~ Between Dusk and Dawn ~

Chapter One ~ Ice Fire

"I love you Kate."

Her eyes stared at him uncomprehendingly and then closed, body going limp as the life drained out of her.

It broke him.

Castle gathered her into his arms, holding her against his chest, their hearts pressed together as her lifeblood drained out and permanently stained him.

"I love you. I love you. I love you Kate." He whispered the words over and over as if in the repetition they would magically become something more, something that could save her, could bring her back. He'd sworn to save her from herself. He'd promised Jim Beckett he'd keep her alive. He'd given his vow to Montgomery that he'd do anything to save Kate even if she herself fought it. He had, but it hadn't been enough. This time he'd been too slow; hadn't been able to put himself between her and the instrument of death that had finally caught up with her.

"I love you, Kate. I love you."

Dimly, through his chanting, he became aware of voices close by.

"Let me see her."

He held her tighter. "I love you Kate."

"Castle, put her down."

"I love you. I love you."

"Castle put her down so Lanie can examine her," the voice repeated. Esposito.

"I've got a pulse!"

A hand touched his shoulder.

A female voice screeched at him. "She's still alive Castle! Put her down so I can save her!"

The tiny woman tore her out of his arms as strong hands gripped him and held him back.

"I love you! I love you Kate!" Castle called out urgently, ironically more terrified of losing her once she was out of his arms and being attended by a doctor.

"Kate!"

"It's okay buddy," Ryan said comfortingly but there were no low tones in his voice, only a high-pitched strung-out fear. "She'll be okay. Lanie will keep her alive 'til the ambulance gets here."

He watched in frustrated helplessness as Lanie ripped open Kate's dress uniform, revealing her bra-clad chest, crimson with blood. Time seemed to stand still as she began CPR and applied pressure to the wound.

"I love you," he repeated still, his voice barely a whispered plea. Tears cascaded down his cheeks. "I love you, Kate. Please … "

Voices raised penetrated his consciousness as the ambulance arrived.

"Gunshot wound to the chest."

"Missed the heart I think."

"Need to get a transfusion started immediately."

"Blood type B positive."

"Oxygen, stat."

"Pulse is weak and thready."

"Blood pressure's all over the map."

Ninety seconds later they had her loaded in the back of the vehicle, hooked up to numerous machines and ready to be taken away. Castle rose to his feet. "Kate, Kate .. " he said brokenly, but though he wanted to be by her side, Jim Beckett, greyer and suddenly very old looking, was the one who rode with her. They bore her body away in a blaze of light and noise and speed.

Castle wept.

xxxxx

They sat at the hospital together, Castle, Martha, Alexis, Ryan, Jenny, Esposito, Lanie and Jim - more family now than ever before, bound in a way that only shared sorrow could bind. Shocked silence turned to whispered conversations as the hours passed.

Castle was aware of none of it. All he saw was Kate's face, pale, shocked, immobile, in front of him. His only words were still for her.

Take it from someone who's better than halfway through the movie. Don't waste another minute of it.

Martha always gave sound advice. He wished he could have taken it. Oh how he wished he could have but by the time it was given the die had already been cast. He could have tried to tell her but Kate would have brushed the emotions away, her only thoughts then for her surrogate father, absolved, loved, dearly missed.

Now it was too late. Her life hung in the balance. Her blood had stained through his shirt and the warmth of it on his chest made him feel paradoxically closer to her than ever before.

"I love you Kate."

Alexis took his hand. Martha, on his other side, held his arm. "You'll get a chance to tell her yet. She's strong, she's a fighter. She'll pull through."

If anything happens to her …

He still didn't know how to finish that sentence. Prose was easy to write; words that described the stories in his head flowed easily. Verbalizing that which resided in the deepest parts of his heart and soul didn't come easy. Never had.

If anything happens to her …

All he knew was that he couldn't let it. But he had. He'd loved her and tried to use that love as a shield but it hadn't been enough. He'd failed her.

xxxxx

The hours wore on and still she was in surgery. Lanie had tried to be positive but he'd seen the paleness under her dark skin and heard the desperation in the medical examiner's voice. It was touch and go and the odds weren't good.

People began to leave, first Ryan and Jenny - apologetic and begging to be kept informed. Then Esposito and Lanie, lastly Martha and Alexis, hugging him though he sat stiffly, unable to return the affection.

As darkness enveloped the warm spring evening, only he and Jim Beckett were left. Waiting. Praying. Silent.

"I love her," Castle finally whispered, eyes still glued to the floor. It was a plea for absolution, forgiveness for not fulfilling his promise, more than a declaration.

"I know you do."

In the other man's voice he heard understanding and a part of him was both grateful and pleased that Jim shared his daughter's quick intelligence and perceptiveness.

"I love her," he repeated, fiercely this time, fresh tears wetting his eyes. "I should have told her sooner. Right before she was shot wasn't … "

"Katie isn't the easiest person to talk to about feelings. You must know that if you've spent three years with her." Jim smiled sadly and Castle finally turned to meet his eyes, a frisson of surprise filling him as he saw how much Kate's father had aged in the last few hours. He wondered if he himself had aged as well; figured he probably had.

"It doesn't mean she doesn't have feelings, she just doesn't like to show them."

"I understand why she keeps the hurt hidden but the happiness? Or doesn't she ever feel happy? She smiles on the outside but you know that inside - " Castle trailed off, unable to find words.

Jim studied him for a moment. "I think she's afraid to let herself be happy. Afraid that she'll be betraying her mother somehow by not keeping her grief front and centre."

"She's let such a hard life," Castle said sadly. "I want her to be happy. I want to make her happy."

Jim reached across the table and touched his hand, much like Martha had in their heart to heart only a day ago. "Nothing would make me happier, Rick. I want my girl to have peace and happiness in her life."

"She won't though, not until it's over."

"It may very well be already." Jim's voice broke and he covered his face with his hands.

Richard Castle felt his heart break all over again and struggled to keep his own tears back.

xxxxx

"Mr. Beckett?"

Both men's heads snapped up. "Yes?"

The surgeon ran a tired hand through his hair and sat with them.

"How is she?" Jim asked, voice shaky.

"She's alive."

Castle saw the man's weariness; no surprise after six hours of surgery.

"The next forty-eight hours are critical. The bullet tore a hole in her left lung and nicked a main artery. She lost a lot of blood and is on a respirator. I'll be honest with you. Her chances aren't very good."

"Can I see her?"

The surgeon nodded. "Just a couple of minutes. She's very weak."

Castle stood with them. The surgeon put a hand up to stop him. "Only one visitor please."

"But I … I …"

"Are you her husband? Boyfriend?"

Castle shook his head, a lump growing in his chest.

"Then I'm sorry."

Jim touched his arm. "I'll just go in for a minute and then you can see her."

Castle's mouth felt thick and dry. "Thank you."

xxxxx

She looked so small, so fragile. Nothing like the willowy woman with the mental energy of ten people; the Kate Beckett he was used to seeing. Castle thought his heart couldn't possibly feel any more pain than it already did but staring down at the strong, proud woman he loved, pale, breathing only because of a machine, he felt a stab in his chest that literally bowed his shoulders.

"Kate," he sobbed. "Don't leave me. I love you."

The surgeon was clearly moved. "She's damned lucky to be alive at all. If the bullet had landed a couple of millimetres to the right … " Castle swallowed hard. "… there wouldn't have been anything anyone could do. She'd have died within minutes." He cleared his throat. "I promise we'll take good care of her Mr. Castle."

Castle turned his head in surprise. He'd never mentioned his name.

The other man smiled weakly. "Yes, I recognized you. We'll do everything we can for her. I promise you that."

You can't protect her from herself, he thought sadly. She has to want to live. Aloud he said, "Can I stay with her?"

He shook his head. "I'm sorry. No visitors in the ICU."

"I need to be with her."

"I'm sorry. You can come back tomorrow - " he checked his watch and corrected himself, "- later today for another ten minute visit at six o'clock. Visiting hours and procedures are strict here given the seriousness of the patients' conditions in this ward."

"I understand," Castle choked out. "Call me if there's any change."

The surgeon held out the clipboard for him to write his number. "The minute anything changes we'll call."

"Day or night."

The surgeon patted his arm. "Go home and get cleaned up. I need to do the same."

Tears pricked his eyes again when he looked back and forth between them, realizing the surgeon's green scrubs were as stained with Kate's blood as his black funeral suit was. Her blood, her life, poured out on both of them. One man her friend, partner, would-be lover, who'd promised to save her but couldn't, the other a stranger who didn't know her from Eve but whose promise was just as strong. From the lowest depths of his heart he was grateful.

"Thank you," he said hoarsely. "Thank you," and he took one last look at Kate before clenching his teeth and walking out of the room.

TBC

A/N: I haven't forgotten about Always - the finale kind of sent my muse off into a corner from which I'm finally emerging. Unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately?) I've also got several ideas for post finale stories, so I'm going to try to write them concurrently. I do hope you enjoy all of my stories. :)