Thanks to Aertial for the correction in the title :)
Crappy stories like this are encouraged and/or funded by Fanfiction(dot)net, Wordpad, and readers like you. Thank you.
Disclaimer: Me no own Gakuen Alice! (And this is for the CHAPTER ITSELF, since Author-chan "forgot" hers. Idiot.)
-;-
Hai-hai neeee! Author-chan here! OMG, I can't believe this is my first real fic! I mean there were the tidbits that were used in that awesome guide, but other than that, NADA~! Oh but I got a super lame beta-reader. Some idiot named Ariisha-chan who didn't even BETA it, she just kept insulting it like the whore she is and saying it was bad. LIKE REALLY? She doesn't know what she's talking about. She's barely known and can hardly write a proper story herself. And yet people still LIKE her stuff? Losers. I hate her guts. Anyways, I'm gunna show you how a REAL fic should look~!
Hotaru: You do that, now.
Author-chan: YAYYY! HOTARU BELIEVES IN ME NE~
Hotaru: I never said that you imbecile.
Mikan: Hotaru ^^' Sarcasm much?
Author-chan: Wahhh, that's so mean Hotaru-sama! T^T Author-chan put you in her story neee~!
Ruka: I don't think she wanted that in the first place.
Author-chan: H-h-huh?
Natsume: I wouldn't even want to be mentioned in this piece of crap you claim is a "story".
Author-chan: NUUUU! HOTARU-SAMA, RUKA-SAMA AND NATSUME-SAMA ARE ALL BEING MEAN TO ME T_T
Mikan: I think your story's gonna be fine, Author-chan :)
Author-chan: Yayyy~ At least SOMEONE knows how great of a writer I am!1111!
Ruka: Once again...
Hotaru: You made her say that.
Author-chan: YOU KNOW WHAT, SHUT THE HELL UP. I'M STILL THE WRITER SO I CAN JUST MAKE SURE YOU ALL DIE AND I'LL STILL HAVE AN AWESOME PLOT. SO WHATTTT. *throws everyone in pit* ANYWAYS JUST IGNORE THEM AND GO READ THE EFFING STORY.
Ruka: You're abusing the Caps Lock and asterisks again...
Mikan: And you forgot your disclaimer again...
Author-chan: Go die in quicksand. All of you.
-;-
Tsubasa: QUICK RUN WHILE SHE'S NOT LOOKING. THIS STORY IS CRAP AND WILL ONLY EVER BE SO. READING BEYOND THIS POINT MAY CAUSE YOU PERMANENT BRAIN DAMAGE AND ETERNAL SCARRING AS WELL AS EYE CANCER.
-;-
My Super Epic Story That Comes In Short Sequences by Author-chan
Summary: My first ficcy~! Yeshhh? x3 Anyways, an average day adventure at GA~ READ IT I'M BEGGING YOU.
Inspiration: That really cool guide that I used as an example for this fic, which is why it's gunna be perfect! :D
-;-
—
It was a lovely day at Alice Gakuen, just as lovely as yesterday, the day before yesterday, last week, last month, last year and the last decade had been. The sky was blue, the sun was streaming through the clouds that were fat, puffy and purely white, and...
"TSU~BA~SA!"
...everyone was happeh.
"Don't come any closer!" Tsubasa backed away quickly from his kindagaybutwon'tadmitit classmate, Rui Amane, who ran up to him with open arms. "Whaddaya want? You're ruining my rep here!"
"How mean!" Rui pouted, then smiled a wide, happy smile. "I just wanted to let you know..."
Tsubasa imagined all sorts of wonderful things: that he didn't have a massive crush on him anymore and liked someone else, that he was actually a girl and that's why s/he liked guys, that he was becoming straight...
"...that I'm pregnant."
Eh.
Rui started fidgetting adorably as he explained to Tsubasa's stone figure, "Well, I kinda realized last night how much I truly, madly, DEEPLY adore you, so I, ah...I kinda raped you in your sleep—" "WHAT?" "—and got myself pregnant by you." He giggled. "We're gonna have children together!"
And so Tsubasa ran for the mountains.
-;-
"Y-you see, sensei, the truth is...I love you!"
Hii-sama looked down at Hosshan in disgust. "Get out of here, I only like girls," she said. "And didn't you lose your Alice in the 76th chapter or something (the only time you appeared LOL)?"
"Y-yeah, but I snuck back in so I could see you..." Hosshan looked down in embarrassment. "You see, I did so much for you! WHY WON'T YOU LOVE ME?"
"I just told you. And I'll be dead before you even turn 15, which was very painful to admit so get out of here before I kill you in my rage." Hii-sama flipped open her fan in an ominous manner.
"I'M TELLING MY MOM!" Hosshan ran out crying and immediately got arrested by the Fuukitai and taken to a forever detention center for "trespassing on school property".
-;-
"UGH! I hate you, Natsume! Why do you have to be such an asstard?"
Honestly, Natsume did not know how this was happening. Approximately five seconds ago he and Mikan had been walking through Central Town very, very normally like nothing was wrong, and now she was yelling at him and calling him inappropriate names that are really not suitable for children's ears.
"What the hell is wrong with you? Is there something about the way I walk or something?" he asked, calm as ever. Hyuugas never lose their cool. Openly, that is.
"..."
"...Hm?"
"...I honestly don't know!" Mikan finally shouted. "All I know is that I hate you right now and I wish you'd fall in a bottomless pit."
"Gee, I'm touched," he said sarcastically. Mikan's cheeks puffed up and she turned red.
"Well, now I have a reason to hate you!" she yelled, walking backwards into the street. "So now I'm not pointlessly angry just to create angst and some form of a plot here! You're, like, the biggest asstard in the world. Even the ESP is less of an asstard than you. In fact, I think—" A big yellow bus with a dead dog strapped to the front came speeding down the street, but she didn't notice. "—that we should just—"
The good, honest Natsume told him to warn her.
Unfortunately the not-quite-nice, other-side-of-the-rainbow Natsume won out.
-;-
"...Fuck."
Ruka looked at Anna like she had just sniffed meth during Math for two reasons: one, because she had just inaccurately (but nonetheless) finished the statement from the above paragraph. And two, because she really just did.
"What are you doing?" Ruka hissed at her. "I could see sniffing meth during Biology or something to drown out Misaki-sensei, but why Math of all classes?" Then he paused. "And why are you swearing?"
"I'm high, an' I can, pyon pyon," she slurred. Then she screamed, "Oh my god! The rabbits! They burn! THEY BURN!"
Everyone's heads snapped towards them, and Ruka not-so-subtly kicked Anna's chair, but she kept screaming hysterically.
"OH MY GOD IT'S A SEIZURE! They're melting and hanging each other and it HURTSSS—"
"Umenomiya." Jinno was in front of Anna's desk in an instant. "Is there something you'd like to share with us?" His wand began to spark, but instantly stopped when Anna pointed at him and screamed, "It's the rapist monkey! The rapist monkey wants my virginity! And my animal crackers!"
The room went silent. Then there was a snigger. A giggle. And pretty soon, the whole room was full of shouting and hoots and never-ending laughter.
Jinno shocked Anna with his wand and she fell on the floor and was silent. Everyone went quiet faster than you could say the word after this word. Jinno turned to the class and said, "Now all of you—"
"He's got me! His monkey fingers are coursing through my organs and he's stealing my preciousness!"
Anna was now writhing on the floor in a very not-pretty suggestive way, and the noise started up again. "You can't have them! Not the crackers! No! Noooooooo..." She then passed out with her mouth open, her skirt unbuttoned and her shirt hitched up under her chest.
And no ideas for a good ending came to mind, so let's pretend everyone got detention until they graduated.
-;-
"Okay we got our yaoi but I think we need some yuri," Tono explained. "Sooooo...everyone strip and make out with each other."
All of the elementary school girls stood there and stared at him.
"...What?"
"But we already got some yuri," Unnamed Female Character 1 whined. "Hii-sama already said something related to that earlier!"
"That? Psh, it wasn't even a scene," Tono scoffed. "It was just her trying to get Hosshan off her back. We've been having problems with random unimportant characters trying to make themselves important lately. Besides," He motioned to all of the girls with a smile. "First two girls with the best scene get to date me!"
So all of the Unnamed Female Characters rushed to obey him, since screwing him would probably make themselves Named and they would get an actually good part in this. What they didn't know is that this is pedophilism and Tono was filming the whole thing to watch later because he's a pervy bastard. Okay let's go somewhere else. I'm not finishing this.
-;-
ELSEWHERE
"I'm sorry, but the surgery failed. She died," the doctor informed Natsume.
"NOOOOOO!" Natsume dropped to his knees on the floor and cried.
"We're bringing over the morgue guys and calling her parents so they can plan a funeral for her. Sorry kid." The doctor left.
-;-
"Did you tell him?" the nurse asked.
"Yeah. But actually," the doctor admitted, "the surgery didn't fail. We planned to do it tomorrow but she didn't even live an hour LOL. We just lied to him to make him feel better about it."
The nurse narrowed her eyes, then shrugged and snorted, "Obviously he doesn't feel better about it if he's still holding her corpse in a dramatic, angst-filled fashion."
"It's okay. The rigor mortis will make him want to leave soon. Now, WHO WANTS SOME COFFEE?"
-;-
"Hey Natsume, I know what'll cheer you up," Koko said cheerfully. "Okay, why did Mikan cross the road?"
Natsume looked up.
"To get hit by a bus! Ahahaha—"
-;-
Here Lies Kokoroyomi
19XX - 2011
He will be missed
-;-
"It's irritating how this is the first appearance I've made and I'm one of the most important characters in the series." Hotaru stomped into the classroom and sat down at her seat, whipping out a book and flipping it open placidly. "And Rui gets pregnant by Shadow through unnamed but probably extremely inappropriate manners, my best friend gets hit by a bus and no one tells me, Anna becomes addicted to meth that makes her see rabbits and rapist monkeys that steal animal crackers, Hosshan goes to a forever detention center, Tono becomes a mega pedo, Natsume kills Koko—hey, why is there no real character development here?"
"Because dis is crack, sista." Ruka strutted into the room cooly and sat beside Hotaru, putting his arm around her.
"Nogi. What the freak." (Sound familiar?)
"I'm hangin' with my bitch. Which is you, by the way." Ruka put his feet up on the desk. Hotaru raised an eyebrow. "And my name ain't Nogi anymore. From now on, you're gonna call me Slim Shady, 'cause dat's my name and I'm totally kewl like that and—okay, I can't do this man. Please put the gun away. Please. I take it back. You're not my bitch. I'm your bitch. Okay?"
"That's more like it." Satisfied, Hotaru went back to her book and Ruka hung his head low. "By the way, aren't you supposed to be in detention?"
-;-
"MY BOYFRIEND WAS MURDERED!"
Everyone turned as Sumire Shouda ran into the classroom frantically.
"I didn't know Cocaine was your boyfriend, Slim Shady-san," Anna said, cocking her head to the side. She was still sort of high from the meth.
"WELL HE WAS. UNTIL HE WAS KILLED. TELL ME WHO DID IT SO I CAN RIP THEIR INTESTINES OUT AND HANG THEM UP AS CHRISTMAS ORNA—"
"Chill, Shouda," Mochu said, holding his hands up. "He brought it on himself." Sumire popped a vein at that, but Mochu didn't notice as he went on, "Apparently Sakura-san got hit by a bus earlier because of Natsume—" Slide. "—and Koko made a joke about it to him that went something like, 'Why did Mika—' "
-;-
Here Lies Mochiage
19XX - 2011
He will be missed
"You guys didn't have to double-team him..."
-;-
"Yaknow, dis story is turnin out real bad," Kitsu said, shakin his head.
"Yeah," agreed Unnamed Male Character 1 in a kewl way. "Zee only thing that could make dis worse is—"
TO BE CONTINUED
(A/N: Actually I lied. The story ends right here because Godzilla came and atomic-fire-breathed the Academy so they all got an incurable cancer from the radiation, mutated and died in agony. Everyone went to heaven except the people the readers dislike. LOL SURPRISE!)
SO ACTUALLY IT'S THE END
-;-
Everyone: ...
Author-chan: See, that story was amazing wasn't it~? x3
Mikan: I got hit by a bus and died...
Hotaru: At least you weren't around for the last part. Sheesh.
Author-chan: The part with the bus was to up the angst level! And the end of the story added humor~
Koko: I wouldn't make a joke like that if Sakura-san died! *shudder* I wouldn't even THINK about making one...
Natsume: You'd better not.
Koko: Yeah, that's the reason why I WOULDN'T.
Author-chan: Oh, boo~! =3= You guys are no fun!
Ruka: People dying isn't fun.
Koko: And neither is yaoi and yuri. *coughespeciallyifyou'rehomophobiccough*
Author-chan: How biased! -_- Why do you guys suck so much?
Natsume: You make us suck.
Mikan: On a different topic, could the title you picked even fit?
Author-chan: Of course it could~! (REAL A/N: The limit for a title on FFN is about 50 characters. And that's with no spaces, just letters.)
Hotaru: We could always just call it A Really Sucky Story for short.
Author-chan: WAHHH THAT'S SO MEAN! T^T
Koko: You deserve it you psychopath!
Author-chan: YOU KNOW WHAT? You all can just die because idgaf about any of you. HOW ABOUT THAT? *sets everyone on fire* Anyways, everyone review as much as joo can! :3 Pretty-please! I'll give you (burnt) cyber cookies and write even more! And I'll finish those two stories that I said I was going to finish but didn't! And I'll make a part two for this one with only a little bit of angst but lots of laughs! So please review review review~!
Natsume: You seem to have forgotten the fact that I can manipulate fire.
Author-chan: ...
-;-
(So everyone lived and threw Author-chan in a dungeon where she starved to death or something.)
THE REAL ACTUAL END.
...Yup, definitely the last chapter.
Okay I know I dropped off the face of the Earth for awhile now, and you're wondering why I would update THIS of all things when I finally come back, and here is my answer: because I'm kewl.
Also, I know most of these aren't examples from the actual guide, but that was sort of the point because this was just stupid crack. Pardon me if I forgot anyone (although that's pretty good for them :D). And before you comment, YES, Natsume would NOT have let Mikan get hit by a bus, but it was funny. Plus this is crack. Operative word: CRACK.
Speaking of Natsume, I read chapter 153. Last page: I see Natsume in epic sexy flame-in-palm jumping position that could possibly mean death for anyone below. That's pretty freakin' hawt, no pun intended. /innerfangirl
Anyways...yeah. When you review, please type "THIS SUCKS!" somewhere in your comment and highlight all of the worst points of this story, because I'm sure everyone suffered immensely. For the lulz and evulz.
Arii's missed you all though :) And oh yeah. Don't do meth. Seriously. That's not kewl at all.
~Ariisha-chan