Quick Author's Note: (Okay, now it's kinda LONG)
I think that I've always already wanted to write something like this before. My desire for a dominatrix Hinata in a NaruHina, and my love for a complete uke Naruto in a SasuNaru has kinda made this into a kinky orgy full of my half-assed comedy. There's also a bit of Fangirl-bashing since it's Sasuke.
FOR ALL READERS! If you don't know certain words, it's best if you asked me in a PM. Also, can someone explain to me what 'toss your cookies' means?

Chapter 1: Misunderstanding of the Horn

(Sasuke)

It was a cold night. "Alright everyone! Up to the next nightclub! Wee heee!" Sakura shouted to the big group. She laughed in a way that suggested that she DIDN'T need to go to any more nightclubs for the rest of the night. Sasuke rolled his eyes at her. Maybe it wasn't so cold outside and he was just imagining it.

As the group trudged on, he noticed that Naruto and Hinata were talking a lot with each other, even though they sometimes slurred their words.

He didn't bother look at the others, he already knew that the fatass was stuffing his face, the lazybones hadn't even shown up, the skinny blonde was complaining to Sakura about how she looked in clothes, the mute was silent and at the back of the group and dog breath was proudly boasting to everyone.

He couldn't give a rat's arse about how the boy had once saved a mystical princess called Shiyomaya and that she'd made out with him and how she offered for him to be her bodyguard and live in the temple for the rest of his life. He made sure to trip the Inuzaka when he wasn't paying attention.

Kiba let out a strangled yell and bumped into Sakura, who in turn fell onto the street's cobbles with Kiba on top of her. His teammate started bawling that the muttboy had snapped her ankle. Everyone started crowding around both of them, whispering and pointing at a few random body parts.

Naruto and Hinata weren't paying attention. He may just as well go with them and leave the noise.

Naruto laughed loudly and grabbed his and the girl's hands. He started marching them over to the nearest bar his hazy eyes could find. Sasuke cynically eyed the hand holding his wrist in a slack grip, waving his arm around as if it were a toy. He saw Hinata look at him and roll her eyes at the blond. His lips curled ever so slightly upwards. Maybe the girl wasn't so bad as he'd thought in the past.

Hinata decided buoyantly that SHE would show them a good place to go, so now they were being -gently- dragged towards a nightclub on the other side of town. She sure was smiling a lot. Most likely 'cos Naruto was spending time with her. Sasuke smirked. She sure did have nice assets. It was a good thing that she'd left that silly jacket at home.

She dragged them over to some rundown shitplace that made him raise an eyebrow. The girl giggled and pointed at the sign, a rather rude swearword graffitied onto it in Naruto's handwriting. Sasuke reasoned that that's why she liked the place.

Really, she was obsessed with the damn blond.

She then pointed to another part of the bar, showing a caricature of himself with the words 'stupid bastard' sprawled all over it. Naruto laughed while he growled and gave both the evil eye. He pulled the dumb blond and crazy girl into the bar by their wrists, grumbling all the while. He seated them down by a deserted corner and slauntered over to the bartender, ordering three plain beers.

He went and sat down next to Naruto and Hinata. They seemed to be in the middle of an animated conversation. Hinata was gesturing with genuine enthusiasm. "-and then Kiba tripped over Kurenai-sensei's wire trap and then he fell face first into the seven metre deep hole! And at the bottom of it Shino's bugs had left excrements behind! It was so funny, Akamaru wouldn't go near him for a while!" She laughed loudly. Naruto chuckled before shooting Sasuke a look. "What are excrements?" Hinata laughed louder.

"Shit." He sat down next to Naruto, Hinata sat opposite them around the circled table. Naruto laughed. Sasuke blinked at Hinata as she started telling more stories about her teammates' blunders. He didn't know that she could be so, ... sociable.

"Isn't Kiba the one that looks like he's got a permanent hard?" Sasuke asked in a neutral tone. Naruto froze before his drunkness made him laugh hysterically. Hinata stared at him. "Kiba the Horny Bastard? Yeah, that's the one." Both his and Naruto's eyebrows rose to new heights. He'd never heard her swear, yet alone act like... Like him and Naruto.

"One of our clients's guardians threatened to sue him because he tried to hump their daughter's leg." Naruto laughed, tears forming in the corners of his eyes as he slapped his leg. Now that Sasuke actually looked, Naruto had nice legs. They were long and strong, ready to shift into a jumping position at any moment's time. Naruto was a good sprinter when it came to speed missions.

The bartender himself came over and gave them their drinks, winking at Hinata and exchanging greetings with each other. He wondered if she went here a lot.

"Did you ever catch him doing it?" Naruto asked, a few chuckles escaping his mouth.

Sasuke nearly spit out his beer. Frothy foam trailed down his chin, making it look like he had rabies, as Naruto politly told him in a loud voice. Naruto recieved a big whack to the head for his remark. A few drunken patrons had turned in their seats to have a look at him.

"Catch him doing what?" Hinata asked, taking a gulp of her cider. "You know, ..." Naruto faltered, eyes uneasy. Sasuke noticed that they flickered to him for a second before looking back at the black haired girl. "masturbating." Naruto seemed so shy that he said it in a whisper. A cherry pink blush coated his sweaty cheeks.

Hinata also nearly spewed her drink but managed to gulp at the last second, pulling off a big coughing fit. Sasuke reached out and thumped her on the back a few times. Once she'd done her eyes found his own. She gave a small smile. "Thanks." Sasuke grunted and looked away, his face in a scowl, trying to hide any trace of a blush. He hoped that she didn't turn out to be a fan of his too.

"But Hinata..." Naruto persisted, leaning forwards, eyes curious and mouth in a wicked grin that Sasuke knew very well. It was the type of look the blond would get before something outrageously rude was sprayed over the Hokage mountain.

"Did you ever catch him?"

Sasuke sighed and cuffed him around the head, making him lurch forwards. "Hey!" He still had to beat manners into Naruto, even when Sakura wasn't there. This was her damn job, damnit!

Hinata looked reproachful. She was looking up at something and her head was tilted to the side. "Well, ... There WAS this one time.."

Sasuke dropped his drink.

Naruto gasped and leant even forwards, letting the round table dig into his ribs in his eagerness to hear her story.

Hinata looked at both of them, her face shiny and a faraway look in her eyes. Sasuke blinked. He thought that he knew that look. Sakura sometimes complained about it whenever he thought of his old clan.

"We were on a solo mission from Kurenai, you know, team bonding..." He and Naruto nodded automatically, knowing Kakashi's evil survival trips.

"It was just me, Kiba, Shino and Akamaru. We'd been travelling all day and so we were all exhausted by the end of the day." She paused, seemingly enjoying telling part of her story.

"Shino kept complaining that Kiba and Akamaru STANK, worse than the soldier energy drinks." Naruto laughed. Hinata smiled.

"What Shino didn't bother tell me was that Kiba was in heat."

Naruto froze and turned pale.

Sasuke was a statue.

Hinata leant back in her chair and took a large swig of her cider, looking up at the ceiling. "In the middle of the night I woke up to find Kiba rubbing against my leg." Naruto gasped, then realised the hilarity of it all and burst out laughing.

Hinata chuckled. "I Juuken'd him the hell outta the tent, Kiba and Shino now share a tent and I sleep in a separate one! Kurenai was furious!" Hinata laughed, Naruto's laughter mixing with her own.

"You should've been there! She put him under a genjutsu where he thought that his dick had dropped off! It was hysterical!" Naruto's laughter redoubled. Sasuke couldn't help but chuckle. Hinata started mimicking Kiba.

Naruto fell out of his chair.

Sasuke laughed at him.

The bartender came along and placed another round of beers in front of them, tutting when he saw Sasuke's shattered beer glass on the floor. He didn't remember the drink slipping through his fingers. Hinata gave a strangled yell when she noticed that Naruto was still on the floor and that his arm had glass splinters in them.

He grabbed the damnable blond by the armpits and hoisted him up. The girl grabbed their drinks and moved to a more enclosed area. Naruto, being the drunken twerp that he was, mistook Sasuke for his chair and sat on his lap.

Sasuke didn't like that. Not one bit. "Get the fuck off me, Uzumaki." The dumbass laughed and staggered off lightly, wobbling over to the new table where Hinata was downing her cider. Sasuke mumbled something to the bartender, who was now on his hands and knees, mopping up the mess that was spilled beer and glass. He meant to say 'cheers' but what came out was more of an upset stomach growl working it's way up his throat.

He slapped one hand over his mouth and stumbled over to the girl and the dumbass. One day, he swears that he'll have to pick Naruto outta jail for sexual harassment while drunk. Wait. That didn't make any sense. He growled. Uchihas weren't supposed to be seen drunk. Ever. He tapped his head, slurring his words. "Stupid Uchiha, stupid Uchiha..." The dumbass and ditzy girl were staring at him.

He abruptly stopped when he realised that Uchihas weren't allowed to publicly make fools of themselves.

Naruto suddenly burped and broke the silence. Hinata laughed and pulled his arm closer. She started picking the glass splinters out with her chakra. "Say Hinata," Naruto slurred. He looked like he was about to collapse. "How do girls wank?"

Hinata and Sasuke froze.

Sasuke, who was taking a gulp of his new beer, dropped it again. (The fat bartender gave him a warning glare and gave him a replacement plastic cup)

Hinata's face turned pink and shiny at the same time. She must have misheard him somehow. Sasuke frowned. He wasn't sure if he too had heard the blond properly.

"Wh-what did you say?" Hinata said.

Naruto smiled in a ditzy way and seemed to be waving around on the spot. His eyes were also half open.

"How do you wank?" The idiot giggled.

Damnit, so he did hear him right.

But something in Sasuke's brain made him stop. —Wait, wait, wait!— A cool voice said. —What if he wants YOU to show him how to wank?— Sasuke frowned. He really was drunk. Very, very, VERY drunk. So drunk that some kind of butch voice was talking to him in his own head. Uchihas didn't have imaginary voices in their heads!

Somehow, in his drunken state of mind, Sasuke appealed to the idea of wanking. He wanted to show Naruto how to wank. His eyes flickered over to the black haired girl. She seemed to be stumbling over her own thoughts. Naruto didn't seem to mind her stutters and shocked silence. Instead, he leant in, mere inches from her face.

"So Hinata, what's it like?" He whispered, Sasuke saw Hinata's fringe move slightly from his breath. Damn, the dumbass was about to give everyone a live porn show in the making!

Naruto continued his hot assault. "Do you wanna bed—mumbrugh!" Sasuke smothered Naruto's husky voice and kept his hands firmly pressed over his mouth. He struggled with him as the blond waved his arms and legs around as if he were a fucking marionette.

He stood up and grabbed Hinata wrist and hoisted her to her feet. He then proceeded to drag both drunk idiots out of the bar. The bartender yelled something about a pay check, but Sasuke couldn't be fucked to go back and find out what he was saying.

He ran through streets and council houses, finally arriving at his house near the Uchiha compound.

He dumped both at his doorstep and searched for his keys. —Hey, how about that wanking?— The voice said. Sasuke didn't bother eliminate it, he left the sentence linger around his mind.

END
So, .. um, he he. Naughtyness coming up in the next chapter. Sex, grinding and magical shoe vanish. Enjoy. if you don't want porn, don't read porn. Or yaoi.
Words: 2,198
Next Chapter: The Night