Goody Two Shoes and the Filthy Beast

Introduction: Pass Me By

Silence and darkness ruled the cabin, but such reigns never last for long even in space. Rows of console lights began blinking. Displays strung along screens though there were no eyes to read the data. It was processed though, and soon another light came on, one that made its way across the floor, stopping at the one occupied sleep chamber. Its lights came up slowly until the figure within began to stir. Then the first light spoke.

Good morning, ma'am.

"Huh…wha-?" the woman half sat up, her blood-shot green eyes glaring. Momentarily they closed and she dropped back down on the bed. "Great." She grumbled. "A talking computer."

Of course I talk. it responded in perfectly modulated English. Doesn't every ship's computer?

"Not if you tear out its voice module, or burn it out." A hand rose and glowed with a baleful green light. When the computer gave no response she put it out. "Look at the time; why did you wake me?"

I acted as per your instructions last night; apparently you were too drunk to remember my reply. You wanted to wake up well before we reached Salamaua Station. We shall arrive in two hours.

"Two hours? I can get ready in fif…" she stopped. "Right, this is big. Need to be at my best. See what you can whip up for breakfast, I'm stepping into the soniclean."

The computer sounded genuinely incensed. Soniclean, what do you think this is, a troop transport? This is an astrolaunch. Our water reclamation system is 99.999728% efficient. You can take a full shower.

"A real shower." The woman repeated, awe-struck. "You got any real food to go with it?"

The dehydrated larder is in good condition. If ma'am would tell me her desire.

"Might as well swing for the fences: eggs benedict."

An excellent choice. They will be ready when you've finished your shower. Anything else?

"Do you have any strawberries? It's been over a year since I've had any."

You're in luck, ma'am, there are a few. And to drink? Please remember, you finished the potent potables last night, as your eyes attest.

"How about a virgin mary?"

Another smart choice; the vitamins will no doubt be welcomed by your system. The galley unit has its instructions. As to the shower…

"I know where the head is." She made her way across the floor. Once inside the bathroom she doffed the old sleep shirt. A touch and warm water was hers, she could not help but grin. When was the last time she had had a shower without a timer, or one that did not involve payment of one form or another? A new sponge awaited her and a dispenser delivered powdered soap that turned into a rich lather when mixed with the water. After a long, long shower she reintroduced her hair to the glory of real shampoo and conditioner. The instant the water went off jets of air hit her from all directions at just the right force and temperature. She stepped out clean and dry.

Ma'am, your breakfast is ready.

One hand came up in self-defense while the other pulled long black hair across her body. "Outta here, you perv!"

Listen to my voice, ma'am. It is coming from outside. While I do have a full sensory array in the…facilities it cannot activate without the express command of the occupant, or if there were reason to believe that failure to do so would violate the First Law.

"Have people asked you in when they didn't need help?"

Some, ma'am, yes.

"How long were you with the previous owners?"

Just shy of eighty-seven years; the last twelve served aboard this vessel.

"Nearly a century serving the filthy rich." She shook her head. "Bet you spent a lot of time catering to some twisted requests."

A BATES never reveals the intimate details of its clients.

"BATES?"

Best Autonomic Traveling Electronic Servant or BATES for short. I'm the finest achievement of the Whimsical Wiring Corporation; the recreation of a nineteenth/twentieth century English butler, a time and place where one could find good help. Thanks to continuous updates I am as current now as I was the day of my release. the catch in its voice gave credit to the designers. The recent communications blackout has been disconcerting to say the least.

"Like the drop in chatter myself." She stepped out in a bathrobe and made a bee line to the table. "Everything looks and smells great. You know your business, BATES."

Thank you, ma'am.

A smile pulled on the woman's lips. "You could even say you're a master."

Ah, a pun. How droll.

"You know humor?" she sat down and put the napkin in her lap.

I can recognize the attempt. Most people fail miserably, humans especially tend to take themselves too seriously to be humorous.

"You're in luck there. Only things I take seriously are where the next meal and good stiff drink are coming from: mainly the latter." She sipped her drink. "Great taste; needs vodka."

The repast proved most satisfactory. Afterwards she did her hair and makeup and dressed more carefully than she had in some time.

A right smart look, ma'am, if not quite what I was expecting.

"For what I'm up to, it'll work better than an evening gown. You're following the navibeacons?"

Of course, ma'am. Strangely, they're turning off after we pass them. Oh, dear, they're also…detonating?

Black lips pursed. "Not good. Means I don't have as much time as I thought. Still, that can work for me." She took a seat at the controls. "Captain on deck. They may want to talk to someone before they let us land. Don't normally wear this much, or any, makeup, but I don't want any newb freaking over the green undertones."

I trust ma'am has a plan?

"Yep. Just keep quiet when we get to Salamaua and you'll have something new to add to your memory."

Very good, ma'am. And if it would not be too bold, you would care to give me your name?"

"Certainly, BATES. Name's Shego. Just Shego."

Very well, ma'am. Pleased to make your acquaintance. We have a little time before we reach the port, would ma'am care to hear the ethers?

"Nah, they'll all be going on about the same thing."

Then how about some music?

"Whatcha got?"

Every known human recording. And if you would indulge me; I fancy myself capable of choosing an appropriate song for any mood or personality. May I try with you?

Shego stretched in her chair and put her heels up on the command console. "Shoot."

Normally Shego doubted any claim by anyone when it came to understanding her. But it only took a few raucous notes to see that this computer knew a little about people.

I've got me ten fine toes to wiggle in the sand.
Lots of idle fingers snap to my command.
A lively pair of heels that kick to beat the band.
Contemplatin' nature can be fascinatin'.
Add to these a nose that I can thumb,
And a mouth by gum have I,
To tell the whole darn world if you don't happen to like it deal me out,
Thankyou kindly Pass Me By

She found herself singing along lustily with the chorus.

Pass Me By-y, Pass Me By-y-y.
If you don't happen to like it Pass Me By.

I've got me two great shoes that never saw a shine.
Trousers I can hold up with a laundry line.
A lovely patch that hides an awful lot of spine.
Shirt-tails flyin', I'm a bloomin' dandelion!
Add to these a grin from ear to ear,
And all the proper gear have I,
To tell the whole darn world if you don't like the assortment deal me out,
Thankyou kindly Pass Me By

Pass Me By-y, Pass Me By-y-y.
If you don't happen to like it Pass Me By.

Kim Possible and related characters are the property of Walt Disney.

Father Goose was released in 1964 by Republic Pictures.

Pass Me By, from the movie, was written by Carollyn Leigh with music by Cy Coleman.