Lose By Holding Back

Like most of her peers, Lt. General Hayate Yagami had spent enough time as a petty officer to know what kind of gossip was popular among the ranks.

Will-they-or-won't-they gossip between the current couple-in-denial. What the cup size of the latest recruit was. What animal the lunch meat came from…

…If their commander had a love interest.

Luckily, despite Hayate's policy of a relaxed workplace, none of her subordinates ever dared to ask her directly. And her family and friends were too sensitive and considerate to ever ask either, after Hayate had responded simply with a wide smile and a cheery denial containing an undertone that ended the conversation right there.

She had never told anyone the truth.

Hayate wasn't like Nanoha or Fate.

She didn't love with a quiet determination, resolved to persevere over trials and time.

She didn't love with a courageous heart, open and daring despite heavy scars.

Hayate gave up.

Hayate couldn't heal her hurts.

She loved and gave, and gave some more. And slowly, over the years, she did indeed learn to trust in the love she got in return.

But to let herself go, to let one single person in so deeply like how she saw her friends dare to do…Hayate couldn't do that.

Hayate hadn't loved Reinforce in quite the way that romantic poets waxed on about, but the love had been true. It had been deep and open and never before had Hayate given up so much of herself to someone else before. She had loved Reinforce more than a friend, less for granted than family, and differently than romantic love. They had let each other in deeper than anyone could do with or without magic. Two souls in one being—that's what they had become, for a timeless instant in time.

Reinforce had carved a scar on Hayate's heart, and Hayate didn't have Fate's courage to risk that bewildering hurt again.

So Hayate…just let it go.

Her chosen profession made it easy for her to live with no regrets. She had no time to worry about love, and besides, she had enough true love all around to not feel lacking. Hayate was happy.

Life had its proper balance, all around.

But then why did one little red and green-eyed girl's childish declaration of love shake Hayate to the core?

"When I grow up, I want to marry Hayate-san!"

It made no sense—Vivio had been just a child, and from the amused giggling all around from her friends, just a little girl with a first crush.

Perhaps Hayate had a more romantic heart than she had thought…because when she looked into Vivio's bright, guileless eyes, Hayate saw the same ageless devotion that she had seen over and over in her closest friends, when they had all been too young to understand an adult's concept of forever.

Pure love, without constraint or condition.

Vivio was such a good, loving girl. She would grow into a beautiful woman, and never lack for deserving suitors.

As the adult, Hayate had to make sure that she gave Vivio that opportunity.

It wouldn't be hard to remain aloof to Vivio's overtures until Vivio grew out of her crush.

It shouldn't be hard at all.

It couldn't be hard.

It can't be.

**O**

"You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back."

– Barbara De Angelis

Author's Note: This is a companion piece/prequel to "You Never Lose By Loving".