Perdit amare

I've had this idea forming slowly since I saw X-Men: First Class, and finally have a computer to type my stories on again, so I could actually work on it. My other stories will be updated again soon, though I have put Werewolf's Rain on hiatus for a while.

This story operates under the assumption of pre-established Erik/Charles goodness, so if you don't like it, don't read it.

The title is latin for "to have loved and lost," according to google translator. This is going to be a crossover with Bleach, in the sense that Seireitei and shinigami are the real afterlife in this universe. This also deviates from the end of the movie, just so you know.

I have this first chapter in mostly italics and in present tense, but it is meant to be sort of a flashback, as this is the prologue. Don't judge me!

Disclaimer: I don't own X-Men or Bleach

Prologue

Erik feels the bullet entering Charles' body, shattering his vertebrae, piercing his organs, breaking through the skin of his abdomen and leaving a gaping hole in the flesh. The telepath's verbal cry is painful sounding enough, but from the look on Moira's face, and on the faces of all the other mutants on the beach, his mental shriek must be ten times worse. He falls like a marionette that's just had its strings cut, and Erik can't move fast enough to catch him before he hits the sand, but he still rushes to pull him into his lap and gently cradle his injured body. A heavy, cold weight settles in his chest as he watches Charles try to apply pressure to the wound with his own hands, but only succeeds in pawing weakly at the growing bloodstain on the front of his uniform. Erik hears Moira take a tentative step towards him, and the cold weight blooms into a fiery ball of pure fury. His sixth sense finds the bullet that so recently passed through Charles' tender flesh, and, with barely even a second thought, he sends it flying through her skull. There is a gasp from Raven, and he hears the young ones begin to rush towards them.

"Stay back!" he roars, the anger and finality in his voice stopping them all in their tracks. He focuses on them only long enough to ensure they won't come any closer for now, and then turns his eyes back to Charles, who is struggling to breathe, but trying to speak nonetheless. Erik yanks his helmet off, tossing it to some unseen spot behind him, and feels like his mind is being flooded by everything Charles is.

It hurts everything hurts the bullet burned a hole through me and it hurts so much I can't move my legs can't even feel them I'm cold shouldn't be this cold on the beach in the middle of the day oh God it hurts make it stop please please please! It's like Charles can't control what he is projecting anymore, so everything comes pouring out in one enormous wave of unrestrained thought. Erik Erik Erik you deflected the bullet you did this you not your fault never your fault I don't blame you could never blame you I love you always have won't ever stop loving you no matter what you've done Shaw is dead you killed him you don't have to fight him anymore be at peace my friend be at peace I'm cold why am I cold everything is getting fuzzy and cold and I don't like it.

"It's okay, Charles, it's going to be alright. Just hold on, we'll get you to a hospital, and everything will be alright," he says, intending to sound strong and confident, but ending up pleading desperately. He has finally avenged his mother, so he should be at least satisfied, but he can't be, not when he is having his heart ripped out all over again, after years and years of enduring the emptiness his mother's murder left him with. "Azazel can transport us somewhere, somewhere far from here, and we'll get the best doctor there is to fix you up, so just hang on, okay?"

Azazel Azazel… Charles seems to cling to the name, and tilts his head back to stare in the teleporter's general direction. Azazel can take you all somewhere safe far away from here home back to the mansion take the kids Erik take them home keep them safe take care of them still so much potential in all of them they have to train more hone their skills Hank needs to get used to his new form his strength I want to be there for them want to see them grow I need you to do that for me please help them for me love for me.

"Don't say such things! You are the one they need, the one I need, so don't you dare leave me! Not after all we've done together!"

Charles' body seems to convulse a little, and he turns his head to cough blood onto the sand. He turns back to Erik, his eyes unfocused but still finding his own unerringly. I'm sorry so so sorry my friend I don't think I can stay I feel so tired it doesn't hurt so much anymore but I'm cold so so cold why is it cold on the beach Erik I was sweating a few minutes ago but now I'm freezing why I don't understand. There is a pause in his mental speech, and he shudders from head to toe (or he would, if he could feel his legs at all). When he starts projecting again, his mind's voice has become much smaller, almost childlike. I'm scared Erik I'm so scared it's so cold and I feel like I'm floating and it's getting dark and I don't want to leave please don't make me go I don't want to go I'm scared don't want to be alone don't want to be without you ever again I'm scared Erik Erik where are you I can't really see you anymore where did you go I need you.

"I'm here, love, I'm here." Erik shifts Charles' weight a little, clasping on of his limp hands firmly. He presses his lips firmly to the palm, and Charles' inhales shakily, coughing up more blood on the exhale. "Don't be scared, I'm with you. We're all here with you." He finally looks up at the others again, nods at them to let them know it's okay to approach the two of them now, and there is a mad rush to crows around them. Even Angel, Azazel, and Janos find their way into the group, though the latter two do so in a much more cautious manner, despite the fact that they, too, can feel the gravitational pull of Charles' mind calling them.

Raven is at the front of the pack, with Hank just behind her, and she drops to her knees beside her brother. She brushes his sweaty, matted bangs away from his eyes, cooing softly to him as his thoughts shift to focus on her for a few minutes, conveying every ounce of love he has for her. Hank inspects his wound, mindful of his new claws as he does so, and Charles praises him for his intelligence, his compassion, his unending patience for Alex, and his unparalleled love for his new, albeit dysfunctional, family. He addresses each of them in turn, even speaking briefly to Janos and Azazel, offering them the same sanctuary he has offered to each of his students, before returning to Erik.

My friend my brother my love I love you love you so much take care of them for me they need you now more than ever I love you I don't want to leave you just stay with me for a little while longer please need you here I love you don't go don't make me go I love you.

"I'm not going anywhere, Charles. I promise." He presses the telepath's cold, limp hand to his cheek, nuzzling it affectionately and not caring who sees. "I'll be right here the whole time, don't worry."

There are no more words from Charles' mind, just a low-pitched whine that slowly grows to a high-pitched keening. Erik refuses to even think of asking Charles to shield his mind from them now; he couldn't break his promise just to comfort himself. The keening builds and builds and builds and-

Suddenly, it stops. Charles takes a deep breath, pauses, then exhales for the last time. His body goes limp in Erik's arms, and his eyes, still locked on Erik's face, become blank and lifeless.

And the constant presence of his mind disappears completely.

For the longest time, there is absolute silence. No one speaks even a single word. Then, as if a switch has been flipped, Azazel moves to clasp a hand on Erik's shoulder, holding out his other to allow one of the younger mutants to grab it. One by one, they link themselves together, holding tightly to friend and former foe alike, united in their silent grief.

"Hold tightly to him, comrade," the teleporter says quietly, "and picture where you want to go."

The next instant, they find themselves in front of the Xavier mansion. They all stay rooted to the spot, staring at their home, until Sean says, quietly (for once), that they need to bury Charles.

It is an arduous task, Alex and Hank digging a deep pit under one of the large trees on the estate while Erik uses every bit of strong scrap metal he can find to construct a sturdy coffin. He doesn't let go of Charles for even a second while he completes his self-appointed duty. Later, when all the preparations are made, and Charles has been cleaned up and dressed in his best clothes, Erik sets him gently in his metal resting place, closes and seals it, and lowers it gently into the pit. Raven weeps as Janos creates a fairly small whirlwind to sweep all the loose dirt back over it, and helps Hank, Alex, and Sean tamp it down firmly. The young mutants are freer in expressing their sorrow, while Erik, Janos, and Azazel stand by and observe in stoic silence.

It isn't until Erik returns to the room he and Charles shared, collapses on the bed, and inhales his lover's lingering scent, that he finally breaks down and sobs, only sleeping when his body is completely drained of every ounce of energy it has.

In the morning, he will be tortured again by the thought of what he has lost, but until then, he can still pretend everything is okay, that Charles is still with him, in the world of his dreams.