~ Between Dusk and Dawn ~

Chapter Five ~ Never in a Million Years

"You want me to help?"

Jim stood and held his hands out to Kate. She shook her head and struggled to a standing position weakly.

"I can do it," she said through clenched teeth.

"Now you sound like you're three years old again." He smiled indulgently though she frowned.

"I'm not an invalid, dad."

"Yes you are," he said firmly. "At least for now. You were shot in the chest less than a week ago. You shouldn't be pushing yourself so hard."

"They want to send me home in a few days so I have to prove that I can take care of myself." She shuffled past him ungracefully to the washroom. "I'll be back in a minute."

Jim Beckett sighed and counted to ten. His daughter was no easier to reason with at thirtysomething than she'd been at three. He doubted she ever would be and in a way pitied whatever man she ended up with as a life partner, should she choose one. The poor man wasn't going to have an easy time of it.

Kate opened the door, looking a little pale.

"Come on." Jim strode forward and linked his arm with hers. "Let's get you back in bed."

"If I can't do it myself they won't let me go home," she argued. "I don't want to stay any longer than I have to!"

"And if you go home, push yourself too hard and rupture something internally, you'll be right back here having surgery again. Is that what you want, Katie?"

She flushed. "Of course not. I just … hate being dependent on people. I hate being here and not being allowed to do anything. Having people constantly waiting on me." She sank down on the bed, face pale, eyes darkly sunken shadows glowing like coals.

"There's no shame in admitting you need help," he said gently. "In fact it's good to have people who are willing to take care of you if and when you need it."

"Hmph."

He drew in a long breath. "I'd be happy to see you out of here and back home if I knew you'd let someone help you once you were there. You have two men who are worried sick about you, who are willing to help in any way they can. It's obvious they both care deeply for you but you're pushing them away. Why?"

Her hazel eyes grew stormy, appearing almost black. "I don't need … I don't want … " She stopped and swallowed.

"You don't want to let anyone get too close, do you? You're afraid to let anyone see you at less than your best."

"Dad - "

He waved it away. "I understand where the feelings come from, trust me, and I know only too well there's a whole lot more that's keeping you from putting your heart on the line. These are good men who both clearly adore you, but they're not going to stick around forever waiting for you. Love is a two-way street Katie, and if you're only going one way, you're not getting anywhere. You don't want to lose them both because you're afraid. Growing old alone is no fun. I know." A shadow darkened his eyes. "I know you feel like you lost your life when your mother died. So did I. But I'd already had my chance at romance, marriage and family. Yours is still ahead of you. Don't waste it because you're afraid to let them see you're not always strong." He smiled sadly. "They're neither of them stupid, Katie. They know you better than you think."

"Dad - " This time she stopped herself, tears choking back the words.

He stepped forward and took her hand. "Okay, I'll stop preaching at you now. You know I love you and that's the only reason I'm concerned for your future."

"I know." She pulled at him weakly and he leaned in and gave her a gentle hug.

"Is there anything you need before I go?"

Kate shook her head. "I'm okay."

"I love you, kiddo."

"Ditto."

xxxxx

The first thing she saw when she opened her eyes and blinked the sleep out of them was the Starbucks cup perched on the adjustable table beside her bed. Her tastebuds tingled and she could already taste the coffee, strong with two shots of caramel, just the way she …

Kate rolled over and stared up at the ceiling. Castle was the only one who knew exactly how she liked her coffee. He was also the only one who'd be daring enough to bring her Starbucks in the hospital. At first she was angry. How dare he. He knows I don't want to see him. Then her father's words rang in her ears. You have two men who are worried sick about you who are willing to help you in any way they can. She pondered the words. A peace offering. It's a peace offering, Kate. He knows you're upset, hurt, but he's still there, trying to take care of you. A slow, steady ache began to take root in her heart, yet somehow she still couldn't bring herself to touch the cup.

The door opened softly and a familiar head poked into the room, followed by a uniform-clad body. "Good evening, Kate. How are you doing?"

Kate smiled. "Pretty well, thanks. How are you Jessie?"

The nurse smiled back as she bustled around the room, attending to her duties. "Oh, I'm fine, love. The little one, Emmy, had a bit of a fever this morning so I kept her home from school but by three o'clock she seemed fine so I left her with her aunt and here I am."

"I'm glad she's feeling better."

"It's always so worrisome when they're sick, you know? Being a mom is the hardest job in the world. This is a cakewalk in comparison." She grinned at Kate and the older woman's warmth and compassion filled her soul with something like sunshine.

"Can you get up for a few minutes so I can make the bed? Thanks."

Kate slowly lifted her legs to hang over the edge, careful not to wince; she knew her every move was being watched and recorded. She slipped off the bed carefully while Jessie deftly stripped the sheets.

"Are you planning on having a family someday, Kate?" she asked conversationally.

"I don't know." Her cheeks grew warm. "I guess I haven't really planned that far ahead - "

" 'Spose having a man would be helpful for that too," the nurse chuckled.

"I have one. Sort of," Kate amended.

"Oh?"

Kate bit her lip. "It's complicated."

"Oh."

Kate flushed. In just one syllable the woman had said more than Kate herself could have gleaned from a suspect in an hour's worth of questioning. "Speaking of complicated … where did the coffee come from?"

Jessie's eyes flicked to the Starbucks cup then dropped back down to her work. "I don't know, love."

Kate knew she was lying. "Yes you do."

Jessie looked up and there was a guarded look in her eyes. It was one the detective knew well. "Tell me."

"The nurse stood her ground for a moment, then the words exploded out of her as if she couldn't keep them in any longer. "He said not to." She looked relieved, as if having to lie was the most painful thing she'd had to endure in many a day.

"Tell me, Jessie."

She faltered under Kate's force. For the first time since meeting her patient, she was getting a taste of Kate Beckett, the unyielding detective, rather than the vulnerable patient.

"It was Mr. Castle."

"I knew it."

"Then why did you ask?"

"Confirmation. All hypotheses need confirmation before they become facts." Kate allowed herself a quick smug smile. "I'm sorry, I'm using my work jargon on you."

"It's okay. If nothing else it proves you're healing." Jessie smiled warmly. "Your mind is nearly ready to get back to it, now we just need your body to catch up. That's the tricky part."

"I had a feeling you were going to say that."

"Lay down, Kate dear." Jessie patted the freshly made bed. "You won't tell Mr. Castle I told you, will you?"

"I won't tell him but I'm sure he'll figure it out." At the nurse's chagrined face she added, "Don't worry, he'll understand. He knows there's no stopping me when I'm determined to find something out."

xxxxx

He was already in a cab on his way to the precinct when Castle realized his mistake. He'd run on autopilot since waking up; getting showered and dressed and heading out before he noticed he had nowhere to go. Where had he asked the driver to let him off? For a moment he couldn't remember, then he leaned forward. "Scratch the coffee shop and take me straight to the twelfth precinct please," he said politely.

The driver grinned. "You sure it's a good idea to skip your morning coffee?"

Castle grinned lopsidedly but it was without real humour. "I'm sure." To himself he whispered, "I'm not even sure it's a good idea to be showing up for work at all." But he had nowhere else to go. Nothing else to do. He could turn around and head back home but a part of him needed to be here, where they'd spent so much time together. If he couldn't be with her, he could at least be somewhere that reminded him of her. Seeing Ryan and Esposito would be good too. He'd missed them.

The atmosphere seemed tense as he stepped off the elevator. Castle frowned. It couldn't just be about Kate. As integral to the department as she was, the shock of her shooting would have worn off by now and things should have started getting back to normal. Besides, she was getting better. Everyone had to know by now that she was on the mend.

Castle walked purposefully over to Ryan and Esposito's desk. They were busily at work, on the computer and phone respectively. Neither of them looked amused.

"Hey guys."

"Oh hey, Castle," Ryan said, lifting his head up and blinking like an owl. Clearly he'd been staring mindlessly at his computer screen, pupils dilated. "What are you doing here?"

"I … " Couldn't stay away. Had to be somewhere I could be near her. He couldn't bring himself to say the words.

Ryan stood and clapped him on the shoulder comfortingly. "I know. But this really isn't the best place for you right now."

"I don't understand."

Esposito hung up. "The new Captain - " He stopped as his partner drew a quick finger across his throat.

"Well, well, well," said a female voice behind them. Castle and Esposito turned. "You must be Mr. Castle." She smiled and held out her hand. He took it. "You look just like your dustjacket photos. An amazing feat to be sure."

"You've read my books," he said politely. "I'm flattered."

"Every once in a while it's nice to curl up with some light reading. Nothing like the real thing of course but it's fun to read fluff now and then."

Castle's jaw tightened. "I'm glad you enjoyed them," he said tightly.

"I'm Captain Meyers. Head of the precinct."

"It's nice to meet you." But his voice sounded like he was anything but amused.

"I know you've done some consulting with the department in the past Mr. Castle. We thank you for your time and effort."

"Happy to help wherever I can." He gave her a small smile.

" - but I don't think we'll be requiring your services for the time being."

"Oh."

"It was nice meeting you," she said briskly, preparing to go. Obviously the conversation was over. "Send our best wishes along to detective Beckett if you see her, please."

"Will do," he said dully, watching her back as she strode away. He felt like someone had punched him in the gut. Kate didn't want him around. The precinct didn't want him around. He felt like he was losing everything that mattered to him.

TBC