First, the reviews.

Fairyglitter: No problem, it would be my pleasure. Snaps fingers and Bunny the Demon-monster comes out dragging a large sack with someone wriggling inside it. Starbrat - Prepare the victim! Bunny dumps Tom out of sack onto large catapult Starbrat - Ready. Aim. FIRE! Bunny pushes the lever and Tom goes flying, and lands in the cage where Starbrat keeps her more dangerous pets. GRRRR, SNAP, CRUNCH GROWL

Starbrat -Hey, chew with your mouths shut would you? And use a napkin you ill-mannered beasts!

Ill Mannered Beasts - GRRRRRR (Translation: Shaddup and butt out Starbrat! Oh, and do you have any salt?)

Starbrat - Ingrates! Hands over salt

Ill Mannered Beasts - GRRR (Translation: And some parsley.)

Starbrat - sighs and tosses them parsley Whatever happened to thank you?

Ill Mannered Beasts: Snarl (translation: Sod off!)

Starbrat - Fine, it's boiled zucchini for you guys tomorrow!

Ill Mannered Beasts - Meep! (translation: Meep!)

Starbrat - Nyahahaha!

Virvatuli: Away with morality! Throw off its oppressive yoke and be free!

Canihavea-soda: Ah yes, Mel. sings ala Cartman in South Park: The Movie On Mondays she's a bitch, on Tuesdays she's a bitch, on Wednesdays through Saturdays she's a bitch. Then on Sundays, just to be different, she's a super King Kamehameha biatch.

Meliot Millstone: A nipple ring? snickers Now that's a good one.

And now, recap, in form of Haiku:

Author is insane, - Fellowship has been kidnapped, - give the damn ring back!

Continuing with our story:

Dawn broke with a surly demeanor, begrudging the light and warmth it brought. Or, for the not terminally poetic, it was a sucky morning. The teenagers were sore and tired from sleeping on the ground, and everyone was nervous about their plan - Sauron was still evil, and had shown himself to be fairly vindictive in the past.

Breakfast was a silent affair, the stillness only broken when Mel kicked Gollum because "she felt like it and all the other guys were armed." At last they set off at a brisk pace for Barad-dur. Around noon they stopped for a quick lunch, and then resumed their journey.

Frodo looked at Mel doubtfully; she was staring at Tara again. "Do you think the ring's affected her any yet?" She asked, almost eagerly. A thought came to his mind, improbable, but with Mel, the usual rules of probable/improbable behavior didn't always apply. He leaned over towards her, "Mel, I was wondering..." He paused, unsure of how to broach the subject properly. "What would you do with the ring, if you had it?"

Mel looked at Frodo oddly. "Give it to Sauron, isn't that what we decided?"

Frodo shook his head. "I meant if you could keep it for yourself"

Mel chuckled, "Dunno, I could get into over 21 nightclubs, but I just spent a shitload on a fake ID - it'd be a shame to waste it. Being a cat- burglar comes to mind, but with heat and motion sensors - nah, wouldn't work. Besides, I may not be a huge Tolkien fan, but I know enough to tell that having the ring means getting messed in the head. Better to leave it alone."

Frodo nodded - suspicions confirmed. Not that he was too surprised; Mel hadn't shown herself to be of high moral character to begin with. "Look, we have reached the gates of Barad-dur."

The group stopped, a collective shudder ran through all that had fought here previously. The gates were deserted, but they were a forbidding sight as they lay open - like waiting jaws.

Nate took a deep breath, "Well, lets get this over with shall we?"

Gollum whimpered and tried to slink away. "Oh no you don't!" Mel snarled as she grabbed him by the scruff of his neck and hauled him through the gates. "Alrighty green-boy, which way to the throne room?"

"Don'tsss! Mustn'tsss!" Gollum twisted in Mel's grip "Leadsss to HIM! Isss bad!"

"Not as bad as me if you don't take us there!" Mel growled, then softened her tone. "Relax Smeagol, he has no reason to hurt you this time - and I'll take care of you."

"Promisesss?"

"I promise." Mel smiled, patting Gollum's head. "Now move your shriveled ass before I kick it!"

Gollum nodded "Thisss way." He led them through a door into a maze of hallways. Everyone paused to take in their surroundings. Tall vaulted ceilings and a very gothic feel, the whole place was constructed out of some unknown stone, rather like black marble, but shinier, with a blue tinge.

Mel whistled, "The guy may be a jerk, but he can sure decorate!"

"How can you say that?" Boromir eyed the walls nervously, hand on sword hilt. "This place reeks of foul magic!"

"One of the reasons it's so cool." Mel grinned, enjoying the discomfort of the Canon characters immensely.

"I agree." Nate smiled, "Definite evil lair coolness."

"Here! Issss here!" Gollum pointed to an ornate door at the end of a long hall.

Mel smiled at Tara. "Well girl, feel like bolting?"

Tara's only reply was to square her shoulders and walk past Mel, a determined look on her face. Noting Mel's disappointment, Frodo laughed quietly - he had been right! "It takes more than a day for the ring to corrupt a person Mel," he admonished. "Especially if the person is..."

"Alright, Alright! No need to rub it in." Mel glared. "It's not like I was hoping for a full conversion, but do you think it'll have worked enough for her to enjoy a few drinks? A large group of us are headed to Cancun for the summer, and we can't just ditch her, but if she keeps passing out those damn AA and abstinence pamphlets everywhere, she's gonna get us kicked out of all the bars!"

"Hey guys, coming?" Tara called.

The rest of the group ran to catch up. Tara looked at them curiously. "What kept you?"

"Nothing." Mel said dejectedly, "Let's get on with this."

Gandalf thought back on the history of the ring. There had been few instances that the ring had been willingly given from one person to another, but had the reason ever been the hope for a drinking buddy? These were strange times indeed. Shaking his head he pushed the door open.

"Elbereth save us!" exclaimed Legolas.

Inside, Sauron was sitting on his throne idly throwing peanut shells at half a dozen orcs in tutus and pink bows who seemed to be trying to perform scenes from Westside Story.

"Oh God, I so did not want to see that." Mel shuddered.

"Actually that one playing Maria isn't too bad." Tara mused, "Those are some hard notes to hit."

"Shatter, you mean." Nate winced as 'Maria' shrilled out another line.

"Oi Sauron! Call off the Spice Girls - we need to talk." Mel yelled over the music, privately hoping Sauron wasn't still mad over the whole orc- fancying accusation

"What do you want?" bellowed Sauron irritably.

"We have come to propose a truce." Aragorn choked out the words. To think that he was parlaying with this fiend that they had all fought so hard to defeat! The very notion brought bile to his throat.

"I see you've eluded the Author" Sauron mocked, "Any of you kiss each other this time?"

Noticing the hostility between the two sides, Mel decided she would have to take care of negotiations - these people had too many old feuds to talk things over sensibly. "Now let's keep this civil." She glanced at Boromir, he was staring hard at the orcs, and she could tell his sword hand was just itching - not that she really blamed him, considering his demise and all. "Sauron, would you mind if Boromir chopped up a few Orcs? He's sorta in a bad mood."

"Not at all." Sauron agreed courteously. "Tell you what, I'll summon a few, and we can talk after he kills him."

"Uh, Mr. Sauron?" Merry spoke up, "Would you tell me where the restroom is?"

"What? Oh, down that hall, third door to the left."

"Thanks"

"No problem. Please sit everyone - Boro-whatever, would you please kill the one in the blue tiara - his singing really is awful."

"We have come to resolve this matter as soon as possible." Gandalf said shortly. "We have not the time for idle talk or games."

"Indeed." Nodded Boromir, but he did look rather disappointed.

"Alrighty your evilness," said Mel in a businesslike tone, "we want you to stop messing with our worlds. That means no more psycho Authors kidnapping from either world."

"And why would I do that?" Sauron's voice was a exquisite blend of amusement, scorn, and annoyance. "These Authors are my only entertainment - apart from the spectacularly horrible performances of the orcs."

"Ring dong a dillo!" Sam jumped up as everyone looked around wildly. In a corner was none other than Tom Bombadil, in a cage suspended from a chain in the ceiling.

"Oh, and him." Sauron waved a fiery appendage towards the cage negligently. "One of the Authors was kind enough to have him brought over here to amuse me - although he sings about as badly as the Orcs - are you sure you don't want to kill a few of them? I have plenty."

Gimli shook his head. "Let us agree on the terms and be gone - we have no wish to be here any longer than necessary."

Mel sighed - would it kill them to be polite? "What if we told you that the Author had recreated the ring - would you consider?"

Sauron narrowed his eye. "Be specific."

"No more giving power to Authors." Mel smiled nastily; "Although you can torture Mary-Sue authors all you want. You also have to transport us normal people back home, and we would like it if you would restore the Author's sanity. Not that you have to, but it would be nice - ooh, and I want a Morgul blade!"

"You will not assemble any armies, nor will you attempt expand your borders." Gandalf said sternly. "If you violate the terms of this treaty we will see to it that YOU spend the next century or two at the mercy of fangirls and authors. Do we have an understanding?"

"We do." Sauron said eagerly. "Now where is the ring?"

Gandalf nodded at Tara, who pulled the ring out of her pocket and handed it to Sauron. The minute it touched him, the whole room filled with a thick black smoke,

"Much better." A cultured voice said. "Being an eye can be so tiresome."

The smoke cleared to reveal a dark-haired Maia. Apparently, the ring transformed him into the author's concept of what Sauron had looked like. He was dressed in black from head to toe, and even Tara had to admit that he was fairly cool, as far as evil super-villains went.

"Damn!" Mel whistled, looking over Sauron's new form appreciatively.

Sauron caught the look and smirked. "What, did you not know? Evil is always good looking."

"I'll say!" Mel had a wicked gleam in her eye.

"I do recall you saying something to the extent of me being an eyedrop, and that I was... incapable of doing certain tasks." Sauron's smirk widened, "Care to take back the statement or shall I show you the folly of your rash tongue?"

"You mean you can blink now?" Mel's expression was that of total innocence.

"Not the task I was thinking of my lady." Sauron purred.

Tara wrinkled her brow in confusion, trying to remember the conversation they were referring to. Suddenly her face turned bright red. "Hey! Stop it both of you!"

"She's right." Nate rolled his eyes "Mel, stop hitting on the evil guy - whatever happened to evolutionary ancestors being too old?"

"I'll put in an amendment for the extremely hot." Mel was still staring at Sauron.

"That's it!" Nate was getting annoyed. "Mel, you stay on that side of the room; Sauron, you stay on that side! Gandalf, help me out here."

"Come Mel." Gandalf firmly led a pouting Mel to one corner before turning to face an equally pouting Sauron. "For shame! Have you no honor? Seducing a child!"

"Hey! I heard that!" Mel objected "And I'm not a child dammit!"

"Be silent Mel." Said Gandalf absently, still giving Sauron a reproving glare.

Sauron shrugged off Gandalf's scolding with indifference. "I'm evil - sue me. Besides, I have been an eyeball for millennia. When I first inspired Tolkien to write the books, I expected a few fan clubs, but instead everyone liked you people. So I try again with the 'movies' and same thing happens. The least that Jackson fellow could have done was to find a good-looking actor to portray me, but instead I get shown as an eye!"

"Well, you were an eye." Tara pointed out.

"Oh well," Sauron laughed "I suppose it is better than what you fellows got - some of those stories were downright frightening."

Everyone winced, remembering the nastier stories. Nate cleared his throat. "Yes well, could you send us back now? We do need to pack, and our tickets are nonrefundable if we miss the flight."

"Actually, I was thinking of staying for a while." said Mel. "I mean, how often does a person get to be in an alternate universe?"

Sauron smiled, "I would enjoy giving you a thorough tour of the land."

"No!" Chorused Nate, Tara, and the fellowship. Mel was bad enough on her own, no telling what trouble she could start, running around with a newly empowered Sauron.

"But I wanted a Morgul Blade!" complained Mel.

"Well, you shan't have one." Gandalf said calmly.

"Alright, alright! Party poopers." Mel paused for a moment, thinking. "Hey Sauron, that ring lets you transport yourself to our world as well right?"

Sauron nodded.

"Well, we're going to be in Cancun for the next couple weeks, if you don't have anything planned..." Mel trailed off suggestively.

"I must admit I have been told of this 'tequila' by other Authors," Sauron said reflectively.

"Oh my gosh, I totally forgot!" Tara slapped her forehead. "I need to pick up that stack of 'True Love Waits' booklets!"

Mel and Nate groaned. Frodo smiled at Mel, "I told you."

Tara frowned, "Told her what?"

"Oh, um, we'd better get going." Mel hastily grabbed Tara's hand.

Nate nodded, "Wouldn't want to miss those pamphlets." He turned to the fellowship. "Well, goodbye guys, I'd say something along the lines of 'see you later', but I don't think any of us really want that, so... I'll settle for wishing you good luck."

The fellowship nodded, Sauron frowned in concentration and the three teens faded from view. As Mel drifted off, she could just hear Sauron saying, "You do realize this ring is misspelled."

"And then what happened, Uncle Pippin?" Goldilocks asked.

Pippin smiled at the child on his knee before tousling her hair. "Well, then we all went home - thankfully only a few people could remember the 'Authors' at all, so things went back to normal."

"You mean, almost normal, Pip." Merry laughed, "I have a strong suspicion that those bottles of that strange drink that is so popular in Gondor now are coming from Mordor."

"Well, if they are, it's a small price for peace." Sam smiled fondly at his daughter, then chuckled. "Why, back then, things were so topsy-turvy that I wasn't even surprised to see Tom Bombadil in a..."

"Tom Bombadil!" The three elder hobbits exclaimed together.

"We forgot all about him!" Sam was aghast.

"He must still be with Sauron." Merry looked at his friends in astonishment, "I can't believe we didn't think of this before!"

"You're right Merry." Pippin stood up quickly, dumping a startled Goldilocks on to the ground. "We must set off at once!"

All three raised their fists in the air and shouted in unison. "To Goldberry's!"

Rosie put a hand on Sam's shoulder, "You weren't thinking of visiting that woman all alone in the woods were you?"

"Of course not!" Merry grinned wickedly "He just wanted to wish us luck." He then pulled Sam into a great bear hug, and whispered in his ear "What a shame you're married; by now she'll have been without male company for quite some time - what a sad shame!"

Saying this, he and Pippin sped off to their houses to pack. They had a long journey ahead of them, and not a moment to lose.
THE END

(and about friggin' time)
Yippee! It's done! My first Fanfic! dances around in a happy little circle Done, done, done! Now I shall celebrate in the traditional, time- honored way of all authors: PARTY! Get smashed and dance in a way very suggestive of copulation! Viva la depravity and iniquity! Woohoo!