lord Has Needs".  Rest assured, I will keep writing more stories for your entertainment.

Plot bunny thanks go to;

Genki neko-chan: Beta reader and one person sound effects machine.

Chapter 10: The "Touching" Conclusion

With their bodies and hearts weary, the remaining eight members of the Fellowship took their rest within Lórien.  Lady Galadriel and Lord Celeborn had graciously provided soft couches and warm blankets for each of them beneath the staircase leading to the main audience chamber and royal quarters.  One by one, the hobbits began to fall asleep.  Gimli glanced about warily as he polished one of his axes, though his eyes were beginning to droop.  Aragorn sat away from the others among the roots of a mallorn tree, trying to console a very distraught Boromir.  Legolas was perched among the mallorn branches, listening intently to the mournful elven laments for Mithrandir and silently adding his own lyrics.

As the voices faded away, exhaustion fell upon the still awake members of the Fellowship.  They made their way to the couches and were about to fall asleep when Legolas suddenly snapped into a sitting position.  Sleep vanished instantly from human and dwarf eyes as they stared questioningly at the elf.  Legolas cocked his head to one side, straining his sensitive ears to listen to some far off sound.  His face scrunched up in confusion at the strange noise that rang through his ears. 

It was only a few seconds before the others could make out a faint noise that steadily grew louder.

tink tink tink tink

The four of them looked up and saw a single bottle rolling down the giant staircase, tinking lightly as it hit each step.

tink tink tink tink

It was at this point that the noise awoke the hobbits.  Frodo and Merry's attentions were immediately drawn to the solitary bottle while Pippin and Sam rubbed the last remnants of sleep from their eyes.  Soon, eight pairs of eyes were focused on nothing but the bottle that tinked down to the ground.

tink tink tink wrrrrrrrrrrrrrrl

The Fellowship silently watched the bottle as it spun around on the ground beneath the final stair.  No one was sure what to make of the situation, so they all simply stood there.  Boromir finally shook his head, breaking the stillness, and stopped the bottle's spinning with his foot.  The label upon the now silent bottle caught his eye and he stooped down to take a closer look.  Boromir's eyes widened as he turned the bottle over in his hands and noticed the White Tree symbol upon the label.

"I do not believe this," he muttered before turning to the rest of the Fellowship. "This is one of the types of wine that my father collects.  Shortly before I left for Imladris, he noticed that several bottles had disappeared.  We all suspected that Mithrandir may have taken some after his last visit, but how did this wine end up here?" 

Aragorn took the bottle and also examined it carefully. "I have no idea how this came to the Golden Wood.  What troubles me more is who has been drinking it.  Lord Elrond has told me of the effects this wine has on elves.  What elf would be crazy enough to consume such potent alcohol?"

Legolas' ears suddenly picked up the distant sound of muffled sighs and moans.  He carefully traced the sound and was shocked to find that it was coming from above them; from Lady Galadriel and Lord Celeborn's chambers.  Judging from the faint noises, Legolas could tell that they were having a very good time.  The Prince of Mirkwood's cheeks flushed a deep scarlet color that did not go unnoticed by the others.

"Legolas, are you alright?" Frodo gazed up at the elf. "Your face has turned very red."

"Do not trouble yourself, Frodo," Legolas quickly answered back, trying not to notice the strange looks he was receiving from the others. "My grief for Mithrandir has caused my face to redden with unshed tears."

Aragorn was about to point out that what the elf said was completely untrue, but Legolas cut him off. "If you will all excuse me, I need to be alone now.  I shall see you all in the morning."

With that said, Legolas sprinted away into the thick trees.  He had left just in time, for the moans from above were starting to increase in volume. 

The rest of the Fellowship stared off in the direction that the elf had gone, each clearly confused.  Aragorn finally shrugged and lay back down on his couch.  He had long ago learned that it was best not to question the actions of elves.  As the ranger was about to close his eyes, he suddenly heard a faint noise coming from above them.  It sounded almost like someone having a very pleasurable experience.  Aragorn sat up again and listened carefully with his sharp ears.  He soon learned that he was wrong.  It did not sound almost like someone having a pleasurable experience; it sounded exactly like someone was having a pleasurable experience.  And the sounds were growing louder.    Legolas' blush and retreat into the forest suddenly made perfect sense to the ranger.  A shiver of disgust ran down the human's spine.  It was one thing to overhear random strangers making love, but he was hearing his future wife's grandparents!  Aragorn grimaced and decided to follow Legolas' lead and make a hasty exit before things got too steamy.  Dragging his weary body off the couch, Aragorn headed after Legolas.

"Where are you going, Strider?" Pippin asked. "Is something the matter?"

"No, no," the ranger lied through his teeth. "I just need to answer nature's call."

The remaining members of the Fellowship watched their new leader disappear into the night and collectively shrugged.  When you had to go, you had to go.  They continued settling down for the night when Sam suddenly froze.  He rubbed his ears and stared up at the Lord and Lady's chambers high above them.  When his gaze returned to the forest floor, the hobbit gardener's face was the color of a radish.  He turned to the other three hobbits and whispered something that Boromir and Gimli could not hear.  All four hobbits were soon blushing and hightailed it away from the camp. 

The last two members of the Fellowship stared at each other in complete confusion.  The same question was on their minds. What was going on?  It was then that a loud, animalistic groan echoed down from the Lord and Lady's chamber.

"Ai, ai, Celeborn!  Yes!  More! More!"

Realization dawned on the faces of both dwarf and human as they instantly understood everything.  Without a second thought, they ran for their lives. 

*          *          *

"Haldir, I would have never thought you to be capable of such deceit and trickery," Aragorn chuckled at the elven guard.

By the time Aragorn had caught up to Legolas, the Silvan elf was deep within the Golden Wood.  The elf and human exchanged knowing looks and agreed that they would have to find a place to sleep as far away from Lady Galadriel and Lord Celeborn's chambers as possible if they wanted to have any peace.  However, the threat of roaming orcs meant they would have to stay within Lothlorien's borders.  It was then that Haldir happened to be passing by.  The two quickly informed him of the situation and the Lórien elf, after recovering from a fit of laughter, offered to let them stay in his home. 

Haldir cleared away a spot on the floor and gave them blankets, which the two friends readily accepted.  Haldir then began to explain the entire story to them from the time he had found Celeborn locked out of his own bedroom, to the present day.  The looks on Aragorn and Legolas' faces ranged from absolute horror to hysterical laughter as the tale was told.  When Haldir finished, the two Fellowship members now saw the Lord and Lady of Lórien in a whole new light. 

The three of them were just about to turn in for the night when someone knocked on the door.  Grumbling, Haldir opened the door to reveal his two brothers bearing a message. 

"Lady Galadriel wished for you to have this," Rúmil yawned as he handed over the rolled up parchment. "Though I wish she could have waited until the morning to send it."

With no small amount of trepidation, Haldir accepted the message and began to read it out loud.  He was too tired to coherently read silently. 

"Greetings Haldir.  Celeborn and I would like to thank you for supplying the wine and helping us to overcome a few differences.  Your methods were treacherous, deceitful, and could easily label you as a traitor.  However, the outcome of your plotting was most pleasurable and so we will not remove your bowels with a dull knife and hang you from a tree branch by them as we originally planned.  This alone should be enough of a reward for you.  Celeborn insists, though, that we should do something more for you.  Valar knows why I agreed with him.  So, I have decided that you may take a few months off to do some of the traveling you have been talking about.  If you decide not to travel, however, than you are more than welcome to spend your vacation by joining Celeborn and I.  We would love to try things with a third elf."

Haldir immediately dropped the message and stared at it as if it were a shaved dwarf head.  Behind him, three elves and one human alternated their looks of horror and disgust from the message on the floor to the elf that had just read it aloud. 

Orophin cleared his throat. "Brother, is there something that you are not telling us?"

"It is not true!" Haldir squeaked. "They are both mad!"

A shadow passed over Haldir's face.

"Admit it, you want to join in." he smirked.

The shadow faded.

"Shut up!" Haldir growled at himself. "You are not helping."

Aragorn immediately felt sorry for the frightened, schizophrenic elf standing before him. "You know, Haldir, Rivendell is very nice this time of year."

The elven guard looked up at the human hopefully. "It is?"

"Oh yes.  And I am sure that Glorfindel would love to talk to another who has suffered from elven schizophrenia."

With a great whoop of joy, Haldir was packed and running out the door in mere seconds.  As he raced off into the darkness, the elven guard called over his shoulder. "My thanks, Aragorn.  I shall see you all in a few months!  Have fun marching to your doom in Mordor!"

Once Haldir was out of site, Rúmil and Orophin headed off in the direction of their homes; leaving Legolas and Aragorn alone.  A silent agreement passed between the Prince of Mirkwood and the heir of Isildur as they each discarded the blankets on the floor and flopped down on opposite ends of the bed.  Legolas was about to drift off when a sudden thought jolted him awake.

"Aragorn, do you believe that the others are all right.  I would hate for them to suffer through the night when the two of us have been able to escape torment."

"Do not worry," the ranger yawned. "They all may not be the brightest of travelers, but I have no doubt that they got away before things heated up too much.  We will find them in the morning."

"Ah," Legolas paused and then spoke again. "Aragorn?"

"Hmm?" Aragorn grumbled.

"I sincerely hope, for your sake, that your beloved Arwen takes after her parents more than her grandparents."

Aragorn paled. "Oh Elbereth…so do I."                

The End

Here's the complete list of thank-yous to all of the people that helped make this story possible with their comments, ideas, encouragements, and beta reading.

LordVaughan: Thanks a lot for all of the reviews and the hilarious idea involving Gandalf and his "precious" pipeweed.   And thanks for my longest review to date as well.

Fairy Hedgehog:  Thank you for your idea of including Elrond.  That idea alone spawned all of chapter four, so I really appreciated it.

Hannah: Thanks for your idea of Celeborn on the horse.  Actually, your idea was to have him speed around in a sports car, but that doesn't exactly work in Middle Earth.  I hope you can handle my insane writing obsessions this fall when we become roommates. *evil grin*

Kim:  I am determined to make you watch LotR this year!  Thanks for the lingerie idea and thinking up the romantic dinner that evolved into drunken insanity.   

Katie: I really appreciate your beta reading for the first few chapters.  I also really appreciated your idea of Celeborn finding a new lover, though you suggested it should be female…

Rachel: Thanks for beta reading the first few chapters with Katie.  Also, thanks for helping me with the main title (based on "A Man Has Needs" by the Arrogant Worms)

Arrogant Worms: Thanks for the song "A Man Has Needs".  Hilarious!!

mayetra: Thanks a lot for the Glorfindel information and the link to the Encyclopedia of Arda.  These will come in handy for my other elf stories.

Nuraeariel:  I'm glad to know that I was able to break through your original skepticism with a genuinely funny story.  When you told me that, I truly felt that I had done a great job and it really encouraged me. 

G2: I really shouldn't thank you because you thought that my story idea was pretty stupid when I first told you about it.  However, that motivated me to write this as well as I possibly could.  So, thanks for the motivation.

A huge thank-you goes out to the people who put me on their favorites list!  I hope my other stories will make it to other favorites lists as well.

And now for my biggest thanks of all to…

Genki neko-chan: Friend, beta reader, muse, rant listener, and one person sound effects machine.  Your mind spawned endless plot bunnies that included green boxers, purple palantírs, and bottles that tinked.  You've taken time to beta my chapters and listened to my endless ramblings on possible gags.  For some bizarre reason, my best random ideas always came when I was talking to you.  I can't thank you enough for your help and support that made this story possible, mellon nîn.