Mess of Me, a skins fanfic

A/N: This is my newest Skins USA one-shot. The italics at the beginning are bits of lyrics from the song "Mess of Me" by Switchfoot, which has become one of my recent favorite songs. They inspired the gist of this story. I started writing this after the episode "Abbud" and then added the section with Daisy's therapy session after that episode aired in the middle of me watching. I finished before the first season finale "Eura/Everyone" aired, otherwise I would have included some of the Tony/Tea moments in that as well. Since I was already done, this ends up being AU toward the end, and I supposed I'll probably be writing something that has to do with the finale at some point. Also I have a poll on my profile if you feel like voting. I'm trying to decide what category to do my next multi chapter story for, Skins USA is one of the options, so if you'd like to see that go ahead and vote. Anyway, enjoy! R&R! Thanks! –Mac

Disclaimer: I don't own.

Mess of Me

I am my own affliction

I am my own disease

There ain't no drug that they could sell

Ah there ain't no drug to make me well

There ain't no drug, it's not enough

The sickness is myself

We lock our souls in cages

We hide inside our shells

It's hard to free the ones you love

Oh, when you can't forgive yourself

I made a mess of me

I wanna get back the best of me

I made a mess of me

I wanna reverse this tragedy

I made a mess of me

I wanna spend the rest of my life alive

The rest of my life alive

Tea is supposed to be the one that is entirely put together. She's supposed to be the one who has her shit together. There's no denying that she has her own share of issues—the necessity of closeted behavior around her family, her inability to create a lasting connection with a lover past one night, and the fact that she's as fucked up as the rest of them when it comes to covering emotions with drugs, alcohol and gratuitous sex. Yet she's supposed to be the one that's sure of herself, comfortable in her skin, and hyper aware of her self-identity. She's supposed to know who she is when everyone else is still searching.

Michelle is an emotional wreck, whose life is devoid of any kind of discipline or self control. Cadie is so blitzed on prescriptions that even in her most lucid moments it's surprising she remembers her own name. When he can find the motivation to drag himself out of bed, Stanley is lethargic at best and spends most of his time pining over a girl he can't have. Chris's troubles at home only take the backburner to his ever readiness for the next party or great high and his hot for teacher one track mind. Abbud, with his desperate to lose his virginity sex craze, drowns in self doubt and fear of rejection. Daisy is a ticking time bomb of emotions she has bottled up for years, while she puts everything into solving everyone else's problems. And Tony, although most like Tea in composure and control thrives on his ability to manipulate everyone around him but if he were to lose his grip, lose control on life, then he would lose all sense of who he is as a person.

Tea acknowledges and embraces her dysfunctions in a way none of them, save maybe Tony, has been able to do. She's supposed to know exactly what she wants and what she needs. And she believes that she does, once upon a time. She thinks she can hold herself together when everyone else is breaking. But one night, one lapse, it brings everything down around her.

It starts out innocent enough, a simple "date" with a best friend to score some extra cash. She doesn't think it could ever amount to anything more than an opportunity to get drunk with one person she knows that doesn't put her to sleep with mundane conversation. She finds out a little too late just how far it could go and how wrong she has been about things she thought were unquestionable.

Because of how sure of herself she has always been, she doesn't see it coming. Her guards are down to begin with and her inhibitions are further weakened by the copious amounts of alcohol they consume at the park.

Tony is telling her something about her inability to find someone who doesn't bore her to tears, someone who matches her ever step: someone like him. The alarm bells should be going off and if it were anyone else, then they would be. But this is Tony—one of her best friends and not to mention a boy. None of these things should create any kind of attraction in her. Yet she lets him come with her to that place. And the music plays and fills her up and compels her to move. Her head is swimming but she keeps dancing. Then Tony is dancing with her and there's something there that hits her unexpectedly. She backs him towards the wall. She's not sure why or how she manages it. All she knows is he was matching her step for step and she doesn't realize that she should pull away until it's too late to turn back.

When she kisses him, she realizes her mistake and she knows she should run. But she doesn't. There's something between her and Tony that is unmistakable. It's there just under the surface, settling just under her skin. It has been there for a long time—unlike anything they share with other people—unacknowledged and unspoken. It has been fine all this time before because it used to just be there—unexplainable because it was just out of their grasp. It was nothing more than something that lingered outside their perception.

The mistake she has just made is to make it tangible, make it real and undeniable, even if she still doesn't know what it is exactly.

She is curious, that's why she doesn't leave. She sits on that couch because she wants to know it Tony felt it too. She leaves it up to him, lets him choose. A part of her hopes maybe he'll be the one to question it, the one to come to his senses and say, "what the hell are we doing?" She hopes maybe he'll leave, because she can't be the one to, not until she knows. But he doesn't leave and she should have known he wouldn't. She should have known that he would never leave, never pass up on the chance to do this with her—to go to this unknown, unexplored place and to take her with him. She should have known because she knows how much Tony loves the chase, loves the challenge, but especially loves the inevitable capture. She has set herself up. And the other part of her knows that's exactly what she had meant to do.

Tony kisses her and presses her down into the couch as he crawls over her. There's no lead up, no foreplay, no stalling, no hesitation. It's just his hand under her dress, pulling aside what's in his way. It's his pants off and her leg curled around his waist, leaving her open for him. And then the question, the last chance to stop, "Are you sure?" She's not sure, not sure at all. But it's not that she doesn't know if she really wants this that puts her on edge, it's the part of her that will not say no, even though she's not sure, that scares her. Yet even if she had wanted to stop, she wouldn't. She can't back down from anything anymore than Tony can. So she nods and then he's inside her.

It hurts more than she thought it would. She should have expected it, but she isn't exactly thinking clearly. She winces and tries not to cry out as he moves. And then she has to laugh, laugh off the pain, laugh through the pain, because it's Tony. She has just lost whatever semblance of virginity she had left to Tony. If someone had told her this is where she would end up, she would have laughed. She still laughs, because this ridiculous, unbelievable thing just happened.

Then Tony laughs with her and she feels a little better. She thinks for a moment that maybe things can go back to normal. That he can be Tony and she can be Tea, and they can be best friends the way they've always been—even though this incident is now there between them.

It isn't until she is walking home that she realizes that this changes everything. One moment, and she doesn't even know who she is anymore. A lesbian who just had a casual fling with a boy? She had thought she was sure of herself only hours before, now she has no idea what she's doing.

He tries to get her alone and she avoids him. He tries to call her and she turns off her phone. He asks her to talk to him and she has nothing to say.

She wants to forget it ever happened but she can't get it out of her head. She watches him when he's not looking and she feels his eyes on her when she looks away.

Guilt, shame, uncertainty—she feels it all and he feels something completely different, something she's not sure she believes in. Things are beyond screwed up and she doesn't want anyone to find out. He seems to want the world to know, if she'll give him the chance. She won't give him the chance. Everything she once knew about herself won't allow her to admit that she's fucked everything up.

The second time is a fluke. It's not supposed to happen but Betty is getting suffocating and Abbud makes an advance on her and Tony is just there. She tells Abbud that nothing is going to happen between her and him because that's not the way she's built—and that's the truth. She has never, ever been attracted to a boy…until Tony. There's something about him that fits her. So when he corners her out in the woods, she is overwhelmed by his intensity. She's taken aback at the pure need he feels for her. She realizes she wants him too and she wonders if maybe she was built for him.

That's why she lets him lead her to that cluttered shack, far away from the prying eyes of their friends and his girlfriend. She lets him kiss her on the way and his touch is desperate but controlled in a way only Tony could pull off. His hands tug on her clothes and she lets him pull off her red t-shirt, leaving it somewhere in the dirt behind them. They stumble into the shack trying to navigate around the mess in the dark. She lets him lay her down and pull her jeans off. When he has divested her of all her clothes, he leaves her naked and stands to undress himself. She watches with a sick curiosity and wonders how she got to this place again. It feels right and wrong at the same time, but however wrong if feels, the part that acknowledges how much Tony matches her, overpowers it. So when he comes back to her, she accepts him into her arms.

This time is uncomfortable, not so much painful, but still a strange and foreign feeling. She doesn't laugh this time, instead he kisses her. His fingers tangle in her hair, angling her toward him and anchoring her in the kiss. It's a kind of intimacy she isn't expecting. She's surprised at how good it feels. Tony moves faster and is less gentle this time around and she meets his every move. She's on the brink of actually giving herself over to the idea that she could actually enjoy sex with a boy, with Tony, when Abbud stumbles into the shack knocking over everything in his path and screaming his head off.

Any pleasure she may or may not have felt is immediately washed away by guilt, shame and regret.

Tony jumps away from her, and searches for his pants. She tries to keep herself covered as Abbud just hovers there. He stands there staring back and forth between Tony and her, like he's failing to grasp what he has walked in on. She has to yell at him to leave before he turns and runs from the building. She stares after him as her mind races over everything that is wrong in this situation.

"Was it any better that time?" Tony asks, going to look for the rest of his clothes.

"No, Tony. No," She answers, because there is no other answer.

Maybe it would have been better. Better if Abbud hadn't interrupted them with that look of betrayal and devastation on his face. Better if there weren't so many things fucked up about what they were doing Maybe there is something between her and Tony that works, because they're equally fucked up in the head, but she can't acknowledge it anymore, because it's only going to screw everything up more. She has to rethink her conclusions about this thing going on between then, because at first she thought if it was going to hurt anyone it would be her and Tony and they can handle anything that life throws at them, but now she knows that's not the case. Her reasons for doing this are the wrong reasons—pushing herself toward bad behavior so nothing good can happen because she's afraid of being happy. None of them are really capable of being truly happy, but she's purposefully depriving herself of any shred of happiness. She can't do this anymore. It's self-destructive. And if she breaks too much, she might not be able to bounce back from it. She's making a mess of herself that she's not sure she can clean up. It's bad enough that she is spiraling out of control, but now she's dragging everyone else down with her.

Tea recognizes her mistakes regarding Tony, and tries to repent by actually trying with Betty. It's hard, because, except for the heated moments when she is clouded by lust, Betty grates on her nerves. Betty wants more from her than she can give, and seems to think that Tea is obligated to give it because she came out for her. It's almost too much to handle, especially with the things about Tony she's hiding from everyone weighing down on her. She's almost ready to tell Betty to take a hike, but she is afraid that if she breaks down the last façade she has built up around her, everything will come spilling out. And that would be the end of her, of the small piece of composure she has maintained in all the chaos she has created.

Michelle finds out that Tony is cheating on her and the scene she causes in the middle of the cafeteria causes a rift through the group. Everyone already knows that Tony is prone to straying, because he gets bored too easily and he's too unfeeling to consider Michelle's feelings on the matter. Nobody knew that Michelle didn't know about the other girls in Tony's life. Her fury scares Tea, her violence is jarring, and Tea is fighting back tears. She has never cried in front of her friends, not once, and she has no intention of starting now. And even though Tony is looking at her like he wants to beg her to stay because she is the one person who would make this worth Michelle's blow to the face and groin, she leaves before she surrenders to the traitorous tears.

She ends up at Michelle's door because she thinks maybe is she is brave enough to come clean to Michelle, then Michelle will tell her what a horrible person she is, and then she won't be tempted to ever repeat her actions again. All the courage drains out of her the minute she sees Michelle and she knows that she is losing the parts of herself that she was sure of little by little. Before all of this, she would have spoken her mind without faltering—"I fucked your boyfriend. What are you going to do about it?"—but before all this she never would have had to worry about revealing that she slept with someone's boyfriend. It's unnerving that she is losing her identity to the point that she has no idea who she is anymore.

The way Michelle finds out the truth is anti-climactic and accidental. She knows that everything has gone to shit the moment her bag tips over. What little she had left to hold on onto, it all falls apart in a split second. Everyone knows, everyone knows and she can't face their staring eyes. The charade is over. Her life has unraveled and she was her own undoing.

Daisy tries to help by providing counseling sessions, but that doesn't help at all. The only thing she accomplishes is getting Tea to say out loud why she did what she did—for Tony to hear. And what Tea says is true. The sex was mediocre at best, but mostly terrible, but something about Tony still makes her want him. In the ends, she has dug an even bigger hole than she had been in before. Abbud is mad at her, Michelle hates her, and she still has to ignore the strange connection she has with Tony. Not to mention she has resorted to snapping at the few people who aren't pissed at her, even when they are trying to help her. She wants to forget it all, make it go away, but she doesn't know how.

And until she figures herself out, everyone around her is suffering.

Life takes on a semblance of normalcy. Tony and Michelle are done for good, and Michelle has coldness about her that was never there before—but they move on and take on patterns similar to their old ways. Tony screws around with every blonde airhead with long legs and large breasts he comes in contact with. Michelle drinks and smokes and transfers her unstable emotions onto Stanley. They pretend everything is normal—or as normal as their lives can be—even though everything has changed.

Tea tries to do the same but she is rapidly descending into depression or insanity, she's not sure which. She goes through the motions but her actions are empty—more so than they've ever been before. She's detached and drowning in guilt. There is nothing left of her that she recognizes. She is a stranger to herself.

It's a party like any other party they've been at before, but everything is still different. Tea goes because it's expected of her, but she isn't really in the mood to get wasted. She wanders through the clusters of unfamiliar people and finds Chris standing behind a counter. The counter is littered with a variety of drug paraphernalia and bottles of every kind of liquor known to man.

When Chris spots her, he grins like a little schoolboy and waves his hands out to present his bounty to her. "Pick your poison. We're getting fucked up tonight."

"No thanks, Monkey Man," she shakes her head. "None of that is gonna fix me. I'm beyond help."

"I haven't met a problem that a little self-medication can't handle," Chris replies, lifting and shaking a baggie of pills at her.

"You haven't had my problems," She says.

"In that case, have a beer," Chris pushes a red plastic cup, filled with frothy beer, toward her, "avoid the backyard, because Michelle is on a drunken rampage out there that will likely turn violent if she sees you and Tony is looking for you."

"Thanks, Chris," She says as she takes the beer and weaves back into the crowd to head for the living room.

In the living room, music is pounding out of a stereo. She is tempted to let go and dance, but she holds back. Abbud is dancing clumsily in the center of the room near a group of girls, who look like they're formulating exit strategies, but his presence isn't what makes her retreat seconds after entering. It is Betty's accusing eyes, staring at her from across the room, which make her leave in a hurry. The last thing she needs is another confrontation, but her departure is not quick enough because Betty catches up with her, following her down a deserted hall. Tea keeps moving down the hall, even as Betty stays on her heels. She downs the rest of her beer and discards her cup before she turns to Betty at the end of the hall.

"Do you want something?" Tea asks.

"How could you?" Betty replies, "I just want to know why."

"Look," Tea breathes, "you're a nice girl and we had fun while it lasted. I thought maybe you could mean more than a good lay, but that in no way entitles you to question me now that it's over between us. There are very few people to whom I owe explanations; you are not one of them."

"You don't think I deserve an explanation for why the girl I thought was a lesbian—who I came out for, I might add—suddenly has an affinity for dick?" Betty raises an eyebrow.

"You're right," Tea says. "You want the reason why? Here's why: you. The first time with Tony was a lapse in judgment. The second time, though, was because of you. You were hanging around and being clingy and for the first time I thought maybe a girl would be worth my time enough to keep around. And I tripped out, so I tried to mess everything up. I thought if I had sex with Tony then I wouldn't have to be the person that could be with you. It was wrong, I was wrong, but I'm glad I did it now, because it proved to me that you aren't worth my time."

"You're a fake," Betty spits at her.

"You're not the first person to tell me that," Tea laughs to herself. "Go ahead and judge me, everyone else is, but the difference between them and you, Betty, is they actually matter."

"You and Tony deserve each other," Betty says, shaking her head. "You both live to make everyone around you miserable. Look around you, all those friends who matter so much to you, they hate you for what you did."

"They'll eventually forgive me. We'll get past this because we are all any of us really have. It might take a long time and things might be shit until then, but I can wait it out. You don't understand it because you're not like us, you don't belong. And I was stupid to think you could," Tea looks Betty right in the eyes and says casually, "So go ahead and hate me, be angry at me, call me a bitch, call me a fraud, call me any name you want, hell, call Tony any name you want—we deserve it, I deserve it. Yet none of this will make you any less insignificant."

Betty has the decency to look taken aback, at the very least, but she composes herself rather quickly. Tea gives her credit for that, but she's on her last nerve with the girl lashing out at her.

"Want to know something, Tea? I don't think I belong here either. It's probably best that you don't lump me in with your dysfunctional band of miscreants masquerading as decent human beings," Betty says, looking proud of herself. "They're—"

Something snaps in Tea and she recovers a semblance of her former self. There is one certainty that hasn't been stolen from her—her loyalties lie with her friends and no outsider is going to mistreat them if she has anything to say about it. Tea wants to wipe the smirk off of Betty's face for ever thinking she could insult Tea's friends and get away with it. Moving in close to Betty, Tea stares down at her.

"It's probably best if you don't finish that sentence," Tea lowers her voice to an intimidating whisper and Betty takes a step back, "because if you say another word against my friends I will make your life a living hell. Tony and I are fair game, but the rest of them have done absolutely nothing to you, except tolerate your unwanted presence."

It is enough to shut Betty up for good, and she rushes away back down the hallway to return to the party. As Betty retreats, the momentary ferocity Tea had felt drains out of her. Although she has been her own undoing, she has been through more than she can handle properly. She wants to take it all back, reverse the problems she has caused, and get back the best parts of herself. Yet that's impossible, and all the emotions she usually locks away, overwhelm her, threatening to spill out for everyone to see.

She leans back against the hallway wall. Trying her best to collect herself, she closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. She exhales a shuddering breath and slides down the wall to sit on the ground. She is almost ready to surrender to the emotional collapse that is creeping up on her.

10.

The door to the room closest to her opens and she looks up to find Tony looking down at her. She meets his gaze and there is a moment of silent exchange. Then Tony offers her his hand. Hesitantly, because of what doing so might lead to, she reaches out and takes it. He pulls her to her feet and leads her into the room. The first thing she notices is the distinct smell of weed and cigarette smoke, leaving nothing to the imagination regarding what Tony had been doing holed up in there. The she realizes that it's a bedroom and she starts to panic for a moment. She pushes the feeling aside because, even though Tony is a bastard, having all their friends pissed at them is affecting him too. He wouldn't try anything that could make their problems worse. He isn't that much of a glutton for punishment; at least she hopes he's not.

Tony closes the door behind him before he speaks, "You actually sounded like your old self for awhile there."

"You were listening?" Tea asks, trying to sound casual as she occupies herself by inspecting the odds and ends that litter the top of a vanity table on the side of the room farthest from Tony.

"Hard not to," Tony says. When she glances up at him, she can see how stiffly he is standing. He wants to come closer to her, but he's not letting himself. She appreciates the gesture he'll never admit he's making.

"I wasn't aware I had a new self."

"Don't bullshit me Tay," Tony says firmly. "You've been walking around like a zombie since Chelle found out."

"Fuck Tony, what do you expect?" Tea bursts out. She turns around swiftly to look at him. She hates herself for the tears that are threatening to fall. "This broke me. I don't know what's wrong with me. I can't fix it. I can't make it go away. I don't know who I am anymore."

"I know who you are," Tony replies.

"No," Tea shakes her head. "You know who you want me to be. You want me to be the lesbian who turned straight for you: the successful seduction of the one unattainable girl."

"That's what you think I want?" Tony scowls.

"Isn't it?"

"I want you to be Tea, my best friend, the girl who knows me inside and out," Tony shrugs. "I want you to be Tea, I want you to be you, whatever that entails. Who you are is up to you."

"Come back to the real world Tone," Tea scoffs. "Who I am is up to me? Maybe in whatever fantasy world you've concocted for us, that's true. But here, who I am is decided by how everyone sees me. And right now, everyone is pissed because I deviated from the image they had of me. I don't know what to do, because if I'm not what they think I am, then what am I?"

"Did you ever think that maybe they're wrong?" Tony asks. "Or maybe that people change, they grow and they learn and they change?"

"People don't change Tony, that's why were' in this mess we're in," Tea says.

"You need to forgive yourself Tay. No one else will forgive you as long as you're blaming yourself."

"I can't."

"What's stopping you?"

"What we did was wrong. I don't deserve forgiveness."

"Sure, what we did was wrong. I shouldn't have cheated on Michelle. I'm an asshole. I've never claimed otherwise. But that doesn't change the fact that it did happen, and everyone has to move past it."

"It's not just about Michelle. It's about me," Tea says. She takes a moment to steady her breathing before finishing, "I went against everything I knew I was. I betrayed myself as much as we betrayed Michelle and everyone else."

"God, Tea," Tony exclaims. He walks toward her and places his hands on her shoulders, forcing her to look at him as he says "This is what I'm talking about. The problem isn't that you went against the person you knew you were it's that you didn't know who you were in the first place. What happened between us proved that to you and now you're questioning everything about yourself because you're confused about your sexuality."

Tea pulls out of Tony's grasp, backing away until her back presses into the vanity table behind her, "I'm not confused about my sexuality."

"You said it yourself. There is something about me you can't help wanting."

"I did say that, but whatever it is that I want about you has nothing to do with the sex," Tea says. "It's something different."

Tony's shoulders sag and he moves to sit on the edge of the bed. "I'm aware of that. We've both been searching for our match, and we found it in each other."

"It's not enough."

"Bullshit, 'it's not enough,'" Tony shakes his head. "We're so fucked up Tay. We have these feelings that we hide and bottle up and lock away out of sight. We push them so far away that we don't even know what they feel like anymore. We make ourselves numb. We play the parts they give us. We love to act out the roles, because it gives us something to hide behind. But I don't want to hide anymore. You make me feel. I want to feel. I want you, only you."

"Tony," Tea says warningly.

"Do you think this isn't hard for me too? I've been a wreck, just like you. This isn't who I'm supposed to be, it isn't who I thought I was, but it's who I want to be," Tony's voice raises with each word. "I made my decision, because I can't spend all my time and energy fighting it anymore. I'm exhausted, and I know you must be too. So it is time for you to suck it up and make your choice."

"It isn't a choice for me Tony," Tea replies.

"It is," Tony corrects. "You have to decide what you want more: what you get from me, or what you get from them."

Tony's tone of voice is so serious and matter of fact, that Tea feels it is necessary for her to lighten the mood. She forces a smile and clarifies, "Them meaning the hordes of horny girls just waiting to jump my bones?"

"This isn't a joke, Tay," Tony sighs. "This is really important."

"I know," Tea says quietly. She walks over and sits beside Tony. She reaches for his hand and holds it tightly in her own. "Will you be angry if I don't choose you? Because I don't think I could handle you hating me too."

"If it's honestly what you want, then I'm not going to stand in your way. I could never hate you Tea. I don't have it in me," Tony answers, giving her hand a squeeze.

"I thought this would be easier," Tea says after a moment of tense quiet.

"What?" Tony tilts his head to try to meet her eyes.

"Saying no to you," Tea shakes her head slightly. "I thought it would be easy to say I don't want you and be done with it, but this is really hard. I can't say yes. Boys just aren't—"

"—aren't your style," Tony cuts her off, finishing her sentence for her. "We've all heard that before. This isn't about boys in general though. I'm not asking you to only want guys from now on. I'm actually quite fond of the fact that there aren't other guys out there vying for your attention. This isn't about anyone else, this is about how you feel about me."

"This is typical Tony, trying to get everyone to admit they're in love with you, so you can use it to your advantage," Tea breathes in deep. "You would just love it if I said I wanted to be with you more than anything, and then as soon as you have me, you're going to find someone who interests you more."

"That's not possible."

"Why not? It's what you did with Michelle."

"For one, you're not Michelle. And two, have you been listening to a word I've said? You're the only one who has ever made me feel this way, and it's the single most interesting thing I've ever experienced," Tony smirks as she meets his gaze.

"You're the only one to ever make me feel this way too," Tea finally admits. "And it shouldn't, but what I get from you means more to me than what I can get from anyone else."

Tony blows out a long breath, as if he had been holding it for ages, "I don't know what I would have done if you had actually said no."

"But Tony, you have to understand. This isn't going to be easy. It's going to be fucking hard. It's going to get rough. I'm gonna want to run, and so are you," Tea says. "And we've made a mess of ourselves and everything around us. We have to clean it up before we can do anything—"

"Just let me kiss you and we'll worry about that in the morning," Tony cuts in, giving her only a moment before he captures her lips with his.

She has been her own affliction, but try as she had to deny it, Tony is her remedy. It is going to be a slow, uphill climb to fix all the things they broke. But for her to ever be herself again, she has to have Tony—because she can't be Tea without him.