Title: Tomatoes
Author: Mint Pizza Queen
Pairing: None, this is a team fic!
Category: Humor / Parody
Rating/Warnings: PG, one baaaad word.
Words: 793 words
Summary: "I like them. No different from Naruto liking his ramen, Sakura liking me, or Kakashi liking his-" Sasuke looked to the book like it was offending him personally. "-porn."

Notes: This was inspired by two things. The first was a random thought that I had wrote out on my whiteboard for a good month. The second was a conversation with a coworker that pushed me to finally write this. Blame him. All his fault. This is pure, utter CRACK.

Sasuke loved tomatoes. It was no big secret among his teammates, having inadvertently revealed such a secret love on a mission. The fact that it took them a trip to a restaurant, and no other previous clues (hoarding tomatoes in his backpack, eating them as they wandered through the woods like they were candy, having an entire garden in his yard dedicated to them...), for them to realize his almost obsession was a little disheartening but slightly reassuring.

Reassuring that none of his fangirls knew thus far.

However, such as it was said, the fact that it took a lunch break, a lunch break where he ordered a tomato sandwich, a tomato salad with extra tomatoes, and a side order of sliced tomatoes, was rather unnerving.

More for his team that watched him in wide-eyed fascination than for him. Really.

He could already taste those yummy, delectable-

He broke himself from his daydream lest he would start to drool and opted for a stashed tomato in his pack. Plucking it out as if it were an apple, he huffed hot air onto its skin and rubbed a napkin over it like it was a glass orb.

My precious...

"Really, tomatoes?" Sakura's expression and tone made it evident that even she was turned off by the idea of an obsession over food. Hence why she suddenly looked pointedly at Naruto who was oblivious to the looks he was on the receiving end of and was in favor of sending out some strange ones of his own.

"I've never had tomato flavored ramen before," he murmured thoughtfully, tongue sticking out of the corner of his mouth in an after-thought.

Of course then was the obligatory wise-crack from Kakashi, who was trying his damnedest to hide behind his book. "Tomatoes give me heartburn."

Sasuke harrumphed. "I like them. No different from Naruto liking his ramen, Sakura liking me, or Kakashi liking his-" he looked to the book like it was offending him personally. "-porn."

"Literature."

"Porny literature," he corrected himself and Kakashi lowered his book enough to send a look of his own to the tomato.

The tomato that seemingly offended his book.

"Please tell me that you eat things other than just tomatoes," Sakura sighed, resting a chin on a propped up hand in silent defeat. If Sasuke was going to be another Naruto when it came to his diet, she was throwing in the white flag, calling it quits, retiring, or just plain running away.

Naruto suddenly giggled. "Heehee, if teme eats enough tomatoes he'll turn into one! All fat, red, and juicy!"

The once firm and delectable piece of food made an anguished squelching noise as pale fingers contracted, squeezing the life and essence out of it in bits of seed and pulp. Sasuke's eyes widened as the juice ran down his hand and dripped onto the table.

He could feel his eyes water and lower lip protrude in the start of a childish tantrum.

Sakura helped him out with a quick fist to Naruto's head across the table. "Naruto! You sounded like a pervert! That was uncalled for!"

Naruto's head bounced off the back of the booth, and he slowly slid to the floor unconscious.

Kakashi calmly grabbed a napkin from the dispenser and slid it across the table to Sasuke.

The Uchiha watched his hands, coated in the blood of his beloved. Trembling, he reached up with the other hand and grasped his wrist. He couldn't have stopped himself! His beloved! What had you done? Nothing, nothing beloved, it was not your fault. Nay, but it was not meant to be.

He eyed the napkin over like it was an antiseptic wipe to clean up a deep cut, then back to the carnage that was his soiled hand.

With all the grace that he could muster, he shoved the four fingers into his mouth and sucked the tomato clean off of them.

It was at that time that Naruto decided to rise back from the world of the dead and slid back into his seat next to the Uchiha, only to find himself staring wide-eyed at Sasuke.

Then he laughed.

This time, Sasuke didn't need anybody's help, and delivered the final blow that said 'shut the fuck up, you moron' by punching Naruto clean out of the booth, and through the wall to the mens bathroom.

It was at that same time that the waitress came to deliver the goods, and almost dropped Sasuke's meal. Fortunately, his was the first that she laid out on the table. The rest of the meals weren't so fortunate, and ended up on the floor.

The Uchiha pulled his fingers from his mouth and waved a finger in the air. "I'll need a doggy bag."