Author's Note: So I was talking to my nii-san about Naruto, and we were just fucking around, joking about Orochimaru, and how much he loves to threaten small children with his giant snake, when I got the idea for this story! Hope you enjoy this short little piece of crack xD. Takes place sometime after the Chuunin exams, but before Jiraiya and Naruto go to find Tsunade. Also, this is a dialog fic. Well, partially. I did do that on purpose :p

Happy reading ;D

It Does Look Kind of Like a Hickey, Right?

Fingers poked intrusively at his neck, despite how he tried to shrug them away. "Dude, what is that thing, anyway? I mean, I know it seems to make you even more vengeful and psychotic than usual, but what the hell is it?"

"…"

"Real mature, Sasuke! What are you gonna do, brood me to death? It's been buggin' me for a while now, so spill. You do know, don't you? Come on, tell me!"

"…Who cares? I'm not using it anyway."

"Isn't it supposed to give you ultimate power, or some crap?"

"Well, kinda. I guess. That's the impression I got, at least…"

"That creeper in the forest gave it to you, didn't he? Orochi-somethin'? He was checkin' you out. For a second, I thought he wanted to rape you, if ya' ask me." A shudder. "Scary."

"Naruto!"

"I mean, eww. Did you see what he was doing with his tongue? Gross. And the giant snake? Come on, really? What an obvious reference to sex."

The young Uchiha dropped his head into his hands, and groaned. "I don't wanna talk about this."

The offending fingers stopped prodding at his neck, and he felt a hand drop onto his shoulder instead. "Hey man, everything's all right. Naruto Uzumaki, at your service! Don't worry; I'll save you from the evil snake guy."

A scowl, as he jerked his hand away and stalked in the opposite direction. "Hmph. I don't need a loser like you watching my back. I can take care of myself."

"That's cold, dude. Real cold. I'm just tryin' to help, geez! Sakura-chan even said he bit you. Come on, who does that? I've heard about people who prey on kids like us." The blonde inched closer to his ear, leaning over to speak in a conspirator's whisper. "Kakashi-sensei told me they're called pedophiles. Weird, huh?"

Suddenly, Sasuke's palm seemed to be permanently attached to his face. "Are you always this stupid?"

Naruto didn't even respond to that last question. Abruptly, his face screwed up into a smile, and before Sasuke could comment further his teammate bursted out laughing, as if he had heard a joke and he was just now getting the punch line.

Sasuke's eyes narrowed in response. "What's so funny?" His tone might have made anyone else in their year cry, but not this kid, oh no. It only made him laugh harder.

"I get it now! That's hilarious. You know, in an 'I-don't want-you-to-get-molested-but-it's-a-little-funny-in-retrospect' kind of way. Guess Sakura-chan has more competition now. Fierce, too. This Orochi dude already got to first base, at least."

Sasuke…had nothing to say to that. He could only stare on in astonishment as Naruto thought it over some more, nearly giving himself a seizure as a result of the uncontrollable giggling that followed. Psh. Served him right. Although despite his relatively calm facade, Sasuke couldn't help but feel a quiver of apprehension in the pit of his stomach. This did not bode well.

"Careful, Sasuke, he might be waiting for you when you come home! In bed."

"What the hell are you…?!"

"Think about it. He must like you a lot. He gave you a big ass bite mark on your neck. A love bite." Then, the blonde son-of-a-bitch actually smirked and waggled his eyebrows at him.

In a sudden flash of horror, it dawned on Sasuke just exactly what Naruto was talking about. Immediately, he wanted to go back in time, to the worst night of his life, and beg Itachi to kill him on the spot. Without another word, he spun on his heel (practically running down the street), and got the hell out of there, but not before he heard it. Those words. Those dreaded words. The ones that made him want to take a kunai and slice his wrists into oblivion.

"It does look kind of like a hickey, right?"

Keep walking, Sasuke. Just remember, one day you will be in the perfect position to murder the object of your undying hatred, and you can take Naruto down with him. Then he would gleefully roll around in their blood to his heart's desire. For hours, and hours, and hours. And he would love it.

"I am right, aren't I? Oh, this is too good…I bet that pervy sage will be jealous. I heard he and the snake guy have history or something. Ooh, maybe this is what they call a love triangle? Good luck with that, Sasuke! Sasuke? Hey come back, I'm not done laughing at your expense yet…"

Sasuke released a long-suffering sigh. He would never live this down.

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I had to do it. I just had to xD.

This is not Sasuke/Naruto by the way. They're just friends. Nor is it seriously hinting at Orochimaru/Jiraiya. The idea of Orochimaru with anyone is revolting :/. This was just all in good fun. Reviews are appreciated ^_^