hello everyone , its only my second time i post here on this board , i have posted many times on the cbs board but thought i give this site another try , this story will mainly focused on Eric and Calleigh but will also focus on ryan and Natalia and it alos takes place after the repercussion of season 7 finale so i hope you enjoy this story and please forgive any mistake i have made with spelling :)

A empty house , an empty bed what was calleigh duquesnes was coming home too .her usual routine getting up going to work coming home late often, heating up in the microwave some frozen dinner with no taste and going to bed and that was when she didnt fall asleep in front of the tv , when she did made it to her empty bed she often cried her self to sleep looking at his side of the bed empty and cold, his smell was long gone and his t-shirt worn out but she didnt care she wored it anyway at least then she could feel him close for a tiny seconds before reality seek back in,nothing had been changed in her house his tooth brush was still next to hers ,his cologne still on the sink , she once broke the bottle and cried her heart out for a stupid bottle of cologne until she bought another one so she could remenber what he use to smell ,she even sometimes bought his favorite beer or rent an occasionnal movie she thought he would like but reality would seek in when she realised he wasnt there to share it with her , that had been her very sad life for the last 3 years , 3years of this and for her it seemed like yesterday ,yesterday where everything she had ever wanted was taking away from her .This was her life now empty house ,empty bed and empty heart nothing mather for her anymore the only think stopping her from breaking down was her work she had burried herself into her work loosing many friends doing so ,many of them had try to cheer her up but nothing they would do would work .Calleigh had die along with him she was merely a dead woman walking ,bitter sad and heartbroken and for those who didnt know her before all of this thought she was just pathetic but the few friends that had remain by her side ,ryan natalia ,alexx ,Maxine horatio and even frank would always defend her to the outsider .She had changed completly and she knew it , how could she not he was gone because of her ,it was her fault her had left her all alone she was the one who ...she couldnt even say the words to herself ,Horatio had tried to tell her that it wasnt her fault that he had choosen to be there but that didnt made the guilt any better ,Her soul mate had been taken away and she was the one responsible for it .Now that she had know what true love and happiness was how could she ever go back to the perky and happy calleigh she was before .

3 years of this now 3 years of living her own personnal hell on earth .Living in the past and not beeing able to let go ,nothing mather, nothing tasted the same , everyone at work still respected her work she was still among the best it was the only thing keeping her alive often beeing the first one there and the last one to leave she would often stay late to help the night shift especially on the days she would miss him the much ,his birthday ,her birthday ,holydays ,even the anniversary of when they had first made love , those day were the hardest for her and coming home on those days wasnt an option for her so she would spend the night alone sleeping on the couch in the break room ,many times Horatio had found her like this and many times he had try to get her to seek help or talk to him but his bullet girl was dead isnside and he knew only one thing could make her happy and that was the only thing he coudlnt get her .Her father had passed away a year ago and that had been another hard blow for her ,now she was truly alone nobody to spend christmas or birthdays with ,even if Natalia or ryan and even alexx always tried to invit her she would always say the same thing ''im working ''she would always made sure to work on those particular day it help to forgot that the one and only man the one she had only truly loved and regreted never telling him wasnt there with her anymore .the only thing that could bring a smile on her face lately was natalia 3 years old boy Joey and even that was short live ,nothing made her smile anymore and when ever she did that was a rare sight her colleagues were rewarded with .

3 years of this, 3 years of feeling alone pityfull and bitter and each night when she fell asleep curled up in ball she dreamed of the events that led to all of this ,wishing she had done something different that could have changed the outcomes .

Waking up was the worst ,often she would be awake but her eyes remained closed picturing him right next to her ,the first times she could still remenber his smell or the way he look when he slept but has time pass by she couldnt remenber his face clearly ,which why she kept a picture of him on her night stand and under her pillow ,but sometimes she couldnt bare to look at him and would put the picture down there was one time right after the funeral where she had thrown his picture agaisnt the wall ,she had been angry at him for leaving her alone after he had promised her the world and she had taken the step to believe him .She still remenber the funeral like it was yesterday Horatio and Alexx stood right next to her behind his family sitting in the front ,calleigh couldnt face his family especially his mother she felt guilty she was the one who taken him away from them ,Horatio never hid to his family that he was kill by friendly fire but neglected to say that it was calleigh who had shot him ,she hadnt spoken to his family in 3 years not that she knew them that well anyway her and him had only been seeing each other for a few weeks when she had commited the irreparable ,she didnt cry at the funeral and kept her head up but when the shot where fired in honor of a fallen officer it felt like a bullet hit her heart ,for the first time in her life calleigh duquesne had jump hearing a gunshot .

She didnt go to the wake unable to face everyone from the department giving her either pity or guilty look ,she went home alone crying for days .A few weeks later the team experience a little bit of joy when they learned Natalia was pregnant ,calleigh was of course happy for her friend and even though the father who was natalia boyfriend at the time ddint want anything to do with the kid ,Natalia was glowing and was anxious to bring a little life into this world ,she made calleigh and ryan god parents and the few times calleigh would spend with her god son were probably the joyess moment of her life but every time she step inside her lonely house reality would seek in .

On the first anniversary of his death everyone told her to move on that it was ok that it was what he would have wanted ,alexx sat her down over a cup of coffee but calleigh didnt want to hear anything.

A: baby you have to move on ..

C: EASY FOR YOU TO SAY ALEXX...YOU GOT HENRY YOU HAVE YOUR SOULMATE WITH YOU ..ME WHO DO I GOT NO ONE I HAD MY SOULS MATE BUT I LOST HIM ITS BEEN A YEAR AND I STILL FEEL HIM ,WHY DID HE HAVE TO GO ,WHY DID HE LEAVE ME I WAS COUNTING ON HAVING HIM FOREVER ...NOW I'LL NEVER KNOW HOW THAT FEEL ...I CANT EVEN BREATH ,,EVERYBODY KEEP REPEATING ME HES NOT COMING HOME I KNOW THAT AND I HATE BEEING REMINDED OF IT ... BUT I DONT WANT TO LIVE MY LIFE WITHOUT HIM I DONT WANT TO LOVE SOMEBODY ELSE I CANT MAKE THROUGH MY LIFE I DONT WANT TO FIND SOMEBODY NEW I JUST WANT HIM BACK THATS ALL I ASK ...I JUST WANT HIM ..I WANT TO LIVE LIFE WITH HIM AND NOBODY ELSE ...CAN ANYONE UNDERSTAND THAT ...ALEXX I LOST HIM I LOST THE ONLY GOOD THING I HAD IN MY LIFE AND IT WAS MY FAULT IM THE ONE RESPONSIBLE NO ONE ELSE ...I SHOT HIM ..I SHOT HIM HIM AND HE DIED ...ME NOT A CRIMINAL ME I WAS SUPPOSED TO LOVE HIM AND I KILLED HIM .,,, YOU DONT KNOW HOW IT IS TO HAVE THAT FEELING FOLLOWING YOU EVERYDAY ...

That day calleigh crumbled crying on the floor alexx had to administer a sedative so she would calm down there was nothing more she could say or do to help her nobody knew what to do in those kind of situation ,and now it was 3 years later and calleigh was only a shadow of her old self ,overworking herself barely eating or sleeping barely laughing or smilling .At work she would always put on a straight face and most people who didnt really knew her though she was ok but when it was time to go home she always asked the night shift if they needed help hoping that they would give her an excuse not to go home to an empty house and on the few occasion that it was a quiet day and Horatio was giving everyone the afternoon off ,calleigh found herself often stoping by the cemetary but she never got the courage to go see him ,once she did have the courage to go see him but she had barely made it out of the car that she saw his mother there and turned around before she saw her .The only thing she wanted in her life nobody could give it to her ,eric she wanted eric back but that wasnt possible .

For Natalia eric death at hit her hard too and she had grief for him a long time she still do sometimes and she would always miss him for the rest of her life .Her life now was completly different she was a single mother .Her son Joey was the most important thing in her life ,4 months after eric death Natalia who had been seeing the new csi replacing Eric,Jesse Cardoza , for a short time when she learned she was pregnant and was devasted when he told her didnt want anything to do with the child ,that he never wanted children .But for her abortion had never even crossed her mind at 36 years old it was the first time she was pregnant and might be the last time so she decided to raised the baby by herself and never looked back . Jesse transfered to another precint and natalia never saw him again she never asked for alimony she felt it was Jesse lost for being so arrogant and selfcenter , he didnt want anything to do with that wonderfull and polite little boy so she didnt want anything to do with him anymore she did put his name on the birth certificat but joey was going by Boa vista and not Cardoza.,she could do this on her own and thats whats she been doing for the past 2 years ,her family helped her from time to time her mother baby sitting when ever natalia was working or she would some times bring him to a day care to helped a very shy joey be more social ,the little boy was smart beyond his years but was too shy often playing alone by himself in the corner ,he was also the best description for a mama boy natalia would do anything for her son it didnt helped things that most of natalia friends didnt have children ,and natalia didnt have nieces and nephew so joey grew up in a world surrounded by adults .Even though joey didnt have a father he had a lot of male role model her father ,horatio ,frank and ryan made sure he was spoiled rotten on christmas and on his birthday ,but the most constant presence appart from natalia and her family was ryan ,ryan had bonded very well with the little boy he was one of the rare person joey would open up too and when ever he saw ryan his little face would light up ,Ryan and natalia friendship had changed after eric death they had became closer and after his funeral they even had a one night stand together but both agreed that it was a mistake and they would be better has friends which is what they were to each other close friend , after she had learned she was pregnant and that she would do this on her own ryan had step up in someway ,helping her move to a bigger house painting the baby room ,even sometimes running errands for her ,he was even the one who took her to the hospital when the time came ,the nurse had mistaken him for the baby father and ryan had inadvertently found himsefl holding her hand while she pushed ,he still remenber seeing this little person beeing born and immeditaly fell in love with natalia little had thought about naming her son in honor of eric but she thought it would be a constant reminder of what calleigh had lost .it was ryan who found his name it popped out of his head when he was born and simply said he looked like a joey whatever that meant .Calleigh was another person joey would warm up to but it was different with her like somehow he knew calleigh wasnt truly complete joey felt a connection to her he was too young to understand why but natalia thought that maybe it was because Joey was missing a father and calleigh was missing eric both had a huge hole in their life that couldnt be filled he would always give her longer and tighter hug and he was the only thing that truly made calleigh smiled in her life the short time she would be with joey calleigh would forget about eric for a tiny second but has soon has the little boy was away the nightmare and the hurting would come back .

Ryan too had trouble handling eric death he went back to gambling for a short while but horatio had caught him and took him to Gamblers anonymous before ryan did another stupid thing the urge to gamble would sometime come back it was a constant struggle for him but his friends would always made sure ryan didnt fall off the time shortly after eric death and after Horatio founding out he was gambling ,ryan found himself at the tracks itching to place a bet ,he was about to when his cell rang it was natalia calling ,she needed to talk to him about something and ryan met her at her house thats where she told him she was expecting and that Jesse didnt want anything to do with the baby .ryan immedialty wanted to punched the life out of jesse for walking out on her and thought he was a good guy but it turned out to be wrong ,natalia didnt cry over Jesse but she admitted to ryan that she was scare to do this alone ,thats when ryan did the unexpected and told her he would be there for her through out the pregnancy when ever she needed and even after joey was born ryan would always be there for her and joey to much of his girlfriend , jasmin ,irritation ,natalia and her never liked each other but they put on a good face for ryan,he had met her a year ago and they've been leaving together for 6 months ,jasmin was a flight attendant so she would often be away for long period of time and she never liked that when she was away ryan would spend his free time with Natalia and joey they often fought over it .But ryan loved that little boy like his own and his friendship to natalia meant a lot to him so he wouldnt give it for anything in the world .

For Horatio loosing another menber of his team ,his brother in law ,his friends ,loosing speed had been hard but eric it was like loosing a part of him, loosing a link to has always Horatio had kept his head high for the sake of his team .he still mourned him just like he did speed or jessop or any menber of his team hed lost in the line of duty ,but eric well eric was constant pain in his heart , he still remenber like it was yesterday ,after missing for 2 weeks they had finnaly had an anonymous call to where eric was supposed to be and old abandonned warehouse that belong to one of sarnoff man ,the team rushed there ,he remenber calleigh being so anxious to get there that she alsmost caused a few crashed on the way over ,she was the first one in not waiting for the others ,even if horatio had told her to wait ,calleigh didnt listen and rushed in not caring about her safety what they found nobody would ever forget it a drench smell surrounded the warehouse ,gasoline and mostly burning flesh ,calleigh heart was pounding has they all slowly creep into the warehouse ,frank was the one who found him ,well what was left of him ,in the very back of the warehouse a charred body was lying face first on the ground ,the russian had apparantly kidnap eric hoping to use him agaisnt horatio and his father but when eric died in the warehouse the men supposed to guard him burned his body with gasoline and left him there to burn ,when calleigh tried to go see ,horatio stopped her he didnt want her to remenber eric that way ,she was frantic crying and yelling to let her go see him that she needed to know to be sure it was him ,Horatio carried her outside and held her until natalia took over ,calleigh didnt want to calm down or rest she needed to be sure but horatio never let her see the charred body he had asked ,Alexx to come back for his autopsy there was no one else he trusted with this and when alexx stood in front of what was left of her friends just like speed she cried but composed herself long enough to do the autopsy of what was left of the body .

Calleigh still remenber to that day being in horatio office her knees brought up agaisnt her chest telling her self quietly that it wasnt eric that it was somebody else but when alexx stepped into horatio office she knew by the look on alexx face that it was him but she still needed to have confirmation ,alexx told her what she needed to know ,the dna matched and so did the dental record but omitted to tell her the cause of death ,calleigh angryly asked .

C: WHATS THE CAUSE OF DEATH ALEXX...WAS HE ... WAS HE DEAD..WHEN THEY ..

calleigh couldnt say the rest she couldnt breath anymore and her heart wasnt pacing it was beating really slowly not having the will to live anymore her whole body was shaking from having lost the only man she truly ever loved .

C: TELL ME she had yelled again when neither Alexx or Horatio answered .

ALEXX: im sorry baby she said sadly looking down at the file in her hand ,calleigh understood eric had died from a gunshot wound to the chest her bullet had killed him not the russian not the fire she had ,he had died by her hands .

Calleigh tried to run away to hide to be by herself but everything in her had fall appart she crumble on the floor alexx and horatio catching her before she hit the floor violently ,alexx heart broke watching her sweet southern girl died along with her soul mate the only thing she could do was hold her and rock her until calleigh calmed down ,but calleigh never calmed down she never moved on from loosing eric .

What had been particularly hard for her was the way they left things she had told him things in anger questionned his judgement when it came to his father ,instead she wished she had told him she loved him like she had plan to do that very evening ,but she would never get the chance to do ,only in her dream where she could see him in the flesh they were sometimes so vivid that when she woke up she would be in tears ,Calleigh Duquenes had no meaning in life anymore and horatio knew calleigh was close to the edge even 3 years after his death .