DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M GOING TO DO

A/N: Part 2 to "Going Through Changes." This follows Sharon, Stan, and Shelley the first week through their new life. Hope you enjoy.

One week. It had been one week since Stan received the news his parents were getting a divorce. One would expect it to be the worst thing ever, and in ways, it was. Stan hated that he knew that's what his father wanted to talk about when he walked into his room one week ago and told him the bad news. It wasn't any easier when his mother had a talk with him the day after. So Stan was prepared. He was prepared with all he needed to know in order to move onto his new life. That week had gone by surprisingly fast for him, it was the fact that by then, nothing seemed to be going his way.

Randy had been quick to pack up his things. As soon as he told his kids what was going to happen did he and Sharon find a realtor to put 2001 Bonanza Street for sale. Randy worked tirelessly into the night to gather his belongings and pack it into a U-Haul. He would be staying with his half-brother Jimbo until he had time to find a place of his own. Meanwhile, Sharon had her own things to get together. While she and the kids began to put their own things in boxes she went out of her way to find a new home for them. She didn't want to burden anyone by staying at their house with both her children.

Luckily her best friend Abbie Kielfer joined her in looking for a home. While Sharon did want to find an actual house she didn't know if it would be the best idea. It would indeed be a lot of time, effort, and money to own one and there weren't many options out there for renting one. The closest option she came to was a charming one-level three-bedroom home on a large lot yet the owner of the house expected the renters to follow their ridiculous gardening resume. Not to mention the dozens of security cameras watching your every move. When driving around town Sharon saw a young man spinning a sign at the corner of the street advertising new apartment homes ahead. On a whim, Sharon and Abbie found themselves on the outskirts of town and at an apartment complex called White Creek Apartments. Sharon liked what she saw when the office management showed her one of the units for rent.

"I really love this unit Jolene," Sharon smiled at the apartment manager.

"Well as of this can be yours as soon as three days. We can meet in the office downstairs and talk everything over if you'd like."

"Are you sure Sharon?" asked friend Abbie. "You've never lived in an apartment before. Do you think the kids would like it?"

Sharon frowned. "I'm sure they will once we get settled in. I know they are used to more space but if it's just the three of us I really think we can make this work. The bedrooms are a fair size. And I'm sure Stanley will enjoy the backyard outside."

So it was settled, Sharon filled out the paperwork that day and the next got the keys to the unit on the second floor. Everyone was on a time crunch now so she had no chance to show Shelley or Stanley their new home just yet. But she knew they would love living there. Randy had talked to the kids on a Wednesday and by the following Sunday, he had packed up and moved out. Sharon stood at the front door as she watched him shut the U-Haul's ramp door.

"Well, this is it," he had sighed.

"Yes," was all Sharon could say.

Randy bent down to give his kids a hug. Shelley looked a little sad yet Stan was avoiding his father's eyes. "Don't worry kids, I'll see you this weekend okay? Remember, this is for the best. Trust me."

Trust him. Stan could have laughed right then if he hadn't forgotten how to do so. Only when Randy started up the U-Haul did he bother to look up. He didn't want to see his dad leave what used to be the Marsh Family House so he stepped inside where his sister and mother were. He still had a lot of packing to do himself although he could hardly do it. Sharon had the help of the Broflovskis and Stotches to wrap up the packing and loading into their own U-Haul. All the while Stan had sat on the stairs as he watched Mr. Broflovski and Mr. Stotch go up and down them, but there wasn't any sign of his friends. Not like he was expecting them since they had all decided to ditch him now. He just sat there, head in hands, doing nothing but blink as the house he had spent all his short life in was being loaded into a van.

Stan slept in his sleeping bag on his last night at his house and was woken up early in the morning by Shelley looking down at him.

"Mom wants to start putting away the last of the things in the van after she picks up breakfast from Wendell's Burgers. She wants to know what you want," Shelley said softly. Stan could hear the pain in her voice.

Stan shrugged and yawned. "Doesn't matter, everything pretty much tastes like shit now."

Shelley rolled her eyes. "I'll tell her you want a bacon and egg croissant since you like those."

Again, Stan shrugged. He had almost forgotten what bacon really tasted like anyway. When Sharon arrived with breakfast she and the kids ate on the floor before it was time to leave the house for the final time. (Stan hardly ate his croissant sandwich). Again, the parents of Stan's friends showed up to help load and unload but Kyle, Cartman, Kenny, or Butters did not show up. Sharon did a walk-through of the house after the very last box was placed inside the U-Haul. She sighed as she lingered in the doorway of her children's rooms.

"So many memories… so many countless times I've scolded you after you did something to your brother and sent you here," Sharon said to Shelley who stood by her side.

Shelley looked at her old room sadly. Sharon turned to her son's bedroom and looked at its purple walls.

"All those nights I've spent, trying to get you to fall asleep Stanley…"

Stan hardly looked up, his face empty of emotion.

A tear rolled down Sharon's eye as she looked around the house. Too many memories. All would be difficult to leave behind but she knew this was the best thing for everyone. She couldn't live here in the house she was supposed to live and grow old with Randy in. Even if it was going to take a lot to move away, she had to. She had a beautiful new place to call home and with time it would be equally as hard to leave that one. At 9:00 Sharon went back into the house when she realized Stan was taking too long inside and had yet to jump into the car. She found him sitting in the middle of the floor, eyes gazing up towards his window.

"Stanley sweetie? We have to leave now," she said gently.

Two minutes past before Stan finally got to his feet; his eyes were glazed over but he didn't allow his tears to fall. Instead he took one last look at his old bedroom and allowed his mother to lead him out. He got into his mom's car and turned around to see the deep turquoise house grow smaller and smaller before they turned a corner and it was out of sight. He sighed as he faced forward in his seat. Sharon could sense her kids' uneasiness so she tried to lighten the mood.

"Now I know this will take some time to get used to but I think this is going to be a good change for us sweethearts," Sharon spoke as she drove. "The new apartment is close by so we will still be living in South Park, although just near the outskirts of the town. But close enough we will still be in town and you can get to school easily and see your friends just as often." Sharon glanced into her rearview mirror at her son in the backseat. He made no notion he had heard her. "I know this is a big change for all of us Stanley but I know you will like our new home."

"I don't want to live in an apartment, it's going to be too small," Shelley spoke.

Sharon sighed. "Yes it will be smaller than the house but in terms of apartments it really is roomy and updated and very clean. I'm sure you both will like it."

Stan spent the ride to the apartment looking out the window, eyes still burning but otherwise making no indication he knew what was going on. Half of what his mother had just said was shit anyway so it didn't really matter. He felt he had no say in anything anyway so it was best to just shut his trap and do whatever his mom asked him to. There was no point in arguing. No point in crying. No point in throwing a fit. It wouldn't give him the life he knew and loved back. It wouldn't give him anything he needed back.

It had been a short eight minute ride before the car stopped and Sharon turned it off.

"Well kids, this is it; this is our new home," Sharon said, trying to be upbeat.

His mother and sister stepped out so Stan felt like he had no choice but to do the same. He decided to look up and saw a grand new apartment building with a sign out front reading White Creek Apartment Homes. This now marked the third set of apartments going up in the past couple years which meant the town was indeed expanding and the population growing. He noticed the moving van parked out as well as Mr. Broflovski's and Mr. Stotch's cars. They were going to be helping them move in today. Great.

Before Sharon led her kids into their apartment she placed a hand on her son's shoulder and steered him towards the back, excited to show him something.

"I wanted you to see this before we go inside sweetie. Look! They have a yard for all the kids in the complex to play in! isn't that great?"

Stan glanced at the grassy area and saw a single swing and sandbox.

"I know it's not much now but I heard word they are going to expand soon. There's going to be more swings, a slide, and even some monkey bars. That sounds fun, right?" Stan didn't reply back. "It's a lot better than the yard back at the house," Sharon continued. "There wasn't much there. Just an old tree with your clubhouse that- I mean, well…" she bit her lip knowing she had said too much.

Stan didn't say anything, just hung his head. Sharon took this as a sign it was time to show the kids the home. There's was on level two of three. They took the enclosed elevator up and walked down the hall and stopped at number 354.

"Well kids, this is home," Sharon unlocked the door and they stepped inside.

Stan blinked heavy eyes as he followed after his mother as she showed them the living room, kitchen, three bedrooms, and two bathrooms. It wasn't much. The place was very clean with white and beige walls and cabinets and he didn't like it. It felt too sterile. The floors were a light brown that resembled wood but was actually a good-quality laminate. All in all it didn't feel like home at all and Stan was sure it would take forever until it did- if it ever did.

Minutes into looking around the apartment did Stan hear the front door open and everyone's boxes and items began to arrive. Mr. Broflovski, Mr. Stotch, the man driving the moving van, his mother, and sister worked tirelessly that day unloading everything into the home. This was time-consuming since everything had to be taken up into the elevator and down the hall before reaching the desired location. Currently he was standing in the middle of the living room staring outside the window.

"What room do you want turd?" spoke a voice suddenly behind him.

Stan looked up to see Shelley standing there. She hadn't yet appeared to him as crap yet, maybe because he already saw her as such most days when he felt normal anyway.

"Huh?" Stan could only shrug.

"Look, I know this sucks right now but I'm trying to be nice. One room is bigger but is close to the living room. The other is smaller but has a better view. Which one do you want so we know where to dump your crap in?" Shelley said crossing her arms.

Stan shrugged as he looked at his shoes. "First one I guess…" he said in a whisper.

Shelley nodded and went over to Mr. Stotch. "You can dump that in the first bedroom," she told him, nodding to her brother's baseball toy box under one arm and a box labeled Stan's Books in the other.

Stan had hardly done anything to help throughout the day. It wasn't that he was being rude or ungrateful; he simply didn't know how to feel. The only thing he could do was follow his mother's directions, one which was to help Mr. Broflovski put his bed together that evening. It was a little awkward to be in the presence of Kyle's father during that hour but then again, Stan hardly said anything unless spoken to anyway. The bed was the last project for the day. Gerald sat up and wiped the sweat from his forehead.

"Boy, that was almost as tricky putting together as it was taking it apart!" he exclaimed.

Stan just sat there staring.

Gerald faced him. "Well, your bed's all set Stan, you just need to dig in one of these boxes to find your sheets!" he chuckled but stopped when he saw Stan had not joined.

"Thanks," Stan said quietly and got to his feet.

Gerald frowned. "Say…I know your mother will want more help from us tomorrow. Maybe I can talk Kyle into coming over and helping too."

Stan's stomach churned. "No, you don't need to."

"I'm sure he would like to"-

"Please Mr. Broflovski, don't," Stan strained. Although his voice was hoarse from lack of use all day the man could still hear the urgency in the child's tone so thought it was best not to.

The apartment was empty of everyone but Sharon, Shelley, and Stan by six. Sharon had ordered a pizza to go for dinner from Whistlin' Willy's since the pizza shop was now right behind them. The round breakfast table from their old house had been set up in its new area by the kitchen and together the three of them ate in near-silence. Stan had stared at his slice for a while, peeling off the pepperoni since they looked like little round piles of shit on the cheese and the overall pizza tasted like crap. He filled up on two glasses of Sprite instead before retreating to his new bedroom. An hour later Sharon had knocked on his door and entered the room to find him sitting on his mattress, staring into nothing.

"Stanley, why don't you start looking for your sheets and blankets okay? That way at least your bed can be ready tonight," Sharon suggested.

Stan merely shrugged. Sharon sighed.

"Is there anything you want me to do for you tonight honey? Anything that will make today feel a little… normal? Just name it and I will do it." She appeared almost desperate to get some sort of emotion or smile from her son.

Stan tore his eyes off his wall and to his mother. "Can you set up the internet please?"

Sharon bit her lip; she wasn't the best when it came to technology and didn't know much about computers but if it would make Stan happy…she made a small smile.

"Of course sweetie, let me get right on that."

It took over an hour to set up his computer and hook up the internet. It was close to ten P.M. by the time everything was finished. Stan's desk was not yet set up so Sharon rested the monitor on a stack of books. Stan immediately went on the floor to log on. Sharon bent down to give him a kiss.

"Don't stay up too long hon; we still have a lot of unpacking to do tomorrow."

"'Kay. Thanks."

"Of course. Hope you have… a good sleep tonight sweetie," Sharon trailed.

Stan looked at his hand. " 'Night Mom," was all he could say.

The lights were off and Stan sat there on the new carpeted floor staring at the blank Yahoo screen. He knew what he wanted to do but didn't know if he should. What difference would it make? Suddenly he heard a couple thumps from above. Probably neighbors upstairs. He sighed; his room felt cold and he felt lost. Frowning, he decided to just go with it and opened up a draft for an e-mail.

Kyle:

There are so many things I want to shout at you but can't. Guess you know the latest from my end from your parents- my parents have split up. This time for good. I don't know if you care or not but you're my Super Best Friend. You're my SBF and you've fucking abandoned me to hang out with Cartman and Kenny when I need you the most. I'm desperate here Kyle, I feel so betrayed and alone in my mom's new place and can't go to anyone. Look, I'm sorry I'm ruining your dreams of 'fun and rainbows' but I can't fucking help it. Maybe you should grow a pair and HELP me rather than think of yourself for once. I'm desperate Kyle, I need you. I don't know how long I can go before I go insane completely.

Your SBF: Stan

Would it do anything or change anything? Highly unlikely but by this point Stan was fed up with how things were. He read his e-mail over again before hitting 'send.' All he had to do was wait to see if he was as alone as he felt.

The next day was spent with more unpacking from the family. Gerald had stopped by to help with more of the heavy lifting and putting together of the furniture. That whole day however Sharon did not want Stan out of her sight. As each day passed she grew more and more worried about him. She couldn't even remember the last time he laughed about something or finished everything off his plate. She had a feeling all the stress around him was causing him to be this way but she didn't feel any better about it. In the afternoon she had asked Stan to help her with her bedroom, just to keep an eye on him.

She opened a random box on the floor and saw its contents. She smiled to herself and pulled out an old yearbook.

"Wow, I haven't seen this in years." She flipped through it before turning to her son. "Do you want to see how Mom looked way back in seventh grade Stanley?" she asked, trying to keep things light.

Stan just stared at the floor. The silence was her answer that he wasn't in the mood to laugh- again. She dug through another box.

"Oh look sweetie"- she took out a blue onesie that sat on top. "It's my box full of all your baby memories. Do you want to-?"

Stan had still not looked up from the hardwood floor. Instead he said in a soft voice, "What do you want me to do next Mom?"

Sharon sighed and closed the box. "Why don't you go hang some of these towels inside my bathroom okay?"

Stan wordlessly took hold of four towels and went into his mother's master bathroom to do as he was told. And it continued on this way. He hardly ever looked his mom in the eye, just stood or sat there, waiting for instructions on what to do next. Sharon had found her blankets in a box and began making up her bed. She looked down to see Stan staring at his feet. She noticed a box of his things had wound up in her room. Maybe whatever was in this box of his would make him feel more comfortable. She picked up the light box and handed it to him- it must have been filled with his stuffed animals or something. Stan took the box from Sharon without saying anything or looking at her and walked out the room. It was going to take a while to get him to open up again and she didn't know if she could wait much longer.

The next day was Friday and Sharon wanted her kids to attend school, if only it was one of the two times they had that week. She had decided to drive them both there, especially since Shelley's Jr High school was so close now. When Sharon pulled up to South Park Elementary she turned around to Stan who appeared not to have realized where they had stopped.

"I want you to try and have a good day today, okay sweetie?"

"Can't," Stan muttered.

"Just try. And try to eat something for lunch today. I heard it's Cheeseburger Day."

"Last burger I had tasted like shit."

"Stanley…"

Stan sighed and put his backpack over his shoulders. He allowed his mom to kiss him before he stepped out the car and looked up. He did not want to go to school today, school meant being in the same room as Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny, all three who had ditched him for their own happiness. It made his skin crawl and his mouth feel bone dry. He almost considered pretending to be sick in bed this morning, he felt sick to his stomach anyway so he'd hardly have to fake it. But he knew his mother wanted to distract him and get his life back to normal as soon as she could. He glanced left and right before walking inside the building.

After he put his things in his locker he took his usual seat in Mr. Garrison's class. The usual chatter was spreading as each kid walked in. His head then shot up when he saw those three walk in together.

"Man, I could have sworn she was a double D!" Cartman rang out.

"No dude, you're thinking of Miss Gertrude," Kenny pointed out.

Both boys spotted Stan and stopped talking. It looked as if Cartman wanted to say something but refrained. He just took his seat which was next to Stan's without any words. Kyle looked surprised to even see Stan in class, he had no idea really what had happened with him or if he still lived in South Park. He also looked like he wanted to tell him something but frowned, bit his lip, and took his seat. Stan sighed as he put his head in his hands; he wondered if Kyle ever got his e-mail. If he did then it obviously meant he still didn't want to be around him. It was like he was kicked in the nuts all over again.

The next six hours proved to be torture to Stan. Although he was trying to numb himself from the hurt of everything he still felt his eyes burn with tears as he walked out of school and spotted his mother's parked car. He climbed in without a word.

"How was school today honey?" Sharon asked carefully.

"A bust," he choked out.

That was all she needed to hear. Shaking her head she started up the car and drove 'home'. When they arrived Sharon led Stan in the kitchen and told him she would make him a snack. Stan sat at the round breakfast table head in his hands.

"How does a blueberry bagel with cream cheese sound?" Sharon asked, reaching for a bag of bagels in the pantry.

"Like crap."

"Well maybe it will taste good this time." She took out half a slice. "Do you want yours toasted?"

Stan shrugged. Sharon knew he liked it both toasted and untoasted but decided to pop it in the toaster this time before lathering cream cheese on it. She placed it as well as a glass of milk in front of him. Stan looked at the chewy bread and sniffed. It smelled okay. He took a bite- it tasted shitty. He groaned and pushed the plate away before putting his arm over his face to hide it.

"It can't taste that bad Stanley," Sharon pointed out. She had taken a seat across from him with the other half of the bagel.

Five minutes passed before Stan looked up again. He gulped down his milk (one of the few things that still tasted as nice and sweet as always) before wiping off his milk mustache. "Can I just watch TV or something?"

"I guess so." Sharon watched him drag his body into the living room and plop himself on the sofa. She frowned as she watched his body move, as if he had some ailment sucking the child-like energy inside him. She put both their dishes away in the sink before going over to her son.

"I'm going to be in my room for a little while if you need me, okay?"

Stan didn't say anything. Sighing, Sharon left. Meanwhile Stan lay on the sofa, staring into the ceiling, not really thinking about anything in particular. Thinking meant a higher chance at feeling pain and he didn't want that. That night Stan got into bed, allowing his mom to tuck him in. He still enjoyed it although found it difficult to express his happiness as of now. Sharon pulled his blankets up and took his hand. Stan knew what this usually meant so he waited for the words.

"Stanley honey, something is going to happen in a couple days."

His mother always did this, deliver news he did not want just as she was tucking him in.

"What?" he said tonelessly.

"Stanley… I decided to call Dr. Davies' office and well, you have an appointment with him Monday."

Stan could only blink back, no expression on his face yet again. He might have groaned about such things a month ago but now… did it really matter?

"It's just a check-up baby. I'm worried about you. You are so down in the dumps and haven't been eating much."

"Because everything tastes like shit!" Stan said forcefully.

"I know but I still know you aren't your usual self. I just want to make sure there isn't anything else causing you to act this way. Mentally, I want to make sure you're okay too," Sharon said gently.

Every other word came out as shit. His mother was one of the few people who weren't fluent in their crap-filled talk as of yet. "I don't want to see Dr. Davies Mom," he said quietly.

Sharon just kissed him. "I know. I know a lot is happening to you right now Stanley but I want to make sure you don't fall off the tracks before I can do something about it. It's just going to be a check-up. You'll be okay." She then took something out of an opened box on the floor and passed it to him. It was his old lovey, a stuffed dog. "Remember, if you want to get anything off your chest, just tell Ruffy okay? It's better than not saying anything at all."

With one last kiss, Sharon walked out. Stan sighed as he held onto the old stuffed dog, his mind blank of all emotion. What to do? How to feel? He didn't know. He just tucked the lovey under his blanket and watched the shadows on the ceiling move until it lulled him to sleep.

By Sunday Stan got a full taste of what his life would be like in the coming near future. That morning he had literally fallen out of bed and hit his head on his nightstand. Breakfast tasted like shit (those eggs looked like runny piles of crap), and his apple juice tasted that way too. The rest of the morning was spent hearing muffled voices from above as well as a vacuum cleaner running from whoever the hell lived there. He spent all day waiting for someone to take him away from the living nightmare but no one showed. His father had promised him and Shelley he would take them out for lunch that day but at the last minute backed out against it. Stan didn't know why but Randy did not want to see his kids yet. And it hurt, he had not seen his dad in over a week but apparently his needs didn't matter. They never did. Stan ate nothing for lunch that afternoon and Sharon went about the apartment, eyes on her son, growing all the more worried about his small food intakes. Stan even felt like a good smack around the head from Shelley would have been nice, just so he could feel something. But it seemed as if she was in her own mind and couldn't be bothered to hurt her own brother. It made Stan upset to know his sister was still hurting like he was.

Late that afternoon Stan decided it was best to distract himself outside the apartment. He found his mom trying to busy herself in the kitchen with last-minute unpacking.

"I'm going out," he told her.

"Okay… be careful," Sharon told him. She wanted to say 'have fun' but knew it would be pointless.

Stan went out in the new complex's backyard and tried to get his mind on other things. He took up a seat on one of the swings, not riding it but it had turned out to be his favorite place to sit and think. He looked behind him to see the sandbox with shovel and bucket inside. He had tried to entertain himself a couple days ago but playing in the sand was never any fun by himself. Near the swing set was his football. Again, he tried to have fun with it before realizing how pointless sports are if you had no one to play them with. He sat on the swing for close to an hour, simply staring at the sky. A different sky than the one back on 2001 Bonanza Street. The sun was shining but it hardly made a difference, it just looked like a pile of crap to him. He finally got off the bench to go for a walk.

He walked down the familiar streets of South Park trying to clear his head but thoughts of how shitty his life had become kept plaguing him. He looked down at the ground sadly, not really caring where his feet led him. But that's when he noticed something- he could have sworn he saw a peculiar-looking duck cross his path. He turned around to take a double-look. The duck appeared to be wearing a little collar of some sort. When it turned around to look at him it gave a happy quack- but only to an outsider's point of view. For Stan, the duck simply sprayed crap in his face. Bummed that even animals had turned against him he found no reason to continue his walk.

Dinner was another shitty affair. Stan could only stomach a small portion of his mom's meatloaf (which sucked, he used to love her meatloaf) and during the meal he had bit his tongue while chewing. He had turned in for the night early and wanted to cry that his mom tucking him in had none of the warm love it always had. It was as if his whole mind and body was giving up on him already. Sharon caressed his face before getting to her feet.

"You'll be okay soon enough baby," she told him before stepping out.

Stan sighed as he reflected on his life now. Tomorrow would be shitty since he had a doctor's appointment. His mother would not stop fretting over him. His father had not called or e-mailed him in days. He had still not gotten a reply back from Kyle which could only mean he didn't want to talk to him yet. He had had plenty of time now to e-mail him back but never did. Cartman or Kenny had been giving him the cold shoulder too. Food still tasted like crap and to be honest, Stan was starting to worry slightly too that he knew he had been losing weight. Shelley had not beaten him up all week which meant her heart was somewhere else at the moment too. And to top it off, he was living in a new apartment that did not feel like home yet and he didn't know how much longer he could go before completely breaking down.

Stan blinked as he put his hands behind his head and did what he had been doing recently, stare into nothing. He was only ten years old but he already felt as beaten, confused, betrayed, and lost as an old man and more painful yet, there was no sign that any of it was about to change.

Updated: October 15, 2019

A/N: I decided to update this a little in lieu of Ass Burgers. There we see that Sharon in fact moves herself and the kids into an apartment, not a house. Plus after I had recently revisited that day they move in during a memory scene from my story Prisoner of the Mind, I felt I should go back and change some things in this story.

Originally posted: June 17, 2011

Lots of love: Rose