"...and i can't see you right now
'cause my heart just can't take it
can't be near you right now
'cause i know you're no longer mine
I can't see you

I still think of you
I pray that you were safe
I'm still missing you
but it has to be this weakest
I'm not right for you
and that's why love's to blame"

New York.

Serena sighs as she steps out of the plane. She hasn't been here in years. Home. If it's even possible to still call it that. Serena thinks she's never had that feeling. That feeling of belonging, feeling home somewhere. She's been chasing it forever, but never been able to find it. Or she thinks she found it. Once. A long time ago. But she wasn't ready for it then and it scared her, so she let it slip away. Right through her fingers.

She didn't think she would be back here now; she didn't want to come back yet. The city represents so many memories. Good and bad. And she's not sure if she's ready to face either. It's so many feelings, so many regrets and choices. Its people and moments she's been trying to escape.

After all this time it's a wedding that brings her back. Not just any wedding. It's the happening of the year. Blair Waldorf is finally getting her princess dream fulfilled. And Serena has to be there for it.

Of course she does.

When Blair called her to tell her about the engagement, she had been squealing with joy. She'd been so happy for her best friend. They'd talked about dresses and flowers, about catering and lingerie. Not once had Blair mentioned the fact that Serena had to come back home for this, or that he was going to be there. Blair knew her too well, maybe even better than she knew herself. She knew that Serena wasn't ready and that she maybe never would be. But she also knew that her best friend wouldn't miss her wedding.

Of course she wouldn't.

Serena calls Blair in the cab. They don't talk about anything special. Nothing really. But between the lines is everything. When Blair asks her if the flight was okay, Serena understands that she's really asking if she's okay. When they talk about how exciting it is that Blair is marrying the man she loves, they're both also thinking about the man they thought Serena would marry one day. But none of them mentions his name. Not once. Blair tells her she has to come to the hotel at seven. It's important maid of honor stuff, she says. And Serena can't be late.

"Hold that elevator!"

She screams while running down the hall. The clock is close to seven. And Serena is afraid of what Blair will say if she's late. Or worse, what she'll do

A hand stops the doors from closing and she breathes out. She raises her head and looks at the man standing in front of her.

She knew she had to see him at one point. She knew he'd be attending the wedding. But she didn't think she had to see him this soon. She isn't ready. Not at all.

"Nate…"

It's only a whisper.

She stares at him, baffled. He just stares back. Not a word escaping his lips. She thought she could get away with just seeing him at the reception. Give him a smile; maybe even a little nod or a wave. But no exchanging of words. Nothing more than looks across the room. And even that are hard enough. As soon as she could, she would leave again. Before she could do more damage. Before hurting him again and by that also hurting herself.

It's okay she tells herself. You can do it. You can manage to be in the same elevator as him for less than three minutes. She looks at the clock. Then at him. She steps inside. He smiles at her and whispers a hello, almost shyly.

"Which floor?" He asks her.

She takes a breath.

"The top"

And not for a second does she think that he's going there too. So it hits her in the face when he smiles and says me too. She can see that he's confused by her shocked look.

"I'm the…." He pauses. "I'm the best man."

Of course he is.

She forgets it sometimes. That it's him that is his best friend now.
She forgets how cruel faith can be.
She forgets that horrible day where so many things changed and so many lives were ruined.

Suddenly there's a loud noise. The buttons starts blinking, and then there's no blinking at all. No lights on the panel before them. The elevator stops with a yank. And they both look at each other.

"Don't panic." He says.

"We can just…" he picks up the phone attached to one of the walls. "…call"

She looks at him."What's wrong?"

"It's not working." He can see that she is starting to panic.

He takes out his cell phone. No signal. Great.

"It's going to be okay, Serena " He wants to comfort her.

"I can't be here. I can't be here with…" With you.

She looks up at him, can see that her words hurt him.

"You can't be trapped here with me. The person that made you run away from your home and every person that has ever loved you." He stares at her.

"I wouldn't want to be trapped with that guy either."

He looks angry all of a sudden. And she gets it.

She really does.

"It's not like that." She whispers.

She doesn't really know how it is, but it's not like that. He didn't make her run away because he was mean or hurt her in any way, or that she didn't love him. It was because she did. And everything that love represented. He was too much and she was starting to get the feeling they could last forever. And that feeling scared her more than anything. There was that other thing too. The thing she's never told anyone. That she doesn't want anyone to ever know, least of all him.

"I didn't leave because of you. I just needed…" She stops, not able to explain to him exactly what she needed.

Space. Time. Something else. She needed to remove herself from the equation. She needed to go before she ruined everything. Anything.

"I remember the first time I saw you" She suddenly says and sits down with her head against the wall.

He turns around and stares at her, surprised by her words.

She remembers it like it was yesterday.

It was summer.

Of course it was.

It was kinder garden. They were only four years old. He was the prettiest boy she had ever seen. Still is. She remembers his blue eyes and sandy blonde hair. She remembers his boyish smile and how they wore matching clothes.

"You were standing in the corner and when I looked over at you, you gave me the biggest smile."

She says and takes a deep breath. She closes her eyes and pictures it. Like it will bring her back to that day. Before everything got so messed up. Before anything bad had happened to any of them.

"I remember" He says and sits down against the wall opposite from her.

"I can still remember the first thing you said to me." I will never forget.

"Our eyes are the same"

She smiles at him and pushes her hair away from her face. Their eyes are the same. They fit together. Always have, always will. And that's part of the whole reason why Serena can't be with him. It's part of what scares her.

Nate sighs. He too wishes they can go back to that day in kinder garden. So he can do everything once more. If he could live his life one more time, he would've never let her go. He would've made her his girl the moment he laid eyes on her.

He doesn't know that he already did. In this life, on that day.

They sit in silence for a while. Both wondering why no one has come to get them out of there.

"So how you been?" He asks casually.

She knows he really wants to ask her if she's seeing someone.

"Good" She says, wants to ask him too.

There have been men in her life after him. But no one who made a greater impact.

She thinks she has only really loved two men. One of them is marrying her best friend and the other one is sitting right in front of her.

It hits her in that moment, that she is so happy it's not him that is marrying Blair. Because it could've easily turned out that way, if Blair had gotten what she wanted at the age of six.

He doesn't ask anything else; it's this awkwardness between them. They don't know how to act around each other, don't know what to say.

So there is another silence.

"I can't believe they're getting married." He suddenly says and smiles.

"My ex-girlfriend and your ex-boyfriend" He lets out a laugh.

"My best friend and yours" She says and regrets it immediately.

His face changes and he stays quiet for a while.

"I needed you" He says and sets his eyes in her.

The intensity scares her and she's not able to look at him for long.

"I needed you when he died, needed you to be there for me."

She can feel tears surfacing in her eyes.

"Where were you?" He whispers desperately, like he's reaching for something.

She doesn't answer.

That day changed so many things, more than he knows and understands.

"And where were you when my dad died?" His voice cracks.

She looks up at him then. Tears making their way down both her cheeks.

"What?" She manages to say.

"Your dad is…"

She thinks this is the first time she's seen him cry. She has seen him do many things, but never cry. So she's not even able to say the last word out loud.

Instead she's dragging her body towards him, stops when their feet meet. His hands are resting on his knees and she gently places hers on top of them.

"I'm so sorry, Nate. I didn't know. "

She sighs.

"I've barely kept in touch with anyone. I…" She really doesn't know what to say to him do make it better, doesn't think anything can ever fix it.

"Was it long ago?" She asks him, still with her hands on his.

He closes his eyes and a single tear escape.

"It was last year." He takes a deep breath.

"It was a couple of days before that night I called you."

His eyes are wide open now, piercing their way through hers. A single tear escape again, this time from her eyes.

Serena walks around in her little French apartment. She looks outside the window and can see the Eiffel tower in the distance.

She 's ready to go to bed when her phone rings.

Nate.

She stands totally still for a moment, her phone still ringing.

She tries to breathe steadily and counts to twenty.

Serena hasn't talked to him since she left New York three years ago.

"Hey" She simply says when she picks up the phone.

"Serena…"

His voice saying her name like old times breaks her heart. It's painful and good at the same time. She misses him. Every single day she does. But she can't tell him, she can barely let herself have that feeling.

"Where are you?" He's screaming.

She can tell from his voice that he has been drinking.

"I'm…" Her voice cracks.

"Can you please come back?" His voice sounds so vulnerable. She has only heard him like this once before. When she left the first time.

"Please come back to me, Serena. I know it's been three years. I know you've probably found someone else. But I need you. I need you now, here"

Tears start to flow and she doesn't even bother trying to stop them from coming.

"I'm so sorry, Nate. But I can't" She hangs up. Her phone slides out from her fingers and she sits down on the floor, praying for it to go away. Have that feeling inside finally disappearing.

"I'm sorry." He says and she looks at him with surprise.

"Why are you saying sorry?" She asks while slowly shaking her head.

"For drunk calling you."

She wipes away a tear and looks at him. Really looks at him. So he can understand that she means what she's about to say.

"It's me that should apologize to you." She squeezes his hand.

"I'm sorry that I hung up on you and I'm sorry that I didn't realize that something so terrible had happened. I should've been there for you no matter what"

He's about to say something, but bites his lips instead.

She lets go of his hands then, just because it's starting to feel too comfortable, too much like old times. Too much like everything she actually wants, but can't let herself have.

He looks away. Maybe to hide how hurt he is by what she's doing now or what she has done in the past.

The air around them is starting to get heavy. Heavy with memories and emotions, awkwardness and sadness. Things said and things not said.

Serena doesn't know how much more she can take of this. She hopes someone will come get them out soon.

"I feel like I can't breathe" She says and stands up.

He looks at her, worried. He stands up beside her and lays a hand on her lower back. He believes it's because they're still trapped in this elevator, when it's really him that's the reason for her problem with breathing.

She remembers the first time she saw him after she came back from boarding school all those years ago. Their eyes met across the room and her heart skipped a beat. Then she had to get out of there. Away from him. Because she couldn't be in the same room as him, she couldn't breathe there.

That feeling is back now.

"You can't touch me, Nate." Her voice is suddenly all hard and it makes him shiver.

It makes him mad.

"Oh, I'm so sorry, Serena! Sorry for caring about you. Sorry for even being here. I'm so sorry you have to be stuck in here with me."He emphasizes every word and with every word Serena sheds a tear.

She turns around.

"You don't understand"

"Then enlighten me. Please do!"

"I wish I could, but…"

"But what, Serena!"

Nate thinks he's never been this frustrated. This always happens. He feels they make progress, that they're taking a step forward. But Serena always manages to take them two steps back right afterwards.

"You just left me."

They way he says those words makes Serena feel like the worst person in the world.

"No goodbye."

He sits down again. Serena thinks it is because he wants to have some sort of control of the situation.

She's right.

Nate feels like he will break down if he stands. He doesn't want her to see just how much he still cares, when she clearly doesn't care at all.

She is standing before him, she looks at him the whole time they're silent. And he doesn't look at her once. He just stares down at the floor.

"It had only been two days since…" He can't say it out loud.

"You know what… And then you leave! You left everyone that needed you to be there. You left Blair, your mum, me… I don't understand, what makes a person do that? What made you do that?"

She doesn't answer him, just cries silent tears. She knows she was selfish, it's probably the most selfish thing she's ever done. And she has done many.

"You weren't even in the funeral." He sighs and shakes his head at her.

"I…I don't know what to say…"

"And then you send Blair to tell me that you're not coming back."

He ignores her.

"You should have seen her when she told me" You should have seen me.

"She was devastated."

Serena turns away from him and wipes away the tears.

"I know what I did was wrong. I know I hurt you all when you already were going through so much. And that day hurt me too. I too was devastated when he died…" She takes a deep breath.

"Something else happened that day. And I can't tell you about it." You won't ever look at me again.

"Can't or don't want to?" He asks and she turns to face him again.

"I know I'm selfish"

That's her answer.

He doesn't respond to that. Doesn't know what to say to her, she is selfish. But when he looks at her, he still sees that girl he fell in love with. So he can't bring himself to say it out loud. Say to her that he does think she's selfish.

She sits down again.

She sits with her eyes closed. And he can't help but to study her. He takes all of her in. He is mad at her. And at the same time he is not. He can't be, he's not able to.

Never was.

He looks at her freckles. He looks at her hair, her eyes and down her body.

Beautiful.

God he misses her. Misses the way she would laugh at him when he tried to be funny, they way she kinked her eyebrows when he said something dirty. They way their eyes would meet in any room, any situation. He misses the way she took his hand to show everyone that she belonged to him, and every man would stare at him jealously. He misses the way their bodies fitted together and how they just fit. He misses everything. And more.

"I miss you" He suddenly says.

She opens her eyes and stares at him. Half in shock.

"I really loved you" sometimes I think I still do.

"Stop" She says firmly.

"Stop saying stuff like that". Stop loving me.

"It's not that easy, Serena."

She ignores it. Like she always did when they were younger.

"Why aren't you yelling at me? Why aren't you mad anymore?" I rather have you made at me.

"I can't. I just can't. It's the past. You probably had your reasons, I know you, Serena. You wouldn't have left if you hadn't had a good reason. And maybe you someday can open up to me."

She starts to cry again.

"We can start over, Serena"

"Stop it…" She whispers vulnerably.

He moves closer to her and reaches out a hand.

"Hey, my name is Nathanial Archibald." He smiles at her.

"Nice to meet you."

"What are you doing, Nate?" She breathes out his name.

"Starting over"

She shakes her head and stands up.

She walks around, he is still sitting.

"What do you want me to say, Nate?" She sighs tiredly.

"What do you want from me?"

"You" He simply states, like it's the most obvious thing in the world.

And for him it is.

Because he loves her. Always have, always will. It's that easy.

And that hard.

"You wouldn't have wanted me if you knew…"

He stands up beside her, reaches out to touch her. She pulls away from him and crosses her arms. Tries to protect herself from it. All of it. Most of all him.

"Nothing you can say will change my mind. I lo…"

"I was pregnant!" She cuts him of before he's able to finish the sentence.

"I was pregnant with your child! And then I wasn't anymore…"

She breaks down before him.

But he can't comfort her. Not now. Not this time.

"What..?" He whispers.

Then the doors open and they're standing face to face with Dan and Blair and some other guy.

Serena runs out as soon as she can.

Of course she does.

And Nate's left behind.

Yet again.

With so many questions and no answers at all.