Don't know why I'm writing this. I just AM.

The Wizard's Driving Companion
A Guide to the Roads for Purebloods, Half-bloods and Death Eaters
By Rodolphus Lestrange

If you are reading this book, I would first like to thank you for paying the reasonable price for this helpful guide.

If you are currently screaming in protest that the price for this book was not reasonable, thank you very much, then I would like to point out that, at the time of publication there were no other driving guides. This is the only one not published by Muggles, and therefore the only one specifically written for people who may have never set foot in one of those metal deathtraps those Muggles are so fond of. So unless you want to read a guide that treats automobiles as perfectly safe conveyances, then you had best shut up and keep reading.

(Seriously. Shut up and read. And don't even think about complaining to me. My wife hasn't killed anything in a while and she's getting antsy.)

In this guide you will find everything you need to survive the roads. Muggles would have you think that their streets are perfectly safe, except for the odd driver who happens to be drunk or angry or simply clueless. Well, I am here to tell you that this view is rubbish. If you get behind the wheel (a quaint Muggle way to say "go driving") thinking that these Muggles are right and all you need to do is observe the rules of the road and you'll still be alive by the time you reach your destination, then you may as well give my dear wife your address, because you will not be alive much longer anyway.

Saying the roads are dangerous is like saying the Dark Lord is bald and Dumbledore has a beard. Saying the roads are a treacherous tangle of asphalt and cheaply made buildings that make Azkaban look like a primary school is more accurate. Those roads are dangerous, and not something to be entered casually. And by "casually," I mean "unarmed."

Proper Gear

I know what those nice people down at Muggle Relations told you. "Keep your wand in the glove compartment," they say. "The less temptation you have to use magic, the better." They probably also told you that driving is a simple task and you'll catch on in no time. Well, there's a reason those pansies went into Muggle Relations, and sure as hell ain't the money.

Let me make one thing perfectly clear: You are not a good driver. Most Muggles aren't, but if it came down to a contest, you would be worse by far. And since you are most likely used to Apparating, flying or Flooing wherever you need to go, the chances of you improving your driving skills are negligible. And since Muggles, despite being only marginally better at driving than wizards, are notoriously intolerant of terrible drivers, you will need to defend yourself when your driving skills are called into question.

When preparing to drive, place your wand in the passenger seat—or, better yet, in your lap. Recite the spells you think you'll need under your breath as you gather the rest of your weapons. Some examples of useful spells include:

Sectumsempra

Imperius Curse

Confundus Charm

Tire-Exploding Curse (my own invention)

Engine-Expelling Curse (another invention by yours truly)

Voice-Amplification Charm (for yelling at other drivers)

Memory Charms

I'd advise against using the Killing and Cruciatus Curses, because that will incapacitate the driver and give you yet another obstacle to negotiate that hideous chunk of metal around. Not to mention the investigation by the Muggle authorities, and all the nosey little questions by the Ministry of Magic. Or, if you feel you must use those curses, use them on a deserted country road, late at night, with no witnesses. That way, when the driver crashes into the first available obstacle, everyone—Muggle and wizard—will assume the idiotic driver simply died on impact.

But I'm getting ahead of myself.

Your wand is, by far, the most important weapon. Knives are also useful when an angry Muggle comes and knocks at your window for making some mistake he made a dozen times over. If you do choose to knife him up a bit, I'd suggest a basic Memory Charm to confuse him when he calls the Muggle authorities.

Now, it is rare that you will encounter a Muggle as prepared for the rigors of the road as you are. But they do exist, and there is a chance you will run into one. This Muggle is easily recognized by his Kevlar vest (a thick black vest that can stop all but the fastest and largest bullets) his gun (probably a pistol, which is rather small for a gun) and his two-way radio. Muggles call these men cops, and they are charged with tracking down and disposing of prepared drivers. Avoid them at all costs, but try not to kill them, as the death of a cop often makes the newspapers and is grounds for a drawn-out and tiresome investigation.

Before climbing in your car, it is a good idea to place a Shield Charm around it. This will protect your car from drivers who think it is funny to run into other cars. These drivers, after colliding with your car, will often climb out and pretend to be very sorry for what they did. They will then ask for your insurance information. Do not be fooled by their friendliness. What they really want is your name so they can steal your money, claiming it is for repairs. To avoid this situation, a Shield Charm is your best bet.

It is also wise to have a method of contacting your friends. Owls are fairly reliable, but slow, and it is dangerous to release them in the daytime. It doesn't much matter what you use, really; so long as you can quickly bring your friends and/or the Dark Lord to your side if you run into trouble on the road.

These weapons I have just mentioned are indispensable, but hardly the limit. If you have any other weapons you think might protect you on those roads, don't hesitate to bring them along.

Proper Mindset

"Clear your mind. Don't drive angry. Road rage never solved anything."

When will you stop listening to those idiots at Muggle Relations?

Once you have your weapons in place, you're ready to drive. Climb into the driver's seat, and slam the door as you get inside. Think back on the last argument you had. It could be with your friend, your children, your wife over the amount of time she spends daydreaming about the Dark Lord, never mind that you used Legilimency to get that information, what's important is that you have it and what the bloody hell is she thinking, he's nowhere near as good looking as you...

Sorry.

Anyway, think back to that argument. Focus on it. Let the rage overwhelm your senses. Grip the steering wheel with both hands. Growl a little. Dig your fingernails into the cheap rubber. When you begin fantasizing about punching small animals, you're ready for the roads.

Tell me what you think!