Title: Proving Ground

Pairing: None. Yet. S/A.

Rating: T

Disclaimer: Rookie Blue characters not mine.

Summary: So much of her wants to cling to him, but she knows that once she latches on, she'll never be able to let go.

A/N: This'll be a one-shot with the possibility of a two shot, depending on interest.

.::.::.::.

It's late and she's sore and bruised and completely exhausted.

She exits the empty locker room and scans the bullpen, looking for Luke. He's in his office with her and they're sitting too close and talking too low and smiling too much.

Glancing down at the modest diamond on her finger, she notices how dull it looks in the shadows, like it doesn't belong.

"McNally?" It's Oliver. He's been her partner off and on for a week now. "You alright?"

She looks up once again at the D's office to catch Luke and Jo laughing and she wonders what about death could be so cheerful.

When she looks back at Oliver, she knows he saw what she saw but he remains passive. "Yeah, I'm fine."

As she passes him, she feels his warm fingers on her forearm, stopping her. "You did good today," he states softly.

"But it was Gail who —"

"Peck got the arrest, she ran the op. But you? You saved a kid's life. You took a bullet for him." He tugs at the dressing covering her upper arm.

"I almost took a bullet."

"Hey, a graze still counts," he smiles as he backs away. "Have a good night McNally, take it easy. See you in a few days."

A glimmer of a smile and another nod, "Thanks."

She doesn't bother stopping by to say goodnight to her fiancé as she leaves for the night.

.::.::.::.

Her phone buzzes. She silences it and stuffs it inside her bag.

Mentally, her direction is aimless, but her feet take her to their true north.

She doesn't know why she's surprised when finds herself outside Sam's place. She doesn't even consider going up to the door and knocking, she's content with just knowing he's inside and there, actually there. Before she sets off again to who knows where, she falters when she sees movement inside.

Not one body, but two.

And they're standing close together.

Good for him, her head tells her inexplicably stung heart.

.::.::.::.::.

That night, she sleeps on the floor in her old apartment; glad she decided to hold onto it until the lease runs out (doesn't ask herself why).

It's a deep sleep, the kind where no alarm can wake her. Drifting into consciousness many hours later, she remembers that today is her Dad's six-month anniversary and that she promised to be at his meeting.

She has an hour to dress and get to the church, which she does with surprising speed. Stepping inside the back of the old building, she looks around for him, but frowns when she finds him absent.

An hour later and she trudges into his neighborhood bar and sits on the stool next to him. He's staring at a full glass of whiskey with tears in his eyes. The silence between them is thick with a hockey game murmuring in the background. Slowly, she covers the glass with her hand and turns to him.

"Six months, Dad. All this work," she falters as her voice cracks with devotion and fear. "You've come so far. Stick with it."

When he turns to look at her, she sees his bloodshot eyes and reddened cheeks. Too late.

"I guess…" she can't do this. No more. "I guess I'm not worth it."

"Andy —" He reaches out but she slips away like gossamer.

All she can hear is the lonely creak of the door as she leaves her father alone with his whiskey and tears.

.::.::.::.

Luke's house is only a bus ride away from this part of town, but she can't bring herself to drop by to pick up her stuff. Not yet. The inevitable conversation of I can't do this anymore and even worse you're still in love with her hangs heavy on her consciousness and she is too damn tired and sore to figure out where to start.

Andy wonders if he's even concerned about her. Ever since he got out of the hospital he's been all about work, even more so than before. She's not sure if it's the work itself or the person with whom he is working. Though she tried to ignore all the signs, all the rumors and the not-so-hushed whispering, Luke and Jo are simply a force to strong to deny.

And it hurts.

She's not sure if it's her pride or her heart, but it makes her question her judgment and regret the last six months and that's enough.

In need of distraction, she hops on the bus and takes it to her old neighborhood in search of dear friends.

When she walks into the bar, she finds familiar friends with a couple new faces. They give her a hard time at first for staying away so long, but no matter what, they always welcome her back. She plays a tense game of pool with an ex-boyfriend/life advisor and finishes off her evening with a doubles game of foosball. It's light and easy and no one asks her any probing questions. Just what she needs.

When the wee hours draw near, another friend, Josh, offers to give her a ride home. He listens quietly as she spills out the drama of the last few months since she saw him last.

"Andy," he says patiently, knowing how easily she gets herself worked up. "Think about the real issue: The fact that he's in love with someone else or that it doesn't even bother you that much?"

"What?" she sputters. "I love Luke. This hurts… a lot."

"I don't doubt that you love him, but maybe you aren't in love with him. Clearly not all was right between you two if his ex moved back to reclaim her territory and you didn't do anything about it."

"But I did!"

"No, Andy," Josh sighs, "You ran away. At the first sign of trouble, you clam up and you find an escape route. You don't fight. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but it's true. You've done it for as long as I can remember."

She sits in his passenger seat, smarting from his honesty. That's just it: the truth always hurts.

"Now maybe there's a reason or a person to explain why you never fully opened yourself up to him. You said he was the safe one. What does that even mean?"

She sniffs a little, rubbing the scant moisture leaking from her eyes. She exhales loudly, biting her lip.

"Andy… what does that mean?"

"It means he'd never leave me! That he wouldn't break my heart and that I'd never get hurt."

Even as she says the words, she knows how foolish she'd been — then and now.

They continue on until he reaches her place. He pulls to a stop and lets the car idle, waiting for her to say whatever it is that's nagging her.

Josh learned a long time ago to never hurry Andy McNally. Sure, she might rush into things without thinking, but eventually, she'll slow down long enough to consider her actions, to feel the emotions she chose to ignore.

"Not everyone is going to leave you," he says quietly, watching a couple walking down the street. "Not everyone leaves while you're away at school or drinks themselves into oblivion just because they can't own up to their ghosts."

"Leave my Dad out of this," she warns lowly.

"Right, because he's not the other reason why you showed up tonight? I heard he was back on the wagon again."

"Well… he's not."

"Ah —" he nods, realizing this was more serious than he thought. "Hey, do you want to come back to my place tonight? My sister is at her boyfriend's place. You could sleep in her bed. I can make you pancakes in the morning and we could con Fletcher into giving you some furniture."

She cracks a smile at the thought of them returning to the weekends of the past. Then she remembers why she spent so many weekends at his apartment and frowns.

"Josh, avoiding my problems doesn't help. I thought you said I needed to face my fears."

"You do, but maybe you can start tomorrow. With some solid support and a full stomach."

She contemplates his reasoning and can't help but find the offer appealing. When she nods, he smiles at her and pats her on the shoulder before putting the car in drive and taking them several blocks away.

"You know," Andy says as she follows him up the stairs to his apartment, "it's such a shame that you have a wonderful boyfriend who loves you no matter what, Josh."

"You introduced us, remember?"

"Yeah, that was only after having this raging crush on him for an entire semester, only to discover he played for the other team."

"Still, it was good of you. You always did look out for me. Always wanted me to be happy."

"I want that for everyone," she says flippantly. Thinking on her current situation, she reflects bitterly, "Then again, I tend to fail more often than not."

Josh frowns at her as he grabs a bottle of wine and two glasses and drops inelegantly next to her on the couch.

"Hey, remember when we were fourteen and you were trying to figure yourself out?"

"God, that was awful," he smiles back at her. "But you got me through all of that, every single terrible day."

"Hey, what are friends for?"

"Exactly." He clinks his glass against hers, "to making our friends happy."

Before drinking she echoes, "to the happiness of friends."

.::.::.::.

Perhaps it was a rash decision.

Then again, she doesn't think anyone will notice at this point.

Zipping up her jacket, Andy exits the D's office and walks through the empty bullpen out into the night.

A solitary diamond ring sits atop Detective Rosati's desk, returned to its rightful owner.

On Luke's desk is Andy's key to his house, because it was always just his. When he returns home later, he'll find her clothes removed from their closet and her belongings gone.

She imagines he'll feel relief after he gets over his initial dismay.

.::.::.::.

One day. She's spent the last three ruminating and now she has one day before she'll undoubtedly face Luke, face her. Face the failure of the relationship. It will hurt, but she doesn't want to think about that. No, she wants to build up her defenses and get good and strong.

Andy busies herself with putting away what little things she does possess. She goes to the grocery store gets the essentials, and ends up in her kitchen two hours later, baking. She makes cupcakes and muffins and cake and a pie. Her apartment smells like Betty Crocker exploded.

She kills a quarter of the red velvet cake in one sitting, but at least she figures out what to say to Luke when he'll inevitably lead her to an interrogation room for an unpleasant discussion.

Standing in front of her bathroom mirror, she stares herself until all the shapes and images blur and all she can see is a muted figure. When she refocuses, her cheeks are damp and her skin is splotchy. She lets the tears fall as she removes her shirt and turns sideways, examining the stitches on her arm and the mottled bruise stretching all around. It's sore and hurts when she flexes, but otherwise, she figures she'll wear that scar like a badge of courage.

For a second, she allows herself to think about Sam and what he'd say about her battle wound, but she chooses not to think about it. If she's going to get through this, all of it, then she must do it on her own.

Andy jogs into work the next day, reveling in the burn of her fast pace. She may be numb to most emotions right now, but at least she can feel what it's like to work hard. Arriving early, she takes the opportunity to shower and take her time dressing.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" says Traci as she bursts into the locker room, fuming. "I lost count of how many times I called you after I reached fifteen. I mean, seriously? Who does that?"

Andy's eyebrows shoot upward as she rummages through her bag. She grimaces upon finding the completely dead device mocking her neglect.

"Trace, I'm so sorry, I swear I forgot. I just tossed it in my bag and…"

Before Andy knows it, she is wrapped in Traci's arms. "We were so worried. No one knew where you were and your Dad came by and then Luke found the key and…"

"My Dad? Wait what?" Andy pulls away abruptly. "You know about that?"

"Andy, you left his key on his desk in the D's office. What were you thinking?"

"I was thinking that since I was giving Jo back her ring, I might as well kill two birds with one stone and give Luke his key." Andy turned and quickly finished dressing. "How many people know?"

"Right now? I think just me and Jerry. We were there when he found the key. He's really torn up, Andy."

She huffs and rolls her eyes. "Yeah I bet. At least he has Jo."

Traci shakes her head, "that's not fair and you know it." She shuts her locker and leads the way out where Andy is quickly manhandled by Sam.

"Ouch!" he drops her arm quickly, realizing it must have been her hurt arm.

"Sam —" Traci blurts but is silenced with a glare. She points to the conference room and Andy nods that she's okay. Her back against the wall, Andy's view is suddenly obscured by a very displeased Sam Swarek.

"How was your time off, McNally? Good? Enjoy yourself? Imagine my surprise Monday, when after spending a great weekend with my sister, I discover that not only did you get shot, but that you were MIA."

"Sam —" he's getting wound up and if she doesn't stop him now, she never will. "First off, it was just a graze. And more importantly… I think… I think you should take that offer. That one from Boyd."

Her words stop his rant dead in its tracks. "You what?"

"It's a temporary assignment right?" She's pacing at this point; hoping he doesn't catch how hard this is for her to say. "You wouldn't be there forever. I just… you've always wanted this — Guns and Gangs. It'll be good for you, it'll… it'll make you hap- happy."

"Andy, stop. Stop," he grabs her hand to stop her. "Where is this coming from?"

She exhales quickly, ignoring others as they pass. Turning to face him, she brings both her hands up and runs them through her hair. In all her preoccupation with Luke, she'd never considered how hard it would be to deal with Sam.

"When we first met, you made it very clear that patrol was not your first choice," Andy states plainly, her eyes fixed downward. "I know you wanted to think about Boyd's offer and obviously I don't know what it entails, but I know how excited you get when we're undercover. You don't just like it. You love it."

Sam is silent, his heart beating hard against his chest. He hears her words but all he can focus on is why she's trying so hard to push him away.

Just then, Andy's head jerks upward at the sound of a familiar voice: it's Boyd, walking down the hall with Best. Suddenly her timing makes sense. He'd mentioned last week that Boyd was coming by today to update Best and to get Sam's final word.

She watches as he catches sight of Boyd, as the realization crosses his face. So much of her wants to cling to him, but she knows that once she latches on, she'll never be able to let go. Too much of her life has proved that she can't rely so heavily on someone.

She needs him to be happy, to find happiness. Away from her.

Sam is looking at her as she runs through the reasons in her mind and she can tell he understands. He puts his hands on her shoulders, ducks his head so he can look her in the eyes.

"This isn't over, McNally," his voice is gruff and quiet. "You and me? Not over. When I get back, we're going to have a nice long talk."

"Sam—"

He pushes off and holds up his hand. "And for the record, Andy," he backs away as he says this, "what I loved about going under was that I was with you."

Her face screws up in sadness and pain as he turns and walks to Best's office. Andy gains her composure and walks into Parade, sliding into her seat next to Traci.

A few minutes later, Luke enters, looking like he's been through the ringer. Just behind him comes Best, looking gruff and official as he takes the floor.

"Alright Coppers, nothing new to report. Get ready for a hot one today. Diaz with Williams, Peck in booking, McNally with Shaw, Nash with Epstein. Okay Fifteen, serve, protect, and stay out of trouble."

As Andy stands to follow Shaw, Luke quickly moves in and blocks her path.

"Andy, can we just talk for a minute?"

"Luke —"

"Please?" he looks so awful. "Just five minutes."

Andy catches Shaw's eye as he holds up his hand in a five-minute gesture and motions towards the parking lot. She nods then turns to Luke. "Fine."

Just before reaching the interrogation room, she looks over to Best's office and sees Sam shaking hands with Boyd. Luke holds open the door as she steps inside, her eyes on her partner until the door closes behind Luke.

It will be almost nine months before Andy sees Sam again. And this time, she's the one doing the rescuing.

.::.::.::.

A/N: Many people note how immature Andy is with respect to her personal life. I find it odd for someone her age and her history to act the way she does, but hey, I'm not the show runner. Anyway, I can make this a two-shot if enough people care. We'll see… Thanks for reading!