Author's Notes: I'm not a rap person, not at all, but perhaps Mitarashi Anko is seeping into my consciousness more than I thought. This chapter was done to the extremely explicit, extremely commercial, extremely campy lyrics of old school T-Pain and all those sell-outs that smother us all with cheap sexuality to the cadence of very badass beats.

If Anko were a DJ, I'll rock to her remixes any day.

Dedication: Idle Writer of Crack

Moral Intentions

Chapter Three: The Boy Why Cried Wolf

The Hokage was enjoying a freshly packed pipe when Naruto burst into the room.

With the patience and fortitude that came only from years of dealing with orange-clad brats, the Hokage dismissed Naruto's exclamations, shrill protests, and focused on the crucial nouns and verbs. He heard 'Anko-sensei', 'Hinata-chan', and 'kidnapped'. Suffice to say, those words were enough to alarm him. But before Sarutobi could demand details, real details, not Naruto inserting his own idiotic commentary, Iruka appeared.

"Hokage-sama, I greatly apologize for this disturbance."

"It's alright, Iruka. No one can be blamed for Naruto's antics." Sarutobi took a very-much needed draw on his pipe before he spoke again. "Naruto has been telling me that Hinata has been—if I heard correctly—kidnapped by Anko."

"Er—" Iruka coughed. "That is—"

"Iruka-sensei says Hinata has a special assignment with Anko, but I think he's just being a coward!"

"Naruto!" Iruka snapped. The Hokage stifled a chuckle and pasted a disapproving frown over his twitching mouth.

"Naruto, it's inappropriate to treat your superiors so disrespectfully."

Naruto deflated just slightly. For all his naughtiness, he really did like Iruka. Nevertheless, with his usual heart of gold, Naruto clung tightly to his original purpose.

"We have to save Hinata-chan!"

The Hokage casually waved his hand, as if brushing aside the topic. "I will personally take care of this matter. You may leave now Naruto."

"But—"

"What were you planing to do? Take on Anko yourself?"

Naruto paled. It was to his credit that he didn't immediately bolt out of the office.

"But Hinata-chan," Naruto said weakly.

"Hinata will come to no harm. I promise that." The Hokage sighed. "It's really just a big misunderstanding. Hinata is doing a favor for Anko." The Hokage tried his best to be vague. "Something that has to do with Hyuuga business," the Hokage lied glibly.

"Oh," Naruto nodded, trying his best to look as if he understood. Iruka inwardly rolled his eyes. He was willing to bet that Naruto had no idea who the Hyuuga actually were, only that they were someone important.

"Now, shoo, before I tell Anko you're gossiping about her."

Even Academy students knew that Mitarashi Anko hated gossips.

Naruto bolted. Iruka would have bolted right after him if the Hokage hadn't caught his eye and gave him an ominous look.

"Hokage-sama?" Iruka said, his voice almost as weak as Naruto's had been.

The Hokage let Iruka stew and sweat for a good sixty seconds before he finally took pity on the poor Chuunin.

"It's not exactly something we want people to know about, but it isn't classified either."

"Excuse me?"

"Hinata really does have a special assignment with Anko."

Iruka's eyes bulged.

"You mean—"

"It's above your clearance," the Hokage said simply, with just a hint of steel in his voice. "Quite unintentionally, you have stumbled upon this little fact. While I won't muzzle you an official order, I would appreciate it if this does not become common knowledge."

Iruka gulped. "Y-yes, Hokage-sama." Really, the Hokage didn't have to threaten him. Iruka wouldn't touch anything that had to do with Mitarashi Anko with a ten-foot pole.

Men who stayed too long within Anko's vicinity had a habit of losing their masculinity, be it through a loss of male dignity or a true physical loss of—

No, Iruka did not want to think of the detalis.

The Hokage stifled another chuckle as he watched Iruka's face twitch, twist, and then blanch. "Good. Then we'll pretend this whole incident never happened. Naruto's memory is flighty enough he'll forget it soon enough, and if he doesn't—distract him with something. That's an order."

Iruka bowed and muttered his acquiescence, all the while thinking that maybe being an Academy instructor wasn't the best idea after all. And the ANBU thought he had it easy.

"One more thing, Iruka."

"Yes, Hokage-sama."

"I would prefer it if Hyuuga-sama doesn't hear about Hinata's latest… indiscretion."

Iruka read between the lines well enough. He bowed again.

It wasn't as if he wanted to be the one to tell Hyuuga Hiashi his daughter was skipping class.

Still, despite the Hokage's words, Naruto's memory proved to be surprisingly tenacious. The next day, Naruto was actually on time, if only so he could corner a blushing, wide-eyed Hinata.

"Are you alright?" he demanded.

A normal Hinata would have blushed, perhaps stammered something barely-coherent, and then squeaked a retreat. Unfortunately, ever since Anko had blasted into Hinata's life, normal had ceased to exist, and Hinata was drowsy, courtesy of a more-excitable-than-usual Anko who had been so overcome with glee about her guppy's truancy that she insisted on late-night practice.

Drowsy Hinata promptly fell apart.

"I—I—ah, t-that is—"

Uchiha Sasuke cracked an eye open at the sound of incessant, irritating stammers. He narrowed his eyes dangerously. But, much to his inner shock, Hinata didn't even deign to notice. What was this?

Poor Naruto was utterly bewildered at the stream of consonants and vowels.

"Hey—" Naruto grabbed Hinata's arm. Naruto's fingers were strong, insistent with worry.

Normally, Hinata would have been thrilled. Unfortunately, underneath Hinata's thick jacket, her arm was a healthy swollen purple, also courtesy of Anko's overwhelming glee. The arm didn't hurt much as long as Hinata moved carefully but—

Another girl would have recoiled and shrieked. Hinata being Hinata, she didn't dare do something so rude and cruel, especially to Uzumaki Naruto. So instead, Hinata promptly fainted.

For once, it wasn't Sakura shrieking "Naruto-baka". Ino, who had been surreptitiously watching, jumped up and promptly proved her lung capacity were that much larger than her pink-haired friend. As impressive as Ino was however, she soon broke her own record when the whole class joined her in roaring.

Why was the class roaring, you ask?

Dear reader, as any Academy student can tell you, it wasn't unusual to see Sasuke shoving around Naruto. After all, everyone shoved Naruto around. Although Sasuke did it less so than the others, even Sasuke had his days. However, after Sasuke finished shoving Naruto around, he usually returned to his seat and resumed that gloomy, distant stare that made girls universally faint and croon. Uchiha Sasuke didn't, doesn't, should not by any universe's logic, be holding Hyuuga Hinata.

But there they stood, all the same.

Rumor had it that Mitarashi Anko was omniscient. For the few people she deigned to bother on a semi-regularly basis, all of them claimed that Anko had the uncanny ability to appear at the worst times possible. Asuma and Kurenai had been caught in enough compromising situations—and positions!—that they were secretly sure Anko was keeping a running tally. (She was). Although Uchiha Itachi had been just the right age to merit a bit of Anko-watching before he summarily escaped, too sticky from his parent's blood for even Anko's extreme tastes, Sasuke had drifted underneath the radar for the most part.

Until now.

"So you're the guppy that rescued my little guppy from the big, bad evil fox."

Uchiha Sasuke did not gulp. He did not tremble. He merely raised an eyebrow and told himself that he was not intimidated. Sasuke was so busy telling himself he was not intimidate, he forgot to ask why Anko referred to Hinata as hers, or why Anko was talking about foxes.

"I knew my guppy wasn't the brightest of the bunch, but really, of all the mind-numbing things she could have done, to fangirl on that blasted thing?" Anko muttered as she perched on the bed rail.

People had called Naruto all sorts of names that Sasuke had no problem understanding who "that blasted thing" was. People had also said the evilness that is "fangirl" far too times in Sasuke's presence that he had even less problem understanding what kind of relationship Anko was describing.

Sasuke blinked. Once. Twice.

Anko couldn't help but blink herself. "You didn't know?"

Honestly, Sasuke hadn't.

"Guess you're not as observant as you think you are," Anko drawled, correctly reading Sasuke's almost-but-not-quite-blank face.

Sasuke bristled. "Why should I care about—"

Anko slapped the back of Sasuke's head. "Don't give me that crap, guppy. There's no such shit as selective focus. You either know what's going on or you don't." She rolled her eyes and resisted the urge to jab him with something sharp. "You're fucking pride will get you killed some day, and it won't be the epic boom kind. You'll be taken out by a some civilian's stray arrow or some shit like that—and if you throw a tantrum, I'm going to throw a tantrum back."

Sasuke stayed seated.

"Just telling you the truth. It's your choice whether to listen." Anko gave a dramatic pause. "Your brother would have listened."

It was a mark of Sasuke's sense of self-preservation that he remained in his chair. Still, Sasuke was an Uchiha, and he wasn't about the let the remark pass. Killing intent rolled off his body in thick, oddly mature waves. Anko, despite the careful blase curl of her lips, was privately impressed.

Why, he almost reminded her of herself.

"Will you stop provoking the boy? It's making the air taste bad."

"You were supposed to remain out of sight," Anko said blandly. But in what was becoming an all-too-familiar gesture, Kyoya ignored her. He slithered out of the shadow of Hinata's pillow and drew himself to his modest height, peering intently at Sasuke.

"Your orders were relevant to the girl. You didn't say anything about this boy," Kyoya hissed. His voice sunk into a low, pleased purr. "Almost as good as the girl. Not quite, but almost. We wouldn't mind if you gave him the contract either."

"Hey, I'm not your recruitment babe!" Anko scowled. Kyoya tilted his head in a version of a snake-frown and opened his little fanged jaw, no doubt to ask what a "recruitment babe" was. Sasuke didn't care to discuss the definitions of obscene words however.

"Can I touch him?" Sasuke breathed. For the first time in a long time, his eyes looked his age.

"He's not a pet," Anko muttered even as Kyoya, quite happily, slipped around Sasuke's wrists. Sasuke gently stroked the green snake, hands more gentle than his callused palms would suggest.

Anko hummed thoughtfully. For a snake, Kyoya was an excellent judge of character, and anyone who treated snakes as nicely—yes, Anko did actually have this word in her vocabulary—as Sasuke couldn't be too bad. Anko casually ignored the little sane voice in her head that screamed Uchiha was always, always synonymous with danger. After all, she had a whole lifetime's experience of flipping off that annoying instinct.

Hinata stirred. Kyoya dropped off of Sasuke's arms and was gone by the time Hinata opened her eyes.

"Ah, you're awake!" Anko poked Hinata with the blunt end of a kunai. "You fainted, from pain I hope. If it's any other reason, you owe me a hundred push-ups."

"Hnn—Uchiha-san!" Hinata jerked upright, almost smashing her head into Anko's jaw.

Sasuke twitched. He hadn't forgotten the fact that this girl was one of the dobe's fan girl. Not that he liked fan girls, but really—Sasuke pretended he was disturbed. Not fascinated, in the way humans have a sick fascination for strange things.

"You fainted," Sasuke said calmly.

"Oh." Hinata flushed, turning into the most fascinating shade of red. Like a tomato. Sasuke liked tomatos.

Uchiha Sasuke did not just think that.

When in doubt, punch something. When in a situation where punching would absolutely guarantee an retaliation from Mitarashi Anko, bolt.

Sasuke bolted.

"Anko-sensei… did I do something wrong?" Hinata asked quizzically as Sasuke's footsteps pattered away.

"Hm? No," Anko said.

"Sensei?" Hinata hesitantly asked.

"Sasuke's a nice boy isn't he?"

There's a saying that prolonged exposure makes you used to anything. At that moment, Hinata would beg to differ.

"Nice?" Hinata squeaked.

"Very."

Hinata almost sighed with relief when Anko dragged her off to the training grounds. At least that was normal, or at least as normal as life with Mitarashi Anko got.

Yamanaka Ino narrowed her eyes. She had very pretty blue eyes, so it was almost a shame for her to narrow them, but the very act of her narrowing her eyes at Uchiha Sasuke made it all worth it in Nara Shikamaru's opinion.

Ino, who was never the most subtle of persons, was like a open book to Shikamaru.

"Puzzlement, distress, curiosity, disdain, curiosity, puzzlement, jealousy, more curiosity," Shikamaru muttered underneath his breath as he listed the emotions flickering over Ino's face. Curiosity killed the cat. Satisfaction, or in this case Shikamaru, brought it back; or at least made sure it survived long enough that his mother wouldn't come roaring at him for not protecting "cute, sweet Ino, aka Ino my future daughter-in-law."

Bah. Troublesome.

"Yo." Shikamaru emphasized his call by kicking the back of her chair in pure, classic primary-school-boy-style. Ino was not amused.

"Stop being so childish," Ino snapped.

Shikamaru snorted. "And you're so mature, aren't you?"

Like he suspected, those words were worth at least a good hour of bickering. By the time they finished, Ino would hopefully have forgotten why she was upset in the first place. Not that Shikamaru wasn't amused to see Ino upset at Sasuke, but still—

For reasons he refused to think about too closely, an upset Ino was an unacceptable Ino.

Troublesome.

What can I said? Rap warped my brain. This was supposed to be a serious characterization fic, and it still is; I just decided to take a humor hike for a chapter. Forgive me? Or don't forgive me if you actually liked this chapter?

I don't know if you don't tell me. :) Clickity-click the review button.