A/N: The final instalment of this story…
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Chapter 8

Dinner in the servants' hall that evening was a rather jolly affair. Enid was practically giddy with happiness and her joy had a contagious effect. Although most of the staff guessed she and Henry had resolved their problems, no-one seemed to know exactly what had happened. And Anna and Bates just shared soft, knowing smiles between them.

After dinner, when everyone had fawned over the house, resuming their duties he caught her alone in a hallway for a brief moment. ´We need to talk,´ he stated gently.

´We do,´ she nodded, trying to sound more confident then she felt. There was something in his eyes that made her feel decidedly… fidgety.

´It´s still nice outside… will you meet me later in the kitchen´s garden?´ he asked, his voice barely more than a burr.

She nodded, finding it very hard to find words all of a sudden. ´I´m done in half an hour or so…´ she managed eventually.

His smile seemed to fill his entire face, sending her heart racing. ´I´ll see you then.´

The evening was beautiful. It had been the first warm day of spring. Early blossoms and fresh new green that had begun to sprout now bathed in the soft yellow and orange light of sunset.

He was already there when she came into the garden, sitting calmly on a stone bench, holding his cane in both is hands, his bad leg stretched out in front of him. She wondered how he could look so calm, so collected, while she felt so wind up. She contemplated sitting next to him, but then decided against it. Still too fidgety.

´Enid looked very happy this evening,´ she remarked.

´She certainly did,´ He could hear the strain in his voice, cringing slightly at it, feeling the knot of nerves in his stomach grow even tighter.

´You know…´ he looked down for a moment, shuffling his foot through the gravel before looking up again. ´I had quite a interesting discussion with Henry this afternoon.´

´Really?´ Anna asked flatly.

´Yes. We talked about his sense of duty. And about shutting people out because of it…´ Then he realized he was up to his old tricks again.

And so did she.

´John…´

Hearing her use his name for the first time caused such a rush of emotions to well up in him that he was unable to speak a word, letting her continue instead.

´I´m not playing this game anymore,´ her voice was soft, yet very determined. ´Right now I don´t care one bit about Henry. I`m only interested in what you have to say.´

´That´s fair enough, I suppose,´ he said quietly, stepping up and coming to stand in front of her.

´Anna…´ he held her gaze, determined not to waver, but to bare his soul to her. ´For so long I´ve felt it was my duty to protect you from my past… And I was wrong, I see that now… It´s just… I´ve dealt with the guilt and shame of it for so long…´ he choked, his voice cracking, ´that I don´t know what else to do.´

She placed her hand on his lower arm, stepping closer and standing on her tiptoes to match her eyes with his. ´John, I´ll never accuse you of anything.´

Every ounce of love he felt for her, had ever felt for her was displayed in the smile he gave her. ´You never did, did you?´

She smiled back at him, shaking her head slowly. Then her smile turned into the mischievous half-smile he adored so much.

´I´ll only ever accuse you of stealing my heart.´

He´d never thought it to be possible, but he loved her even more in that moment. She made things so easy for him. Slowly he reached up his hand and stroked the side of her face tenderly. But he matched her teasing voice when he told her: ´Ah…, but I´ll never confess to that.´

Her eyebrows shot up at that, her eyes growing wide. ´You won´t?´

He shook his head solemnly. ´No… you see as far as I know, fair exchange isn´t stealing.´

She burst into laughter and he happily joined in, feeling more alive than he had in a very long time. But it didn´t take long before her radiant face, so close to his own and her hands who seemed to be gripping his arms now, stirred a deep longing inside him, causing him to quiet down and cup her face in his hand.

´I love you, Anna,´ he told her, his voice rich with all the pend up feeling he had so long suppressed.

Those few words seemed to ignite a light in her eyes that took his breath away and caused his heart to thunder in his chest. He needed to kiss her, more then he needed his next breath. Lifting her face, slowly closing the distance between them he brushed his lips against hers, willing himself to be gentle, to be careful and give her time to respond at her own pace.

Her response came immediately. She wrapped her arms around his neck, her hands disappearing in his hair, pulling him closer to her, parting her lips to invite him in.

And he finally gave in, surrendering completely to her, her warmth, her mouth, her love. One of his arms found its way around her waist, pulling her close, the other came up to support the back of her neck while he showed her all his love, all his yearning.

When they broke the kiss her face was radiant, practically glowing with joy. He gazed at her face lovingly, marvelling at the fact that he had managed to bring about so much happiness in her.

Her fingers were busy tracing his face and her expression was almost dreamy. ´I love you,´ she told him happily.

´I know,´ he answered, and his voice betrayed so much amazement that she understood exactly how he meant it. She took his face in her hands and kissed his lips lightly, adding breathlessly: ´So very much.´

They stayed like that for a long time, wrapped in each other's arms, holding and kissing, sharing soft touches and words of love. Given the choice, he could be there until the end of time, lost in her. But his conscience eventually found him. Pulling away slightly so he could see her face he only said her name, but his voice was filled with a deep regret: ´Anna…´

The tone of his voice caused her smile to fall, but the light never left her eyes. ´We need to talk some more, don´t we?´ she asked resignedly.

´I love you, Anna,´ his voice was hoarse with passion. ´I love you more than words can express… and the heavens know how much I want you… but I am still a married man.´

`I know…´ she whispered sadly. `I know you are.´

The sun had set and the kitchen garden was now enfolded in shadows, making the past half hour seem like a dream. They remained silent for a while, still holding each other close, both making their way back to the grim face of reality. Eventually Anna looked up in his eyes again and asked: ´What are you thinking about?´

He swallowed deeply, but the words he spoke were the honest truth. ´I don´t want an affair, Anna. I don´t want to sneak around, only to have some brief, stolen moments together with you… and I will not,´ here his voice became more forceful, more determined, ´I will not compromise you. I will not risk your job or your reputation...´

She frowned a little at that. ´I suppose I should think it´s very noble of you to protect my virtue like that, but do I get a say in any of this?´

He released his hold on her and took her hands in his instead, thus putting more distance between them. ´I wasn´t finished yet… and I don´t want to make decisions for you, but I do want to let you know where I stand. I´m not holding back for your sake only… but as much for myself. I do not want to compromise my own morals, as selfish as that may sound.´

Anna stared long and hard in his eyes, slowly taking in what he said. His gaze, that had been guarded for so long, was now open and she felt she could read him completely for the first time. She could see his determination, his longing, his love and suddenly she understood. This man didn´t love by half. An affair- as he put it, would tear him apart. He would feel guilty about every kiss, every touch and it would eat at him, causing him to withdrawn in himself and shutting her out, until they would both be miserable.

Laying her hand against his cheek she told him: ´I know you are a very honourable man, John Bates. It would be equally selfish of me to ask you to be anything less than you are.´

He gave a wry smile, ´So- one of us must be allowed to be selfish then?´

In reply she gave him a brilliant smile of her own. ´Then let it be you… and let´s not compromise any of us.´

His throat tightened at her words. He knew himself well. He knew he tended to be a bit of a martyr. Always quick, perhaps too quick, to take the punch and suffer in silence. But here she was, the woman he loved beyond reason and who probably understood him better than anyone else, willing to do this for him. ´Are you sure this is what you want?´ he asked.

She sighed wistfully at that. ´What I want is to be with you, to be able to tell the world that I love you. But now is not the time for that. So I want to wait for you… with you until the time is right.´

´Anna…´ A sense of desperation gripped him. ´Anna, why would you? Why would you let me hold you back? Why don´t you walk away and find a man who can give you what you want?´

Even in the half-darkness he could see her face grow pale. Her eyes became dark with so deep an anger as he had never seen before. ´Don´t you never, ever tell me again that I shouldn´t love you,´ she told him in a low voice. ´If by now you still haven´t grasped the fact that I love you, then I don´t know what else I can do or say to make you understand that I do. I love you, John. It´s for you to take or leave… but if you can´t accept it, then you walk away. But let me choose for myself to whom I give my heart.´

She was his equal. And he knew then, simply knew from the bottom of his heart that they could make it work together. No matter how many trials and troubles they´d find on their way, they would face them together, knowing he could rely on her as much as she could rely on him.

He took her in his arms once again, relief flooding through him when she melted into him. ´Forgive me,´ he breathed, nuzzling her forehead. ´I love you, and I don´t think I can bear living without your love.´

Her anger evaporated as quickly as it had appeared, her arms coming up around him as well. ´Don´t you ever forget how much I love you.´

Their foreheads touching she continued. ´I know it´s not ideal – far from it. But for now, it´s enough for me to know that you love me and that you know that I love you. In that sense we can be together.´

´In that sense we are together,´ he told her, grasping her hand and placing it on his chest, over his heart. ´My heart belongs to you and we´ll find a way to be together… in every sense.´

He leaned in and their lips met, brief but soft and full of promise.

When they walked back inside a careless observer would not have noticed any difference. There was no touching, no holding hands, nothing that would indicate that he now carried her heart as she did his. But something had changed. Most definite and most profoundly so.

A/N: And there the story was supposed to end… only it didn´t. Because once I finished it I started thinking about what could have happen after this. How many more secrets does John Bates still keep? How would the rest of Downton make it through the war and of course: how would the Vera-complication play out? So there will be a sequel to this story called ´Honour bound.´ At the moment it´s still a WIP and I´ve gotten the first chapters back from my lovely beta Stuckinpast. It still needs a bit of tweaking, but I´ll probably post the first chapter over the weekend. The story will be general/romance and is basically my - very AU - take on season 2. Lots of pairings: Robert/Cora, Carson/Hughes, Edith/Sir Anthon, of course massive Anna/Bates and a few surprised down the road… so basically me shipping everyone in sight. I´ll hope to see you there!

As always, reviews are very much appreciated – I very much like to hear what you think. And thanks for reading this one!