Jedi, Elves, and Total Insanity

Chapter 1: Galadra-thingy, Pink Paint,and Squeeze Cheese

Katia Amidala was reading a FanFic on her computer, in her Jedi Quarters. She was bored, even though the FanFic was Bluesaber3's. She had NO IDEA WHAT TO DO... until her friend, Padawan Kaskleu Rea Veran burst through the door. "THERE'S A WEIRD GUY WITH A BOW ON THE PORCH!" Kask screamed.

Katia covered her ears. "Jeez, Kask, can't you be more quiet about it?"

"SORRY, BUT NO!" Kaskleu screamed again.

Katia growled. "Whatever. Now, what's going on?"

Kaskleu sighed. "Are you deaf, or what? I screamed it loud and clear..."

Katia groaned. "You were yelling so loud, I couldn't hear you!"

Kaskleu tilted her head. "Is that even possible?" She asked curiously.

Katia facepalmed.

Kaskleu got a sulky expression on her face. "Well, you, didn't hear me the first time... but how about THIS? THERE'S A WEIRD GUY ON MY PORCH WITH A BOW AND FUNNY-LOOKING EARS!"

Katia covered her ears, but looked a bit more enlightened. "Okaaay..." She said. "And what do you want ME to do about it? I could see who HE is?" She yelled this time.

Kask nodded vigorously, this time keeping her hands over her lekku. "Ow..." She murmured. "That hurt, Kat!"

Katia sighed. "Look who's talking." She muttered under her breath. The young Knight got off her couch, putting her computer down, and grabbed an iced tea out of her fridge. "Okay, Kask, lead the way... and, just tell me he's not one of your hallucinations again."

"HEY!" Kaskleu protested, following her friend down the hall. "I don't have hallucinations! Ernie the hot dog guy was REAL!"

"Whatever you say..." Katia muttered. She threw open the door to the quarters that Kaskleu and her Master, Aayla Secura, shared. There was no one inside. "Kask..." She said in exasperation. "There's NO ONE here."

"Yes there is!" Kaskleu insisted. She grabbed Katia's hand and led her friend into her room. Standing on the balcony was a young man, with long blond hair, who was carrying a bow and arrows and looking completely bewildered. He looked remarkably like Orlando Bloom.

Kaskleu, of course, took that moment to scream at the top of her lungs and dive under her bed. Katia took out her lightsaber and stood still. "Who are you, and how did you get on my friend's porch?" She asked.

The young man brushed a strand or two of hair behind his ears and sighed. "I am Legolas Thranduilion, Crown Prince of Mirkwood. Who are you?"

Katia sighed. "Yeah, right. And I'm Bugs Bunny."

Legolas perked up. "You are? I LOVE BUGS BUNNY!"

Katia groaned. "Just... shut up!"

Instantly, there was an arrow embedded in the wall behind her head. Katia had dodged to the side. "Who are you to tell the Prince of Mirkwood to shut up?" He asked in rage.

She sighed. "I'm Bugs Bunny, Legolas. I say anything I want to!"

He started to glare at her. "I just noticed you were a GIRL. Bugs Bunny isn't a girl!"

"Didn't you know Bugs Bunny had a SISTER named Bugs Bunny and was human?" She asked.

Legolas shook his head. "No... he did?"

Katia nodded like an expert. "Yep, he did. I am she!"

Legolas leaped at her and hugged her. "HOORAY!" He cheered, kissing Katia on the cheek.

"EWWW!" She yelled, leaping backwards. "GROSS!" Duct tape shot out of her fingertips, binding Legolas from head to toe. He fell on his face. "Serves you right..." She muttered, dragging Legolas back inside.

Kaskleu slid out from under her bed. "THAT WAS SO FREAKIN' COOL!" She yelled. "WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO TO HIM NOW?"

Katia grinned. "You'll see. Kask, does your Master have any blue crayons and freezer space?"

"I think she does." Kaskleu responded. "MASTER! Katia has some questions for you! she says they will be quick!"

"I said no such thing!" Katia said. "All I need is blue crayons and freezer space!"

Aayla came hurrying out of her bedroom, carrying three blue crayons. She was on her way to a ball in the Senate District, and Kit Fisto would be there to pick her up any moment. "Be careful with them, Katia..." She cautioned. "They're valuable."

"Righty-oh!" Katia said cheerfully, taking the crayons. "Thanks, Master Aayla."

The two girls sat down next to where Legolas was on the ground and started to draw.

"Master, one more thing, please! Can we use the pink and white crayons if we are careful?" Kask pleaded.

"And some paint?" Katia chimed in.

When Aayla had given them the paint and crayons, the girls sat down to work, giggling like maniacs. Katia grinned evilly at Legolas. "Guess what?" She said. "We... are your WORST NIGHTMARE!"

So that's how Katia Amidala and Kaskleu Veran came to be sitting, alone, on the floor, trying to turn Legolas into a princess.

Oh, wait, hold on a moment... I'm getting something in here.

"DO OR DO NOT, THERE IS NO TRY!"

Okay, so we have had a very interesting bulletin from Yoda... let me fix that.

So that's how Katia Amidala and Kaskleu Veran came to be sitting, alone, on the floor, turning Legolas into a princess.

Better, Yoda?

"Better, that is. On with the story, you must go."

Okay, orders from the Master... here I go.

Katia giggled again as she put some of Aayla's lipstick on Legolas. It had been a brilliant idea on Kaskleu's part to raid Aayla's makeup. Legolas squirmed, but it was futile... you know the hold of duct tape. Katia had taken the end of one of her thirteen-foot-braids and dipped in in pink paint. She was now painting Legolas's face with pink hearts, and putting pink paint in his hair. They were having a complete blast when the door flew open.

Ahsoka Tano, Anakin Skywalker's Padawan, ran in. "OHMYGOD!" She screamed, making Katia clutch at her ears again. "CHECK FOR YOUR PULSE!"

Kaskleu flopped over on her back and clutched at her lekku. "Owww..." She moaned.

Ahsoka sat down next to Legolas as if nothing had happened "Who's this?" She asked. "Kat's new boyfriend?"

"EWWWWWW!" Katia screamed. "HE'S MARRIED, FOR GOODNESS' SAKE!"

Ahsoka and Kask both put their hands over their Lekku."Ow." They both said at once.

"Anyway," Katia said, "He's MUCH too old for me. How old are you, Legolas?"

Legolas growled. He was starting to hate the girls, especially Katia, who had slipped an ice cube down his tunic. "Well, let's see..." He said. "I'm older than you weirdos-"

"THANK YOU!" They all screamed. Legolas really, really wanted to cover his ears right then.

"and I'm younger than Galadriel-" He continued.

"Ooh! Who's Galadra-thingy?" Ahsoka asked.

Legolas wanted to scream. These girls were worse than Orcs.

He was greeted with a loud smack. "I heard that!" Katia said in a singsong voice.

Correction. These mind-reader girls were worse than Orcs.

"I heard that too!" Kask said. she started to do her best Orc expression.

Real orcs were more brown and slimy, where as these "mind-reader orcs" were exactly the shuddered. "Perhaps we got off to a bad start...?" He suggested cautiously.

"PERHAPS?" The girl named Katia snorted. "Yeah, right." Her eyes started to gleam. "Kask," She said, "Open the freezer."

That's how Legolas found himself with his bare toes in the ice cube tray, freezing off, and his head getting a makeover. Neither experience was pleasant.

"No, not the pink!" Legolas screamed.

Katia had started to put pink makeup all over his head.

"No pink, eh? Well, then we've got a surprise for you!" Again Katia grinned evilly. "Kask, get the bathtub!"

Kask ran into the bathroom. She filled the bathtub with pink paint just as Katia and Ahsoka brought the elf in.

They all started to sing.

The Elf can't swim away!

There is no way out!

Kask took a solo.

Horses, pickles and so much more

will attack you for your life!

Katia's solo.

To try and swim away would be a futile si-i-i-ight!

You'll be covered in pink paint for the rest of the ni-i-i-ight!

Ahsoka's solo.

No ti-ime to spa-are,

PICKLES RULE THE UNIVERSE!

"Ahsoka, pause." Kask said. Then they started in on the chorus.

PINK PICKLES, PINK PICKLES, EVERYTHING REVOLVES AROUND PINK PICKLES!

"No, Ahsoka. They don't!

No Elf can get past a Separatist block! Not even the Galadri-thingy!

Legolas, still floundering in the pink paint, looked up. "You know," He said, "That might just be the worst song I've ever heard. It makes no sense!"

HEY! LEGOLAS! HARRIET AND I MADE IT UP, OKAY? IT'S IMPROV, AND- WAIT, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE KISSING CASSI IN THAT ROOM OVER THERE, NOT CRITIQUING MY STORY!

Sorry. Where were we? Oh, yes... they were torturing Legolas in the pink paint...

"NO, NOT THE PINK AGAIN! I HEARD THAT!"

Yes, the pink again. If you're going to read over my shoulder, then you'll take the consequences! Take 'er away, Harriet!

So Legolas was tortured in pink paint. He was screaming like a banshee and yelling,

"GALADRIEL!"

Suddenly, the door opened, and a beautiful Elf with long, curly blond hair that glowed like the sun stepped through. She looked around, and surveyed the situation with curiosity. "Oops," She said after a moment, "Wrong room." She went back out the door, calling, "CELEBORN? WHERE ARE YOU?"

Katia looked at her friends. "That was weird." She said.

"Galadriel! It's Legolas! These Orcs are torturing me!"

"Well good for them!" The Elf yelled back. "CELEBORN!"

Legolas was in despair. Galadriel, the only one of his kind around, had just left to go look for Celeborn. "WHY DID SHE LEAVE ME?" He howled.

Katia giggled. "I gave her money!" She said, laughing harder.

"ARGGH!" Legolas growled once again.

All of a sudden, two pink people in pink dresses, pink socks and pink shoes jumped in.

They stood up. "How are you Kat? Kask? 'Soka?" The smaller one said. "Hi weird person with pointy ears and pink hair in pink paint!"

"GRR!" Legolas growled. "Katia! who are these pink monsters?"

"Nalara, Nelen, meet Legolas the STUPID prince of Elves, Mirkwood, and Stupidity."

"HEY, I AM SO NOT THAT!"

LEGOLAS JUST SHUT UP WILL YOU! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE KISSING CASSI IN THE OTHER ROOM!

Thanks for backing my case, Harriet.

All right, now... where was I? Oh, yes. That's right. The twins. Legolas, can you stand gore?

"Well, I've killed plenty of Orcs!"

No. I'm talking about pink. You had better leave... I don't think you should see this. *shoves Legolas through a door, closes it and locks it* all right. That's better. Here we go!

Nalara looked at Legolas, a malicious gleam in her eyes. "He's... he's pink!" She said happily. "Like me!"

Kaskleu giggled. "Yeah, he is! Want to help us make him pinker?"

"YEEEEEAH!" Nalara and Nelen cheered. Katia and Legolas covered their ears, wincing. Katia realized this had gone a bit far. Here they were, giving CASSANDRA'S HUSBAND a bath in pink paint, just for a few arrows. She had an idea, and winked at Legolas.

"Oh, guys, look what I found!" She said, lifting a bottle of pink squeeze cheese from her pocket. "You can use it on Legless here!"

Ahsoka snickered. "Legless..." She muttered. Katia handed her a jar of pink pickles and whispered, "If you know what's good for you, you'll shut up and eat these." Ahsoka nodded, completely ignoring the threat, and stuck her whole hand in the pickle jar.

Suddenly, as the Twi'lek twins were about to spray Legolas with the deadly pink squeeze cheese, Katia leaped in between them and the Elf, grabbing Legolas's hand and hauling him out of the bathtub. The twins shrieked in rage and ran after them, followed by Kaskleu and Ahsoka, who still had her hand in the pickle jar. "IT'S STUCK AND I CAN'T GET IT OFF!" Ahsoka howled. They all ignored her.

"RUN, LEGOLAS, RUN!" Katia yelled, pulling him behind her. They could run faster than the twins and Kaskleu (Ahsoka had stopped following and was sitting on the ground, sobbing about her hand that was stuck in the pickle jar), and were soon around the corner, right in front of Obi-Wan Kenobi's quarters. Katia busted the door open and hauled Legolas inside. Obi-Wan was sitting inside, on the couch, holding hands with Satine and drinking wine. They had been about to kiss, and both leaped up yelling at the intrusion of their private evening.

"SORRY MASTER OBI-WAN! SORRY DUCHESS! IT'S A LONG STORY... I'LL TELL YOU LATER, BUT RIGHT NOW YOU HAVE TO GET IN THE CLOSET AND STAY THERE UNTIL I TELL YOU TO COME OUT!" Katia shoved the Duchess and the Jedi Master in the closet, then dropped Legolas into the bathtub.

Satine turned to face Obi-Wan by the light of the closet, looking confused. Obi-Wan shrugged, and they decided it was as good a time as any. They began kissing in the closet.

Katia pulled open the door to Obi-Wan's cleaning supplies cabinet and pulled out a can of black paint. "I am so, so sorry, Legolas..." She said, and dumped it onto his head. He yelled, and she sighed. "That's why you're in the bathtub. Just trust me, and say what I tell you to when they come in, okay?" She dove into the shower and pulled the curtain around her just as the twins and Kaskleu ran into the bathroom. They saw Legolas, sitting in the tub, covered in black paint, and didn't recognize him.

"Where's that elf?" The twins asked. "Why are you here?"

Legolas had no idea what to do, and thought it was a trick until he heard Katia's voice in his mind. "I am Master Obi-Wan, these are my quarters, and I'm taking a bath in black paint, thank you very much." He said.

The twins turned bright red. "Oh... we're sorry, Master Obi-Wan! We didn't recognize you with the paint! We'll go and search for the Elf somewhere else, now!" They left Obi-Wan's quarters, practically bowing.

Legolas grinned. Maybe Katia wasn't so bad after all. He suddenly started spluttering as he was hit with a direct blast of hot water. Katia was standing next to the bathtub, blasting him with water from her hands. "You need to be clean if I'm ever getting you back home safe to Cassi." She said, smiling.

"KATIA! WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH MY HUSBAND?" Cassi was standing there in the doorway looking mad.

Katia looked guilty. "Uhh... Cass... I can explain-" She began, but Legolas broke in.

"She was saving me, Cass. I have NO IDEA where we are, but she saved me from a bunch of weirdos who painted me pink and stuck my toes on an ice cube tray!" He said. A silent agreement between Katia and Legolas made sure that Legolas wouldn't tell Cassi about her involvement in the original torture.

Cassi ran to him and put her arms around him. "Le melon..." She whispered. Katia giggled.

Later, Cassi and Legolas had been delivered back to Mirkwood, and Katia was still being hunted by the twins and Kaskleu. Fortunately, she had managed to sneak back to her quarters, and had barred the door with her favorite rocking chair. She sat down on the couch, feeling grateful that she didn't have to face her friends. She made instant macaroni, and picked up her computer. Suddenly, "A Not-So-Normal Week 3" seemed a lot more funny now that the stuff in it was sort of happening to her. She grinned and began to write a review to Blue.