To The Void, May I Surrender

Chapter One

Edward's POV

God.

He is beautiful.

It's almost too much for me to take in at one time.

Behind my wide-framed sunglasses, I tip my head down to the warm mug in my hands and take another sip of my tea, letting the flavored herbal brew dance across my tongue and offer me another bout of serenity that I desperately need.

However, my eyes never strayed away from the enchanting vision just ahead.

Laughing and full of brilliant life, life that sparkled with the utter purity and happiness that few truly obtained in this existence, the man with bright, golden hair and a smile that consistently made my icy heart flutter wildly within my chest stood at another table whilst he joked with his customers.

I had lost count of how many times I had sat in this same chair outside of this particular cafe' where he worked, just so I could watch him, just so I could sate my endless imagination with his flawless features and enticing charisma.

I envied this man with crystal-clear blue eyes and strong, broad shoulders, as he chatted openly with the many frequenters of this place, having sat himself down with a few of them on occasion in order to answer questions about the items on the menu.

His willingness to extend his vibrant aura to whomever came and went through this modest town was indisputable, and I found myself having surpassed petty jealously of him to where I now admired him for his actions.

It was difficult to pinpoint exactly the reasons why I felt so inexplicably drawn to him, as if I physically needed to see him or suffer some ill-conceived consequences, but it had long since became one of my favorite pastimes to come to this place and try to do exactly that.

I lived for my observations of him, like the way his laughter originated deep from within his chest and often made him lower his chin out of some old-fashioned modesty, and how he was right-handed but seemed to unconsciously perform a number of tasks with his left hand.

He loved his job and it showed in his friendly, almost familiar, interactions with the customers.

His own zest for life made the people he came into contact with feel it, too.

I drank more of my tea, continuing to hold the painted ceramic mug close to my body, as I turned my own inner musing over inside my mind, letting them flourish into more as I could not help but lose myself in such thoughts about the captivating man now gliding seamlessly to another table.

I lusted after this man in front of me with a heart of gold, this man whom I did not even know his name...yet I desired him so fiercely from a distance.

His body was bordering on Greek god-like perfection to me, as if some master sculptor somewhere literally created him from marble stone exactly to my liking, right down to the finest detail, and then breathed life into him.

My eyes always took their time in tracing over the lean, fit lines that made up the tall man's long legs, broad back that gave way into a deceptively trim waist, and strong arms, as I found myself almost glaring at the way he would stretch across tables to carefully set down plates and cups.

His actions, no matter how infinitesimal, always seemed to exude such sensual grace to me, and it fueled something intimate and colorful and exciting inside of me every time I witnessed it.

I had never sat in his section located outside on the walkway, for I knew that I would not know what to do or what to say to him whence he would receive me with his effortless charm.

I would, no doubt, freeze under his radiating warmth.

Oh...how I craved for it to happen just once, though.

I craved to experience the majesty of his full attention, his near-poetic beauty to be solely for me to behold.

I had also lost count of how many times I wished I could simply get over my fears, get over my self-imposed reservations, and just approach him...hear his lovely voice directed at me, have his eyes looking only for me...

"Can I get you anything else, honey?" my middle-aged waitress suddenly asked me at my side, tearing me away from my swirling, sullen thoughts with her chipper voice and kind smile.

I looked up at her, and wordlessly offered a small grin, knowing that she would understand that I was implying the negative.

My grin faded from my lips as my waitress left my side and entered the cafe', once again leaving me to my thoughts and their tireless push and pull of desires and questions, telling me what I wanted but then second-guessing every minute detail that said event might mean.

I hated my warring mind.

I knew I wanted him.

But I also knew that I was scared.

Scared of rejection...scared of not being rejected.

I sighed into my mug, deciding against the last drink of the semi-sweet brew, as I felt my beguiling thoughts win another round with me this time, making my typically withdrawn mood just a little darker still.

Placing a few bills on the table from my jacket and then setting the heavy mug on top of the currency, I stood up and adjusted the length of my sleeves before shoving my hands inside my pockets.

Carefully navigating away from the pattern of bistro-style tables and chairs that cluttered along the outside of the cafe', I kept my eyes on the pavement, not wishing to catch anyone's eye, anyone's attention...only watching as solid grey passed underneath my feet.

"Hm...but what an intriguing sin it would be to catch his eye, indeed...to have him look at me the same way I look at him..." my continuously tumbling thoughts voiced to me in full, the weight of which always seeming to hit me squarely in my stomach with its impact of unspoken promises...promises I was positively dying to pursue.

One corner of my lips turned upward at the far-away yet enriching ideal of how happy it would make me to know that man, really know everything about him - all of his thoughts and fears, hopes and even his deepest of fantasies he had never thought to whisper aloud.

My melancholy smile slipped from my features, however, the more I walked...for, the more I walked, the more I knew such ideals were not likely to happen.

Not to me.

Not to someone like me.

No one that positive with so much ahead of him...should have to darken their life just because of me.