Summary: During the Wave mission, Naomi is sliced nearly in half by Zabuza. In a desperate bid to survive, she casts her humanity aside and takes up the mantle of 'No-Life Queen.' Slight Naruto/Hellsing crossover; fem!Naruto with the powers of Alucard=Godlike Naomi. Insane, very sadistic Naomi; RipVanWinkleLike!Tenten; Naomi/Tenten/Alucard; Vamp!Gaara/Anko/Seras.

I own neither Naruto nor Hellsing. They belong Masashi Kishimoto and Kouta Hirano respectively. This was inspired by fenris187's "Naruto: Born By Will".

Prologue

How could it have come to this- her, bisected at the waist, lying in a pool of her own blood, organs splayed across the ground, by Zabuza's sword on some stupid bridge in some backass country nobody in their right mind would ever care about or remember? Okay, maybe that was a little harsh, but it was still true.

She'd wanted to make an entrance, to show how cool she was. She should have known that that eyebrowless freak was going to throw his fucking man-sized butcher's knife at her, but her own damned showmanship and stupidity wouldn't let her go unnoticed for long.

What a ninja she would have made, right?

'No… NO! HELL NO! I'm not going out like this! I WILL survive! No matter WHAT it takes!' Naomi screamed in her head, unaware of the fate that she had just created for herself with those words. She was also unaware of the fact that the false hunter-nin, the one that had entrapped Sasuke within a hall of ice mirrors, had just thrown himself in front of Zabuza to shield his master from his enraged opponent, her teacher, whose hand was coated in lightning.

The attack, appropriately dubbed "Raikiri" or "Lightning Blade", had torn through the ice-wielder's chest, completely destroying his heart, leaving his blood to erupt and pour all over the bridge, and in even larger amounts as his corpse was slashed in half by his own master in a futile attempt at a counterattack.

Blood that, unbeknownst to anyone at the moment, began to seep towards Naomi.

The young blonde had been just barely clinging to life when a strange liquid, sticky and copper-tasting, brushed against her lips. She would have wondered what the liquid was, but her vision was beginning to fade; she needed to replenish her lost fluids, so without another thought and with the last ounces of strength in her, she began to lap up the strange liquid.

As Naomi continued to drink, she felt her strength return, then double, triple; quadruple even! Not knowing what was happening but liking it and not caring, she quickened her pace, not even stopping when she felt her lower half reattach itself with the aid of a strange shadowy substance that had emerged from the bottom of her torso. She did, however, pause slightly as memories that were not her own began assaulting her; happiness that came from the warmth of a family not her own, despair and terror that came from the betrayal of her not-father killing her not-mother and attempting to strike not-her down, euphoria and happiness when accepted by Zabuza, and going all the way to meeting herself and putting Sasuke in a near-death state.

Slightly drunk on the power that was quickly reaching even greater heights inside of her, Naomi was nonetheless aware enough to hear something dark, cold, and vile within her mutter the word, "Vampire". She also heard something else; something that begged her to stop while she still could, while she was still human, while she was still sane, but she ruthlessly crushed that voice and lapped up the last of the- blood? Not surprising; that voice did say "vampire" after all- blood that had allowed her to not only live on, but to gain this amazing power. She felt like she could do anything, and what she wanted most in the world right now…

Was to get her face off the cold-ass concrete of the bridge.

(Line Break)

The birth of a Vampire, a true vampire, an ancient predator that was practically drenched in unnatural and dark power, was not something to be ignored; the instant the blood had touched Naomi's tongue and the shadows had flowed from her, something swept across the continent, awakening the part of the brain that governed survival and sending it into a foaming frenzy, telling the brain to run away, run far away fast, must get away. This effect was heavily concentrated on the bridge, the place of her rebirth, and all were caught in its sway.

Her teacher, a man named Kakashi Hatake, had been through many things: his father's suicide, the death of his best friend, the Third Shinobi World War, the attack of the Nine-Tailed Demon Fox; he'd been through all of them, and had come out, more often than not, smelling like roses. He was a man who had taken his first life at six years old and had suppressed the horror that had come about as a result. He was a man who'd buried his instincts beneath cold, hard intellect and logic, and he wasn't a man who scared easily.

The very instant that… something swept across him, however, all that shit went straight to the dogs; it was like he was a child again, scared of the dark and the monsters he knew to be in it. His body locked up, despite his brain screaming at him to run, and he could barely breathe. He could tell that Zabuza was in the same state.

Then the power came down with the fury of an angry god, forcing both shinobi down on all fours, gasping for breath. Never before had either of them EVER felt something like this; so cold, so dark, so… hungry. What was truly horrifying about it, however, was the fact that it was doubling in strength every second.

'My god…' Kakashi thought in cold horror. 'It's… even greater than the Kyubi!"

(Line Break)

Kakashi was, unfortunately, right. You see, when a True Vampire drinks blood, it takes the entire essence of its victim- whether human or no- into themselves, including their memories and powers, claiming their very souls as their familiars, or servants. When Naomi consumed the blood of the ice-wielder, a boy named Haku, she not only obtained his powers over ice, but his knowledge of every jutsu he knew. This, however, was not the cause of her rapidly swelling powers.

It was the Nine-Tailed Demon Fox- the Kyubi- that had bestowed so much power upon her, the demon now simply a familiar to its former container. How this came to be is simple: though the Fox had been bound to Naomi since two minutes after she had been born, its spirit was, nevertheless, different from her own, just as Haku's was, and the soul-capturing powers of a Vampire do not discriminate; man, woman, demon or angel, all are consumed and enslaved.

Thus did Naomi Uzumaki ascend to the title of "No-Life Queen" in an instant, rather than the traditional millennia or so. With power unimaginable and freed from the constraints of human sanity, all those that thought themselves superior to her will suffer her wrath. Starting with the one that had dared try to take her life.

How did that saying go? Oh yes…

Let the bodies hit the floor.

Prologue end.

Hello. Are you lost? No? Then welcome, my friends, to the first chapter of "Of Monsters and Kunai" (a better title shall be posted when I think of it)! First of all, let's get a few things straight:

Though he won't show up until, at the earliest, chapter three, Sarutobi, aka the Third, will NOT be a spineless bitch-ass punk to the civilian council. I FUCKING HATE fics that have the so-called "God of Shinobi" be nothing more than a spineless jellyfish, and I believe I've taken a unique turn with the old monkey, and am looking forward to everyone's reaction to him. The members of the civilian council do not exist. Neither does Danzō and Root; nor for that matter, do Koharu and Homura. I am NOT removing the latter four from canon- there will be an explanation for it all. I FAIL at fight and lemon scenes (though the latter won't show up until MUCH later), but I'll try my best for you guys- and girls. Can't forget the fairer sex. This story is pretty much simple fan-service, similar to the first two volumes of Hellsing, but like Hellsing, I'm hoping that will go away and just become good writing a few chapters in. If not, well I tried.

Right off the bat, you probably shouldn't take this story too seriously. This was just an interesting experiment to "pop my fanfiction cherry", as it were; however, I shall continue to work on, and think up new ideas for, this story. It will be fraught with clichés and, more than likely, bound to fail, but if you can get past all that, you'll probably enjoy it.