The Plotting of Crowns and Other Inanimate Objects - 3 Unrelated (but Similar) Drabbles

Plotting of Crowns
Rating: PG-13
Summary: An exposition on the power of a fed-up crown and its friend, the crown.

The Crown of Tortall has sat on many heads in its long life.

It had started off as a simple thrifty circlet around the head of the first Conte, adorned with one sparkling sapphire. As the wealth of the country increased, so did the splendor of Crown. It was recast throughout the generations to be larger, more decorated, more ostentatious, and it grew weary from supporting its own weight.

The latest king, one Jonathan of Conte, had not altered Crown before his coronation, due to Court drama and intrigue and some impending war (after so many years, Crown viewed such events as trifling matters. Tortall would always remain, and so would Crown).

Crown did have one companion throughout his long, oft boring, years. The Consort Crown (CC for short) adorned the head of the female monarch. The two of them bickered and argued constantly, though they both agreed that such ostentatious decoration could not be tolerated, for CC was almost as gaudily bedecked as Crown due to the apparent flawless beauty of CC's human. (Of course, neither Crown nor CC could adequately determine human beauty. Most humans and heads seemed the same to them, but apparently the Peerless one required more gilt and Jmore gems upon her crown, and CC groaned under the weight).

The two in agreement, they began plotting how to dump the gaudy extravagance and return to elegant simplicity as in the beginning.

From what they knew of human behavior, gleaned over centuries of study (what else was there to do?), they decided that it was the female monarch who most often requested the hated alterations. Too impatient and groaning under the weight, CC demanded that they not wait for her human to die a natural death.

Together, Crown and CC determined the best candidate for Crown's human after CC's human was dead. It was difficult, for all the females at Court adorned themselves with bright colors and expensive jewels; it was obvious they did not have the proper required taste. All but one. One female, though at Court for stretches of a time and then away for longer, dressed simply yet elegantly, with just the hint of makeup and little jewelry. Her name was inconsequential. Neither crown cared about such human trappings. What was important was that she was no obsequious courtier or marriage-starved heiress. No, from what they gathered, this was a very special female. A Lady Knight. One Keladry of Mindelan.

After careful consideration, CC decided that this female was to be its new human.

Their promising, sensible, candidate selected, the only thing that remained was to get rid of CC's human.

Crown's and Consort Crown's plan went quickly.

As CC's human went tripping down the longest flight of stairs, CC tripped her into flight by shifting its heavy weight and overbalancing the female. Though it meant a long fall and numerous dents, CC was satisfied when the wails confirmed it; CC's human was dead. Dents could be pounded out.

Crown's human was sad for many months. CC was pleased for a while, as the lack of a human allowed it to rest, but quickly became bored with the inside of the holding box.

Thus the next stage began.

Now, being on the heads of so many gifted humans had imparted a small measure of Gift to Crown. Using this, Crown manipulated its human's thoughts. When the appropriate female was in sight, Crown made sure that the king admired her, and when she was gone, that the king could not stop thinking about her.

Sure enough, the two humans began meeting clandestinely, and within what the crowns considered was an acceptable mating time for humans, CC had a new bearer.

When the soon-to-be monarch first beheld CC, both of the crowns nearly quivered in anticipation. Here was where they would find out if their plans had succeeded or if they'd had to try again. The female took one glance at CC's absurd assortment of jewels, gilt, and spires, and quirked her mouth (CC and Crown thought she was amused, but they found it difficult to determine the different emotions of humans).

"You poor thing," the female murmured under her breath. She raised her voice. "Jon, am I allowed to make alterations to the crown?"

CC and Crown held their breath, or would have if they had lungs.

"Of course, my dear, though I'm not sure they can hold any more large gems. I'm sure we get acquire some small diamonds if you'd like, perhaps place a moderately sized ruby right here."

CC wanted to groan like a human did to simulate disappointment and despair (no more rubies!), but instead settled for solemnly vowing to give this human too the experience of flight down the next flight of stairs.

"Oh no, Jon, I'd like to take them off."

"Off?"

"Of course. It just seems all too much; if we are to urge our people to moderation, we ought to show an example."

CC cheered the good fortune. The plan had worked! Crown sighed and grumbled, for CC would finally be free but Crown's human would likely transfer the gems onto Crown.

The king took his consort into his arms. Crown and CC rolled their eyes at the tender moment. Humans were odd, to be sure - surely they didn't need to touch so often. "But my love, then we won't match."

"Won't we?" the female said in a soft purr as she trailed one finger down the long nose of the king. "I think you'd look particularly handsome in just a. simple. circlet." She emphasized each word with a kiss on his cheeks and finally his nose.

The king sighed happily. "It seems I can deny you nothing, Kel." He sealed the agreement with a kiss of his own, and the two fell on the bed, their crowns slipped off and gently placed on a table.

Crown and CC congratulated each other on their fine choice of human and execution of the plan, and commiserated that they'd be witnesses to odd scenes such as the one playing out that moment.

Oh well, it was entirely worth it to finally be able to breathe. If crowns could breathe, that is.

A Bed's Groans
Rating: PG-13
Summary: The royal bed complains.

The Royal Bed of Tortall, or RB as it preferred, was unhappy. RB hated the occupants who slept and made him creak every night. He only knew their names because they yelled them while they made him creak.

The creaking was more than annoying. It kept RB awake at night, and this was simply unacceptable, though RB reluctantly admitted that Jon was only a minor issue. It was the other person, the woman Thayet, that made his mattress padding harden.

RB had hated Jon's Thayet for one simple reason. She was much too loud. It was one thing to carry on with the creaking and the groaning and the moaning, but it was simply another thing to lose all sense of decorum, shrieking as she did. It was rather nauseating.

Eventually, however, RB realized that something was different. There had been nothing more than ordinary restless sleeping from Jon for weeks, and perhaps it was more restless than usual. RB had the distant thought that Jon was unhappy, alone. It's okay, RB whispered to Jon as he slept and RB hugged him tightly with his sheets.. I'll always be here for you. You'll always have me.

Then there came a time after a few years when Jon didn't always return to RB at night; then there was a stretch of nearly a month's worth of missed nights. RB was as worried and concerned as a bed could possibly be, but relaxed in a soft sigh of bedsprings when Jon's voice echoed in the bedchamber.

Then came the creaking, and RB was confused. It sounded different, somehow, but the bed couldn't place its covers on it.

RB pondered this as the creaking continued, and suddenly it came to him.

This wasn't Thayet. She was much too quiet, and it wasn't until Jon called out the name of the woman that RB knew who slept - or wouldsleep after this creaking ritual - in the bed.

It was someone called, 'Kel,' whoever that was. RB had no idea who she was, but apparently Jon did, for he called her name several times. (RB wondered about this; did humans forget the name of the person who shared their bed?) RB rather hoped Jon would get over this behavior; presumably she knew her own name and didn't need to be reminded so urgently.

Still, RB decided that this Kel person was a perfectly acceptable substitute for the raucous Thayet.

Royal Handcuffs Huff
Rating: R
Summary: The Royal Handcuffs of Tortall suffers through dis/misuse. Rating for implied sex and innuendo, and mild (very mild) BDSM.

The Royal Handcuffs of Tortall - Cuffy for short - was bored.

Cuffy had beenbored for nearly two hundred years. The last king to remove Cuffy from the secret hiding place behind the portrait of the first King in the royal sitting room had been Roger during his illicit affair with Lady Sabine of Macayhill. Cuffy still remembered her name; he never forgot a pair of wrists.

There had been another Roger more recently, but Cuffy wasn't sure he counted. Roger hadn't been king, merely a once-dead meglomaniac who stole Cuffy for use in his games with his lover Thom. Cuffy hopedthey didn't count; their games of 'spank the sorcerer' were a bit much, even for him.

He needed another experience to wipe his mind - or whatever he had, his links, maybe - clean of those encounters, but the current King, Jon, didn't seem to be the kinky sort.

So when the current king - one Jonathan of Conte - removed Cuffy from his hidey hole, Cuffy was surprised, but he quickly realized that the king had a new paramour/lover/wife.

Then he grew more excited and his links clinked merrily as he gazed upon her. The woman was no shrinking violet. No, by the looks of her, this was Keladry of Mindelan, the lone Lady Knight in Tortall, and by the look of adoration in her eyes, she loved Jon. Would do anything for the man, which was good for Cuffy. He vaguely remembered hearing something about the king remarrying, but he'd dismissed it at the time, thinking that Jon had no interest in him and that he'd have to wait until Roald became king.

But now, this was different.

Cuffy loved lady knights. They knew how to handle swords and they certainly handled him quite nicely, thank you.