UNCONDITIONAL SURRENDER

Author's Note - Alrighty people, this is my very first fanfiction, I hope somebody out there likes it. Please review on what is going good and what I might improve on. Be gentle. Thanks again. ^_^ rated M possibly for future chapters.

Chapter One

"You two look cute together"

It was a mistake; it wasn't what I meant to say. My heart said 'I love you, I love you Jennifer Jareau, from the moment I laid my eyes on you', my thoughts said I was happy that you didn't choose him. But it was too late. I couldn't take it back, I was a coward for not being able to admit my feelings. Like so many people in my world, I assumed you wouldn't accept me for who I really was, why would it suddenly change with you, you showed interest in him, I never understood what it was, was he getting brownie points for being so persistent.

You are absolutely gorgeous, you could have anyone you wanted and you chose detective droopy eyes. So many nights I dreamt of telling you my feelings, and in those dreams you returned them back, but I knew it was just a dream.

As I saw you race around the desk, it was like it was happening in slow motion, why did all the bad things always seem to happen in slow motion I thought. As I blinked I couldn't place my eyes on you anymore, perhaps ever again, as you kissed him, I felt my heart ache, an overwhelming pain in my chest, and at the same time I was almost disgusted with you. How could you place those luscious lips of yours on his? I unconsciously clenched my jaw and balled my fists. I couldn't bare to watch as I rolled my eyes and walked away.

"Finally, what's it been, like a year" Reid scoffed behind me, my mind repeated 'finally… a year... a year... a year' I felt my heart shatter.

I wanted to forget, I wanted to just be alone, I just wanted to crawl into a hole somewhere and a part of me wished I had never met you, if only to take this unbearable pain away.

"Hey, wanna go for a drink?" Morgan asked.

I blinked, taking a glance at Derek. "Tch, yeah, I could really use one" I forced a smile and followed him back to the hotel.

At the bar.

The case was a hard one, it felt like they all seemed to be getting worse. Derek was talking about something, but I didn't hear, he was extremely talkative for some reason, probably processing the case, giving his mind closure by voicing it out. I downed what was my umpth shot, I lost track awhile back, the liquid burned my throat, then my sinuses, I shut my eyes and breathed out heavily through my mouth to ease the burn. I motioned to the bartender for another as I tapped the glass on the counter.

"Easy there Prentiss" Derek commented as he took a sip of the beginning of his second beer. I gave him an unreadable glance as I grabbed for the shot the bartender had just poured. 'Whatever' I thought, 'what does it matter, who cares…what was I suppose to be not caring about?' Things started to become numb, I was quite buzzed, my eyes started to feel heavy as I pushed the shot around on the table in a mindless circular motion on the counter.

"It was a bad case, but we've had worse…" Derek said as he took a quick once over my profile and then starred blankly at the bar. I glanced over at him as he went quiet, then looked back at my shot. I held it up to my mouth tilting my head back, shooting it down a bit more slowly as I closed my eyes. I swallowed hard, leaning forward placing the glass down at the same time. The room started to spin and I could feel my cheeks warming up. "What's going on? And don't tell me nothing is wrong, something is up" Derek sipped at his beer again glaring at me with one eye as he did.

"…" I tapped the glass for another. "I don't know what you are talking about". I watched the bartender head over with the bottle. "No, no more" Derek turned the glass over, eyeing the bartender, his expression told him that I was finished. "Hey, I'm not done yet" I slurred, buzzing hard now. " There is definitely something going on, I have never seen you drink this much". Sigh. I didn't want to talk about it, I could barely place my thoughts together as it was. 'Good enough' I thought, "I'm going to bed" I muttered.

I slid off the bar stool, he grabbed my arm, but I didn't look at him, I could feel his eyes on me, I could see him trying to read me. "You're right, I think I drank too much", I pulled my arm away, slightly surprised that he let it loose, and I staggered toward the exit.

He must have been tired because he didn't press on, unfortunately I knew he wouldn't let this go, probably check to see how I was when morning came. Just get through tonight, I thought, as I constructed the walls stronger and higher then ever before.

It felt like I had only blinked before I became aware that I was sprawled across my hotel bed. My eyes were so heavy, I couldn't think straight, the room was spinning and the darkness engulfed me, take me far far away, and let me forget. I felt a single tear form upon my eye and then sleep.

BRANG BRANG BRANG BRANG

"Ugh" groaning, I reached up blindly over my head towards the nightstand as my phone alarm went off. Slowly turning my head towards the window, a dim light coming through as I slowly opened my eyes. Surprisingly I slept sound, no dreams that I could recollect, the alcohol must have worked, as a slow pounding made its way behind my eyes. I licked my lips, my mouth horrendously dry. I groaned again as I squinted at the phone to see that it was 6 am, we would have to be all packed up and ready to head for the plane back to Quantico for 7.

I rolled myself out of bed, and staggered toward the shower. I stood under the cold water and leaned my head against the tile below the showerhead. Starting to remember the night before, seeing JJ running away from me, towards Will. I started shoving my shattered heart into a box. I started compartmentalizing, all my thoughts, all my feelings, void of any emotion, until Emily was gone, and all that was left was Agent Prentiss. I started to place all my thoughts into my job, 'you have a job to do, get your stuff packed'. As I started to rinse off I focused on where the articles of personal belongings were located.

Then I saw her again, JJ's back as she ran away from me, I started to place her in a compartment with all the rest of the people in my life that had left me behind. Soon JJ was shoved in a box along with my father who died leaving me behind at a young age, to be left with my mother who I resented and was never there for me, until I felt nothing at all.

You have always been alone, what made you think anything would change with her? The pain in my chest became all too familiar as I embraced it. What made you think you would deserve anything at all? Happiness? Love? The voice in my head began mocking me. I swear I heard it laughing at me. What are you stupid or something? Pathetic, abandoned, nobody loves you. Why did you bother hoping? Letting her in. Of course she left you, who wouldn't.

I pinched the bridge of my nose between my eyes, I felt my fingers starting to wrinkle under the water and I decided it was the end of my shower. 6:12 am, I started to gather my clothing, looking at each piece intently as I worked hard to focus on thinking about nothing. Nothing, exactly what you are. Groan.

I got myself dressed, as I looked at the reflection in the mirror, it was like I was looking at a stranger, 'Agent Prentiss'. My eyes looked somewhat dull for some reason, Emily was gone, placed in a box, and shoved into a corner, hidden and alone in the dark. The ache in my chest subsided as I looked down at my side arm on the dresser.

I don't know how it happened, the reflection in the mirror held it up to my head, a smirk glaring back at me. I blinked, did I imagine it, no, it was in my head. Somewhere inside Emily was hurting, but no one could see her. She was crying, but no one could hear her. I closed my eyes as the pain changed into a feeling of ecstasy. I embraced it, as much as it hurt it was familiar, 'coward'. Yes… I was a coward. I was embracing the pain now, instead of risking the uncertainty of taking a chance on life… on love. The safety was on, some part of my mind told me this. Agent Prentiss pulled the trigger.

'CLICK'

And somewhere inside Emily died.