Heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

What up?

Um… yes… you have permission to beat me to death with rusty chains. I won't fight you. I deserve it.

MAX
Naruto
Sunagakure

"I have come to request your assistance," he blurted. I stared at him.

"Um, why don't we take this under cover?" I suggested cautiously, and leapt down from the roof. Without hesitation, he followed my behind a dumpster.

"This is interesting cover," he observed mildly.

"Uh… yeah," I looked him over. "What kind of assistance?"

"I would like you to allow me to stay by your side," he said immediately.

"I have several questions," I said. "One. Why? Two. What makes you think I'll let you? Three. You shot Nudge."

" 'You shot Nudge' is not a question," he pointed out.

"I'm finding it hard to care," I said. "Now spit it out before I bash your face into the garbage."

He nodded briskly. "The answer to question one is that I have been abandoned by my superiors," he said.

"So what, you need someone else to give you orders?"

"In part, yes," this guy was seriously to the point. "As well, I have been attacked several times by small bands of Erasers. I seek protection."

"Protec - protection?" I looked at him, completely shocked. "You want protection from me? Look, buddy, it's not every day that I admit this – but you're faster and stronger than me, and you can do math problems a heck of a lot faster. You don't need my protection."

"Perhaps I am physically and mentally superior," Epsilon 'allowed'. "But, as the saying goes, two heads are better than one. As for your second question, perhaps you should consult the Sapiuns Unus."

"The what?"

He means me, said the Voice. Sapiuns Unus means 'wise one' in Latin. That is my model title.

Right. I knew that. And I did know that. A moment after Epsilon said it, the words registered in my mind. What I didn't know was why the Voice was called the wise one.

Perhaps the amount of information I provide you with could serve as a hint, said the Voice dryly.

Yeah, yeah, you're a genius – but what about this Epsilon spiel? My eyes never left the new-and-improved Omega's face. I was searching for the slightest flicker that would suggest he wanted to attack me.

Remember what I told you, Max. Epsilon could be your most valuable friend.

Right, like that's the most helpful thing anyone's ever told me –

"There you are!"

Aaaaaaand that's our show! Tune in next week for another installment of Max Getting Chased by Freaking Ninjas!

"Good to see you," I said dryly.

"Look, if you don't actually do what you're supposed to, I might have to take you in by force," Naruto said.

"I'm utterly terrified," my voice was laden with sarcasm, even though I probably should have been scared of him.

But I'm Maximum Ride – I don't get scared. I do, however, get overwhelmed slightly. Right then was an overwhelming moment. Would you like to know why?

I was trapped in an unfamiliar place without a single Flock member or familiar face from real life, the Voice was being completely unhelpful, I was being chased by fascist ninjas, Epsilon was practically begging for my forgiveness (okay, maybe I'm exaggerating a little there), freaking Naruto was annoying and wore to much orange, it was super-duper hot, and I had to pee really badly.

Epsilon narrowed his eyes. "Who is the newcomer?"

Naruto shot me a look, apparently completely baffled. "What did he just say?"

"He no ablo English," I told Epsilon.

"What did you just say?" Naruto looked even more confused.

"Isn't it cool how there's more than one language in existence?" I rolled my eyes, and then turned to Epsilon. "Epi pen! This is Naruto, the one who's trying to bring me into custody."

And then, before I had a chance to stop it (not that I wanted to) – in fact, I couldn't even see it happening – Epsilon had shot forward like the cork out of a bottle of champagne and nailed Naruto in the face. He stumbled backwards, clutching his nose.

"WHAT THE OW!" he shouted.

"Epsilon!" I admonished.

"He is a threat to our partnership," Epsilon said calmly.

"What partnership?" I threw my arms up. "ARE YOU CRAZY?"

"Who is that guy?" Naruto snapped.

"He's this dude who until very recently has been consistently trying to kill me," I said, completely dumbfounded. "Now he's… defending our partnership. We are not partners. Oh, lordy dee…"

"Uh… I'm confused," said Naruto.

"You're not alone."

No. I didn't say that. That wasn't me. It was, however, the guy dressed in all white robes with the funky hat and the trippy tattoos who had appeared like a whisper at the mouth of the alleyway.

"Hey! I know you!" Naruto pointed. "You're one of the… the guys… I swear I've seen you before…"

"Are you one of the fascists?" I demanded. "Oh, of course you are. Everyone here is a fascist. You're all fascists, communists, evil dictators, and Nazis at the same time! Not to mention - " shudder. "Tea partiers. Because, you know, that makes perfect sense."

Unfortunately, this guy didn't seem to appreciate my scathing wit, because the next thing I knew I was pinned to the stone wall by ninja stars.

WTF?

"WTF?" I snapped. "How rude!"

Seriously, I get my sweatshirt back in prime condition and two seconds later he has to go poke holes in it!

"The Suna is done being soft," said the new guy. "You are coming with me, and I will take you by force."

And that's how I found myself being dragged kicking and screaming by a forty five year old man in a tricked out turban with Epsilon in tow while simultaneously being scolded by an orange-clad 'ninja'.

Hallelujah.

FANG
Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Sunnydale, California

He disappeared into yet another back room and came out several seconds later supporting half a dozen thick, dusty books.

"You're going to have to tell me everything."

"I'm sure he thinks I'm insane," Fang stated nonchalantly as they walked away from the magic shop.

"You'd be surprised," Buffy said. "We see a lot of insane things. Your dilemma may or may not make the top twenty."

He snorted. Just his luck, get stuck somewhere where things were even freakier than he was used to.

"Anyways, I've been meaning to flush out this vamp nest a few blocks away. I figure I can get the job done lickety-split if I just bust the ceiling off and let the sun stream in from the heavens. Wanna come?" Buffy asked.

"Come help you kill things?" Fang looked at her. "Yes, please."

Buffy led him to what looked like a cross between a dilapidated old hut and a small warehouse. It was made mostly out of wood except for the sheet of aluminum roof that resembled a Lays potato chip.

"Okay," said Buffy. "I need you to distract them."

He looked at her.

"It'll be easy. Just go in there and keep their attention. They're only vampires!"

"Only vampires," he said.

"Yep," she grabbed him around the shoulders and shoved him towards the door, which fell open on impact. "Have fun!"

He stumbled over the threshold, squinting through the dark. He could see shapes lurking, but none of them were making a move towards him. Strange…

Suddenly, a strong hand gripped his arm and shoved him to the left.

"Now what have we got here?" said a man with a southern accent. "Room service! How thoughtful."

Fang tore his arm away.

"Oooh, this one's feisty," the man teased. There were several chuckles. He could now see well enough to identify about a dozen people in the room, all with faces twisted and contorted, canines peeking out and eyes yellow.

If he were Max, he would have responded with a snarky comment and then a sock to the face. Since he was Fang, though, he skipped straight to the 'sock to the face' part.

Turns out, it's not the greatest idea to attack a vampire while in its nest. The others immediately sprang into action, gnashing their teeth and swinging their fists around. In less than three seconds he had disappeared completely under a writhing dog pile of bloodsucking hellbeasts that were trying to rip his throat out.

Life is a truly beautiful thing, isn't it?

He was just getting around to wondering how the whole turning-into-a-vampire thing was supposed to work, since he was pretty sure he was stuck like a pincushion with fangs, when there was a screeching of metal and suddenly the world was on fire. Well, actually, the vampires were on fire. He kicked them off as they writhed in pain. Several exploded into dust right then and there, but some managed to retreat into the shadows before dying a horrible combustive death. Buffy jumped down from the frame of the roof and tossed him a stake. It was easy the kill the rest of them.

"Ow," said Fang. "Okay. That was productive."

"Yeah, it was, wasn't it?" Buffy said. "Hey, are you hungry?"

IGGY AND ANGEL
Avatar: the Last Airbender
Full Moon Bay

"Get down," Sokka hissed, cramming the winged dog back down into the backpack. "Maybe we should find a more private place to talk."

Suki blinked. "Oh – right. There are waiting rooms over here. Follow me."

Some minutes later they were all situated in what Angel supposed could have passed as a waiting room. It was elevated off the ground and had walls, but it wasn't cozy or warm as waiting rooms were supposed to be. They sat on stone benches and tried to ignore the fact that the other group of refugees in the room were having a rather animated conversation about each other's love lives.

"You look so different without your makeup," Katara observed. "And the new outfit!"

"She used to wear a lot of makeup," Sokka supplied for the benefit of Angel, Iggy, and Total. "Like, a lot."

"It was traditional Kyoshi warrior battle paint," Suki corrected him. "Anyways, that crabby old lady makes all the security guards dress like this. And look at you, sleeveless guy. Been working out?"

"Eh, I'll grab a tree branch and do a few chin touches now and then. Nothing major," said Sokka, stretching and flexing his arms. Angel and Katara both rolled their eyes.

"Are the other Kyoshi warriors around?" Aang asked.

"Yeah," Suki nodded. "After you left Kyoshi, we wanted to find out a way to help people. We ended up escorting a couple refugees and we've been here ever since."

Momo jumped up on the ledge and looked at Suki with wide, watery eyes, obviously begging for attention. Suki giggled and rubbed his ears.

"It's good to see you, too, Momo," she said. "So why are you guys getting tickets for the ferry? Can't you just fly across on Appa?"

"Appa is missing," Katara explained grimly. "We hope to find him in Ba Sing Se."

"I'm so sorry to hear that," said Suki, and then, to Aang, "Are you doing okay?"

"I'm doing fine," Aang snapped. "Would everybody stop worrying about me?"

"Avatar Aang!" Angel recognized that voice – it was Prego-chick! In fact, Lady, Man, and Prego-chick were gathered below the window right outside the waiting room. Angel hop-skipped up to the ledge and perched on it, looking down. "We need your help! Someone took all our belongings, our passports, our tickets, everything's gone!"

And she proceeded to burst into tears.

"I'll talk to the lady for you," Aang said firmly.

But when they did talk to the lady, she didn't seem very enthusiastic.

"No passports, no tickets!" said the ticket woman, and she hit Aang in the head with her stamp, leaving an imprint of squiggly lines on his forehead.

"But she's pregnant, and all their stuff was stolen!" Aang objected. "You have to make an exception."

Have to make an exception. Angel frowned, screwed up her face, and stared at the woman as hard as she could. You have to make an exception, lady. Give them their tickets. It felt like a knife had stabbed her right through the skull. She reached up and yanked on her hair, trying not to cry out, cutting off the connection. Mind control's off, she thought grimly.

"You okay?" Iggy had noticed, somehow, that she was in pain. Creepy.

"Yeah, fine…"

"No exceptions!" the woman shouted. "If I just gave away tickets willy-nilly to everyone, there would be no more order! And you know what that means? No more civilization!"

"What if we gave them our tickets?" Aang suggested.

"No!"

"But -"

"NEXT!"

Aang stomped back towards the group of observers. "Don't worry," he said angrily. "We'll get you to the city safely. I'll lead you through the Serpant's Pass."

NUDGE AND THE GASMAN
Harry Potter
Malfoy Manor

"What is this? What's happened, Cissy?" the crazy-haired lady demanded. She walked slowly up to the prisoners and stopped in front of Hermione. "But surely this is the Mudblood girl? This is Granger?"

"Yes, yes, it's Granger!" cried Mr. Malfoy. "And beside her, we think, Potter! Potter and his friends, caught at last!"

"Potter?" crazy-hair shrieked. "Are you sure? Well then, the Dark Lord must be informed at once!"

"I was about to call him!" Mr. Malfoy objected as crazy-hair began pulling up her sleeve. "I shall summon him, Bella, Potter has been brought to my house, and it is therefore upon my authority - "

"Your authority!" crazy-hair laughed, trying to pull her arm away. "You lost your authority when you lost your wand, Lucius! How dare you! Take your hands off me!"

"This is nothing to do with you, you did not capture the boy - "

"Begging your pardon, Mr. Malfoy," Greyback remarked. "But it's us that caught Potter, and it's us that'll be claiming the gold - "

"Gold!" crazy-hair laughed again. "Take your gold, filthy scavenger, what do I want with gold? I seek only the honor of his – of - "

She froze, staring at something. Mr. Malfoy wrenched free and yanked his sleeve up.

"STOP!" crazy-hair shrieked. "Do not touch it, we shall all perish is the Dark Lord comes now!"

Crazy-hair stepped behind Nudge, and when she turned her head she caught sight of something long and silver. The sword. She wasn't quite clear on why the sword was important, but she knew it was.

"What is that?" crazy-hair asked.

"Sword," grunted the Snatcher in possession of said artifact.

"Give it to me," crazy-hair said coolly.

"It's not yorn, missus, I reckon I found it."

Before Nudge even had time to go through in her mind and figure out what that string of total illiteracy meant, crazy-hair had sliced her wand through the air. There was a bang and a flash of red light and the Snatcher crumpled.

"What d'you think you're playing at, woman?" One of the other Snatchers shouted.

"Stupefy!" crazy-hair screamed. "Stupefy!"

In seconds, the four remaining Snatchers were unconscious on the ground and Greyback was knelt before crazy-hair, with the sword in his hand.

"Where did you get this sword?" she asked in a hoarse whisper, plucking it from his un-objecting grasp.

"How dare you?" he snarled. "Release me, woman!"

She waved the sword around threateningly. "Where did you find this sword? Snape sent it to my vault in Gringotts!"

Gringotts, Nudge remembered, was the wizard bank. "It was in their tent. Release me, I say!"

Crazy-hair waved her wand without conviction and Greyback was immediately able to stand up. He still seemed to scared to approach, however.

"Draco, move this scum outside," crazy-hair indicated the unconscious Snatchers. "If you haven't got the guts to finish them, then leave them in the courtyard for me."

"Don't you dare speak to Draco like – "

Nudge took advantage of the ensuing argument to tip her head back so her mouth was right next to Gazzy's ear.

"If there's any opportunity – any opportunity at all, even if it's just for you – skedaddle, you hear me?" she hissed so quietly that she doubted even that Dean boy, who was right next to the Gasman, could fully make out what she'd said.

"I'd never just go alone," Gazzy whispered back, equally as quietly. Nudge scowled. She was trying to be brave, to channel Max, why couldn't he just go along with it? He was making her doubt herself.

"But if you got out you could blow this place to smithereens and rescue us," she countered after a moment's thought. Gazzy fell silent for a few seconds.

"That would be fun," he admitted.

"Stop whispering!" Nudge felt the sting of a slap on her face and glared murderously. It was crazy-hair. She drew a silver knife and cut Hermione free from the other prisoners and then tossed Greyback his wand. Greyback grimaced at her, but waved it. Nudge found herself and the others being shoved forward by an invisible hand.

"Reckon she'll let me have a bit of the girl when she's finished with her?" Greyback gave a throaty laugh as he led them down a narrow staircase. "I'd say I'll get a bite or two, wouldn't you, ginger?"

Ron's shaking was practically vibrating the lot of them.

Greyback tapped a thick, heavy-looking door and it swung open into blackness. He shut the door behind him, and they were engulfed in darkness. The only sound to be heard was Hermione's horrible screaming in the room above.