Part I

Man, before we get to the actual story, I just gotta say, it's amazing how much of a dweeb I am. I'm 20 years old, I live with my parents… at least I have a job right now and I'm not morbidly obese. That'd be almost cartoonishly depressing. But look at the crap I've got on this account – three stories, none of which are anywhere close to being completed, based off of the Inheritance Cycle (why does he call it a "cycle," anyway?), Twilight (though in my defense, I have not read those books or seen the movies, nor do I plan to), and My Little Pony (freaking ponies, man…). And now Glee. Seriously, the only "manly" thing I can claim is that I can hit a low C in Rachmoninoff's "Bogoroditse." That and I play "Painkiller" when it doesn't crash my computer. That's pretty sad. I should've started writing that "Columbo vs. Dexter" idea I had. That would've been cool. Also, this will be rendered largely unreadable by the time the third season actually comes out (oh, it'll be so funny if this isn't finished by then), because the characters will be going in different directions and the cast is going to expand yet again.

Hoooooooo boy, here we go…

So it was summer but now it's not, and the kids lost at nationals because Finn kissed Rachel which was completely unrehearsed (oh, that rascally Finn, will he ever do anything right?), but now they're dating after Rachel asked Sam out (who'd been dating Santana until she started dating Karofsky because they're both gay and thought they could "beard" each other and now Santana's dating Brittany who'd been dating Artie but now she isn't because Artie said something mean and before that Sam was dating Quinn but she cheated on him with Finn after he broke up with Rachel but now Quinn and Finn are broken up and Finn's with Rachel and Quinn's alone and has a new haircut. Tough break.) but he said no, and before that she went on a date with Blaine after Blaine got drunk and kissed her and thought he liked it but Kurt said he didn't and actually said that bisexuality was just another word for "closet" but then it turned out that Blaine was completely gay after all and now they're dating and are really cute together so it's all okay. Also, Sam is kinda homeless and Kurt and Quinn knew that because they went to the motel where his family was living and Kurt initially had a crush on Sam when he moved to the school because he was cute and could sing and he wanted a duet partner but Finn told him no because Kurt was acting kinda inappropriate and now he (Sam, that is) is dating Mercedes but there hasn't been a lot of drama yet.

And that's what you missed, on GLEE.

First day of the new school year, and that meant the first New Directions meeting of the new school year. And Will Schuester had something planned for their first activity.

"Misfit songs." He said.

"You mean like 'Loser Like Me' and our 'Night of Neglect' concert?" Artie asked.

"Well, yes and no." Mr. Schuester said. "The idea this week, start in territory that's somewhat familiar, but try to branch out into…"

Yeah, he needed to come up with a theme for the first week, but he'd procrastinated until the last minute. So he didn't have a really good explanation. Neither do I, in fact. You'll see it's just a flimsy set-up to put up song lyrics I like (like a lot of Glee fanfics, I imagine. Or if a lot of Glee fanfics don't have song lyrics, well, at least I'm being true to the show's premise!).

"Why don't I illustrate with a song?" he said, indicating for Brad the pianist to start playing. And then he started singing, because that's what they do on this freaking show.

"Yes, she looks for me-good.

Let her look for me to tell me why she left me-

As I always knew she would.

I had thought she understood.

They have never understood,

And no reason that they should.

But if anybody could...

Finishing the hat,

How you have to finish the hat.

How you watch the rest of the world

From a window

While you finish the hat.

Mapping out a sky.

What you feel like, planning a sky.

What you feel when voices that come

Through the window

Go

Until they distance and die,

Until there's nothing but sky

And how you're always turning back too late

From the grass or the stick

Or the dog or the light,

How the kind of woman willing to wait's

Not the kind that you want to find waiting

To return you to the night,

Dizzy from the height,

Coming from the hat,

Studying the hat,

Entering the world of the hat,

Reaching through the world of the hat

Like a window,

Back to this one from that.

Studying a face,

Stepping back to look at a face

Leaves a little space in the way like a window,

But to see-

It's the only way to see.

And when the woman that you wanted goes,

You can say to yourself, "Well, I give what I give."

But the women who won't wait for you knows

That, however you live,

There's a part of you always standing by,

Mapping out the sky,

Finishing a hat...

Starting on a hat...

Finishing a hat...

Look, I made a hat...

Where there never was a hat"

Well, that was longer than I thought it was. Awesome song, though. You should listen to it. Originally sung by Mandy Patinkin, aka Inigo Montoya. Pity I can't sing it. Tenors ruin everything.

"That was 'Finishing the Hat,' from the musical 'Sunday in the Park with George.'" He said. Blank looks from the students, even from Kurt and Rachel. "Stephen Sondheim? Also did the music and lyrics for 'Sweeney Todd' and 'Into the Woods?' And the lyrics to 'West Side Story' and 'Gypsy?'"

Well, now they got it. "With Leonard Bernstein?" Kurt asked eagerly, adding under his breath "Oh, one of these days I will do 'Glitter and be Gay' on stage."

"Don't you already do that?" Santana asked.

"Now, Sondheim is just an example. I'd just like you to look up songs about more marginalized people, by artists that we don't usually cover in here." He hastily turned to Rachel, "And that means no Celine Dion."

Most of the class just decided to type "Sondheim" into Wikipedia. It's what I would've done, after all. In any case, the next day, Rachel already had her song picked. Finn had nothing because he got stuck wondering how a city could write musicals.

Mike was still kinda disappointed. He'd have to wait for someone to sing "I Won't Dance." I mean, that song isn't coming into this theme at all – it's got its own Wikipedia page and it's in, like, three different movies. Incidentally, Stephen Sondheim is very fond of Jerome Kern…

"My song is from 'Anyone Can Whistle,' the biggest flop in the history of Broadway. If any musical is a misfit, it's this one."

I really couldn't decide whether to post lyrics from the title song or "A Parade in Town." The first song's prettier, but the second one is about a corrupt politician who's upset that nobody loves her. Perfect "misfits" material. The title song, however, is more in line with what you'd expect to win some kind of award, and sounds much more suitable for a diva (though, funnily, "A Parade in Town" was initially put into the show because Angela Lansbury wanted another song because she felt her character was too two-dimensional and because Lee Remick had one more song than her. So the song did come about by diva-ing…).

Oh god, what am I doing? Now I'm making up words and… she sings the title song because she thinks it makes her look better, because she always goes with the song that makes her look better.

"Anyone can whistle,

That's what they say-

Easy.

Anyone can whistle

Any old day-

Easy.

It's all so simple:

Relax, let go, let fly.

So someone tell me why

Can't I?

I can dance a tango,

I can read Greek-

Easy.

I can slay a dragon

Any old week-

Easy.

What's hard is simple.

What's natural comes hard.

Maybe you could show me

How to let go,

Lower my guard,

Learn to be free.

Maybe if you whistle,

Whistle for me.

I can slay a dragon

Any old week-

Easy.

What's hard is simple.

What's natural comes hard.

Maybe you could show me

How to let go,

Lower my guard,

Learn to be free.

Maybe if you whistle,

Whistle for me."

Man, I was just thinking how funny it would be if they sang "Simple," from the same show. It's like, thirteen minutes long and completely crazy. If they did it it'd be hilarious, because a lot of the viewers who aren't familiar with the song would just be left scratching their heads. It's like something that makes you wonder whether or not you're high while watching…

Only two more Sondheim pieces, I swear.

Not wanting to be outdone ant the very beginning of the year, Mercedes decided she had to out-do Rachel. Had to out-diva her. Because apparently being a diva is a good thing and not annoying. I mean, seriously, Patti Lupone stopped "Rose's Turn" just to yell at someone in the audience. Which is kind of ironic because we know about that because someone in the audience was recording audio of Patti Lupone yelling at someone for taking pictures.

Man, imagine if she was in one of those filmed concert things and that happened… well, it'd probably drum up dvd sales. Or at least Youtube hits.

The point is, that's unprofessional and not quite something I'd want to aspire to. Then again, there are a lot of things I don't want to aspire to. Like writing this fic.

I'm even losing my grip on spelling. I just spelt "thing" as "thign."

ANYWAY! Back to what Mercedes was doing – she'd prepared the only song in the Sondheim catalogue (heh. Catalogue. If they had a bass on the show they'd have to sing the catalogue aria) that could out-diva Rachel. The hit from "Follies" that wasn't "Losing My Mind" (again, that song has a Wikipedia page. No way it's working) – "I'm Still Here."

Incidentally, I just found out that "Wickedpedia" is a thing that exists. Though it's about Disney villains and not the Wicked musical. Crazy.

"Good times and bum times,

I've seen them all and, my dear,

I'm still here.

Plush velvet sometimes,

Sometimes just pretzels and beer,

But I'm here.

I've stuffed the dailies

In my shoes.

Strummed ukuleles,

Sung the blues,

Seen all my dreams disappear,

But I'm here.

I've slept in shanties,

Guest of the W.P.A.,

But I'm here.

Danced in my scanties,

Three bucks a night was the pay,

But I'm here.

I've stood on bread lines

With the best,

Watched while the headlines

Did the rest.

In the Depression was I depressed?

Nowhere near.

I met a big financier

And I'm here.

I've been through Gandhi,

Windsor and Wally's affair,

And I'm here.

Amos 'n' Andy,

Mah-jongg and platinum hair,

And I'm here.

I got through Abie's

Irish Rose,

Five Dionne babies,

Major Bowes,

Had heebie-jeebies

For Beebe's

Bathysphere.

I lived through Brenda Frazier

And I'm here.

I've gotten through Herbert and J. Edgar Hoover,

Gee, that was fun and a half.

When you've been through Herbert and J. Edgar Hoover,

Anything else is a laugh.

I've been through Reno.

I've been through Beverly Hills,

And I'm here.

Reefers and vino,

Rest cures, religion and pills,

And I'm here

Been called a pinko

Commie tool,

Got through it stinko

By my pool.

I should have gone to an acting school.

That seems clear,

Still, someone said, "She's sincere,"

So I'm here.

Black sable one day.

Next day it goes into hock,

But I'm here.

Top billing Monday,

Tuesday you're touring in stock,

But I'm here.

First you're another

Sloe-eyed vamp,

Then someone's mother,

Then you're camp.

Then you career from career

To career.

I'm almost through my memoirs.

And I'm here.

I've gotten through "Hey, lady, aren't you whoozis?

Wow! What a looker you were."

Or, better yet, "Sorry, I thought you were whoozis.

Whatever happened to her?"

Good times and bum times,

I've seen 'em all and, my dear,

I'm still here.

Flush velvet sometimes,

Sometimes just pretzels and beer,

But I'm here.

I've run the gamut.

A to Z.

Three cheers and dammit,

C'est la vie.

I got through all of last year

And I'm here.

Lord knows, at least I was there,

And I'm here!

Look who's here!

I'm still here!"

Hoooooly crap that song is long.

Hooo boy, was Rachel jealous. She picked a standard, undemanding sentimental torch song. Mercedes picked the show-stopper. The freaking long show-stopper. I wonder what would've been more of a show-off piece: that, or "Can That Boy Foxtrot." They were both written for the actress playing Carlotta when they found that she was a very good singer despite playing one of the minor characters, and she needed a show-stopping number. Sondheim wrote "Can That Boy Foxtrot" and then oh forget it.

The audience burst into applause, as they should, because it's an awesome song that they'd never heard before.

"Wow, Mercedes." Will said. "I take it you've been practicing over the summer."

"Only practicing my attitude," Mercedes said.

Wow! I really can't write this character, can I? It's amazing! Let's see who else I can ruin!

But later! I've had way too much of this. So, assuming that this doesn't get reported due to those lyrics I copied and pasted (and you'd better not – you know how tedious it is to go and put spaces in the right place for those blocks of text?), I'll write another chapter later, after I finish… doing whatever it is that I'm doing instead of these stupid stories. Can't be much, I'm sure.

Who knows? Maybe I'll get to that actual shipping crap.