Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, it is the property of the brilliant J.K Rowling. This story is the product of her marvellous characters and world and my imagination.
Title: The Sorting That Never Happened
Author: Keira-House M.D.
Main Characters: The Sorting Hat, Hermione Granger, Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, Draco Malfoy, Blaise Zabini, Lavender Brown, Vincent Crabbe, Pansy Parkinson
Summary: In which Hermione has designs to take over the wizarding world, Harry is having an identity crisis, Draco has daddy issues and Ron doesn't fit anywhere. An AU sorting of the Golden Trio and a few other members of their year.
Important Information: Some of these sortings involve the characters going to a House they didn't in the books, and others involve them going to the same House, but with a conversation we didn't see in the book.
The Sorting That Never Happened
Lavender Brown
"Can we get this over with, I can just imagine the disgusting things you being on my head is doing to my lovely hair."
"I am the Sorting Hat Miss Brown, I am imbibed with magic and your hair will be perfectly fine."
"Well no matter, I'm not fond of having such a unfashionable thing on my head anyway."
The hat would have rolled its eyes if it could - fluff for brains, definitely not Ravenclaw or Slytherin then.
"I don't suppose you know if there's a school newspaper or magazine, I'd love to write a gossip column."
"I am a Hat Miss Brown, I don't know such trivial information. I don't think we can put you into Hufflepuff, gossip queens rarely have any loyalty."
"Can't let anything get in the way of a good story. I'm determined to work at Witch Weekly and I'd go up against every Slytherin in Hogwarts, maybe even Professor Snape himself, if it got me a breakthrough story."
"Well that settles it, you're a brave girl, even if it isn't quite the bravery most people would expect - you better be … GRYFFINDOR."
Vincent Crabbe
"Well I don't think there are any brains in your head Mr Crabbe, though you certainly have muscles. You seem unable to write particularly well, or read for that matter. I'm not quite sure how you even managed to change into your robes on your own to be honest. If you make it past first year I will be surprised. I know you're supposed to be just muscle for Mr Malfoy, but I must sort you as I see fit."
"Humph."
"Right then, better put you in with your own group, I'm sure you'll all get along nicely … TROLL!"
McGonagall sighed - two Trolls in one year - and pointed to a dark corner where a small table with only a few students (all big, burly and often appearing to be half-troll) sat, among them Millicent Bulstrode and Marcus Flint. Special classes would be put on for these students to ensure that by the end of their seventh year they would at least be able to read and write to a basic level, and perform a few spells - it was all that could be hoped for.
Hermione Granger
"Well Miss Granger, what an interesting mind you-"
"Thank you very much Mr Sorting Hat, I'm quite aware of my talents. Now I've been reading up on the Houses and I have to say I'm not too fond of any of them."
"Really, why ever not Miss-"
"Well honestly, Hufflepuff seems a little woolly, I mean its like they're always an afterthought and if there's anything I am most certainly not prepared to be, it is an afterthought. As for Ravenclaw, well they're rather stuck-up, not to mention that if I want to shine for my intelligence (which I do, and will), it would be stupid to attempt it in a House full of other clever people."
"Well Miss Granger, from what I've seen you would do well and would certainly shine anyway."
"Of course I would, but everyone would expect it, I want to go somewhere where my intelligence is even more prized because its not as expected."
"Well there is Gryffindor, you certainly seem to have some bravery."
"Yes, it is supposed to be the best House, after all Dumbledore himself was in it, but they do seem so very brash and rash … stupid attempts at bravery and leaping before you look are not qualities I agree with."
"The only other House is Slytherin, but I must warn you that they haven't-"
"… ever accepted a muggleborn, I know. I wouldn't want to be in such a prejudiced place anyway. Then there's living in the dungeons, not too fond of that idea."
The hat sighed; "you obviously don't want to go anywhere so perhaps I'll just put you-"
"Don't be silly Mr Sorting Hat," she said, "of course I know where I want to go. I've got lots of plans you see. The wizarding world is so very behind, not to mention that the prejudices are so ridiculous. They think they're better than the muggles but to be honest they're behind in pretty much everything. Just take the example of the Lumos spell I read about that could be achieved just as easily with a torch, even if you would need batteries. I have plenty of plans for the wizarding world, and to do that I'll have to be in charge. It might be a little bit of a dictatorship to start with, but as soon as everything's up and running it should be fine."
The hat remained silenced by shock but Hermione Granger continued.
"It'll be for everyone's own good really, its not like I'm going to be like that You-Know-Who or Grindelwald from the History of Magic books. I won't be prejudiced and I'll bring the wizarding world into the future. In order to do that, I need to be placed in the perfect place for my time at Hogwarts."
"What place is that?" asked the Hat with trepidation it hadn't had since the sortings of James Potter and Sirius Black.
"Why the seat of Headmistress of course - prejudice starts in school and if I can stamp it out then it will be so much easier to implement my bigger plans later on. I obviously have a lot to learn first but I catch on quickly and it will be easier to learn if I'm not hindered by classmates."
"I cannot sort you to the Headmaster's seat Miss Granger, it is simply not done."
"Look Mr Sorting Hat, I have plans and you will not ruin them for me. Sort me where I want or I can promise you that I will find a way to watch you burn slowly for a hundred years with the only company being the music of the Spice Girls and the lessons of Professor Binns, whose reputation as a boring old coot stretches far and wide."
If the Sorting Hat could have looked horrified, it would have done so. Being unable to profess such an emotion visually, it did the only thing it could - "HERMIONE GRANGER IS SORTED TO THE HEADMISTRESS' CHAIR" - and watched the chaos around him unfold.
Draco Malfoy
"Ahh Mr-"
"I want to be in Slytherin."
"Well Mr Malfoy, in looking-"
"I want to be in Slytherin House like my father."
"I'm just not sure whether-"
"I WANT TO BE IN SLYTHERIN, MY FATHER SAYS I HAVE TO BE IN SLYTHERIN."
"Well you are not your father Mr Malfoy."
"My father is the most brilliant wizard and he says I have to be in Slytherin."
"Well your father does not control me Mr Malfoy."
"Put me in Slytherin, when my father hears-"
"Your father does not frighten me Mr Malfoy … small witches with bushy hair and entirely too many brains on the other hand …"
"My father-"
"Is a pompous blonde arse Mr Malfoy, but he is cunning and sneaky, definitely Slytherin qualities. You on the other hand possess none of your father's finesse and are a spoiled bully."
"I want to be in Slytherin, I have to be like my father."
"You are not suited for Slytherin Mr Malfoy. You also have an large desire to copy your father and though I am but a mere hat I recommend you cease making such a wizard your role model."
"My father-"
"Is, as I have said, not you Mr Malfoy. However, your loyalty to your father in admirable and I know just the place for you ... HUFFLEPUFF."
It took the professors half an hour to resuscitate Draco Malfoy, fifteen minutes to knock Severus Snape out of his shock, an hour to stop the Gryffindors laughing and the Malfoy house elves two days to clear up everything Lucius Malfoy destroyed when he heard his son was a Hufflepuff.
Pansy Parkinson
"Miss Parkinson, very much like your mother I think."
"She was a Slytherin, and so was my father. I wanted to be in the same House as my Drakey-poo but if he's gone to Hufflepuff then he's going to end up disinherited for sure and I won't marry a pauper. Theodore Nott's father has been looking at potential contracts for him and they're almost as wealthy as the Malfoys so I'm sure daddy wouldn't mind. A little mild love potion in Theo's drink and he'll agree to the marriage, then I can shop to my heart's desire. It won't be quite as wonderful as the Malfoy lifestyle but one must adapt and I certainly can't be seen with a Hufflepuff."
"Erm, right Miss Parkinson, it seems clear that while you lack intelligence, you certainly have a plan and some cunning so I'll put you in … SLYTHERIN."
Harry Potter
"Ah, Mr Potter, I have been waiting a long time for your arrival. It will be a pleasure to sort you, I remember your parents well."
"Lucky you, I barely remember a thing but some screams."
"My apologies Mr Potter, but let me tell you that they were exceptionally talented, both very brave Gryffindors."
"Does that mean I should be a Gryffindor, after all everyone keeps telling me that I'm like my parents so I should be a Gryffindor right."
"Not necessarily, everyone is unique Mr Potter."
"Maybe I should be a Slytherin then, Vol- sorry You-Know-Who was a Slytherin and since I defeated him maybe I should be in the same House."
"Like I said Mr Potter, not necessarily."
"How do I know what House I should be in if I barely know who I am in this world. My aunt, uncle and cousin always said I was a good-for-nothing brat who they should have left at an orphanage, so does that mean I don't belong at Hogwarts."
"Mr Potter please …"
"But then loads of people think I'm a huge hero so maybe I should be Gryffindor like my parents."
"I don't want to be famous because my parents were killed though, so perhaps I should just be Hufflepuff to be nice and safe."
"You would do well in both Gryffindor and Slytherin Mr Potter."
"Why though, aren't they complete opposites - light and dark, Dumbledore and Vol- sorry You-Know-Who?"
"Some might think so but you do have traits for both Houses."
"I just don't know, I don't know who I want to be and how can I choose a House when I barely know who I am."
"Mr Potter, while I can take your choice into account, I am the one who chooses your House."
"BUT I'M SO SICK OF PEOPLE TELLING ME WHO I AM - I'VE SPENT MOST OF MY LIFE LIVING IN A CUPBOARD AND SCARED TO SAY A THING. THIS IS ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT THINGS IN MY NEW LIFE AS A WIZARD AND I STILL DON'T HAVE A CLUE WHO I AM."
"Well I can see the confusion in your head Mr Potter … very difficult ... THE SORTING HAT RECOMMENDS COUNSELLING FOR MR POTTER UNTIL HE COMES TO TERMS WITH WHO HE IS - ONLY THEN WILL I SUCCESSFULLY BE ABLE TO SORT HIM."
Ron Weasley
"Another Weasley then, let's see where to put you."
"Gryffindor right, please say Gryffindor … there hasn't been a Weasley not in Gryffindor for more than fifty years."
"Well let's have a look … not really enough brains for Ravenclaw."
"I get bored studying, Quidditch is so much more fun."
"Not sneaky enough for a Slytherin really."
"I should hope not, I don't want to be in You-Know-Who's House with loads of ruddy snakes, not to mention Snape as a Head of House."
"You have a big family, but not as much loyalty to them as you should."
"I have five older brothers who are all supposedly great and a little sister who's the girl mum always wanted. I don't want to be like them, I want to be different, I have to shine like they never had."
"Not Hufflepuff then, well the only House left is Gryffindor."
"Yes, put me there, I don't know what my family would say if I wasn't in Gryffindor."
"It'll be harder to distinguish yourself in a House with your siblings, and I'm not sure I've seen enough bravery from you to warrant Gryffindor."
"I can be brave, honestly."
"I am seeing visions of screams at small spiders and cowering in cupboards."
"Spiders are scary ok."
"I don't know how you expect to be in Gryffindor with neither a valiant heart nor brave disposition."
"So where should I go."
"I'm afraid I don't really know Mr Weasley, you do not possess enough of any trait to go to a House. Out of fear of your mother (and because I can't bear to have any more controversial sortings) I'll put you in a House you'll have to work hard in to earn the right to be there. Against my better judgement, you'll be … "GRYFFINDOR."
Blaise Zabini
"Ah, I remember your mother Mr Zabini, such a beautiful witch and so very cunning too - you've certainly inherited that, and her brains too."
"Slytherin then."
"She was certainly charming, could make almost any wizard (or muggle man) do as she wished, the same for a fair few witches too."
"So I belong in Slytherin then."
"Only eleven years old she was and even then she knew just what to say to get what she wanted. Some might have called her manipulative (and it was probably true) but I maintain it was her charm."
"FOR MERLIN'S SAKE YOU STUPID HAT, IF YOU DON'T PUT ME IN SLYTHERIN RIGHT NOW THEN I WILL GET HER TO TAKE YOU AS HER NEXT HUSBAND AND EVERYONE KNOWS WHAT HAPPENS TO MY MOTHER'S HUSBANDS … does the term black widow mean anything to you?"
"Right of course, sorry about that … better be SLYTHERIN."
The Sorting Hat
The Sorting Hat had seen all manner of witches and wizards since its creation by the four founders of Hogwarts. It had seen evil and good, happy and sad, brave and weak.
There had been Albus Dumbledore, talented, brave and clever.
Tom Riddle, who had gone on to become to darkest of wizards (the Hat even occasionally felt guilty - perhaps he wouldn't have gone so far if he'd been sorted into a different House, even though Slytherin was his perfect match).
The Hat had sorted the great Marauders and the infamous Weasley twins, knowing the mischief they would unleash on Hogwarts but finding it amusing to hear tales of their exploits while in the Headmaster's office.
However, the Hat wasn't sure it had ever dealt with such a strange bunch of children before - megalomaniac muggleborns, an indecisive saviour, a Weasley who almost didn't make it into Gryffindor (or a House of any kind) and the most pathetic Malfoy he'd ever had the misfortune to sort.
The Hat was firmly of the belief that it needed a holiday … somewhere nice and warm with no children to sort. It would express its wish to the Headmaster (or Headmistress if Miss Granger got her way) as soon as possible.
It certainly didn't want to be around the see what this group of first years would go on to do.
I hope you enjoyed this fic - I don't usually do humour so I hope it was at least a little funny. Constructive criticism or reviews are welcome.
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