Yaaay, AVPM/S fic! AVPM belongs to Starkid, the original idea for Harry Potter belongs to JK Rowling. Nothing belongs to me. Not even a pack of redvines at the moment :(

Just a warning: This is based on the MUSICALS not the books or movies. If you haven't seen them, you probably won't understand this.

This is set during the first musical, so timeline-wise, it's after the sequel. If that makes sense.

Harry Potter had a serious problem. His guitar-playing, singing, generally-Harry-Potter-being lifestyle was threatened by the upcoming Triwizard Tournament- how was he supposed to defeat that dragon?

'According to my research,' Hermione said as the three wandered down towards the forest, 'dragons…'

'You know, we'd be more likely to listen to what you had to say if you were hot, Herman,' Ron butted in, 'and Harry doesn't want geeky advice from books. Here, Harry,' the redhead reached into his pocket and pulled out a familiar blue packet. 'Have a redvine. If they can't help you win the Tournament, I don't know what will!'

By this time, the trio had reached the outskirts of the Forbidden Forest. Ron, happily munching on his favourite snack, gulped.

'Uh, guys?' Harry said, clutching his guitar closer, 'why'd we come here? Isn't the forest full of…you know, scary stuff?'

Ron's grip on his pack of redvines tightened. 'It is?'

'We're going in the Forbidden Forest,' Hermione huffed indignantly, 'cause we need to find a way to defeat the dragon- for a first line of attack we can ask Hagrid, and then if that doesn't work…'

'Humans!' a silky and rather dignified voice boomed, and the three jumped out of their skins and whirled around. A tall creature strode out from the trees, long white hair and tail glistening.

'It's Firenze!' Harry, Ron and Hermione chorused, 'our centaur friend!'

'Friends!' Firenze held up his hands, 'you must come forth and help me- my human woman is in great distress, and we cenchaurs know not how to assuage her.'

'Uh, what?' Ron said, his brow furrowed and a half-chewed redvine hanging out of his mouth.

'Human woman?' Harry asked, 'what human woman?'

'The one you know as Umbridge,' the centaur replied gravely. The three children shuddered as one. Oh, that human woman…

'The fair maiden whom was once your security officer…'

'UMBRIDGE? FAIR?' Harry and Ron exclaimed, earning a glare from Hermione. Firenze went on as though they hadn't spoken.

'Oh yes, our fair Umbridge has been in high dudgeon for nigh on two weeks, and not even snapdragons and coitus can cheer her up…' (Harry and Ron screwed up their faces at the mental image) 'So you see, you humans must come forth and ascertain what is wrong with her. You know these emotions better than we cenchaurs do.'

'Thanks, Firenze, but no thanks!' Harry said, 'See, last yaer Umbridge made our school lives hell, she insulted my parents' memory, tried to beat my friends, tried to kill me- me, Harry Freaking Potter!' he put a hand to his heart at the horror of it all, 'No offence, Firenze, but your girlfriend's kinda not my favourite person. Anyway, I got problems of my own right now- I got the Triwizard Tournament coming up, and I gotta figure out how to beat this dragon…'

Ding! Ding!

'Oh, no…' Firenze whipped out his mobile phone. 'It's a text from Umbridge!'

The trio could understand the centaur's fear- Umbridge could text with a vengeance.

'Where'd you go, Umbridge not happy,' Firenze read aloud, 'colon, left parenthesis…oh no!' he turned the phone on its side to get a better look at the emoticon. 'A sad face! Oh, Harry Potter!' he said, his angelic centaur face betraying his worry, 'I beseech you to come help my human. A sad face, I have come to understand, represents the emotion of sadness…'

'Come on, guys,' Hermione piped up. 'I know we hate Umbridgem but Firenze is a great guy and all magical creatures deserve to be happy! In fact, I'm thinking of starting a society devoted to making centaurs' lives better- I call it the Committee for the Rehabilitation of Abused Ponies, the only problem is, the abbreviation for that is…'

'Okay, okay!' Harry said, daunted by the prospect of having to sign another of Hermione's petitions, 'I'm goin'!'

Grumbling, he slung his guitar over his shoulder and started towards Firenze.

'Oh, fine, I'll go if Harry goes,' Ron moaned, stuffing another three redvines in his mouth for comfort and running to join him.

'Ah, my friends,' Firenze beamed, 'we cenchaurs are most grateful. Oh, and Hermione, the friend you call Draco will be ever so pleased to see you!'

'Draco?' Hermione suddenly went very pale. 'Change of plans, guys, I'm not coming!'

'Hermione!' Harry whinged, 'going to see Umbridge was your idea in the first place! Why don't you wanna go?'

'Uhm,' Hermione began, taking a step back, 'I just remembered, I got a lotta studying to do…in the library! Yeah, that's it!'

Ron waggled his eyebrows. 'Oh yeah? You're just scared of a diaper baby like Draco Malfoy!'

Hermione drew herself up to her full height. 'I am not!'

'Are too…' Ron challenged.

'Guys, guys,' Harry pushed between them, 'Nobody's paying enough attention to me! Anyway, we all know that Malfoy in the forest isn't the same Malfoy we know and hate right now! He saved us from those Death Eaters, and he helped us go back in time…sure he's a stalker around Hermione, and sure he's a diaper baby, but we promised Firenze we'd go, and now we gotta do it, even if we don't want to.'

'Gosh, you're so wise, Harry,' Ron said, his voice burning with admiration.

'Hey,' Harry grinned, 'they don't call me Harry Freakin' Potter for nothing! Now let's go help our centaur friend!' And with that the trio set off for the Centaur Tree Village.

I know it's short so far, but I have the whole thing planned out and I will try to update regularly. What's wrong with Umbridge? What does colon, left parenthesis really mean? Can redvines help Harry solve his problem? Tune in next time.

Also, redvines to all those who review, and giant Hershey's bars to anyone who can tell me, for bonus points, what the acronym for Hermione's centaur protection club is XD