If Only…

The grocery store was crowded. Detective Sgt. Jane Rizzoli, Mrs. Joey Grant in private life, sighed. Her life wasn't getting any easier this evening. Joey was home with the kids while Jane ran out for some ingredients to make a birthday cake. Her son Angelo was turning six years old tomorrow; Joey promised to bake a cake for an after school birthday party.

"Where do they all come from?" Jane muttered as she dodged shopping carts and strollers. She was irritated. Joey was supposed to have baked the cake this afternoon. When he married Jane seven years ago he jokingly promised to do all the cooking. Jane made him stick to his pledge. She had to give him credit though. Joey Grant learned all of Angela's recipes (the ones she let him have) and now he considered himself a great Italian cook.

"Jane? Jane Rizzoli, is that you?" Jane heard a familiar voice call through the supermarket. She turned and looked. Dr. Maura Isles waved from half an aisle away. Jane's eyes grew big.

"Maura? What are you doing here this evening?"

"Apparently grocery shopping at the same time as most of Boston, it looks like. How have you been, Jane?"

Maura stepped forward and grabbed her friend in a hug. "It's been a long time, Jane."

"Too long, Maura."

"How is Joey?"

"He's fine. At home riding herd on the kids. I'm trying to find a cake mix."

"Did you finally learn to cook?"

"No, Joey does all of the cooking. Angelo is six years old tomorrow; Joey promised to bake a cake but he needs a mix."

"Angelo is six years old already?" Maura couldn't believe how quickly time passed. She moved away from Boston when Jane was pregnant with Angelo.

"Yes and Caitlyn is almost four. I'm afraid to turn around, they'll be grown and gone," Jane grinned.

"So enough about me, Maura, are you here visiting the city?"

"No, I moved back a couple of months ago," Maura explained. Jane suddenly felt her stomach clench.

"Are you working?"

"Not as a medical examiner, or as a doctor either. I'm heading up my family's charitable foundation. The head office has always been here in Boston so I moved back."

"How are your parents, Maura?" Jane didn't quite know how to react to Maura's having been in Boston for two months with no contact.

"Not good, unfortunately. My father has his history of heart problems so Mother finally talked him into retiring. That's why I'm heading up the foundation. Daddy takes it easy most days and Mother hovers over him."

"Are you seeing anyone? How's Michael?" Jane referred to the man Maura left Boston to move in with.

"That was over before it really began. Away from Boston he seemed different. I moved out almost before I was fully moved into his place. I've dated, but no one special," Maura said. Not since you, she thought, but didn't voice it.

"Listen, Maura, I need to get that cake mix and get home with it before Joey sends out the posse," Jane said. "Let's meet for lunch this next week, if we can?"

"I'll check my schedule and let you know, Jane. I'd like that."

"Great," Jane hugged Maura quickly and practically ran to the checkout lane. Maura watched the brunette move easily through the crowd and felt the same familiar thrill run through her.

Jane pulled into the driveway and parked the car. Before getting out she leaned forward on the steering wheel.

Maura's here in Boston, again. I invited her to lunch this next week. Great, Jane thought. Why do I put myself through this? I can't see her, I just can't.

Jane grabbed her cell and called through to her secretary's voice mail. "Anna, this is Jane. Can you make sure my schedule is booked extra heavy? I want to get some things done. Please make sure I have no extra time at all. I'll explain later," Jane said and closed her phone. Now if Maura contacted her she could legitimately tell the blond she didn't have time for lunch.

Maura grabbed the groceries bags half-heartedly and headed inside. She crouched down to greet Bass who stuck his head out to say hello. She put out his salad with his strawberry dessert and put the rest of her groceries away on autopilot.

Jane. Of all the places to run into Jane Rizzoli, Maura imagined the grocery store would be the last possible one. For the months Maura had been back in Boston she avoided thoughts of her previous life here, life as chief medical examiner with a beautiful best friend named Jane.

Pouring a glass of wine Maura glanced at her desk and sighed. She wasn't going to be able to concentrate on work tonight. She grabbed the photo album from the top shelf of her closet and settled on the sofa with her wine. It didn't take long for Maura's memories to take over.

"Good morning, I'm Dr. Maura Isles, your new chief medical examiner," she said to the only other woman in the room. She took in the tall brunette with the chocolate eyes and wild hair. "Detective Jane Rizzoli, homicide. Huh, I didn't know we hired a woman for chief m.e."

"Diversity in the workplace," Maura said and grinned.

We were friends from that moment on. When Hoyt came after Jane she turned up in the middle of the night several times. Or I went to her, when she called to say she was having a bad night. Sleepovers became common. We even left changes of clothes at each other's place.

And, at some point in time, Maura remembered, my feelings turned from platonic to romantic. A retired detective held me at gunpoint in the morgue and Jane came to my rescue. I saw the flash of concern in her eyes when she saw the detective holding a gun to my head and I knew my feelings had grown. What to do? Tell Jane and risk losing the friendship? I couldn't do that, I needed her in my life.

Across town Jane walked in on chaos. Joey was in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti and meatballs for their family dinner but was clearly distracted with two kids underfoot. Jane handed him the cake mix and kissed her husband hello. Angelo and Caitlyn jumped up to greet their mommy.

"Mommy! I made a special picture for you," Angelo yelled. Caitlyn reached over to slap her brother.

"Daddy said I could tell Mommy first about my picture," she wailed. Jane scooped both kids in her arms and walked out of the kitchen. She glanced back over her shoulder and caught Joey mouthing "thank you". She grinned.

"Okay, we're going to sit here on the sofa and talk about our day. Caitlyn goes first," she put up her hand to stop her excited son as he opened his mouth.

Caitlyn looked at her brother and stuck out her tongue.

"Caitlyn, we don't do that, remember? And no hitting your brother. I saw that," Jane said.

"Okay, Mommy. Here's my picture. See? You and Daddy are on the front steps and I'm riding my bike."

"Where's your brother?"

"I stuffed him under the bushes," Caitlyn explained. "And here's our house, only I have my own room," she explained. Jane wanted to laugh. Caitlyn seriously worried her at times with the physicality of her relationship with Angelo.

"Ten minutes to dinner. You guys need to go wash your hands. And, Janie, here's a beer for you," Joey said.

"Thanks, dear, quit calling me Janie," Jane smiled at her husband.

"To continue our tradition, how was your day?" he asked his wife.

"Quiet, until I stopped in the grocery store. Now I know why no one was killing anyone today, they were all in the store. Oh, and I ran into Maura."

"Maura Isles? Is she back in Boston?" Joey asked.

"Hmm," Jane answered, draining the last of her beer. "Said she's been back a couple of months. Moved back to take over the Isles Family Foundation. Dad retired."

"Well, that's a whole conversation in a nutshell. Did she marry what's-his-name?"

"Michael. No, she said they broke up not long after they moved away. I wonder what happened? Anyway we're going to try and get together for lunch one day soon," Jane said, omitting mention of her phone call to her secretary to make sure she was too booked to see Maura.

"That will be nice. I'm sure the two of you have plenty to discuss," Joey said as he put bowls of pasta, sauce, and meatballs on the table.

"Jane, could you grab the salad out of the refrigerator? I'll go see what our two little monkeys are up to and get them to the table. Have a seat," Joey kissed his wife's cheek on his way upstairs.

He climbed the stairs without telling his wife he heard of Maura's return to Boston six weeks earlier, when Vince Korsak stopped by the precinct for a visit. Newly retired Vince was leaving the next day for an extended tour through Europe. He expected to be gone for three months. Being retired Vince joked to Joey that now he had time to read the morning newspaper. "Imagine my surprise to see Dr. Isles returned to Boston a couple of weeks ago. Small world, eh Joey?" Vince jostled him with his elbow. The look in Vince's eyes was a little too knowing. Joey turned away, determined to keep his wife from finding out about her friend's return.

Two days later Joey stopped by Anna's desk. Anna was Jane's secretary; since being promoted to Detective Sgt Jane budgeted for a secretary to help with the paperwork she wasn't adept at doing but was required by the job.

"Anna, could you do me a favor?" he asked. "Please don't mention this to my wife, but if Dr. Maura Isles calls, please tell her Jane is too busy to see her right now?"

Anna was puzzled but she agreed and agreed to keep it a secret, just between the two of them. Joey put the incident out of his mind until now.

The next week turned out to be busier than expected and Jane didn't need to worry about her schedule. She never had a chance to explain to Anna why she needed her schedule to be packed. A serial killer started dumping his victims in a circle around Boston, starting with the waterfront and ending with the warehouse district. A high profile victim, the secretary to the chief of police, was found at Fenway Park, just before the start of Game 1 of the World Series. Their resources stretched to the breaking point because of the excitement surrounding the Red Sox, they had to pull everyone available to work the serial killer case before he struck again.

Jane hadn't seen her family in several days. Messages piled up on her desk unless they pertained to the case. Maps with pins of victims, leads in the case hung on various walls around the bullpen. Detectives and uniformed officers came in and out with new information or crossed off areas of interest until they narrowed down their suspect. He was caught trying to abduct a potential new victim. Jane interrogated him in shifts with Frost. The man finally broke down and confessed with the DNA evidence came in, linking him to all of the victims.

Jane climbed the stairs to their home. She was headed for a warm bath and a long, long nap. Joey already promised to clear out the children until later.

She entered the bathroom to find a hot bath already drawn, her favorite bath salts and candles scenting the air. Quickly Jane stripped and entered the tub. She leaned back and began to relax.

"Just relax, Jane, I'll take care of you," Maura said.

"Candles, Maura?"

"They help create a soothing atmosphere, Jane and are conducive to relaxation. These are vanilla scented candles, designed to help one relax but without giving off an overpowering scent. If I'd used cinnamon candles you wouldn't have relaxed at all."

"Thank you, Google," Jane smiled. "Are you going to join me, or just stand there and stare?" she asked the doctor. Maura blushed. Her hands quickly unbuttoned her blouse and skirt. Tucking her clothes neatly on the counter Maura stepped into the tub and settled between Jane's legs. She leaned back and Jane's arms wrapped around her waist. Turning her head she met Jane's lips halfway.

"What the hell?" Jane muttered and sat up. The water was now tepid. I must have fallen asleep, she thought. Irritated she climbed out of the tub and grabbed her robe. I could almost feel Maura's arms, she thought.

Maura entered her home, turned the security alarm on (as Jane taught her so many years ago), and went into the kitchen to pour herself a glass of wine. It had been a challenging day; as anyone who knew Maura from her m.e. days knew, she didn't deal well with living people. And when they turned into screaming six year old children at the budget meetings, well, Maura couldn't deal with them. She cut the meeting short, asked everyone to remember their manners and asked her secretary to reschedule the meeting. Leaving early Maura remembered it was Friday afternoon. She realized she was driving near the precinct where she used to work with Jane, Barry Frost and Vince Korsak. Passing a familiar street Maura saw the sign for The Dirty Robber. She almost turned to park and see if anyone she knew from her m.e. days was in the bar. Instead she noticed the closed sign on the door and the dust from an unused storefront. Disappointed Maura headed home.

Settling on the sofa with her wine she picked up a medical journal she still subscribed to. Thumbing its pages it only served to remind her of her days as chief medical examiner, and her work there, and with, Detective Jane Rizzoli.

"Jane," Maura said her name. The anguish over the end of her relationship with Jane came through then and she sobbed.

I never thought I'd meet someone like Jane. Our relationship never bothered me, but it did Jane. Being a woman in a man's world she took jabs about her sexuality even before she knew me. When we realized our feelings for each other Jane was torn. We couldn't stay away from each other, Jane loathed herself for falling in love with another woman.

It was the best eighteen months of my life. But then it was over. Jane shot herself to end a hostage situation and to save Frankie's life. She awoke from the anesthesia professing her love for me. Angela and Frank overheard her and despite their protests that they were fine with our dating Jane couldn't just love me for myself and forget I was another woman. She saw gender first where I saw an amazing person first. The fact that Jane was a woman was secondary to me, if I thought of it at all.

Joey Grant heard of the shooting and returned to Boston. He had a consulting agreement with the FBI for the Boston area and pretty soon he and Jane were dating. I saw the handwriting on the wall. I met Michael, we started dating, and despite his sweaty palms I thought I could make a life with him.

Jane married Joey in a simple backyard wedding at my parents' house. Everyone else's tears were tears of joy but not mine. I was sobbing for what I lost. Joey knew, I think. At one point he looked at me and I saw sympathy in his eyes for what he had that I no longer had.

The day Jane announced her pregnancy I made plans to leave Boston. I admit, when they married part of me still held out hope that after the first year Jane would get tired of being married, sleeping with a man, and would leave Joey for me. When she came down to the morgue that morning, I knew before she said the words.

"Morning, Maur. Wonderful day isn't it?" Jane was glowing. I never before ever associated this word with her; she's a beautiful woman, inside and out, but I never remembered a day when I thought she glowed. Today she did.

"When are you due?" I asked. Jane was astonished.

"How did you know?"

"I'm a doctor, Jane. Besides, you're glowing," I answered. I smiled although it was winter in my heart. I hugged Jane, told her I was happy for her and Joey. Jane went back upstairs. I went over to my computer and started thinking of other cities to live in.

I spoke with Michael that evening. I planned on dumping him, too, but he was excited about a new job prospect in San Francisco. I lived there before and loved the city so I was game to go. By the time Jane was in her seventh month and promoted strictly to desk duty I told her Michael and I were leaving. I'd just submitted my resignation.

"I'm sorry, Maura," Jane said in a low voice. We glanced around to see who might overhear our conversation. There wasn't anyone else around. I hopped up on the edge of Jane's desk like always.

"Me, too, Jane. Think of what we had. Could still have," I said and froze. Had I just asked Jane-a very pregnant Jane-to leave her husband for me?

"I can't do it, Maura. I love you, I always will, but Joey's my husband now. I'm having a baby." Jane acted like she didn't know how to react so I squeezed her shoulder and left. I rarely went back up to the bullpen unless it was an absolute necessity.

Michael and I left three weeks later. My last day on the job was hard. I was treated to a going away party, with cake, balloons, all the best wishes, etc., etc. I looked for Jane. She was at the back of the crowd of well-wishers. She wouldn't look at me. Every time I tried to make eye contact Jane turned to talk to someone else. I quit trying. After the party I went back downstairs, cleaned out my desk and shut down my laptop. I took one last look around the morgue and walked out of the Boston precinct.

Maura's tears dried and she sat up, putting the journal on the bottom shelf of her table. She'd read it sometime in the near future, but not now. Seeing Jane set off a trip down memory lane and Maura knew it was dangerous for her to go down that lane very often.

The following week Jane was mopping up the rest of the case. They found the serial killer, hiding in his mother's basement, dressed in women's clothing, and arrested him without incident.

"Anna, how many of these messages are pertinent?" Jane called out to her secretary.

"I put all of the phone messages from this case in that pile-" Anna pointed to the pile of little pink slips on Jane's left, "and other messages that are mostly from people you know are in the other pile." Anna pointed to the smaller pile on Jane's right.

"Anyone in this smaller pile that I absolutely need to speak with today?" Jane asked.

"No, all important messages are in the middle of your desk, Jane. Oh, except for Dr. Isles. She's left several messages. They're in the pile on the right."

"Okay. I'll call her soon, I promise."

"She said not to bother leaving you a message, but I did anyway. She said she knew you didn't have time for a get-together now because of the case but she wanted you to know she was thinking of you. Actually, the last time she called, she told me to make sure you ate because you didn't usually take care of yourself during a case like this," Anna said and laughed a little. "She sure knew you, Jane."

A small jolt ran through Jane as Anna gave her the last message from Maura. As she organized her desk for the afternoon's paperwork onslaught the only mantra that ran though Jane's mind was how much she wanted to see Maura. She pushed this thought from her mind only to have it reappear. Damn, she wanted to see Maura, and not just in the grocery store.

Impulsively she grabbed her calendar, checked her schedule and dialed Maura's number before she talked herself out of it.

"Maura? Jane. Thanks for the messages."

"I told your secretary not to bother you, Jane, I know how busy you get with your cases," Maura replied.

"We caught him, Maura, yesterday afternoon. I'm at my desk trying to mop it up with Anna's help. Listen, you want to go to lunch or shall we have a girls' night out with drinks?" Jane asked. Maura's breath caught.

Girls' night out, Jane, with drinks, a movie, and a sleepover, please, ran through Maura's mind. She almost said it aloud but shocked herself with her next words.

"I'm afraid I can't, Jane. I have to go to Australia next week for the foundation and I'll be there for several weeks. Maybe some other time. It was nice seeing you in the grocery store. I'm glad you're happy with Joey," Maura said and ended the call.

Jane sat in her chair, in shock that Maura didn't want to see her, then understood it was for the best. What could I have offered her? Friendship? We tried that. It grew into romantic feelings for each other. I broke it off because I was too chicken to follow my heart, everyone else and their comments be damned. I wonder what it would be like to be married to Maura? Jane asked herself then shut off her thoughts. I can't go there.

If only…Jane thought and sighed. She had her life now. It was time to let Maura go once and for all.

The End