For shame, starting another story.

Just be free and easy with the pairings, here, okay. Just go with it. Just take the crack and screw the canon, okay?

SHAKE IT - SHAKE - SHAKE IT

Jellal awoke with a tongue that was swollen and heavy in a mouth that felt raw and stank so potently of straight alcohol that he could actually feel it in his nose. He brought his hand to his head and rubbed his forehead, sweeping back blue hair that was now dirty and... kind of sticky and... had... Was that cream?

Argh. Why!

He hadn't opened his eyes yet. Something told him there was a mysterious and terrible world waiting for him outside the comforting expanse of his eyelids. He recognised he was lying on hard wooden floor - which was probably why his shoulder blades ached so bad - and the back of his head was all flat and numb. There was a suspicious wetness to his left sock, too, he noticed. He wiggled the toes on his right foot experimentally. They were free! Unconfined. Why was he only wearing one sock?

He felt a draught against his stomach and grunted from the cold, petulant, indignant... Wait- Why wasn't he wearing a shirt?

Jellal hid his face in the crook of his elbow. Okay, he reasoned, trying to stay calm. It was obvious he had been drinking – if nothing else, the taste of his mouth could attest to that. He had been released from prison, taken to Fairy Tail, met a few weirdos, music had started, lights went dim, something... happened... then a girl with a whole keg had said...

Hmm.

Past that, he couldn't remember. What was it with him and memory loss! Good start, Jellal, he growled to himself. Bloody job well done.

He would have to investigate all this. He remembered nothing. What had they got him to drinking? Jellal's sophisticated palate meant he only ever became accustomed to expensive wines and... sophisticated villain things - like brandy! The delinquents of Fairy Tail had probably given him a weird mix of spirits, ale, mead and box wine – GOON – probably all in the same bloody drink! And had he been-? His chest felt strange... his lungs. Jellal groaned as he identified another off taste in his mouth and nose. Had he been smoking as well? Really?

Jellal was struck by the not-unfamiliar notion that he was, in fact, a very big idiot. His thoughts were moving snail-slow through his head, floating about in a trance, shellshocked, as if most of their friends had been killed right before their eyes. Which, he admitted, was probably a pretty reasonable reaction. It had been a massacre; so many brain cells sacrificed to the God of Drunken Parties. Lucky he had a few to spare.

But he would definitely have to get up soon. Go exploring. Was he still even in the guild? Where was everyone else? Erza-! Where was Erza! Holy shit he could have done anything to her and he wouldn't be able to remember! He felt his face go red just imagining it – things he could have said – done – held – licked, bitten, kissed – STOP! Just... PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER. Surely he could find someone that remembered the night before. Surely they could help him out.

Don't be scared! Just think of it as an adventure! This would be his first Fairy Tail quest!

Momentarily inspired, Jellal opened his eyes-

Aaaand closed them again! Because OH GOD WHY DID THAT HURT SO MUCH HE WAS NEVER DOING THIS AGAIN-

Retreat! Get back! Roll over, groan and regroup!

Oh – no, okay that was a bad idea. Moving upset his stomach. Vomit! OF COURSE. That was why his throat was burning! New fact discovered!

It's the little things.

"Okay," he said out loud, eyes still scrunched shut, hands clutching his aching head. "Get a grip, Jellal. Come on. Up – up – up – UP!" And he rolled to his back, heaved and flipped to his feet. The momentum of the move almost sent him head over heels the other way, but he managed to stay upright, even if the world was spinning strangely through his squinty eyes. "Fuck," he muttered, a habit he had picked up while incarcerated. "Fuck, fuck, fuck fuck. Shit." He felt like he was going to throw up - a lot – everywhere – and his head throbbed like his brain was trying to escape out his ears. He looked at the ground, swayed a little, then opened his eyes. It wasn't so bad the second time. Less sunlight on the ground.

The wood looked disgusting, though. It was covered in bits of food and dust and a whole bunch of unidentifiable liquids. Had he really slept on that?

He looked disbelievingly around him, at all the bodies littered throughout the hall. Had everyone slept on that?

Oh! Nope, Gray and Wakaba were passed out on a table broken clean in half. There would be splinters in unpleasant places in the morning, Jellal sympathised. Especially since Gray was completely stark naked. Not that Jellal could really judge.

He looked down at his stomach, stuck out his hips so he could see down the length of it. He groaned. Someone had definitely drawn on him. There was a giant curve across his naval, just under his bellybutton and dangerously close to the unbuckled – wait – shit – what? – belt on his navy slacks. It was drawn with lipstick, he thought. Something red that caked together, sticky to the touch. Upon further inspection he realised that it was a mouth, his bellybutton a nose and his nipples, carefully lined in what was possibly black pen or texta, were now a pair of eyes. He took a minute to hate everyone, and then allowed himself a few seconds to be impressed by the quality of whoever had drawn on the eyelashes. They were immaculate!

Jellal turned around to look at where he had been sleeping. There was a Jellal-shaped bare patch on the floor, surrounded by (more) inidentifiable liquids, glasses, jugs, cups, bowls and the limbs of other people. Natsu was asleep where his feet had been, drooling openly – the source of Jellal's wet left sock, if his calculations were correct. Jellal looked down at the fabric of his pants and brushed himself off. Weird stuff had gathered there – lint and glitter and – he shifted around – jewels! There were jewels in his pockets and – ow – one in his freaking underwear! REALLY? SERIOUSLY?

He laughed a little deliriously. Giggled. Chuckled and then guffawed. He swung around unsteadily and looked for red. For scarlet – for Scarlet. Everyone was still asleep, and he had to explore whilst navigating the sleeping bodies of his new friends. He pulled off a number of impressive moves so as not to trip over or step on anyone. He heard someone hiccup and made a beeline for the bar, where Cana had woken up, swaying atop a huge keg of... something.

"Jellal!" she cried, happy to see him, arms outstretched. "My man!" As she fell and Jellal caught her clumsily, he considered the possibility that she still might be drunk. "How you feelin', handsome?" she asked with her arms around his neck, unable to support herself properly, her weight dragging the both of them towards the countertop, trying to remain upright.

"Like shit," he answered her. "Like shit. I was trying to find Erza to figure out what happened..."

Cana looked at him wide-eyed. "You don't remember? You went wild!"

ALARM BELLS!

"Normal wild or... Jellal-is-crazy-and-trying-to-resurrect-some-guy-who-isn't-actually-dead wild?"

"Both," she grinned, foxy and tricksy. Jellal groaned and heaved her, getting a better hold so that she didn't drop to the floor. "I didn't know you'd be so much fun! I thought it would be like, you know, maybe you'd like, cry a little and be all solemn and stuff but you danced on a table!"

"Did I really? Seriously?" he balked, distressed.

"Yes!" she laughed. "With Natsu and Gray in Lucy's high heels, with a pink feather boa around your neck!"

He felt the overwhelming urge to facepalm. "You're joking."

"I'm not! Mirajane brings a Polaroid camera to events like this so that we can piece together everything that happened the morning after. She DEFINITELY took pictures of THAT. Several. Lots. A heap. I think she also took pictures of when you..." She cut off, sly. He panicked.

"Of when I what?"

"No, no," she hiccupped. "I don't want to tell you. I want you to find the pictures! It's more fun that way! It's a Fairy Tail tradition." She played with the hair on the back of his neck, tried to run her hands through it but stopped often, what with all the leftover crap that was caked in it. She giggled in a way that made him terribly nervous and reached behind her, towards a little slip of shiny paper hidden partially under the keg.

"For example... Remember this?"

And she shoved a very incriminating photograph in his face.

SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE!

Oh, Jellal! What did you do~?