The Clutches of Space: Part 1

Lister ran, well, walked a bit quicker than normal, towards the cockpit of Starbug. Kryten had sounded the red alert, so he thought he might as well get up and see what it was, even though he was really enjoying laying there doing smeg all. That was his favourite passtime, doing smeg all, so he was usually pretty annoyed when his usual "smeg all time" was interrupted. Although to be honest, he was getting pretty bored. They hadn't had a zany adventure in a while. Frankly, a couple of months going by without someone nearly dying was pretty rare, and he was beginning to miss near-death experiences. Maybe this would be another opportunity to get shot at by a crazed android, or probed by some unspeakable blob. Been a while since he had a good probing. Not that he was into that sort of thing.

"Lister, where have you been? Oh let me guess, sitting around doing smeg all again? It's a red alert! Didn't you see the lights? Hear the siren?" said Rimmer, looking typically self-important.

"Of course I heard it, I'm here aren't I?" Lister replied.

"Well why did it take you half a smegging hour to get here? We could all be dead by now. Then what would you do?" said Rimmer.

"Basically Rimmer, I couldn't be arsed. See, me, I'm a lazy smegger, right? You know that, I know that. So don't bring it up every single time I'm a teensie weensie little bit slow reacting to a red alert, blue alert, yellow alert, it doesn't matter. Whatever the colour of alert, you're not likely to see me come running. Not anymore. It's never anything interesting these days anyway. Just another asteroid, or a derelict ship aimlessly drifting just like us".

"Since when did you ever run? Your leg muscles are so wasted away they're like two pieces of spaghetti flapping around. Real fat spaghetti" said Kat, not wanting to miss a chance to fire out an insult.

"He's right sir, your physical condition really is less than satisfactory. I…" Kryten started, but Lister interrupted.

"Did you all just sound the red alert so you could all sit around and insult me?" he said, "Was it really that urgent?".

"If I had my way Lister, we would have a daily roundtable in which we all just sat around of an evening and thought up new ways of describing your various disgusting features. But on this occasion, the scanners have come up with something really, really interesting. I mean really. I'm not joking this time" said Rimmer.

"Oh really? Surprise me" said Lister.

"We're not exactly sure yet", he replied. "Kryten?"

"Sir, the scanners are picking up some sort of, space-time anomaly. It's like nothing I've ever seen before. The signature is only comparable to some kind of worm hole, but that can't even begin to explain it" explained Kryten.

"And?" said Lister.

"Well, that's all we know" said Kryten.

"I'm going back to bed" said Lister.

"Mr. Lister, we all need to have our senses on high alert. When this kind of anomaly appears, we don't know what it's effects might involve, or when they might appear. It could have catastrophic consequences! It needs us all to be… Mr. Kat sir, are you sleeping?" said Kryten.

Kat awoke with a start.

"Not the cagoule!" he shouted. "Oh man, what a terrible drea… I mean, thing I was thinking about. With my eyes closed. Look, I was awake, okay? Someone has to keep an eye on the scanners. I won't miss a thing, you can count on me".

"Um, guys?" said Lister, who had already left the cockpit in frustration. "Did we always have a blue Police box in the cargo bay?".

The Doctor looked at the TARDIS console, furrowing his brow.

"So, where are we this time Doctor?" said Sarah. She couldn't wait to get outside and see where the amazing blue box had taken them. She always relished new adventures with him, even if a lot of the time they did involve a lot more danger than she was generally used to. She was getting used to it now though. Enjoying it, even. Though she would never let on.

"I'm not entirely sure Sarah. Certainly not where I wanted us to be" the Doctor said, glancing up from the console, brow still firmly furrowed.

"Oh?"

"Of course, that isn't necessarily a bad thing", he said, giving a mischievous smile. "I discovered some of my favourite places entirely by accident. The crystal planet of Vysalia, the plasmic waterfalls of the Endis nebula, the fourth moon of Geeth. Though that last one was particularly deadly…".

"So you're saying we could be in danger?" said Sarah, tentatively.

"I sincerely hope so", he replied, flashing his grin once more, his eyes glistening with excitement.

"So do I", replied Sarah, smirking. "Though, not too much".

"Naturally. Unfortunately we won't know until we get out there, the TARDIS is being extremely stubborn. There appears to be something outside blocking our scanners. Could only be of artificial construction. Electronic interference, you see".

"Right", said Sarah. "Is that a bad sign?"

"Let's go and find out!" said the Doctor. Placing his hat on his head and tossing his scarf over his shoulder, he strode towards the door with his characteristic lack of hesitation, Sarah not far behind.

Opening the door, he was greeted by four humanoid figures, each holding what appeared to be a large gun of some kind. One was scruffy, one was very sharply dressed, one had a very unfortunate shaped head and for some reason he couldn't quite put his finger on, he took an instant dislike to the one with the H on his head. Oh, how he hated guns, especially big ones. Big ones that were pointing at him.

"Who the smeg are you?" said the most human-looking one of the group.

"Smeg? Not a colloquialism I'm familiar with. Are you a human by any chance?"

"What's it to you, bug eyes?" said the sharply-dressed one with fangs.

"Bug eyes? Who are you calling bug eyes? My eyes are positively lovely. And you can stop smirking too Sarah".

"Sorry Doctor, it's just… never mind". She thought better than to insult him, especially in a situation like this.

"Yeah, I'm human" said the human. "What's it to you?"

"Well, Sarah here is as well. So you have something in common" the Doctor said, giving a reassuring smile.

"A human? Really? Get out of town" said the human, lowering his gun instinctively. "I don't believe it. Seriously? After all these years?" his gun dropped to the floor.

"Don't drop your guard Lister, they could be luring us into a false sense of security. There's no way they could be human. One wrong move weirdo and I'll blast you into pieces so small you'll have ashes of your ashes" said the one with the H on his head.

"It's true, I'm human. Is it so hard to believe? I'll try not to take it personally" she smiled warmly. "I'm Sarah, what's your name?" asked Sarah, stretching out her hand.

"Yeah, I heard him call you that" said the human. "Well, nice to meet you Sarah. I'm Dave. Dave Lister, everyone calls me Lister though. You can call me Dave if you like, it's up to you. Dave or Lister, Lister or Dave. Those are your basic choices. Look, I'm sorry, it's… been a while since I've met a woman. Well an Earth one anyway".

"It's fine", smiled Sarah.

"Keep back Lister! If they turn you into a zombie I'll blow you away as well!" said the annoying H-headed one.

"Shut up Rimmer, they're alright. We've seen enough space scum to know it when we see it. Well I have anyway". He reached out and shook Sarah's hand. She sniffed it after he let go, screwing up her nose in the process.

"Great, now you're contaminated! Stand back Kryten while I blast him into space dust" said Rimmer, pulling up his bazookoid.

"It's fine, "Rimmer", I can assure you Sarah here is perfectly clean, which is more than I can say for your friend Lister here. Is your water recycling system not functioning? Perhaps I can help" said the Doctor.

"No, er… we've just been to a swamp planet" Lister lied. The others cleared their throats. "Anyway, I didn't catch your name, Mr… ?"

"I'm the Doctor" said the Doctor.

"Well, Doctor, I'm delighted to welcome you aboard Starbug. It may be small and humble, but we will accomodate you as best we can" said the robot. "I am Kryten, a Series 4000 mechanoid. You sir aren't human".

"How very astute of you Kryten. You're quite right, I'm not. May I enquire how you came to that conclusion?" said the Doctor.

"When you referred to your companion Sarah, you said she was human. You didn't say you were. A fairly simple deduction".

"Indeed. I'm impressed Kryten. I like a keen mind almost as much as I hate guns. Now we're all friends could Rimmer and… ?" he looked at Kat.

"Kat", said Kat. "Sure, I'll lower my gun. When you tell me what the hell you're doing here, and how the hell you got on the ship!".

"All in good time, Mr. Kat. And you, Mr. Rimmer?"

"No way matey. I'm with Kat on this one, how did you get on here? I don't trust anyone who just appears out of nowhere. Well I don't trust anyone, but especially people who appear out of nowhere" he said, as angrily as possible, following that up with a nostril-flaring smile and nod directed at Sarah. She smiled weakly back.

"Look, I'm not sure what we have to do to…" the Doctor started, but he was interrupted by the ship jolting so violently they were all forced against one wall of the ship.

The Doctor was left with Lister lying on top of him, looking into his eyes as the ship's sirens wailed and the hull rumbled.

"Looks like things are finally getting interesting!" said the Doctor, smiling at a confused looking Lister.