A/N: My humorous take on the epic Dynasty Warriors saga. Depending on the reviews I may or may not expand. Enjoy!

Luoyang, Capital of the Han Dynasty

Cao Cao, styled Mengde, Prime Minister of Han, and de facto ruler of the North sat resplendently at his desk in the palace. Things were quiet on that late summer day and a soft breeze gently blew through the open windows creating an aura of serene harmony. As the wind brushed against his aged features, Cao Cao found his mind drifting to the past. To the beginning of it all.

He sighed, the world had changed much in his lifetime. Indeed he had been the architect behind the many upheavals that rocked China to this very day, but it all seemed so pointless now for he had failed to unify the Middle Kingdom. Liu Bei and Sun Quan still opposed him, not to mention the ever present thorn in his side–Ma Chao–and the rest of the people of Liang and Lanzhou that were always plotting rebellion. If he was a younger man then perhaps he could crush them, but not now. Now he was an old man waiting for death. He sighed once more.

One of the servant girls at his side nestled closer to him and he playfully squeezed her bosom. She yelped and the other girls giggled. Alas even they could not arouse the Hero of Chaos–not now at any rate. No, Cao Cao was too caught up in the past, as old men often are. Whilst the warm summer air lulled him to sleep he felt his mind drifting once again. Back to when it all began…

Yellow Turban Rebellion

The battle had raged for nearly ten minutes and already the enemy soldiers seemed sluggish and unresponsive, not unlike those of the Coalition Forces. But they barely mattered at all. No, as always it seemed that all the fighting, all the decisive action was left up to the heroes and the occasional Base Captain.

"Son of a birch!" screamed Xiahou Yuan as he slaughtered yet another captain. The surrounding troops immediately fled but he pursued them and cut them down one by one. "Stick face!Mother plucker! Frickin eyehole! Clock sucking oar!"

"Jeez, where do they find these guys anyway?" wondered a Coalition soldier.

"I dunno, but you should have heard him before he went through therapy." said another.

"Look at him go. I'm sure glad he's on our side."

"Not like it matters." said the other soldier, "We barely do anything anyway. As far as I'm concerned this is an easy way to make a–" The soldier was silenced as a spear impaled him from behind.

"The enemy commander is mine!" shouted Zhang Liang, tossing the soldier into a huge pile behind him that magically disappeared within seconds.

"Not like we were gonna help anyway." muttered a Yellow Turban.

"Who dares challenge Xiahou Yuan?" growled the burly warrior.

"It is I, Zhang Liang, mighty warrior of the Yellow Turbans!"

"Hey that's offensive!" shouted one of his soldiers.

"Yeah, just cause we're Chinese doesn't mean we're all yellow."

"Ugh…" Liang slapped his forehead, "I swear I would slaughter you all if only my spear wasn't friendly-kill proof!"

"Well then, shall we begin?" Xiahou Yuan strung his bow with a smile.

"You bet your %&$# we will."

"You…said a bad word!" Yuan's eyes glowed red. "My therapist told me not to use that kind of language! Now you're dead!"

The two ran at eachother at breakneck speed. Xiahou Yuan loosed an arrow and struck Liang straight in the chest. To his surprise the arrow magically disappeared and the warrior continued to charge at him virtually unaffected. Switching to his sword at the nick of time, Yuan quickly parried what would have been a fatal blow and proceeded to spam Liang with nonstop quick attacks mixed with the occasional combo.

Once more to his surprise, and chagrin, Liang successfully blocked every attack–without even moving his spear. Jumping back to avoid a counterattack, Yuan thought: "Damn this guy is good."

"Rawrrr!" to Yuan's dismay Liang began to glow with a redish orange hue. Before he knew what was happening Yuan found himself flying through the air. Rright before he crashed to the ground he muttered.

"Oh shitake…"

Standing back up after a few seconds of recuperation, Yuan felt the damage to his health. Although nothing was bleeding, and he could still fight as good as always, there was no mistaking the blinking light in his eyes.

"This one will finish you off for sure!" scream Liang as he charged at him.

There was no time to lose. Yuan grabbed his sword and quickly ran for the Yellow Turban soldiers. Slicing his way through the crowd he felt the energy building up inside him.

"Just a little more. Almost there."He continued to K.O. every soldier that crossed his path, at last he felt himself reaching the brink. "Almost. Almost. Oh man. Oh man. Almost. Oh yeah. Oh yea! FUDGE YEA!"

The musou erupted out of him, breaking through, and spilling all around him. For a moment his vision was blurred and his body moved of its own accord. He felt his blade making contact numerous times but he had almost no control over it. The feeling was exactly as he remembered it–extraordinary. It was a while since he last used it and the feel of such a release was almost overwhelming.

When his vision finally cleared and his blade stopped slashing he saw Zhang Liang lying face down on the ground. Within a few moments he vanished and Xiahou Yuan felt himself filled with a new urge. An inescapable desire to say,

"I have defeated an officer!" he ejaculated. His loud booming voice was seemingly carried by the wind to Cao Cao's camp, where the Hero of Chaos observed the battle with stolid scrutiny.

"Your skills are without equal!" muttered Cao Cao.

"Thanks!" shouted Yuan.

'How the hell did he hear me…' wondered Cao Cao, knowing that his momentary outburst was probably greatly exaggerated.

"My lord, we have taken the enemy supply camp." announced a Captain.

"Huh, what? You can talk?" Cao Cao scratched his head. The Captain did not respond and remained motionless.

"Ugh, ever mind…" he returned his gaze to the battle.

"I have defeated an officer!" announced Xiahou Dun, the sunlight twinkling in his left eye.

'One of these days he's gonna lose that twinkle...' thought Cao Cao wryly. Suddenly a commotion behind him caught his attention.

"I have come for your head!" screamed Zhang Man Cheng.

"You and what army?" asked Cao Cao.

"Only the pathetically sluggish Yellow Turbans, armed with pitchforks and large mallets!"

"Of course…"

Five minutes later Cao Cao stood unfazed near the seemingly dead body of Zhang Man Cheng.

"My ambition cannot be stopped!" he announced to no one in particular. As the corpse of the enemy general magically disappeared a disembodied voice shouted.

"I shall return. Remember that, for yours is that first head that I shall seek!"

"Blah blah blah." Cao Cao waved his hand imperiously, "Be my guest. I'll kill you all over again. And again…unless I somehow manage to capture you. In which event I'll still probably kill you. You hear that Zhiang Jiao?"

"Bite me!" came the reply.

"My Lord, the enemy general has summoned a powerful wind." said the Captain all of a sudden.

"Not you again…"

"There seems to be a pass on the other side of the mountain."

"Why are you telling me all this? And how the hell do you even…" The captain was motionless once more. Cao Cao scratched his head, damn soldiers and their uselessness.

"I must retreat, for now!" announced Xiahou Yuan and promptly disappeared.

"What? Get your ass back here or so help me–" Cao Cao was interrupted as Xiahou Dun announced in the same tone.

"Forgive me, I must retreat, for now!"

"Damn worthless sons of…I can't even depend on the officers nowadays. Not to mention you soldiers." He glared at the captain who remained motionless like a statue. "I swear if I could kill you…"

He walked over to his horse. After several failed jumps he at last managed to mount it and rode off towards the mountain. As he galloped towards the enemy main camp he trampled, slashed, and otherwise destroyed any and every enemy soldier that crossed his path. By the time he outmaneuvered the winds, dodged the boulders, slew two more meaningless Yellow Turban officers, and captured another base, his kill count was in the hundreds. It was so high, in fact, that he had lost track until…

"You are a true hero of the Three Kingdoms!" announced Xiahou Dun. His tone of praise meant that Cao Cao had killed 500 men.

'But what the devil are the Three Kingdoms?' he wondered. 'Bah, atleast I showed those fools. If you want something done, do it yourself!"

"Oh! Your bravery is an inspiration!" lauded Xiahou Yuan.

"Damn that's messed up…" said a Coalition soldier, leaning lethargically on his spear.

"What do you mean?" asked Xiahou Yuan from purgatory.

"I mean, the guy just killed 500 people and you're praising him? The man's a mass murderer. Think of all the children who just lost their fathers. Or all the wives that just lost their husbands. Death is nothing to celebrate."

'Pfft, pansy.' Thought Xiahou Yuan.

Cao Cao at last reached the main camp. Dismounting his horse he made his way up a mysterious altar where Zhang Jiao, the leader of the Yellow Turbans stood in prayer.

"Get down from there you hippie!" shouted Cao Cao. "Go smoke your bong somewhere else. I hereby claim this land in the name of the Han Dynasty…and secretly Cao Wei–whatever that may someday be."

Zhang Jiao got up from the hazy altar, coughed profusely. His glazed eyes looked at Cao Cao then to his men who sluggishly surrounded the Hero of Chaos from all sides but failed to press their advantage. Staggering to the edge he began his carefully prepared rant.

"Will the land never know the magnificence of the Yellow Turbans? Heavens grant me strength! The gods require a sacrifice! I propose we offer them the enemy…This is a test of our dedication! Brothers, we must maintain a steady defense. The time is not yet right! We must wait for the others. Do not be hasty! Follow my teachings and stay within our flock! Oh! Such valor can only be the will of the gods! May they grant me the same strength! Your deeds cannot be forgiven! Face heaven's will! Your death shall further the cause of the Yellow Turbans!"

"Da fuck did you just say?" Cao Cao scratched his head.

"I dunno man. I just don't know." said Zhang Jiao, before sitting on the steps of the altar.

"Well allow me to clear your mind." Cao Cao released the musou he had kept within him since the beginning of the battle. Letting the torrents burst from his body and flood the enemies before him. Covering them and drowning them in his righteous sticky fury. When at last the rampage stopped Zhang Jiao lay a crumpled mess at the altar.

"The Yellow Turbans have fallen..." he muttered, before dying and disappearing.

The remaining rebels fled into the massive exits. Cao Cao chased after them but could not get past the large wooden gate posts. Munching down on a steamed pork bun that had magically appeared after Jiao's death, Cao Cao relished his first great victory. Suddenly he felt his body teleported to the center of the battleground where he began to perform a triumphant break-dance with his sword. Ah, victory was sweet indeed…

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