Disclaimer: They all belong to Dick Wolf.

This takes place after Hostage (Conviction episode), when Alex is back from WPP. That's the episode where the ADAs get taken hostage in the courtroom. Before Witness Protection, Alex and Olivia were dating. This starts out Alex/Robert but ends up A/O.

Alex lay in bed with Robert that night, staring up at the ceiling and wishing she could call Olivia. She wanted to. She knew she should – Olivia had called her earlier, for the seventh time since she'd returned from Witness Protection. Alex had been home, but she hadn't answered the phone, instead letting the voicemail pick it up. "Hey, Alex," Olivia had said, clearing her throat. "Um, I just wanted to see how you're doing. I heard what happened at the courthouse and I'm glad everyone's fine. Well, everyone except Congressman Knowles, and that's – well, anyway, I just wanted to make sure you're okay. If you need to talk, I'm still here. So, um, I guess you're busy, so just call me when you get a chance, if you want to talk. Otherwise, I guess I won't bother you again." Alex could hear her sigh over the phone. "I'm glad Robert's there for you."

As Alex heard the tinny, automated voice saying, "End of messages," she felt her stomach clench almost painfully. Because no, Robert wasn't there for her, and she realized then what a bad decision she'd made, out of shame. She'd given up Olivia, who would surely be holding her tonight and comforting her and gently rubbing her back, for Robert. She didn't love him. She loved Olivia, but she knew she didn't deserve Olivia after all she'd done, and she needed someone on her arm.

Robert was a good man, just a bit selfish. And shallow. And materialistic. And arrogant. He cared about her; she was sure of that. But he didn't love her.

When she'd gotten home after the longest day she'd had ever since Mike Randolph had been gunned down, Robert hadn't hugged her as she longed to be hugged, held her as she longed to be held, kissed her as she longed to be kissed. With him, she was afraid to let her guard down, afraid to show her vulnerability, to cry or to ask for the comfort she so desperately needed. Olivia had always been able to read her so well that she didn't have to ask, but she couldn't ask Robert for any of those things. She didn't want him to think she was weak. With Olivia, she could just be herself, but with Robert, she needed to keep her guard up. She needed to be stronger.

So Robert had met her at the door and asked her if she wanted to go out for a nice, romantic dinner. She wondered how clueless he could possibly be – couldn't he see that she wanted to curl up in bed and sleep for a million years, trying to forget the absolute terror she'd felt when she feared that four of her colleagues were going to be killed? Couldn't he see that what she needed right now was to be soothed, rather than going out to some swanky restaurant and being forced to erect her impenetrable façade again, so people would look at them, the power couple, and marvel at how quickly Alexandra Cabot was able to bounce back from this? "The Ice Princess," they'd murmur in almost reverent tones, "she's so strong." And Alex was.

At least, she pretended to be.

With Olivia, she'd never needed to pretend anything. She could just be herself.

But she'd agreed, gone out with Robert and plastered a smile on her face for nearly three hours, choked down her veal scaloppini. When she got home and he wanted to have sex, she didn't say no, although she really didn't want to. She hated having sex with him, because each time it reminded her of what she had lost. When she made love with Olivia, Olivia treated her gently, delicately, tenderly. She had wanted to give Alex as much pleasure as she possibly could, and every time she made Alex feel so special, like she was the only person who mattered in Olivia's world, and the only person who ever would. And she'd given all that up – for this.

She lay still on the bed as Robert thrust into her, and mechanically moved along with him, forcing small noises of pleasure past her lips, for Robert's benefit.

When he finished, he flopped down on the bed beside her, never realizing how much she needed physical closeness after such an intimate act. She was a cuddler, although she'd never admitted it to anyone except Olivia before. Olivia had just known, instinctively. Olivia had always held her after they made love. She remembered how it felt to be wrapped up in Olivia's warm arms, knowing she was safe and loved, and entertaining the notion that she always would be.

Robert, on the other hand, wasn't the touchy-feely type. Alex never had been either – she'd never enjoyed cuddling until she met Olivia and realized how good it could feel, but now she needed it. After they had sex, Robert would just move to his side of the bed and fall asleep, snoring lightly as Alex moved to hers, curled up in a ball, and tried to sleep.

Tonight, she looked up at the ceiling, wishing she was with Olivia, cradled in Olivia's warm embrace, with the detective hugging her, kissing her, loving her, telling her that she'd done the best she could today, that she'd stayed calm and gotten everyone out of the situation, and that her ADAs were safe and that was all that mattered, and not to blame herself for Congressman Knowles' death because there truly wasn't any way she could have known, anything else she could have done. Olivia would rub her back, stroke her hair, and let Alex cry if she needed to.

Right now, she really needed to cry.

"Olivia," she whispered, wrapping her arms around herself and pretending that it was Olivia holding her. She glanced at Robert, sleeping soundly beside her, and suddenly she couldn't take it anymore. She couldn't stay here, with him. She needed to be with the woman she loved.

She scribbled Robert a note, just in case he woke up and found her gone, just saying she went for a walk to think some things through.

She pulled on a sweatshirt and walked out into the night, and before she knew it, her feet had carried her to Olivia's apartment.

Alex stood outside for a moment, wondering if she really wanted to do this. It was after midnight . . . Olivia could be sleeping . . . Alex didn't want to wake her . . . didn't want to disturb her . . . she could be at the precinct . . . someone else could be home with her . . . another woman . . . she could have found someone else.

These were all just excuses, of course, and Alex went inside anyway.

Her heart was pounding as she walked the six flights of stairs up to Olivia's apartment. She hadn't been here in years – even when they were dating, Olivia usually came over to her place. It was larger, nicer, and had an elevator. Olivia was rarely at her apartment, so she never had more than beer in her fridge, and the place was usually a mess. And although she wasn't necessarily against exercise, and went for a jog every morning through Central Park, Alex still didn't appreciate the six floor walk up.

She hesitated for just a moment before knocking on Olivia's door. Part of her hoped that Olivia's wouldn't be home, wouldn't answer, so she could just go back home, shrug it off, say she'd tried and Olivia didn't want her anymore and that would be the end of it. She could stop hoping for a better life, for something more than just settling for an existence with a man she didn't love.

But she was out of luck. A moment later, the door swung open, and Olivia stood in the doorway, holding her gun.

Alex stepped back instinctively when she saw the weapon. "Whoa there, Detective." She raised her hands in surrender. "It's just me."

Olivia dropped the gun, her eyes widening in surprise as she looked at Alex, then narrowing in suspicion. "Yes?" she said coldly, and Alex winced, but she knew she deserved that.

She sighed. "How about we start with hello?" Honestly, she couldn't expect Olivia to take her back right away as if nothing had happened. She deserved Olivia's anger, her aloofness.

"Hi, Alex," Olivia said quietly, then folded her arms across her chest. "Why are you here?"

Alex bit her lip. "May I come in?"

Olivia stepped aside, and Alex sat down on her couch. Olivia sat down on the other side of the couch and watched her carefully.

Alex took a deep breath. "You said you were here if I wanted to talk."

"I did," Olivia said cautiously.

"You said that seven times."

"That's right. I did."

"And I didn't return your calls."

Alex could hear the pain in Olivia's voice as she said, "That's right. You didn't."

"And I'm sorry."

Olivia sighed. "That's not going to cut it, Alex."

"Then why did you call me today?"

"Because I was worried about you. I thought you might need me."

Alex met Olivia's eyes and admitted the one thing she'd never said out loud before, only through her actions. "I do."

She felt Olivia soften at that. "Then why didn't you ever call me back, Alex? I missed you. I wanted to talk to you. I wouldn't have made you come back to me – I just wanted to hear your voice."

Alex looked away. "I wanted to come back to you."

"Then why didn't you?"

"I was – I was –" I was afraid, she wanted to say, but she couldn't admit it. Not even to Olivia. "I just – I'd pick up the phone – and then I'd remember."

"Remember what?"

"That you saw me get shot."

"So?"

Alex's head snapped up. "What do you mean, so? Do you have any idea how hard that was, to let you see me like that?"

Olivia nodded. "I do, Alex. And that's why I wished you'd just let me be there for you."

Alex sighed, the fight draining from her eyes. "I'm sorry."

"I know." Olivia sighed, too. "So where do we go from here, Alex?"

"I want to try again."

"Oh, Alex. You're engaged. To a man. To a Wall Street tycoon who makes more money each week than I do in an entire year. He can give you everything I can't."

"He doesn't love me." And you do, Alex didn't add. She was aware how juvenile she sounded, how impossible the whole situation was, and that she'd brought it upon herself. But she couldn't help it.

Olivia turned away. "Then maybe you should have thought about that before you had sex with him."

Alex flinched. She deserved that. "It's not the same –"

"You didn't want it to be."

Alex dropped her eyes. "No, I didn't. I wanted to forget you. I thought it would hurt less."

There it was, the truth, out there in the open. How could Olivia deny her now, the thing she needed most, now and always? "I never forgot you."

"I know. I knew you wouldn't. You wouldn't do that to me."

Olivia sighed again. "I still love you," she whispered. "I don't know how to stop."

Alex reached out and took her hand. "You don't have to."

Olivia pulled her hand away. "No. You're not mine anymore, and I'm not yours. You have someone else. You're his, not mine. Not anymore."

Alex bristled at that, but she understood what Olivia meant. And the truth was that she was still Olivia's, and she always would be. "But Olivia," she finally said, "I don't want to be."

Olivia's voice hardened. "That's your cross to bear."

Alex sat there for a moment, just staring at Olivia. Then she said quietly, "I guess I deserve that."

Olivia closed her eyes. "I'm sorry, Alex. I didn't mean that."

"Every time I go to sleep with Robert, I think of you," Alex said. "I think of the way you used to hold me, how you used to kiss me every night before bed and tell me you loved me, how you used to treat me so well."

"Alex, stop it. I didn't ask for this. You chose not to come back to me, even though I would have gladly taken you back. You chose not to call, even though you knew I wanted to hear from you. You got yourself into this situation."

Alex looked away. "I was ashamed."

"Why? What was there to be ashamed of? You were shot. That wasn't your fault."

"Because I didn't drop the case when you told me to. If I had just done as you said, I wouldn't have been in that situation, but no, I had to be right, I always knew best. Until I didn't."

Olivia shook her head in disbelief. "So you were ashamed of being wrong for the first time in your life? Welcome to being human, Alex!"

Alex sighed, realizing how silly that sounded. "No, that's not it. It doesn't matter. I shouldn't have come here. I'm sorry, Olivia. I'll leave." She got up off the couch and started toward the door, but Olivia's hand on her arm stopped her.

"Stay," Olivia said. "Sit down. We're going to finish this discussion."

Alex swallowed hard and did as she was told.

Olivia bit her lip and changed the subject, speaking more gently now. "So after today, how are you holding up?"

Alex sighed again and shrugged. "Fine, I guess."

"Alex, it's me. You don't have to pretend."

"Okay, quite poorly if you must know. And Robert – he doesn't understand. He took me out for dinner at a five star restaurant – I guess he thought that would make me feel better. Then we came home and he wanted to have sex. I didn't say no. I didn't know how. But I didn't want to. That's just the way it is with us. It's never you, Liv."

Olivia flinched at the nickname. "Alex, that's what you wanted. That's what you chose."

"I know, and I was wrong. And I don't want it anymore."

"Alex, it's too late for that now. You can't just change your mind and decide you want me back right this very minute. Who knows? Tomorrow you might want Robert back!"

"Never."

Olivia leaned forward slightly, concern in her eyes. "Alex, did he hurt you?"

"No. He just doesn't love me. And you – you always did." She looked down at her lap. "You always made me feel special." She met Olivia's eyes again. "And I know that sounds so selfish – like I only miss you because you made me feel good about myself. I miss you because you're you, and I – I love you. I always have. I always will. I made a mistake letting you go, and I don't want to make the same mistake again."

Olivia looked at Alex for a long moment, then echoed her earlier words. "So where do we go from here?"

"I don't know. But I want us to go somewhere."

"So do I," Olivia said softly.

"You still want to be with me?"

"I never stopped wanting that."

"Even after all I did –"

Olivia shrugged. "That's the past, Alex. I want a future with you. I want to start today, right now."

"I want to break it off with Robert."

Olivia nodded.

"Right now."

"Right this very moment?"

"Yes."

Olivia smiled at her, finally. "You do that. And then you come back here, and you come to bed with me, and I'll hold you, and we'll discuss everything else in the morning."

With Olivia's smile, Alex felt herself relax. The future might not be kind to them, and she knew that Olivia may not trust her completely for a very long time. There were still wounds that needed to heal, and that would come in time. But they would get through all that together, and it would be worth it.

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