I´M F-ING BACK!

Ahh those weeks were…not that bad lol but my mind got all loaded up with 3 different stories, well thanks to BaronOfDenmark I´ll start with this one well because I haven't done a Kames inside the BTR universe xD so here it is and I hope you like it, if not don't worry I can handle it xD

CHAPTER 1

James PoV

"Kendall! Head down!" I screamed and he didn't lose time doing what I said two seconds before the pock passed right in the spot where his head used to be smashing something on the back. The four of us made pained expressions seeing a fancy looking vase crashed on the floor "Run!" Gustavo was not going to be happy to pay for more of our messes. We huddled inside the elevator hearing Bitters´ screams, the thing was small and wearing our whole hockey gear didn't help, at the moment I was with my back against the wall and Kendall right in front of me, at our side Carlos and Logan started to fight for God knows what ending up in pushing Kendall right at me, I reacted fast putting my hands in front of me catching him before he fell, I had to close my eyes trying to compose myself, with no room to move I started getting slightly intoxicated cause of his closeness, his body right in front of mine, the sweet smell of his hair…damn I was starting to get hard and seeing how he got rid of his helmet revealing his sweaty hair did not help at all, I swallowed pushing my body further into the wall feeling my heart race…each passing day being near him became harder and harder, I feared of the day when it all became too much to handle. Thankfully the short trip got to an end and we ran out the confined space of the palm woods elevator.

"That was AWESOME!" screamed Carlos as we got inside 2J getting rid of our hockey gear "And the shortys won!" he said taking Logan´s hand and rising it to the air.

"Oh yeah!" said Logan and they started making a sad attempt of Kendall´s happy dance, it was unusual that they could win at a match when it was shortys vs taller ones.

"Hey what´s up with you?" asked Kendall putting his hand on my shoulder "You were NOT into that game at all"

"I´m fine" I grinned before a furrowed my nose "I´m sweating like a pig and that´s not attractive so I´m going for a shower" I walked to the room I shared with Kendall and closed the door behind me. I sighed passing a hand through my face prior slowly taking away the rest of my hockey equipment, getting some clean clothes and getting inside the bathroom, I walked into the shower closing my eyes.

Kendall Knight. My best friend and also the guy that was ever present in my mind and heart. I did not remember a time when all I felt for my best friend were feelings of friendship and companionship, every time he got close to me my heart began to take leaps of joy even if it was clear that he would never see me as something more than his best friend, than his beta male in the group. For him I was just James Diamond, Big time rush´s pretty boy, Casanova extraordinaire obsessed with his looks and hair…not that I was not all those things for everybody outside me and my parents…yeah a big faker I was, just to protect my secret for the people I cared the most…my secret oh that sounded so dramatic and cool, well it was not. The big secret was simple: I was gay and head over heels in love with my best friend…oh yeah BOM! POW! Nah not such a big secret…except that I knew this sense I was eleven and my parents sense I was thirteen and I was NOT going to tell Kendall or the guys about it, not even that I was gay because well it would be awkward…every single thing we did revolved around girls and having a group member that didn't give a shit about them would make things weird for the others.

"Damn" I whispered hating where my trail of thoughts had led me, now I was thinking about Jo, because well all that dude time was thanks to that bitch, she had gone away –Thank GOD!- leaving Kendall behind, at first I was happy, we could have more time to hang like before he was taken, but when I saw him mopping on the couch I had to make myself understand that even if I was his best friend I would always come in second place, that he would never suffer like that if I went away…damn I had even done that once and he just decided that I was replaceable and started searching for the new member of BTR…that single thought was enough to depressed me. I turned off the shower and wrapped myself in a towel leaning on the sink looking at my reflection on the mirror.

"James we´re going to the pool, are you coming?" asked Kendall from the other side of the door.

"I´m tired, maybe later" I answered closing my eyes hoping that he would go away and I could have some time alone to get myself together…fuck why was so hard to be happy and cheery again? I put my clothes on and walked outside stopping when I saw Kendall sitting on his bed looking at me "What are you doing here?" I frowned.

"Are you aware that this is my room too?" he smiled standing up. That damn cute dimpled smile of his.

"Yeah but you said you were going to the pool"

"James, what´s gotten into you? You were distracted during dance practice, you were lost in hockey and don't tell me that you´re fine because fine it´s not an answer" he pointed at me with his index finger and I avoided his gaze.

"Yeah it is" I walked to let my dirty clothes in the laundry basket just to have something to do.

"No, fine is an ambiguous word, it doesn't say a thing" he said in a matter-of-fact way.

"Ambiguous…big word, the loganator has been rubbing on you" I skipped the question almost praying that he would leave me alone, once Kendall got his mind on something it was almost impossible to make him change his mind or give up.

"James stop trying to dodge the question and answer it now, I know you and I can see something´s up with you" yeah if he knew me that well he would see how much I did not want to me close to him at that moment, or how much in pain I had been the last months seeing him all happy with his girlfriend…even if he finally noticing I was not alright made me a little happy because as everybody knew, I kind of loved the attention.

"Just leave me Kendall" I decided that as a friend, I should tell him the truth "I just want to be alone, so go to the pool and enjoy the sun perhaps I´ll join later I don't know" I looked at him in the eye "Go" he grimaced not happy of not being able to help me but things have always been like this, I was not like Logan or Carlos that followed his every plan blindly, I was the one that was selfish enough to fight him when I wanted something and now I wanted to be the fuck alone.

"James…"

"Close the door when you´re out" I bumped myself on my bed, put on my headphones and my iPod so loud I could I could not hear the words that got out of his mouth, I saw him rise his hands in defeat and walked away. I closed my eyes letting myself drown in the music.

Can hold my breath only for a little while 'til reality starts sinking in
once again I'm settling for second best turn the pages skip to the end
to where I swore that I would try since the last time

I crossed that line in the back of my mind I know.

Settling for second best. That was exactly what I had been doing my entire life. I mean yeah I had dates but they were girls, just for cover and spend the day, never looking for something real. My dad told me every day that it was time to try get over Kendall, to go and look for other guys and search for my happiness but I ignored him…now that it was so hard to keep my cool being near him 24/7 I started to think that maybe he was right, but how was I supposed to do that if Kendall insisted on spending a lot of time the four of us together saying that he had missed us? Well sorry dude but it was your own fault for spending so much time with that bitch Jo –have I mentioned how much I hated her guts?-

It only hurts when your eyes are open lies get tossed and truth is spoken

it only hurts when that door
gets open dreams are lost and hearts are broken.

I opened my eyes when someone snatched the headphones from me hurting my ears, I glared at the small form of Kendall´s baby sister.

"What´s your problem?" I groaned sitting.

"That´s my line, Kendall got out completely furious from here mumbling how you´re such a drama queen and I come in and see you mopping in Jamie land" I passed a hand through my face, why was so hard to have some alone time in this house?

"Not your problem Katie, leave me alone and give me back my music" she frowned before putting one of the headphones on.

"Rock? Sense when?" she gave me a weird look.

"Katie, have you seen my father?" she made a small oh with her mouth, yeah Jimmy Diamond was a big rock fan and over the years I have learned how to love the genre "Now give it back and get out"

"What´s wrong with you James? You snap at everybody, you hardly spend the day with us…"

"Because I go on dates, because like now nobody leaves me alone so yeah I snap, now Katie please give me my iPod back and get the hell out of here" she stubbornly held the device behind her back, I groaned got up, put on my shoes and got out of the room, I just needed to get out of all that drama.

"Hey James…" said Ms. Knight and being the polite guy I was I continued walking like she hadn't spoken at all. I got out of the apartment and practically ran down the stairs before crossing the lobby and not stopping until I was far away from the Palm Woods. I grabbed my phone and dialed my dad´s number.

"What´s wrong?" this made me smile, even if my parents were divorced they had never left me unnoticed.

"Why do you think something´s wrong?"

"Because every time you call me using your phone means that you´re far from the Palm Woods probably running away from something" I chuckled, my dad knew me pretty well.

"I just could not stay there any longer" I saw a near bus station, maybe a trip to the beach wouldn't hurt "It´s harder than I thought" I got in the next bus.

"I already told you, you are a Diamond, and that means we have strong emotions, if you don't take care of that entire emotional tornado inside of you, you´ll have to deal with the consequences" I shuddered at the thought, only once in my life I had been really depressed and I was not going back to that hell hole.

"But what can I do?"

"I have told you a thousand times, get the fuck away from there" this was the same thing he had done in his marriage, he had ran away from my mother because if he didn't they it would get ugly; I knew they still loved each other but sometimes being next to the loved one was not the best option.

"How could I? I´m not asking mom for money, I know you can´t lend me some…"

"Grow up and get a job James" I grimaced; I didn't like working, that was common knowledge.

"I don't like jobs, already tried it and it didn't work" I looked through the window seeing the sea making its appearance.

"You can be a fine waiter, it´s not too hard to find that kind of job and the tips are great…besides you have to suck it up son, life´s not always a trail of roses" leave it to my dad to give me a kick in the ass over the phone.

"I guess I could find one" I sighed getting out of the bus, I took a deep breath loving the salted smell in the air "Dad, I got to go"

"Take care son, love you"

"You too" I hung up and started walking through the shore letting the peace of the place calm me down, my dad was right I could not let this get the better of myself, I loved my friends and I knew that acting like a jerk every day would do nothing to keep our friendship in good terms. I sighed feeling like it was the hundred time of the day I did that. I was going for the same road that last time almost got my life ended. I caressed the scar on my throat, the guys thought it was just a simple scar that I got in a hunting trip with my dad, I bet they would be surprised if any of them knew the real reason of it…Kendall knew…half of it at least.

"Hey you!" I turned my head when some guy screamed and seeing that I was the only one around I assumed he was talking to me "How old are you? Do you have a job? Are you up for an adventure?" I blinked a couple of times stunned by his behavior.

"Seventeen, no and it depends" I answered giving him a raised eyebrow.

"I could give you a hundred bucks in two hours if you help me" he smiled a nice bright smile, I decided to give him a second glance, he was nice looking, jet black hair, tanned skin, grey eyes…hot guy.

"I don't do illegal" he laughed, a simple sweet laugh, not the obnoxiously laud laugh I loved…it sounded good enough.

"No, it´s just that I need some help unpacking some stuff for my uncle´s business and you seem like a strong dude, care to help us unload the truck?" he pointed a nice cabin not far from there, and on the side a big moving trailer.

"Sure I need the money" I shrugged and we walked to the cabin.

"I´m Luca by the way"

"James" we smiled before he showed me the way inside the cabin, it looked like a restaurant on the making.

"This is the soon to be Lombardy´s Sports Bar" he explained "Now hiring" he winked at me, this was too good to be truth…maybe someone above wanted me to forget about Kendall and this Luca guy was a nice way to try.

The rest of the afternoon we worked arm to arm unloading the trailer, I was tired but chatting with him was nice for a change, no deep emotions to control, no personal drama, just simple and easy talk.

"Hey James…" he said when we were taking a break, he looked nervous "I don't want to take things further without knowing but you kind of confuse me" oh, oh.

"How?" I drank some water somehow knowing what he was going to ask, I had let my guard down being completely comfortable around him, I had even checked him out a couple of time, something I had never let myself done when I was with the guys…maybe he was straight and got a little freaked about my actions.

"Are you gay?" I spit my water all over his face, thank you very much "Ok if you´re not don't worry I can live with it" he laughed getting his cheeks slightly pink as he wiping the water from his eyes.

"Were you hoping that I was?" I asked tentatively cleaning my chin with my hand, he bit his lip and nodded making me smile "Because I am, you just got me with my guard down" if felt so good to tell someone like it was not a big deal.

"Wow that is so cool!" he cheered and I looked at him like he was crazy.

"But I´m not currently dating…just so you know" my words didn't make him change his demeanor, that was weird.

"Oh don't worry neither am I, just that it´s nice to know someone else like me…I just moved here and I was beginning to think that I was doomed to stay with girls or awkward guys all the time" oh I knew the feeling all too well.

"How did you know?"

"Besides the fact that I saw you checking me out?" I smiled not a little ashamed of my behavior, he rolled his eyes probably getting that I was flirt "I guess my gaydar is at maximum, I just kind of felt it, besides no one can use such tight jeans and not be one of us" One of us, that sounded so damn good.

"I´m glad that´s the case, now I really have to go but be sure to call me when your uncle sees my application, I know I don't have much experience but I need the money"

"Don't worry I´ll let you know" I waved at him and walked outside noticing that it was dark, maybe Mama Knight would be a little upset when I got home.

"WHERE WERE YOU JAMES DIAMOND?" ok upset was an understatement. She came right to me the minute I walked inside 2J.

"The shore, I just…"

"Are you crazy? James why did you run off like that?" this time it was Kendall, I did not want to talk to him, I was good enough away from him, I didn't need to remember how much I craved for him and how…was that a hickey on his neck?

"Shut up Kendall, and I´m sorry Ms. Knight…" she was about to speak again when Logan spoke from the table.

"Why are you so dirty and sweaty?"

"I was working, now I´m tired and I need a shower" I tried not to look at their stunned faces when I said I was working as I got inside my room of course followed by Kendall.

"Working on what?" he had a big disbelief expression on his face.

"Get rid of that face Kendork, I can work and I was helping a friend unload a trailer" I began undressing myself "And thanks for sending Katie to do your dirty work, when I say I don't fucking want to talk about something is because I don't"

"Yeah I get that, but I don't like it when wherever the hell has you like this is making every little spot you step on a fucking battle field" he grabbed me by my shoulder, his touch sending millions of electric shots through my body, his hand burned my skin and all I wanted to do was turn and crush my lips into his, but I knew that was not possible so I just shoved his hand away going for my ringing phone, I got a text from my dad.

Your mom has a room at her LA quarters, she says you can live there, it has everything you need, text me the answer so we can talk to the doorman to give you the keys.

I closed my eyes, it all was becoming real too fast, was I really ready to live by myself? To try to get over Kendall? I had no idea because it only hurt when I was near him, when he was piercing me with those amazing emerald eyes…I was fucking scared, I was running away and I had no idea what that could do to our friendship but if I stayed I was sure things would get worst and I didn't like those moments, it reminded me too much when my parents lost control near one another.

"Are you just going to ignore me? We are best friends we know everything about each other, tell me James don't close yourself to me, our friendship has suffered enough this passed years" I looked at the floor not turning to face him, he was right. Even if I had stayed by his side not following my father´s advice I had put on a gap between us. Before all my emotional drama happened we used to be inseparable, we would call each other at night when one of us couldn't sleep, we would go into double dates ignoring the girls most of the time, we would make harry potter marathons any other weekend just the two of us…at that time it was a lot easier to be near him because I was his best bud, the number one on his calling list, the guy he could go when he needed help…and for me, well he has always been the first one in my mind. But now it was hard knowing that I was not a priority, that I was replaceable and that he was standing right behind me just to make some peace inside the house…I couldn't take it anymore, I was too selfish to stay there and be his best bud again before he found a new cute –hateable- girl and fall for her, I was James Diamond I should not let anybody do that to me…not again.

"I´m moving" I said turning, he frowned in bewilderment "I´ll be gone tomorrow"

"What?" he shook his head "Is your mom again? W-we could make a plan to convince her…"

"It´s not my mom, I want out" he looked taken back as I made my way pass him and started putting on my PJ´s.

"Why?" his voice sounded serious and almost like a whisper, I knew only seldom people in the world had hear him speak like that, I was one of those few –and probably Jo too…the bitch- and that tone he only used it when he did not understand something that brought pain into his heart…well sorry you could lose your best bud I was not mopping in Jamie land anymore.

"Because I need to"

"James, what is it? Please talk to me, if there´s something wrong in this house that you need to escape from tell me I-I can fix it" ah there he was in hero mode again; I was pissed I did not want this image of him as I made my way out, I could deal with him being mad because I was so close to him but not this sad attempt to help his best bud…God I hated those two words!

"You can´t"

"Why not? You know me, I can do it, what is it?"

"I´m not going to tell you Kendall" I put on my shirt and he grasped my arm turning me to face him and this time I could not look away from his bottle green eyes, they were hypnotizing and I was sure they could see inside my soul…what would he think if he knew that I had fucked him in countless dreams? That I had imagined his mouth around my cock as I touched myself more than once?

"Now" his pleading eyes took away my barriers, like every time we talked…if you wanted a reason why we had become best friends it was because of this, he could make me talk when nobody else could.

"It´s you" I didn't think a second before I tugged his shirt and smashed my lips on his muffling his whines, I kissed him forcefully until he gathered the strength to push me away and right next to that his fist came crashing in my jaw, I stumbled back feeling tears trying to break free, I swallowed keeping myself together before I raised my eyes just to see him, he had a stunned expression and wide eyes, he took a step back looking at me like I was an alien…should´ve known it was going to be like this "I can´t live with you anymore Kendall" I spoke before I walked outside knowing that I had enough money to call a cab and go to my mother´s apartment, that was it, the only thing I needed to get rid of the hopes I could still have in my heart, now I was determined to forget about him and I prayed to God for his help because in the next day we had a full day at Rouque Records and it was going to be beyond painful to see him again.

"Man up James, you knew this would have to happen sooner or later" I said to myself as I got out the Palm Woods, nobody had followed me, nobody had even asked me where I was going…so much for caring friends.

Sooo how was this? I have no idea where this came from lol but I don't think it sucks, review please? I´ll give you a cookie if you do =D

Take care!