A/N: I'm currently typing this in Florida. :D It's quite lovely here.

So, this has been floating around in my head for a while, and I finally decided to post it. I can't say when this will be updated, but I'll figure something out.

This is unapologetically cracky. I regret nothing.

Thank you very much to HereWeGoOnceMore for all of the beta work.

Entry 1

Today, I decided that I am going to travel across the globe to conquer the world and get revenge on a dead Pharaoh using a card game and an ancient Egyptian mind-controlling artifact.

...That sounded way better in my head.

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Revenge: The Journal (Which is So Not a Diary) of a Teenaged Criminal Mastermind on His Quest for Supreme Domination

Also Known As: A Recording of Events That are Actually so Much Cooler Than They Sound

Previously Known As: Why the Hell is This My Life?

By Malik Ishtar

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Entry 2

Never, ever pick "huge-ass boat" as your method of transportation on your world domination quest. Go for a nice jet. Or maybe a magic carpet.

Just don't pick boat.

Shit. I think I'm going to be—

Dammit.

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Entry 3

Seasickness has passed. Mostly. Anyway, I am Malik Ishtar, bearer of the Millennium Rod and heir to the line of Tomb Keepers.

... Which is something I probably shouldn't be writing down in a very readable book.

Damn un-erasable pen.

I am sixteen years old. Really. And you can just shut up about it, because how many teenagers do YOU know of who can steal a fucking boat and not even get caught?

... Probably not very many, since you're a book.

I need to find myself some friends. Preferably ones that I don't have to mentally enslave.

Entry 4

Finding time to write is hard when you're trying to take over the world. Today, for example, I spent three hours testing copies of my Indestructible God Card of Doom (tm).

It... didn't go so well.

My wood floor is ruined. As are my shoes.

Maybe the copy machine is broken.

Entry 5

The problem was not the copier, although it IS broken and tried to eat my cape. Seriously. There is now a giant hole, and the machine is smoking rather
ominously.

The problem, it turns out, is the bitch of a god apparently living in the god card.

You'd think I would have figured that out sooner.

Also, my floor is still covered in brain gook. FML.

Entry 6

Still testing IGCoD(tm). It went a little more smoothly today. Even better, we got the copier fixed. I am now free to continue to duplicate my employees' bank information.

What? Being a child prodigy does not actually pay as well as one might think.

Anyway, they're mind-slaves. They're not exactly in need of cash.

Entry 7

Been at sea for about a week now. Starting to get reeeaallly sick of the color blue.

Entry 8

They washed my white shirts with the purple cape today. Seriously, you give a mind-slave one simple task...

Also, the copy machine's broken again. Someone stuck a potato in it.

I swear, nothing works on this ship.

Entry 9

Today, Odion heard me bitching out one of the mind-slaves for the Potato Incident (really, just because the thing is on fire does not mean it's your personal stove) and got upset. He told me that I need to stop calling them mind-slaves. Apparently, it's "demoralizing."

I never should have let him read those psychology books. He's started hanging up motivational posters all over my boat.

"To get where you're going, start where you're at!"

Does that make any sense at all? I started where I started, which, I'll have you know, was not a fully-furnished boat. It was a hole. I mean, seriously. Not just like, "Oh, man, I hate my house, it's such a shithole." I mean, I literally grew up in a hole in the ground.

It sucked.

And:

"Appearance is everything: dress for success!"

I don't even know where he got that one. Floor-length purple robes are perfectly acceptable outfits.

Oops. Someone's stuck in the copy machine again. So THAT's why it keeps smoking...

Entry 10

Odion confronted me about the whole mind-slave thing again. I'm supposed to be brainstorming new names for my co-workers. I'm thinking "Zombie Interns." Or "Republicans."

Entry 11

Odion rejected my name ideas. He also vetoed:

Bitches

Lackeys

Gophers

Purple Raiders

And Super Sexy Egyptian Gods of DOOM.

That man has no creativity, I tell you.

Entry 12

We finally decided on a name. My mind-slaves are now officially the Rare Hunters. You know. Because we… hunt…. For… rare cards. And... stuff.

...I like Super Sexy Egyptian Gods of DOOM better.