Complete Insanity

By: Celeny

Author's Note – Yes. I know. I KNOW. I have not updated in, well, forever. O what a rogue and peasant slave am I!!!!! But please, PLEASE dear friends, forgive me. I am ashamed. ASHAMED. I SHALL MAKE IT UP TO YOU! I swear it! I shall, update SOON! SOOOOON!! SOONER THAN I HAVE EVER UPDATED BEFORE!

By the way – If you CRAVE more Insanity in the mean time, check out my 'Order of the Gold Thing'. Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pippin must save the world from the terrors of fine dining and fancy French food. It is…..interesting. : )

Individual thanks below, but, before you read those, my loves, know that Dumbledore's appearance was suggested by the brilliant Me, as is Gimli's little elf doll inserted for the wondrous evil witch queen.

Normal Human Being – No, you cannot be normal, no matter what your name may suggest! Do not be eaten by the tobacco based products! You cannot! You cannot be hung either! I shall take your place like in 'A Tale of Two Cities' and romantically make a speech how it is a far, far better thing I do now than I have ever done before, and then I will die, die glistening BRAVELY in the sunlight, yet shout my love for you, my dear reviewer! MY DEAR REVIEWER!!!!!!

Elendor – Here's your new chapter, slut! : ) What IS a jaffa cake, exactly? I have never had one. Are they good? Not grounded? Hooray! But still banned….hehe. A goose called Bazil? I MUST USE IT IN THE NEXT CHAPTER! It's very interesting when you eat and eat, and don't realize it, and suddenly you've eaten the whole box! VERY INSTERESTING INDEED……

Elgatocat – Yey! Funny funny! I die blissfully, you see. And YES, I have WRITTEN MORE, it just took me ::looks at watch:: three months! NOOO!!! I AM SORRY!!!! I GET ON MY KNEES BEFORE YOU!!!!

Begora John – MY LOVE! Thank you for all the reviews! I shall adore you for all time. Do you know, I think Aragorn WAS at the Barenaked Ladies concert….I DISTINCTLY remember him seeing something that he thought was called 'Barenaked Butter'…..hmmmm….

Amy (Dûnathiel) – Why thank you ever so! : ) PIKACHU! Yes, I am QUITE FOND of the little rat, I keep it around somewhere and it often does my cooking and cleaning…. Thank you for reviewing! I shall adore your memory for YEARS TO COME!!

Krystlsailormoon – Oooo, Samarah LIVES with you! I suppose she often claims that she is misunderstood. I loved the Cabbage Patch Kids, you, in fact, half inspired me with the Care Bears! I know not how, but you did! I WILL NOT QUESTION YOUR ACRONYMS! I AM SORRY, SO SORRY!!

Me – so ME is not related to you? Hmm. Not even distant cousins, perhaps? Are you SURE? OMG yes! I DID make DUMBLEDORE have a CAMEO! LOOK, LOOK BELOW! I DID! THANK YOU!! I AM FOREVER IN YOUR DEBT!!!

PATIENCE101 – Ah, my patient friend! It matters not to YOU if I have not updated for THREE MONTHS!! ::covers mouth in shame:: YOU THINK IT 'TIS FUNNY, AND I SHALL NEVER SURRENDER! HOORAY!! HOORAY!!

Reanna and millie – Alas me dear hearts! I did not update faster! I AM SORRY!!! But perhaps you can find it in your hearts to forgive? Forgive forgive? Forgiveforgiveforgiveforgive? But thank you EVER SO FOR REVIEWING!! I WUV YOU REANNA AND MILLIE!! I WUV YOU BOTH!!

Sirius Black – My love, my darling love! I FINALLY UPDATED!!! IT HAS BEEN AN ETERNITY!!! WHERE is 'The Therapist' missy? HMMMM???? Argh, 25 year old brothers. THEY KNOW NOTHING! You CRASHED into the BACK DOOR?? LOL. Oh my! But YOU, YOUUUU NEED TO UPDATE TOO! GET TYPING ON THAT KEYBOARD!! NOWW!!

Black cat – My love, THANK YOU FOR THE MULTIPLE REVIEWS! I believe I SHOULD have Avril drop by… OH YES! But what would MRS.LEATHERY THE HAT THINK?? Hmm. JEALOUSY, perhaps? LOL.

The evil witch queen – OF COURSE you are that good dahling! GIMLI HAVING AN ELF DOLL!! I HAVE PUT IT IN!! LOOK BELOW!! SEE?! I love you! WONDERFUL IDEAS! Now update your Little Legolas fic or I shall be forced to use DRASTIC measures! DRASTIC!!

FrodoelessarBaggins – Interesting name! : ) Cool and 'Twisted'? MMMMM, TWISTED! Me like! THANK YOU SOOOO MUCH!! I love you SO DEARLY for reviewing!

Gina Sikh – A…….SUPER GIFTED MIND???? ::Jumps up and down and up and down and up again and down again:: YEY!!!!!!!!!! THANK YOU!!!!!!!!! Let me tell you, it wasn't gifted enough to figure out how to insert bold and italics until today, so shhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Keep it on the down – low. Low – down. NO DOUBT!

Jedi-hobbit – OOOOO!! YOU MAY NAME ONE OF YOUR STUFFED ANIMALS MR. WHISKERS!!! ::dies:: Yes, I DO love your name,  oh so PASSIONATELY! OHHH, I'm so glad you like it! Perhaps you'll like this chapter TOO! I LOVE YOU FOR REVIEWING!!! HOORAY!!!

My dear love, the oh-so-famous CHIBI-COLA – I have something to say to you, missy. WHEN WILL YOU UPDATE, HUH????? WHEN??? Two FABULOUS fics you have that YOU NEVER UPDATE!! But, I can of course understand and forgive, for I am like that myself. : ( YOUR INSPIRATION CANNOT DIE!!!!! ::Gives mouth-to-mouth to the Inspiration:: NOOOO!! SOMEONE CALL AN AMBULANCE!! TAKE IT TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM! WE……CAN…..NOT….LOSE…..THIS…..INSPIRATION!!

Chapter Seventeen : Care Bears ATTACK! Freddy Krueger style!

"The Care Bears attack….." muttered Sam in his sleep. He tossed and turned on his pillow.

::Inside Sam's dream::

"NO!! PLEASE NOOOOO!!!" Sam yelled. He was sitting at a yellow table on top of a cloud, wearing a pink frilly dress as Care Bears served him tea.

"Do you take cream or sugar?" Cheer Bear asked him cheerfully. "Or would you rather TAKE FRODO TO BE YOUR LAWFULLY WEDDED HUSBAND!!!!!!!!" It shouted suddenly, it's head growing red horns and spinning around like in The Exorcist.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Sam yelled, and his voice faded away, faded away, faded away, faded away, faded away…………….

::Back with the rest of the Fellowship::

"But why did you need to have the RED lip frost? You know I ADORE the color…" mumbled Gimli as he rolled over onto his stomach, clutching his stuffed elf doll in the shape of Legolas and immediately strangled himself with his beard. A little farther away, Gandalf was moaning happily as he hugged Mrs. Leathery the Hat.

::Inside Gandalf's dream::

"Oooo, Mrs. Leathery, I didn't know you were so…..skilled." he said with a girlish giggle. He was stretched on a massage table, seemingly nude, as Mrs. Leathery massaged his back. How a hat learned that ability, we may never know. "Use the vanilla oil." He whispered huskily. Then –

"AHHHHHHH!!!!" He leapt up from the massage table, grabbing a random leaf that appeared to cover his……manliness. A large brown bear had appeared with hearts on its stomach, holding what looked like a large chainsaw.

"Wakey, wakey." It said with an evil smile.

"AIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!" Gandalf and Mrs. Leathery screamed.

::Back with, well, obviously…::

"Once…..more……you opppppeeennnn the dooorrrr…….and you're here in my heart and, my heart will, go on and onnnnnn…." Frodo sang softly as he dreamed. Turning onto his side, he smiled gently.

::Inside Frodo's dream::

"Thank you! Thank you! Yes, I love you too! Well, it is SUCH AN HONOR to perform Celine Dion's greatest hits live!" Frodo was standing upon a large stage, facing an enormous crowd that was cheering at his every word. "Now I'll sing one of my favorites….."

CHEER CHEER CHEER

"Called 'It's All Coming Back to Me Now'."

CHEER CHEER CHEER

"But when you TOUCH me like this, and you HOLD me like that, I just have to admit that it's all coming back to me….." Frodo crooned. Then, like magic, the entire screaming crowd turned into a MASS OF CARE BEARS!!!! They rushed the stage, all grinning maniacally with hearts in their eyes.

"AHHHHHHH!!!!! SECURITYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!" Frodo screamed, before there was only darkness.

::Back With Everyone Else::

Aragorn sat up, panting. He started sucking his thumb and pulled his emergency tub of butter closer as he looked at Frodo, Sam, and Gandalf who were muttering and screaming in their sleep. Merry looked up too, staring at Pippin, Gimli, and Boromir who all seemed ok. Suddenly Legolas started to toss and turn on his blankets, whimpering….

::Inside Legolas' Dream::

"Why yes, I would like a honey biscuit." He said, sipping coffee with his pinky finger in the air. Across from him was Oprah, who was offering him a piece of paper.

"Now if you look it over, Mr. Greenleaf, I think you'll find we've offered you a very nice sum for your new job as my co-host. In fact," she gave him a roguish wink, "we managed to get you a L'Oreal hair modeling contract as well, along with a life time supply of honey biscuits, cinnamon cookies, and ginger snaps." Legolas started to giggle maniacally.

"Oooo, my FAVORITE!" then, like a nightmare, Oprah turned into a LARGE GREEN CAREBEAR HOLDING A BRANDING IRON!!!

"ANOTHER HONEY BISCUIT???" It growled, as Legolas screamed and screamed and screamed….

::Back, with The Group::

"What do you think is happening?" Gimli said. Pippin stared at them, shaking, muttering 'no, please, no'.

"SNAP OUT OF IT, FOR GOD'S SAKE MAN!!!" Aragorn said, slapping him. "NOW WHAT'S HAPPENING?"

"Ok. I think that evil Care Bears are attacking our minds when they are in their most vulnerable state (i.e. sleep) like some twisted version of a 'Nightmare on Elm Street' and, consequently, destroying our sanity and our bodies as we lie in gentle slumber."

*crickets chirp*

….

….

….

"But what's happening?"

::Two hours Later::

"THERE'S ONLY ONE THING TO DO!!" said Pippin triumphantly, pulling a book from his pocket that was titled 'Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Care Bears and Were Afraid to Ask or Just too Lazy to Research or Not Intelligent Enough to Know or Just Perhaps Found Your Friends Being Attacked Through Their Dreams and Wanted to Know What to Do About it'.

He flipped open to a page that read : SO, YOUR FRIENDS ARE BEING ATTACKED THROUGH THEIR DREAMS. EVERYTHING YOU COULD EVER WANT TO KNOW ABOUT CARE BEAR EXORCISM.

"It says here that you need stakes, holy water, a Sponge Bob Squarepants plushie toy, and you need to recite this verse here."

"I'VE GOT THE SPONGEBOB TOY!!!!" yelled Gimli proudly, who was wearing a SpongeBob T-shirt that said WARNING : ABSORBANT AND YELLOW AND POROUS IS HE on it. He pulled it out of his pocket and handed it to Pippin.

"EWW GIMLI! This isn't a SpongeBob plushie! It's a picture of SpongeBob in racy red lingerie that's signed To Gimli - My Very Naughty Boy, Love SpongeBob!"

"Oops, hehe." He said, giving the plushie to Pippin.

"Ok. Now, we need to light these candles and say this verse." Pippin said, handing out SpongeBob candles and opening the book.

"WHO LIVES IN OUR HEADS AND KILLS US THROUGH DREAMS?" he said loudly.

"EVIL CARE BEARS!" everyone else replied.

"WHO HAVE GOOD FASHION TASTE BUT ARE KIND OF CREEPY?"

"EVIL CARE BEARS!"

"WHO LIKE SEA WEED WRAPS AND FOAMY COFEES!"

"EVIL CARE BEARS!"

"BUT CAN TURN INTO OPRAH WITH THE GREATEST OF EASE!"

"EVILLLLL CARREEE BEARSSSSS!!!!!!!"

Silence.

The verse ended. Everyone looked around expectantly.

"It doesn't seem to be DOING anythi – AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!" screamed Gimli. At the moment, DUMBLEDORE appeared with a loud !!POP!!

"Away, ye swarmy knaves!" he said, waving his arms in front of the nightmare-having Fellowship.

He INSTANTLY disappeared with another !!POP!!

Suddenly, the Fellowship began to stir. The slowly sat up and looked around.

"I had the WEIRDEST dream." Sam said.

"Yeah, and old guy waved his hands and disappeared…." Gandalf giggled. "Kind of sexy."

Everyone stared.

Merry held Mr. Whiskers closely. It had been scary. Very scary. Especially with those Care Bears. But what scared him most of all was Gimli's SpongeBob obsession. He shuddered. It was just unnatural.

Last Author's Note – OH PLEASE REVIEW!! I BEG!!