Crazy - Chapter 1: How Beer is My Savior

Here is Crazy! This is the beginning of a story you ain't ever seen before!

Warning: Pure and utter crack fic. The characters shall be immensely OOC at varying points. This is written for the purpose of alleviating my own boredom. Don't like, then here's an easy solution for you: don't continue to read.

Disclaimer: I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist.

Wrath/Führer Bradley's POV:

People were under the impression that being Führer Bradley, the ruler of Amestris, you were an honorable and charismatic man who lived life in luxury. They would not be wrong. People believed that being the Führer himself would get you numerous benefits, and others loved and respected you. Why, of course that was true. So being a prodigious man that others revered, naturally, would make it seem as though I had a happy life. And that was pretty much true...

When I was at work.

But then I'd go home to them.

Yes, them: my wife, Mrs. Bradley, and my son, "Selim," whose real name was Pride but my wife was too stu—I mean, ignorant to find out.

I had a wonderful and sweet life at work. People saluted to me, and I could do crap behind the big desk because, well, I sat on the throne and no one was allowed to scold me for anything. And, I enjoyed messing around with Colonel Roy Mustang. (I forced his favorite lieutenant, Hawkeye, to serve under me. He was so crushed, ahaha.)

But then, evening would set in, and I would return home—which was basically the most horrendous time of the day. My own wife was not as respectful to me compared to my employees, and she tended to torment me with random chiz. For instance:

"Oh, today, I went to the store and bought blah, blah, blah."

On a typical basis, I would drown her out by popping open a beer and downing that sucker. Whenever she would continue to ramble on about her daily schedule, I would drink another one.

But, that was not the worst part.

No. The worst part would occur whenever she starts to talk about Selim. Once you got that ball rolling, she would not stop—like, oh, my Lord, I got it; he's cute. I got it; he could read a whole book by himself now. Blah, blah, blah. She would go on and on about how adorable and polite he was. And, how cuddly he was, which frankly, I could have lived my whole life without knowing that. Please, just shut up! But I couldn't say that to my own wife; my meddlesome servants were always damn present. So, as nice as I am, I would drink another beer. Haha.

At this, my wife would complain about how I drink to an excessive extent, and that my health was deteriorating because of that. Oh, please, my beer was my savior. She didn't know that the reason I survived this long was because I drank to smother their noises. If I had no alcohol in my veins, I'd be dead a long time ago. Presumably twenty years ago when I had married her (but she didn't talk that much back then).

My wife usually forged a way to get back to conversing about Selim. The reason I was still hearing her meant I was not drunk enough.

But as I got up to reach for another beer, my wife said the "adorable" Selim drew a picture of the family today. I got it; he could draw stick figures. Whoo hoo. Honestly, I needed to have my beer right next to me; it was a stupid mistake to put it on a table across the room.

My wife blah blah blah'd for a whole minute—I know you're getting the impression that I hate her. I don't. She's my wife and stuff. But, she talks too goddamn much about useless things that I don't give two shits about.

Well, anyway, she called Selim, and little Pride trotted down the stairs with a picture in his small, shamefully feminine hands. Oh, crap. I popped open a fresh beer and downed it when he approached for his stupid "show and tell." They should make it illegal outside the boundaries of school.

Pride—no, Selim grinned ear to ear and held up his picture of three stick figures holding hands with one another. "Look, Daddy! I drew a picture of our happy family!"

I leaned in for a closer look and grimaced. He drew me the tallest, and my neck was humongous and my head was a tiny circle. Damn, I needed to give this kid drawing classes, and some glasses because I'm sure as hell I do not look like that. Handsome devils like me are not skinny as a stick with a dot as a face.

"Do you like it, Daddy?" My wife and son glanced at me in a hopeful manner, their eyes sparkling.

"No," I answered flatly.

As expected, my wife metaphorically pounced on me like a whiplash. She gasped, "How could you say that to our son?"

"'Cuz I'm not drunk enough to lie right now."

Pride mischievously shot me a smirk and then scrunched up his face, pretending to cry; what a little bastard. Seeing this, she attempted to console him by hugging him tightly. "Look what you did! You made our poor little Selim cry!"

"...So?"

My wife was infuriated, and she began fuming, smoke coming out of her ears and everything. "You know what? Don't even bother to sleep together with me! You're sleeping on the sofa tonight!"

Oh, thank goodness. I performed a quick prayer of gratitude. A whole night of peace with just my lovely companion, Beer.

So anyway, that was yesterday. Today, however, I was all giddy not only because I had a good night's sleep but because my new car arrived! It was the latest and sleekest version. (Told ya being the Führer got you benefits.) So, I was dying to take it out for a midnight spin, but then my wife spoke up and ruined my relaxing envisage.

"Guess what? I won two reservation tickets to a five-star restaurant!" my wife chimed joyfully. "That means we can go out on a date tonight."

Ooh, I didn't think I needed a beer so soon.

"Uh, you see..." I desperately searched through my mental receptacle to find an excuse to avoid this impending event. (I mean, a whole night with just her at a restaurant, which meant in public? A date? Sure, it was cute when we were young. But we're freakin' in our forties where you start to undergo some nasty changes once again.) I cleared my throat "...I don't know—"

At the moment, Selim returned home from school. (Wow, I never thought I'd be happy seeing him.) He entered the house and carelessly left the front door ajar. He greeted us, in which I ignored as per usual, and my wife grinned and inquired how his day was. Well, it was time for another beer.

But then, Selim stated something rather strange, "Mommy, I invited one or two of my friends over. Is that okay?"

We were both stunned, for different reasons.

"You have friends?" I blurted out, wholly astonished. That evil little kid, who secretly tries to get my wife furious with me, has friends? Pals, that he can hang with? Buddies who actually appreciate him, and have chosen to be around him voluntarily?

My wife slapped my shoulder disapprovingly. "Why, of course our little Selim has friends! He's such a nice boy." Ugh, "nice" must have had a separate, possibly opposite, definition these days; nobody forewarned me about that.

Cheerfully, my wife clasped her hands as if she was going to pray. "Of course you can bring them over, Selim! I'm so excited to meet them!"

Selim smiled at her and then announced, "You guys can come in now!"

And then, they came in. The party consisted of Lust, Gluttony, Envy, Greed (and Ling; they're together in the same body—it's complicated), and Sloth (somehow he fitted through the front door).

The Homunculi.

You don't know how close I was to a heart attack when I saw them. I was like psychic or whatever because I knew tragedy and suffering was destined to begin now.

"We need a place to crash for the night," Envy noted casually while stifling a yawn. "So you don't mind if we stay, right?"

I mind. But before I was going to blurt that out, I glanced over at my wife just in case. Shocked and horrified by their grotesque appearances, she struggled to maintain her expression to a bare minimum by pursing her lips. Apparently, she wasn't expecting these kind of "friends." Now, this was the chance of a lifetime!

"Selim," I said, "I thought you said it was only one or two friends. You gotta learn math." I pointed to Sloth. "He looks like four kids put together. And I'm not talking about those skinnyass kids that go 'oh hee hee' and play Ring Around the Rosie. I meant those kids that eat hamburgers and french fries for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and hourly snacks."

"But they need a place to stay, Daddy."

"These are kids from your school?"

"...Yes."

"Really?" I inspected all of them in a criticizing fashion. "They don't look like fifth-graders to me."

Pride blinked and studied the "friends" he brought over. "No... they're... fourth...?" Wow, his lies were getting more and more pathetic. I smugly grinned and was about to reveal his stupid little lie into the light, when my wife cut in.

"Selim," my wife started slowly, "can you introduce them to me?"

"Sure. This is Lust, Gluttony, Envy, Greedling, and Sloth." He gestured at each respective individual as he identified them.

My wife stared for a long while, and I had to wave my hand in front of her so that she could remember to blink. "...Those are some... interesting names."

"Yeah, what's wrong with your parents?" I asked curtly, and my wife slapped me on my shoulder again.

"Now, if they don't have a place to stay... then they don't have a place to stay."

"Why're you repeating yourself—"

"Anyway, that's that. We're of course courteous enough to provide rooms for their temporary residence," she finished. Although her mouth said one thing, her eyes said another; I detected a bit of reluctance there.

"Great. A sleepover," Greedling declared in a bored and indifferent manner.

My wife forced herself to smile. "Yes, it is. Okay, you all can stay—"

"Whoa, I didn't agree to it, woman!" I snapped. "And I'm the boss of this place! This is my house!"

"They all can stay," she repeated through gritted teeth. "Feel poor for them!"

I gawked at the five Homunculi, trying to squeeze an ounce of pity for them out of my warm and generous heart.

Sloth's heavy-lidded eyes were barely wider than slits, as he was ready to fall asleep any second. Gluttony was scarfing down the bag of chips like his life depended on it. Lust stared at her manicured nails intently as though it was more interesting than the discussion of where she would be sheltered. Greedling was glancing around the room, mumbling to himself (probably to Ling, but was too embarrassed to actually speak aloud), and Envy had his hands behind his head in a lackadaisical manner, yawning yet again.

They appeared pretty carefree to me. Glaring at the Homunculi, I muttered, "I ain't feeling nothing. Tell me how you don't have a house to stay in. Your parents kicked you out? Notice, everyone, how I don't look surprised."

"Honey, stop being rude!" my wife scolded with a censuring frown. Leave it up to her to say sweet, lovey-dovey nicknames at a time like this.

Envy, Lust, and Greedling snickered quietly. "Honey," Envy repeated and made kissy faces at me.

"Ugh, boy. I'm damn glad my eyesight ain't so hot."

"Anyway, you can stay," my wife benignly assured, "since I believe it's very convenient. My husband and I are going out on a date this evening—"

The Homunculi started guffawing sardonically to one another. The problem was Sloth, as slow as he is, laughed like: "Ha... Ha... Ha." So, it kinda killed the hysterical moment for them.

"—and we'd like Selim to have company. You know, for someone to watch over him."

Envy nodded wisely, cupping a hand under his chin as if he was deliberating something. "Don't worry. We'll take care of little 'Selim.' I'd pick him up, spin him around like a little princess"—he paused to apply a dramatic effect—"and toss him in a trash can."

"I heard that. Up top," I said, and we high-fived.

"Bradley!" my wife chastised my not-very-fatherly support. She reverted her attention back to the Homunculi. "Please, do not misbehave during our absence. And, if you don't mind, I would like to give you each some constructive criticisms."

Here we go. Her passing of judgment initiated with Greedling, who she smiled warmly at. "Well, except for you. I currently don't have a problem with you."

Envy sneered contemptuously, "Mommy's kid."

Nonchalantly, Greedling replied, "Don't be so envious, Envy. Everyone just naturally love me."

"Sorry, but I'm not 'everyone,'" Envy shot back with a disdainful glare.

"First, you," my wife addressed to Sloth, pinching him to a wake, "do not fall asleep all the time." The moment her compression on his skin was released, Sloth fell asleep again. Whoo, that was different.

She maneuvered to Gluttony. "You should cut down on the eating and try some fruits and vegetables!" She snatched the bag of chips from his hand and thrust him a ripe apple. He shrugged and simply swallowed it in a flash, much to her speechless amazement.

My wife hastily moved on to Envy. "And you. Would it kill you to tie your hair or to get a haircut?" Envy scowled, and the rest of us chortled at him and his palm tree-ish hair.

Finally, she went to Lust. "And you. Decent girls should not wear so much revealing clothing." She grabbed a leather coat from a hook and placed it on top of Lust's bosom, and we groaned in response. Great, the highlight of my day was covered.

After imposing her decrees, my wife stood back to admire her brief and swift work. "Okay, wonderful. Now you can—"

"Wanna see my room?" Selim suggested. No one really wanted to, I could tell, but the Homunculi were searching for a way to escape from Mrs. Bradley. Hence, they complied eagerly and ran up the stairs. In fact, Selim didn't even check to see if they agreed and was the first one to zip free.

The moment that they disappeared, I settled into my favorite living room chair, relaxing and drinking my beer. I was reading and enjoying the funnies in the newspaper, when my wife interrupted.

"Honey."

"Dammit, woman, I'm reading the funnies so shush it."

"No! This is important!" she claimed. She lowered her voice into a whisper as she prattled while anxiously looking up the stairs. To me, whatever she was saying sounded like this: "..." along with hushed breaths.

I scowled, exasperated. "Woman, dammit, why are you freakin' whispering? I can't even hear you!"

She sighed and increased the volume of her voice, "I'm worried for Selim—"

Chug, chug, chug! I began to drink my beer as fast as I could.

"Those friends of his... They don't seem like they will be such a good influence on him."

"And what do you want me to do about it?"

"Can you go upstairs and check what they're doing?"

"Why can't you?"

"Please!" she begged, clasping her hands together and batting her eyelashes—which seriously stopped looking good the second she hit her thirties. "Please! Please! Please!" Man, she was like a broken record, but worse because you can't punch it and expect it to shut up.

"Oh, fine," I relented to the insufferable pleads. "Just shush it." Tediously, I trudged up the stairs, while yearning to be able to finish perusing the funnies section (which was the only section that I read in the newspaper). If I don't listen to her, she will never cease her pestering.

When I reached the front of Selim's door, I paused stealthily. I waited for an interval of five seconds, and my hand gripped the doorknob in preparation. And then BAM, I swung it open!

"Ah, ha!"

The Homunculi were gathered in a circle just staring and blinking at one another, having nothing to say. They gazed up at me when I had barged in with hopes of catching them in a culpable act. My "ah, ha" suddenly seemed very lame and awkward for me.

"Uhh," I muttered, twitching, "jeez, calm down, you party animals. Ah, ha... Ha." I closed the door and descended the stairs with haste; motion helped to ward off the embarrassment.

"So what happened?" my wife immediately questioned when I appeared into sight.

I informed, "They were just staring at each other like a bunch of no-lives."

"Really?" She looked relieved. "Well, that's good! We can go on that date right now, and I won't be worried."

"But... I wanna take my new car out on a spin!" I complained fretfully, adding a roll of my shoulders.

"That's a pity; I already rented a limo to come pick us up."

"Dammit, woman, you keep spendin' my money for us. I wanna spend it for me!"

"Just come on," she urged and ushered me to the front door. "Let's go have a romantic date!" Ugh. My wife then heightened her voice so that it may be extended to the floor above us. "Kids! We're leaving now!"

"Yeah, go ahead!" Envy shouted back. "We'll just be here staring at each other!"

"Have fun!" my wife chimed, despite how ridiculous Envy's sentence was. Soon after, we both ventured to the parked limo waiting outside. I looked back at my stately mansion. Be safe.But then again, the Homunculi weren't doing anything, so it will be safe. I did not have to worry at all.

"I did not have to worry at all"—I must have had a brain-fart for thinking that.

After three abhorrent, goddamn boring hours of her pouring her thoughts and feelings to me while I was trying to freakin' eat, she finally opted to go home. I was hungry though, albeit returning from a restaurant. She doesn't know that her blabbering on and on makes it hard for me to swallow anything but beer.

Anyway, I was excited about going home to take my new car for a ride. I had a dangerous impulse to climb in the car and drive... and drive... and never come back.

But then, the limo dropped us off at my mansion. Or where my mansion was supposed to be.

In its place was a huge pile of rubble and ashes, due to a catastrophic fire by the looks of it. And there they were, standing in the middle, while wearing awe-struck countenances as if they were bewildered themselves.

For some reason, Pride was wearing make-up, Lust was electrocuted and her hair was in an Afro (she was soooo unattractive to me right now). Greedling was mostly buried while alive, Envy was bald, and Gluttony was naked (God forbid my greatest fear had come true; a horror that I could not un-see). Sloth—that bastard in the driver's seat—drove my brand new car into the house, destroying it in the process! And, somehow, Edward Elric was also here, dressed up as me, with an eye-patch and everything.

. . .

HOW THE F*CK DID THIS HAPPEN!?

Cripes, I needed another beer.