I Want To Help

Summary – Caitlin sees Hawke beginning to withdraw even more into himself, but doesn't understand why. But, she knows who does.

A/N #1 – I don't own the characters...either Bellisario or Universal does. But since they won't play with these characters anymore, I do every now and then.

A/N #2 – This is another idea from Starclipper01, with a little refining from Sirius7.

"Dom? Dom, I need to talk to you for a second," Caitlin O'Shannessy said to her boss and friend, Dominic Santini. She had seen her co-worker and friend Stringfellow Hawke moping around the hangar for most of the past three days, and she was beginning to worry about him. In more ways than one, Caitlin said to herself. The only things he's said to me have been about work in the past three days. He's never completely ignored me like this before...and I've got to admit...that really scares me, she said to herself as Dominic came over.

"Sure, sweetheart. What's on your mind?" Dom answered his young employee, then added, "Hey, why don't we go into the office and talk?" Dom asked, reading the expression in Caitlin's eyes. I get the feeling that she needs to talk about something, Dom said to himself worriedly, and I've got a sneaking suspicion I know what that "something," or rather... "someone," is.

"Sure, Dom," Caitlin said with a forced smile as she followed the older man into Santini Air's small office. Once they were both inside, Dom locked the door and said, "Okay, Cait. Do I really need to ask what's bugging you?"

"I doubt it, Dom," Caitlin replied. "I think you already know what...and who, I'm concerned about," she said, and her expression told Dominic all he needed to know.

I knew it, Dom said to himself. Aloud, he said, "I figured as much. What's String gone and done now?"

"Dom, it's nothing like that...well, maybe a little...he hasn't said word one to me other than talking about work in three days...and, even for him, that's kinda weird...don't you think?" Dom couldn't help but notice a tear forming in Caitlin's eye, which she quickly wiped away with a flick of her finger. "I'm sorry...I don't mean to get emotional like this...it's just..."

"You're worried about him, aren't you?" Dominic asked, even though he knew the question was redundant. Of course she's worried about String. Maybe not the same way I worry about him, but she still worries, Dom said to himself.

"Yeah, Dom. I'm worried. What's going on with him?" Caitlin asked.

"Well, sweetheart...I really don't know if I should tell you this..." Dominic knew what was bugging String, but he also knew that String had sworn him to secrecy about it. String would never forgive me if I told Cait, Dom said to himself, but...since I can't be there, maybe she can.

"Tell me what, Dom?" Caitlin demanded, and Dom could see just by the look on her face that she was getting irritated. "In case you've forgotten, Dom, I care about Hawke too. Probably more than either one of you knows," she continued, then realized what she'd said. Oops, Caitlin said to herself. I did it again. She remembered saying almost the same thing a few weeks prior, during the Horn affair when Hawke had been kidnapped. But it's not like Dom doesn't know how I feel about Hawke, Caitlin reminded herself. He saw it during the Horn affair—both in Michael's limo, and when I called dibs on Angelica, and he's seen it several times since then. Ever since Hawke had been kidnapped, Caitlin had come to realize that her feelings for him ran much deeper than simple friendship. I realized when I thought he was dead in my arms that...that I love him, Caitlin recalled. And, that I've loved him for a very long time.

"Cait...it's about this," Dominic said as he pointed to a date circled on his desk calendar. "It's...it's Saint John's birthday this coming Sunday, and String always has a hard time when that date comes up," Dom said, knowing he'd just broken a huge confidence of String's. He told me never to tell anybody about that, Dom said, worried himself. But, Cait might be just the person to help him through it...and who knows what else might happen? Dom wasn't stupid. He knew that by telling Caitlin about Saint John's birthday, he risked getting chewed out, at the very least, by String. But he needs to share it with somebody, Dom said to himself, and why not Cait?

"Oh, man," Caitlin said, as the full weight of what Dominic had just told her became apparent. "No wonder he gets like this...has he done it every year?"

"Not every year...some years, he hides it, others, he buries it with his work...but this year, something's different...I don't know what, either. Listen, Cait...I've got a commitment on Sunday, so I can't go up to the cabin and be with him...would you...?"

"Say no more, Dom," Caitlin replied, then realized what she'd gotten herself into. "Um...stupid question...but is Hawke gonna be alone up there?" She had wanted to spend some time alone with Hawke at the cabin, to maybe figure out whether or not there would ever be more than just good friendship between them; but I don't want to show up at his front door on Sunday if he's gonna be by himself, Caitlin thought to herself worriedly.

"Is that a problem?" Dom retorted.

"Yeah, it might be," Caitlin replied. "Can you imagine what Hawke would do if I show up at the front door of the cabin on Sunday morning?"

"Yeah, Cait...'cause it's probably very similar to what he'll do to me, when he finds out I told you about this," Dominic replied honestly. "But I had to do something, Cait. Like I said, I can't go up there on Sunday...so...can you do this for me? As a friend? And, if he doesn't kill us both, I think String'll eventually understand why I did this...heck, he might even appreciate it," Dominic said with a forced grin.

And...maybe I can settle a few other things in my mind, Caitlin decided. She hoped that being there for Hawke, as a friend, would help him see that she cared about him, and that eventually, she would be able to tell him just how much she cared. I want him to know that...that I love him, Caitlin said to herself. She finally said, "Yeah, Dom. I'll do it," with a forced smile of her own.

When Hawke returned to the hangar, Caitlin made a conscious effort to be as positive as she could around him, even offering to buy him lunch that afternoon. He refused at first, but Caitlin had already decided she was not going to take "no" for an answer, and she insisted until Hawke finally agreed. They sat and talked mostly about work, but Caitlin finally asked him about his weekend plans, and Hawke told her he would probably be at the cabin for most of the weekend, especially since Dom was going to be busy until late Sunday night. When he asked why she was wondering about his weekend, Caitlin brushed it off and said, "No reason, Hawke. Can't a girl be curious about her friend?" She worried that her smile might betray her true feelings, but Hawke smiled back and said, "Yeah...I guess she can."

Caitlin resolved on Saturday that she was going to do whatever she could to help Hawke get through the next day, and just like with lunch the previous day, she would not take "no" for an answer. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, she said to herself that night, before she went to sleep, but Dom's right. We've got to do something.

Caitlin drove out to the hangar bright and early Sunday morning, thankful that Dom had left instructions with airport security that she would be there at some point that day, and that she would be taking one of his choppers up. She quickly made all the necessary tower calls and preflight checks, then started the engine and took the patriotically-painted chopper into the sky.

About an hour later, Caitlin brought her chopper down on the dock at Hawke's cabin, and was not surprised to see him walking towards the dock. She quickly shut down the chopper's engine and climbed out, steeling herself for the explosion she knew was coming.

"Hello, Hawke," she said with a nervous twitch to her voice.

"What the hell are you doing here, Caitlin?" String demanded, more harshly than he'd really intended to. Today of all days, I can't believe you came up here, Caitlin. Hawke said to himself. Then he realized something. Wait a minute. How the hell does she know?

"I'm sorry, Hawke...Dom..."

"He told you, didn't he?" Hawke growled, and Caitlin nodded, fear choking off her voice.

"Dammit," Hawke grumbled as he glared at her. "Why doesn't Dom mind his own damned business?"

"Hawke...I...I want to help. Dom only told me about today because I asked him. We've...I mean...I've been worried about you, String," Caitlin said, and Hawke's eyebrows shot up in surprise at her use of his first name. She never calls me "String," he said to himself, and he felt his initial anger, both at finding her there and realizing that Dominic had shared the date with her, dissipating quickly, and Hawke finally allowed a small smile to tease the corner of his mouth.

"Is that a smile I see, Hawke?"

His face split into a full-blown grin. "Yeah, Cait...I guess it is. Well, come on, we might as well go inside," Hawke said with a sigh, and slipped his arm around Caitlin's shoulders when she caught up to him, as they walked back to the cabin. Caitlin was startled when she felt Hawke's arm around her shoulders, but quickly slid her arm around his waist.

Once they were inside, Hawke fixed a glass of wine for both himself and Caitlin, then the two of them sat down across from each other on the couch. They sipped their wine in silence for a few minutes, then Caitlin finally broke the silence as she turned to String and said, "Tell me about him, Hawke."

"What?" Hawke asked, startled.

"Saint John. Tell me about him," Caitlin repeated as she fixed her eyes on his. "You never tell me much about your brother, and I'm curious. Friends are allowed to be curious, you know," she continued, then added, "and you already know about Erin and my brothers...so, what was Saint John like, when you two were young?"

"Well, Cait...he was the best big brother a guy could want. Especially after Mom and Dad died. He would do things for me that Dom either couldn't...or wouldn't, for whatever reason. When he decided to go into the service, he kinda decided for both of us." Hawke smiled at the memory.

"But, how did you two come to be in the same unit?" Caitlin asked, confused. "I thought there was that rule about brothers serving in the same unit..."

"The Sullivans' rule? Well, there was an exception during wartime...and, technically, we were in a state of war," Hawke answered, then continued, "And, we requested to serve together. It was Saint John's way of looking out for me," Hawke said with a sigh.

"That sounds like Brian," Caitlin said, referring to one of her older brothers. "He would do anything for Erin, or Callum...but especially for me. I think Saint John would like Brian," she continued, and Hawke was surprised that she mentioned Saint John with a positive inference.

"You believe me, then?" Hawke asked, surprised.

"That your brother's still alive?" Caitlin responded, then nodded. "Of course, I believe you, Hawke." She reached across the couch, and took one of his hands in hers. Looking into his icy blue eyes, she smiled and repeated, "Of course, I believe you. You've never lied to me, Hawke...so, if you say Saint John's alive, then I believe he is," Caitlin said, glancing at their joined hands. She noticed Hawke wasn't reacting to the fact that she held his hand, in fact, he almost seemed calmed by the gesture.

"Thank you, Caitlin," Hawke replied as he gazed into her hazel eyes, and thought to himself, I never noticed how pretty her eyes are before. Heck...I've never noticed how pretty she is, Hawke said to himself, embarrassed. Slowly, he moved closer to her on the couch, not exactly sure what he was doing.

"Hawke? Are you all right?" Caitlin asked, suddenly worried. He must not realize what he's doing, Caitlin said to herself. Oh, I don't mind...it's just...so unlike him.

"Huh? Oh...sorry, Cait," Hawke mumbled, embarrassed, but he didn't retreat across the couch. Caitlin relaxed and closed the distance between them, sliding her other arm around his shoulders.

"It's okay, Hawke," she murmured as she pulled him close to her, resting his head against her shoulder. "I just want to help." She held him for a few moments, then allowed him to raise his head and look into her eyes again.

"Caitlin, I...um...I want to apologize for what happened when you got here," Hawke mumbled. "I was terribly rude, and..."

"Hawke, it's okay," Caitlin interrupted him, smiling. "I told you already – I understand. Both why you were so rude and why you're so nervous right now." She had noticed the nerves in his eyes when she looked at him, and almost instinctively knew why they were there. At least, I know why I hope they're there, she said to herself.

"Sometimes, Cait...I think I don't deserve to have you for a friend," Hawke admitted.

"Why would you say something like that, Hawke?" Caitlin asked, surprised.

"Well, let's face it, Cait...I can be downright rude sometimes...especially to you, and that's not fair," Hawke said, even as he wondered how the conversation had turned from talking about his brother to talking about their friendship.

"Well, Hawke, I'd be lying if I said that some of the things you've said...and done...didn't bother me," Caitlin replied, and Hawke knew almost instinctively what she meant. "But, we're still good friends, right?" She asked him, hoping that the look in her eyes didn't betray her true feelings. I just wish...I wish we could be more, Hawke, Caitlin's heart was saying. Why can't you understand that...I love you? Finally, she determined that she might just have to take matters into her own hands.

I know what you're doing, Cait, Hawke said to himself. He'd suspected for several weeks, ever since the incident with John Bradford Horn, that Caitlin felt something more than just friendship for him. After all, she did say, 'I've got dibs on Angelica,' Hawke said to himself. She has to know...Caitlin has to know, Hawke decided.

"Cait...do you remember what you said about Angelica?" Hawke asked.

"When I said I had dibs on her? You bet I remember," Caitlin replied, and she knew Hawke could see the anger rising in her eyes.

"Cait, I need to tell you something – nothing happened between Angelica and me. At least, nothing like that. We kissed a few times, but nothing intimate," Hawke said, then added hurriedly, "If...that's what you were upset about."

What a relief, Caitlin said to herself, hoping her eyes didn't betray the sense of relief she felt. "Kinda," she said out loud, then added to herself, I hope Hawke doesn't think I was jealous...even though I was. "It just bothered me when I saw her walk out of your room...the look on her face..." Caitlin had to stop herself before she recalled the expression on Angelica's face, which had seemed to her at the time to be one of enormous satisfaction.

"Cait, I'll say it again – nothing happened between us," Hawke reiterated. "Yeah, I was brainwashed and all that...but, I couldn't do anything like that with her," he continued.

"Well, Hawke, I'm glad to hear that," Caitlin said with more than a touch of relief. Changing the subject, she said, "Anyway, you were telling me about Saint John...he...um...he sounds like a real nice guy, Hawke..." Caitlin stammered, not wanting to add what she was thinking at the moment – just like you.

"Yeah, he is, Cait...I...I think you'll like him, when we find him," Hawke answered, not exactly sure why Caitlin had suddenly stopped talking.

"I'm sure I will, Hawke," Caitlin replied, then added to herself, but not the same way that I like you. Aloud, she said, "And we'll find him...someday." She suddenly realized she had moved closer to him, leaving their faces just a few inches apart. Steeling herself, knowing the potential risks she was about to take, she leaned over and very gently kissed Hawke, slowly at first, but then she felt him respond and gather her into his arms, and the kiss gradually intensified. Finally, after what felt to Hawke like far too long, he separated them, feeling a need for oxygen that was stronger than anything else at that particular point. When he felt like he could construct a complete sentence, he asked, "What brought that on, Cait?"

"I'm sorry, Hawke," she began, and knew that her cheeks were already turning red, "but it just...felt like the right thing to do...you know?" And once you put your arms around me, String, I knew it was the right thing to do, Caitlin thought to herself, surprised at how comfortable she'd felt with Hawke's arms around her. It felt like...like I was where I belonged...in your arms. She watched him for any sign of rejection, any sign that she'd made a mistake—and was surprised when Hawke smiled and answered, "Yeah, Cait. It did feel right. And...there's something I want to tell you," he continued, gathering his confidence when he looked into Caitlin's eyes and saw the feelings there. "You know how I've always said that I felt like I had a curse on me...that everyone I love...or might love, will die...Well, with everything that's gone on since I met you, I've come to realize that...that you're perfectly capable of taking care of yourself...so maybe...maybe I don't have to worry so much about the curse, and I can tell you...how I really feel."

Caitlin didn't know how to react at first, then she finally found her voice and asked, "Just how do you feel about me, Hawke? Really?"

"Cait...I never thought I'd say this, but...I...I love you, Caitlin," Hawke finally blurted out.

Caitlin knew she couldn't answer him verbally, because of the lump that had suddenly formed in her throat, so she did the only thing she knew to do – she pulled him back into her arms and kissed him again, more passionately this time, and felt their feelings build with every second that they held each other. Finally, Caitlin realized she needed to breathe as much as she needed Hawke, and slowly separated them, and when her voice came back to her, she whispered, "I...I love you, too, String," and smiled through the tears that were streaming down her face, then she noticed Hawke had tears of his own.

"String? What's wrong?" Caitlin asked, suddenly worried again.

"It's nothing, Cait," Hawke answered, but then added, "I'm just really happy right now...you know?"

"Yeah, Hawke," Caitlin answered him. "I do know. And...thanks, Hawke. For everything."

"Thank you, Caitlin," Hawke answered her. "For everything."

By the time Caitlin left the cabin several hours later, she knew that her life would never be the same. I went up there to help Hawke get through today, and I find out that he loves me, she mused to herself after she landed back at Santini Air and headed home. I had no idea Hawke felt that way about me...but, I'm glad I know now, she said to herself that night when she climbed into bed. Boy, are we gonna have some stories to tell Dom tomorrow, she said to herself, knowing that sleep would not come easily tonight.

Meanwhile, Hawke was also marveling at the turn events had taken. I can't believe what happened today, Hawke said to himself as he got ready for bed that night. Cait came here to help me get through Saint John's birthday...and now I come to find out...she loves me. And, I love her. As he drifted off to sleep, Hawke felt a shift in the air around the cabin, as if a great burden had been lifted from his mind. He knew, instinctively, that his life, and Caitlin's, would never be the same again. Especially now that we've admitted how we feel about each other...and we can start thinking about a life...together, Hawke admitted to himself. And maybe, someday...he suddenly found himself and Caitlin standing together on the dock, surrounded by her family and their closest friends, exchanging wedding vows. Soon...I hope, Hawke said to himself as sleep finally claimed him. He knew they were a ways off from a trip down the aisle at this point, but he couldn't keep the vision of them exchanging wedding vows out of his mind. Someday, his mind whispered again. Someday...soon.