Author's Note: Greetings, everyone! Now first and foremost, in this story, I am shamelessly making fun of everything I hate seeing, and/or like to laugh at in the Jedi Apprentice fandom, on this website and beyond. If you are easily offended and are a writer of said fanfiction, I suggest you hit the back button right now. Don't say I didn't warn you. Also, there are a shit ton of spoilers, of course, so be aware of that as well if you have not finished reading the series.

That being said, I hope you enjoy this even half as much as I enjoyed writing it. It was a blast xD

Pet Names, Beer Kegs, and Acid-Eaten Lovers

Obi-Wan Kenobi was worried. Very worried. There must be a logical explanation for what he was seeing.

Qui-Gon was on the opposite side of the sparring room he had just entered, leaning against a wall. That in itself wasn't unusual. The Jedi Master would sometimes come to observe the many duels that took place on a daily basis in the Temple. What was odd was that his eyes were unfocused, and he was staring at absolutely nothing, wearing a goofy-looking grin that could have given his friend Reeft a run for his money.

Normally, everything his master did had a distinct purpose. He wasn't one to just lounge around and daydream, or spontaneously smile, for that matter. He had a sense of humor, but there was always a time and a place for it. Seeing as there were several pairs of Jedi here, duking it out as if today would be the end of the Republic and/or the Order, now was not that time.

Hold that thought for another twenty-five years or so.

Why, then? What was the meaning of this? Either something was wrong with Qui-Gon, or Obi-Wan himself had gone crazy and was imaging this entire predicament. Neither idea was particularly appealing, but both were more possible than he wanted to admit. The voices had just told him to hold that thought. What was that supposed to mean, anyway?

Perhaps he was ill. He and Qui-Gon both. Was a visit to the healers in order? Without further delay, he approached his master, slowly, almost as if he were stalking an unpredictable creature that could spring at a second's notice.

"Um…Master?"

At first, he got no reaction whatsoever. Qui-Gon merely stood unmoving with that same dreamy expression on his face, and his head drifted slightly to the side as he sighed with contentment. He appeared not to notice his apprentice in the least.

Said apprentice frowned deeply in response.

He waved a hand in front of the elder man's face, and still he didn't give any indication of having heard until the young Padawan snapped his fingers and shouted his name again.

"Qui-Gon!"

Finally, results. Qui-Gon jerked and gave a violent start, which would have been funny under normal circumstances, but the shock in his eyes quickly faded to pleasure when he saw that it was his Padawan who greeted him. Their gazes locked, and Obi-Wan almost took a step back; he was stunned by the look on his Master's face. It had never appeared so…unguarded before. Actually, that was an understatement. He was positively glowing with warmth and affection.

"Obi!"

…what did he just call me?

Unfortunately, he didn't have time to contemplate this further. He was too busy struggling to keep a grip on his sanity as Qui-Gon leaped towards him, wrapped his arms around him, and crushed him in a vice-like embrace.

"I missed you, little one. Where have you been? I was starting to get worried!"

"Uh…at our quarters, Master?"

"Thank goodness. Don't ever do that again, you hear me, my Obi? For a minute, I…I thought that I would never have the chance to tell you how much I cherish you. The stars would not burn without you. The sun would not rise if you were not in my life! The birds would no longer sing! The rivers would no longer flow…"

Obi-Wan held up a hand to silence him, kneading his temple with the other. Suddenly, he had a monster of a migraine.

"Okay, Master. I'm flattered, but I get it. You can stop now." Son-of-a-sith, he didn't know who this man was, but this was not the famed master of the Living Force, that was for sure. The signature was right, it looked just like him, but this person simply couldn't be Qui-Gon. Right now, he sounded far too much like a character from a bad holo-drama. Obi-Wan wasn't at all opposed to being shown affection, of course, and he did get it, albeit in subtle ways. Never like this; never with flowery words and blatant, heart-felt displays for the whole world to see.

Gently, the young Padawan disentangled himself from Qui-Gon's arms and took him by the elbow, all of a sudden feeling frantic with concern. "Come, Master. You are unwell; let me escort you to the healers." This was serious. He could feel nothing abnormal through their bond, but perhaps he had to search deeper. What if he had a brain tumor…or something?

Qui-Gon laughed and punched him merrily on the shoulder, shaking his head in amusement. Obi-Wan could only stare, slack-jawed. "Don't be silly, Obi. I have never been better. Perhaps it is you who needs to pay the healers a visit. Live a little. Lighten up! Go do things normal kids your age like to do. Get drunk. Find a nice girl or guy to have a few wild nights of passion with. It'll be worth it. Don't be so uptight! We wouldn't want your snarky-sarcastic, slightly jaded personality to inadvertently help your apprentice along the path to the darkside, now would we?"

Yes, of course. How simple! All Obi-Wan had to do was go get drunk and have sex with an intriguing stranger, so his future apprentice would follow his good example and not turn to the darkside…wait…what?

"Did you just tell me to break two of the strictest rules of the Jedi Code? I know you're something of a rebel where the Council is concerned, but this is ridiculous. Who are you and what have you done with my Master? And what was that about my apprentice and the darkside, and…what?"

"Hey, everything's okay, Obi. It says right in the laws of badly-written fanfiction that there are plenty of stories involving me condoning things like sex, drinking, gambling, and the works. In this dimension, I'm not supposed to care. We really must follow the manual, love."

…Stories? Laws? Manual? What manual?!

Before he could pose any of these questions, the madness continued.

"If it's the Council you're worried about, I'll take care of them. Don't fret, my dearest Obi. I'll protect you!" Qui-Gon said with a flourish, nodding as he turned shining blue eyes upon the young Jedi. Obi-Wan winced. He really wished the elder Jedi wouldn't clasp his hands together like that. It was creepy.

"Hey, wait a second. You still didn't answer my other question!"

Qui-Gon shook his head and waved his hand in a dismissive gesture. "Forget I said anything. You probably don't want to know."

Remarkably enough, Obi-Wan found that he could not bring himself to form a single coherent word, let alone string a sentence together. His brain must have exploded from the strain. Good thing too, because as it turned out, his Master wasn't going to give him the time of day anyhow.

Qui-Gon flashed a disarming grin at his Padawan, hands still clasped together in adoration. "Obi, I want you to know that I…"

Obi-Wan groaned. What was with the shortening of his name? Was it supposed to be cute, or some crap? "Master, why do you keep calling me that? Stop it. Urgh, it's so horribly corny." Once or twice he would have let it pass; he might have even thought it endearing, but in every sentence? That was just too much.

"Sorry, but the laws of badly-written fanfiction also state that I have to be overly affectionate when speaking to you. If I'm not, you might commit suicide, leave the Jedi Order, lose yourself in a spiraling descent of depression, or all of the above. Therefore, I must use unnecessary pet names, hug you every time you exit or enter a scene, and spout ridiculously cliché' lines as often as possible. Regardless of the fact that, you know, it goes completely against my character."

Fan…fiction? Fans who wrote fiction stories about them? Fans? Since when did they have fans?

"Are those my only options? Don't people ever write good, believable stories about you and I?"

"Well yes, but they can be hard to find. Traditionally, you only have one of three choices: either I can smother you with affection and refer to you as my son every few lines, get too strict with you and cause you to run yourself into the ground, or we could be secretly in love with each other."

Ah, so this was what it felt like for one's eyes to bug out of their head. Intriguing. "I'll take the first one."

"That's what I thought. Now, sweetling, I know it's a lot to take in, but look on the bright side. At least those are better than the stories involving you becoming Xanatos' lover. And guess what? From what I understand," Qui-Gon leaned closer, and finished in a conspirator's whisper. "You're the uke."

I did what with…who now? I'm the what now?! Obi-Wan couldn't have been more disgusted if he'd just walked in on Master Yoda in the shower. "Eww, Qui-Gon, don't even joke about that! All he ever did when we saw each other was try to kill me! Why would I want to throw my entire life away to be his lover? Besides, he's dead! Doesn't that kind of throw a roadblock into the plan?"

"Depends on what you're reading. Many simply ignore that fact and skip over it, as if it is perfectly natural that he jumped into a pit of acid, and didn't get eaten alive in the process. There are also a few that involve him taking advantage of you against your will, before his death."

Obi-Wan shuddered. "A little more plausible. I mean if it's rape, sure, I can see that happening. He's a pretty messed up guy."

"Eh, I thought about it once or twice," Xanatos piped in, striding up to the duo as if it were the most natural thing in the world. His cloak billowed out behind him, black hair falling like waves down to his shoulders, and the broken circle on his right cheek stood out from underneath ice-blue eyes. The Dark Jedi's words sounded so nonchalant, he could have been commenting on how nice the weather was lately.

"What the…! How did…? What are you doing here? How did you get into the temple?" Obi-Wan sputtered, scrambling to put his back against the wall. Screw trying to look brave. New plan: get out of this room and back into a sane environment. Alive.

Xanatos scuffed and rolled his eyes. That "alive" part was beginning to seem more and more unlikely. "Obviously I'm here to declare my undying love for you, Obi-Wan. Sithspawn, haven't you been paying attention?"

"…really?"

"Nah, of course not. Everyone knows I'm too cool in all of my bad-assery to make any lasting commitments, but I suppose we can just be fuck buddies."

"Okay…so you're honestly going to stand there and tell me you're madly in lust with me?"

"If it means I get to survive throwing myself into a molten pit of acid, then yes. Yes I am."

Obi-Wan groaned, and hid his face in his hands. "I don't think I can take much more of this."

"Nonsense," Xanatos replied, a strange sort of huskiness seizing his tone, and suddenly, the Dark Jedi was far too close to him for comfort. Before the young Padawan knew what was happening, his chin was being gripped in Xanatos' hand, their faces were mere inches away from each other, and a pair of arms was trapping him firmly into a corner, with no escape to be seen. Unless of course, he used the Force to push him out of the way, but for some reason, he was unreasonably compelled to forget all about that. Oh no. This fanfiction thing must be a virus. It had him within its clutches already!

Even sneakier than the darkside. Truly, it was.

This did not bode well. He glanced pleadingly over Xanatos' shoulder at his Master, hoping beyond hope that he might see fit to get him out of this mess.

Qui-Gon smiled and gave a cheery little wave in his direction.

He sighed, and his shoulders slumped in defeat. Of course not. So much for, "Don't fret, my dearest Obi. I'll protect you!"

Well, he was stuck. Not much he could do about it now, because currently, the gaping plot holes involved in Obi-Wan rape stories were rearing their ugly heads, and there wasn't a single action he could take to fill them up, no matter how badly he might wish this scene made sense. When Xanatos slipped a hand inside of the boy's tunic and began to trail lazy kisses from his neck to his jawline, he could do naught but struggle to stay as calm and focused as possible. This would not break him. It would not. That was a promise.

…who was he kidding? He would be happy if he could just keep himself from sobbing by the time the nightmare was over.

"Qui!"

For a moment, Obi-Wan thought that he must have cried out without meaning to, but wait…Qui? Not a second had passed before he heard it again, too. Mace Windu, he recognized from the tone this time. He was proven right when the Jedi Master stepped into his line of sight and patted his friend on the back. Once again, Obi-Wan was struck dumb, and quite remarkably, he was able to forget that there was a psychotic young darkside user nibbling on his earlobe.

"Qui! Hey buddy, what's up? I've been texting you all day, why haven't you answered?"

"Really? I haven't gotten any…oh you know what? I think I left my com in my other cloak pocket. Sorry, my mistake. What did you want?"

"Well, I was thinking. You aren't slotted for any missions for a couple of weeks, and I don't have anything particularly pressing to attend to, so we could probably have that party we've been talking about. There's this great brewery I wanna try; think I'll order a keg from there."

"Hey, sounds like a plan! Should I get the strippers? I still have the number for that place that Master Yoda referred me to. What species? I got to pick last time, so it's your turn now."

"Hmm. How 'bout a Twi'lek? Always have been partial to them. Music?"

"I'll take care of it. Get a cool DJ or something. No offense, Mace, but your taste is abysmal in that area."

"Fair enough."

By this time, Obi-Wan had been rendered almost completely catatonic, and would have been twitching on the floor if not for the hands that moved all over his body, violating him, holding him up against his will. Although, to his surprise, they stilled as the conversation went on. Even Xanatos appeared interested in the chaos unfolding around them. He raised a sculpted eyebrow. Finally! A tiny bit of sanity, even if it was from his would-be rapist.

"Oh come on, you two old guys are still trying to party it up? I guess some things never change. Well, I suppose I could bring some strobes and laser lights if you want. Make it a rave, you know? That's the in thing these days."

Never mind. He'd spoken too soon.

Mace glanced at Qui-Gon, who only shrugged as if to say, 'It's your choice.'

"Sure, whatever. The more the merrier. Besides, I like pretty colors. Thanks for the pointers, Xani."

Xanatos grunted in acknowledgement. "You guys can have one of my five-hundred email addresses. Send me the time and the place. I'll be there." And with that, he draped his other arm over Obi-Wan's shoulders, dipped his head, and set to work on the soon-to-be-hickey he had only just begun to form on the underside of his chin. Obi-Wan squeaked and cringed away as much as he could.

Unbelievable. That was the final straw. No really, it was this time. "I'm getting molested back here, and all you can think about is planning crazy rave parties with Mace Windu and your dead ex-apprentice?" he exploded incredulously, glaring as fiercely as he could manage under the circumstances. Clearly, his question was directed at his traitorous Master. This was betrayal at its worst.

"Now now Padawan, remember what we talked about. Lighten up! You're invited too. Besides, I'm sure Xanatos is only trying to be friendly. Can't you see he cares for you?"

"But you were just telling me five minutes ago that there were stories that involved him raping…gah. You know what? Never mind. I don't think my words are doing any good."

Abruptly, Xanatos chose that moment to pull away from Obi-Wan, which he was immensely glad for. The upper-half of his tunic was already hanging off and exposing his chest, courtesy of his would-be rapist, and it was kinda cold in here. Some of the Jedi in the surrounding area were starting to stare too, and they looked far too interested for comfort. He didn't really want to find out why, so he figured it would be in his best interests to get dressed. Hurriedly, he tugged his tunic back up over his shoulders and tied it as tightly as he could manage. Damn, now he smelled like man-whore. He needed a shower. Badly.

Xanatos yawned. "Bored now. Think I'll get going. I'll send you an email, oh object of my eternal vengeance. Don't forget to reply with a date and time."

Qui-Gon nodded. "Duly noted. I should be able to let you know what's going on in the next few days or so."

"Gotcha. Bye, baby. See you at the party." And with that, he winked, planted a quick kiss straight onto Obi-Wan's lips, and stalked off.

"Ah, young lust," Mace sighed, smiling wistfully after the Dark Jedi. "Those were the days."

"They were, weren't they? They sure were."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Naturally, he woke up screaming at the top of his lungs, lying in his room at the quarters he shared with Qui-Gon. His legs were tangled up in the sheets, he was covered with a thin sheen of sweat, but most importantly, Xanatos wasn't here. Neither were Bill and Ted, and their excellent party-planning skills.

A dream. It was all a dream. A horrible, terrifying, gods I never wanna relive this again, sort of dream.

He had never been so…happy.

There was a light raping on his door, and he flinched for a moment, startled. "Padawan?" Before he could say anything further, Master Qui-Gon Jinn entered the room. Obi-Wan nearly fell off the bed. Was this the part where he tackled him and smothered him with hugs, kisses, and pet names?

"Obi-Wan, is something the matter? I mean no intrusion, but I could sense your distress quite clearly. Did you have a bad dream? I was going to give you some privacy and let you deal with it or come to me on your own, but I thought that I should interfere when you started screaming," Qui-Gon finished, eyes meeting his as he sat on the edge of the mattress. His voice reflected both dry sarcasm and genuine concern. How did he do that, anyway?

But, he'd said it. Obi-Wan. Obi-Wan. He'd said his name. The young Padawan almost cried with relief.

"Yes, Master. It was awful," he replied with a shudder, wrapping his arms around himself protectively. Suddenly, he felt the insane urge to sprint to the fresher and check himself for hickeys.

"Did you want to talk about it? It will not help if you simply bottle this up. I won't force you to specify on the details, but you should at least meditate over the matter if you are so bothered by what happened."

"I believe it would be better for everyone if I didn't share this one. At any rate, you probably wouldn't believe me if I told you," Obi-Wan muttered miserably. He didn't believe it himself.

Qui-Gon frowned, but didn't protest. He seemed to understand that this was just one of those things he might never receive a full explanation for. "All right, Padawan." He patted Obi-Wan's shoulder, and smiled tenderly. "Know that I am here if you change your mind."

The Jedi Master's wisdom and quiet compassion was ultimately Obi-Wan's undoing. Now this was the Qui-Gon he knew. The man he idolized. Before he was even aware of it, he was spilling everything; for better or for worse, he almost didn't want to know.

"I was your son/lover, Xanatos wanted to have sex with me, Master Windu liked beer kegs and Twi'leks, and all of you kept shortening each other's names, but you were hiring the strippers and calling the DJ, and it was weird, Master. It was so weird! Everyone was acting strange, and I was the only one who was normal, because we have fans, and they write really stupid stories, and, and…"

His Master raised an eyebrow. He seemed caught somewhere between bafflement and amusement. "I really must stop letting you watch daytime holo-vision."

"So none of that was true then, was it? There aren't really people out there who would write bad fiction stories about us and post them for the universe to see, right? I know there is much evil spread throughout the galaxy, but the thought of me and all of my friends acting so out of character is horrible beyond imagining."

Predictably, his Master chuckled, but he squeezed his shoulder reassuringly. "Of course not, Padawan. What do you think this is? An alternate dimension? Next you'll be telling me you dreamed of a universe with only one known planet fit for habitation, a surplus of human beings, and an absence of the Force."

Obi-Wan scratched his chin thoughtfully. "I suppose you're right. We all know that's never going to happen."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Ha. Man, I love being an author of fanfiction. It means I get to bitch in parody-form about anything I want. And, I can give the characters a voice in it too. They deserve one. I'm not trying to put anyone down for their beliefs, but this story represents mine and those of others, I'm sure. This is for all of the times any of us have been reading fanfiction, and had to stop to say, "Now that's just stupid."

Also, please don't hesitate to point out errors if you see them.

Thanks so much for reading, and may the Force be with you. Leave me reviews, you will? ;D