Dear Fanfictioneers,

I do not love anything or anyone besides power, my own extreme intelligence, and my prowess with magic. I don't have, nor have I ever had 'friends.' I always have and always will hate Mudbloods. I've never touched Bellatrix Lestrange, Minerva McGonagall, or Hermione Granger. I hate Harry Potter with every fiber of my being, and he is not my lovechild with Albus Dumbledore (Even I wanted to die reading that one). These are solid facts, and so help me, if I see one more of these horrifying stories, I will see you thrown off the Astronomy Tower.

Sincerely,

The Dark Lord

~xoOox~

Dear Fanfictioneers,

LEAVE ME BE.

Sincerely,

Sirius Black

~xoOox~

Dear Fanfictioneers,

I hate Potter. I hate everything about him, and I always will. I hate his friends, I hate his father, I hate his family with the Weasley girl, and I died during the Battle of Hogwarts. Get on with your lives.

Sincerely,

Severus Snape

~xoOox~

Dear Fanfictioneers,

Will you kindly leave me out of your bizarre lesbian daydreams? And leave Dumbledore alone!

Sincerely,

Minerva McGonagall

~xoOox~

Dear Fanfictioneers,

I miss you too.

Sincerely,

Fred Weasley

~xoOox~

Dear Fanfictioneers,

Okay, look, I was sixteen, and I got jealous. I'm not a bad person, or chemically unbalanced, and I most certainly did not lose my marbles and join the Death Eaters. Why do you all hate me so much?

Sincerely,

Lavender Brown

~xoOox~

Dear Fanfictioneers,

Good gracious, I hope you aren't really under the impression that I have fathered children with Minerva. She's a lovely woman, surely, but I'm not sure you heard the news about me. Here's a hint: I wear "a magnificently embroidered purple-and-gold dressing gown" on my average night in (OP22).

Sincerely,

Albus Dumbledore

~xoOox~

Dear Fanfictioneers,

Why—why do you keep trying to kill me?

Sincerely,

Arthur Weasley

~xoOox~

Dear Fanfictioneers,

If I see one more story about Sirius and me, I swear to—stop laughing, Snape!

Sincerely,

Remus Lupin

~xoOox~

Dear Fanfictioneers,

I really don't know how much clearer I can be about this. I. Hate. Mudbloods. I hate them more than anything in the world. I might not have murdered anyone, but that doesn't make me a teddy bear. Write about me and Granger one more time. I dare you.

Sincerely,

Draco Malfoy

~xoOox~

Dear Fanfictioneers,

Good heavens. This is not "Law and Order: SVU." We didn't do any of the things to Harry that you seem to think we did, and you have horrifying imaginations. We bought him glasses, for goodness' sake. Clearly that shows some marginal ability on the attentiveness spectrum. Honestly.

Sincerely,

Vernon and Petunia Dursley

~xoOox~

Hahahahaha it's three in the morning, can you tell? I completely got this idea from someone else, so if you read this and your story like this one is in my favorites, tell me. I'll credit you. I'll add more if I think of them, but for now it's just listed as "complete." If you have an idea, tell me.

EDIT: I know who wrote the original letters that inspired me! HorcruxesandHallows, and the story's called "Dear Writers of Fanfiction."

Lucy