Psychoanalysis in Alagaesia

Or,

Discovering Just How Screwed Up the Inheritance Characters Really Are

"Red sword, red dragon. It's not that difficult of a concept!" Murtagh shook his hair out of his face to glare more effectively at Eragon.

"What kind of a coward steals a man's sword? Even if it does match his dragon?" said Eragon, with a tone of exasperation.

"Your sword is supposed to match your dragon, and I needed one!"

"You know son, you pay and awful lot of attention to matching colors. Are you gay?" asked Morzan, looking up from cleaning his nails with a dagger.

"You can shut up," said Murtagh, acidly.

"I notice you don't have a girlfriend yet," said Morzan, an evil smile crossing his lips.

"I don't exactly have time for a girlfriend. Besides, good-looking, non-psycho, immortal girls are tough to find!"

"…Or you just don't swing that way."

"Shut the fuck up!"

"Watch your fuckin' language!" shouted Selena, looking up from her zen sand tray dr. Smith had given her for relaxation."

"We were doing so well, with that humming and bonding thing," said Dr Smith, smoothing his comb-over. "Morzan, get back to raking the sand. It's therapeutic."

"Therapeutic, sheraputic. I have a gay son! He will never carry on my line!" Morzan looked on the verge of tears.

"Can we have a little acceptance? There's nothing wrong with being homosexual," said Dr. Smith.

"Really? You're expecting him to be anything other than a homophobic, sword-throwing, child-maiming bastard?" asked Brom, looking up from his sand tray.

"I'm not GAY!" shouted Murtagh.

"It must be dark in that closet…" said Eragon.

"You shut up, you're still a naïve little virgin who can't even get a century-old elf!" Murtagh began furiously raking sand.

"How do you know I'm—Arya and I are friends—"

"Virgin."

"Shut up!"

"Elf-lover."

"She's gorgeous!"

"…and a cougar."

"Murtagh!" said Selena.

"I'm just saying."

"He has a point," said Brom. "It really is a bit ridiculous, Eragon."

"You—you—whose side are you on?" spluttered Eragon.

"I'm just saying, falling for an elf is asking for trouble."

"And what kind of experience would you have in that?' asked Selena.

Brom turned red, and busied himself with the sand tray.

"I said—"

"It was a fling, all right?" said Brom. "She was very beautiful, and it was before I'd even met you!"

"You never told me you shagged an elf!" shouted Selena.

"But—but—I like you much better!" said Brom defensively.

"How did you do it?" asked Eragon.

"You're going to ask your father how to get with a girl?" asked Murtagh." "That's sad."

"Not as sad as asking your father how to get with a guy," said Morzan.

"If you'd know how, then keep that information to yourself. I don't need it," said Murtagh, looking away from Morzan with a regal turn of the head.

"You know, Murtagh, we'll accept you for who you are," said Dr. Smith.

"I'M NOT GAY, I'M IN LOVE WITH THE LEADER OF THE REBEL FORCE I'M SWORN TO FIGHT!" yelled Murtagh.

There were several beats of silence.

"Cool story, bro," said Brom.

"You like Nasuada?" asked Eragon.

"Who's Nasuada? I thought he was talking about Ajihad," said Morzan.

"What kind of a girl is she?" asked Selena.

"This is not going to turn into a discussion of my love life. Can we do the inkblot thing again, or something?" asked Murtagh.

"Actually, I was thinking of doing an exercise to release anger," said Dr. Smith. "I have here—" (here he pulled out an inflatable punching dummy) "a way for you to get out your anger in a healthy way."

"That thing is unnatural," said Morzan, and punctured it with his dagger.

"You just—did you really just pop the dummy? Really?" asked Dr. Smith. He took a few deep breaths and resumed his usual calm state. "Anyway, we're going to duel with padded sticks. You can't hurt each other—"
"Where the fun in that?" asked Eragon dejectedly.

"—but you can get out your aggressions."

"I can totally beat you up with a padded stick."

Morzan giggled in a very immature way, and Selena slapped him.

"Don't act like a teenager. That's their job." A few moments later, Murtagh and Eragon, attired in fencing masks and clutching foam-padded jousting sticks, stepped into the middle of the room. Everyone else was barricaded behind Dr. Smith's desk.

"It is on!" shouted Eragon, charging Murtagh with a fierce war cry.

Then the whacking began.

And continued…

And continued…

"How long does this 'getting out aggressions' crap take?" asked Morzan in bored tones.

"Until they run out of energy," sighed Dr. Smith.

"You stupid half-fairy!" shouted Murtagh, pummeling Eragon.

"I'm a half-ELF! And you're in love with a psycho who condemns a hero to fifty lashes!"

"At least she's not old enough to be my grandmother!"

Selena sighed. Morzan jarred her zen tray with his elbow.

"Idiot," muttered Selena.

"Selena, we talked about 'I messages,'" said Dr. Smith, without much hope.

Selena flipped him off.

No. Way. I'm…updating!

It's short. But I like it.

Homophobia was not intended.