Okay, I totally meant to have this up a week ago, but AT&T decided that we didn't deserve internet. So we called a guy out to fix it, and he screwed up not only our internet but our TV as well. Story of everyone's life, huh? Sigh. We finally got our internet back up like ten minutes ago. I need FanFiction!

Glaring at the expense report she was supposed to be filling out for yet another ruined dress, Kensi sighed. She looked up at Deeks desk, where he sat, on the phone with his sister. They'd been living together for a few weeks now, and he was happier than she'd ever seen him. He was laughing at something she'd said, and telling her he'd be home in an hour, telling her not to wait up, and that he'd grab some food on his way home. Kensi almost snorted at that. Michelle was an amazing cook, and it was something she loved doing. She wouldn't let Marty in the house with take-out.

Watching him, Kensi felt a flash of envy. She missed the comfortable conversations like that. She ached for someone to go home to every night. She glanced up at the Ops center. Blinking blue, red and green lights still decorated the ceiling outside the doors, indicating that someone was still there. Hoping it was Eric, Kensi abandoned the report and casually made her way up the stairs.

When she reached the top step, Kensi smiled in relief when she heard the tech's voice. She was took a few steps forward, but froze when she realized that he wasn't alone. And that he was talking about her.

"- around Christmas there was that guy who was faking PTSD and she got really involved in the case?

"Yeah, vaguely," came Nell's innocent voice. "She was engaged to a guy who actually had PTSD right? That's why she knew so much about it, and why she was so emotionally invested in the case."

"Right," Eric confirmed. "I think... I think he's who she wanted me to find."

Kensi tucked herself into a little niche in the wall just outside Ops, listening to their conversation shamelessly. If they're going to talk about me, I'm going to listen, she rationalized.

"Did you?" Nell asked curiously.

Kensi could hear Eric's sigh from outside. Her heart picked up tempo, and she refused to think about all the very bad reasons for that sigh. Maybe he just doesn't want to admit to her that he couldn't find him...

"Yep. Or rather, I found his grave."

Kensi was suddenly very grateful for the wall behind her. She fell back against it in shock. His grave... Vaguely, she realized that Eric was still speaking, and fought over the ringing in her ears to listen.

"- overdosed on prescription sedatives about four years ago. It was ruled accidental, but LAPD suspected that it was a suicide. He wasn't the usual type found out in the streets. Ironically, he's in the same cemetery as Callen's sister, listed as a John Doe. They couldn't find anyone to identify him, and apparently were too lazy to do a DNA test. He was really difficult to locate, I had to do it through dental records. After he left Kensi, he just kind of disappeared..."

Eric's voice was getting fainter. Blinking, Kensi found herself halfway down the stairs. She hadn't even realized she was walking. Blindly, she walked out of the building into the hot, damp night.

Suspect it was a suicide... after he left Kensi, he just kind of disappeared... overdosed... suicide... Eric's words floated around in her head, taking over. She couldn't think of anything but what he'd said. Suicide... that word in particular taunted her. You didn't try hard enough, you didn't love him enough, it accused. It's your fault...

"No..." Kensi whispered. "No, no, no..." She numbly registered that she was on the beach, gasping for breath, legs aching. The crashing waves added to the cacophony in her head, making the words even louder. It's your fault... "No..." She fell to her knees in the sand, shaking her head. "No, no, no..."

"Hey, you guys seen Kens?" Deeks asked. Michelle had invited her over for dinner again tomorrow. He had laughed at her "innocent" invitation. His sister was back in his life for two weeks, and already she was trying to set him up. Typical little sisters.

"Think she went upstairs," Sam answered distractedly. He and Callen were playing some sort of card game, and Callen was winning. "Hey, that was a queen of diamonds, not hearts!"

Callen grinned and shuffled his handful of cards. "Prove it," he challenged with a smirk. Deeks laughed as he passed.

"Hey Eric!" he called from the bullpen. When the tech's blonde head appeared over the railing, he asked, "Kensi up there?"

Eric shook his head, saying, "Haven't seen her."

"Huh," Deeks grunted. "Maybe she went to the gym." He pounded down the steps into the well equipped work out area, glancing around. She wasn't one of the few agents down there, and she wasn't in the shooting range either. Deeks frowned. Where had she gone?

A few minutes later, he reentered the bullpen. "Guys, I can't find her anywhere," he said worriedly.

Callen snorted. "Maybe she's avoiding you," he suggested without looking up from the cards that were spread between the two partners.

"I haven't done anything to piss her off today," Deeks countered.

This caused both men to raise their eyes from the deck and give him incredulous looks. "Well, okay, I haven't done anything to piss her off in the last two hours," Deeks amended. "And I know she didn't leave, her stuff and her car are still here."

Sam rolled his eyes and yelled, "Yo, Eric!" The annoyed surfer once more appeared at the railing. "You summoned?" he retorted sarcastically.

"Trace Kensi's cell so Deeks doesn't have a heart attack," Sam said. "Please?" he added at the raised eyebrow he received. Rolling his eyes, Eric returned to his lair.

A few impatient moments (on Deeks' part) later, he reappeared, a frown on his face. "Guys she's three miles from here. Looks like she's headed for the beach."

At this, both Sam and Callen stopped chuckling. "Okay, that's weird," Sam acknowledged. Deeks frowned. He knew his partner, and he knew that, like many people, she went to the beach when she was upset. Why would she go so suddenly though? Something must have really rattled her, he mused. Then it hit him.

He raced up the steps, and beckoned to Eric at the top. "Did you find Jack?" he asked quietly, not wasting any time explaining. Eric looked startled. "She told y-"

"Eric," Deeks said curtly.

The techie seemed to understand that it was urgent. "Yeah, he's dead. Has been for four years, they think it was a suicide, but it was never proven," he said remorsefully.

Deeks let out the breath he'd been holding. "Did you tell her?"

Eric shook his head. "Did you tell anyone?" Deeks asked impatiently.

"I just found him today," Eric protested, but at the look he got from the liaison, he admitted, "Yeah, I told Nell a little while ago. I wasn't sure how to tell Kensi, so I thought I'd get a little advice."

Deeks groaned. "What?" Eric asked defensively. "Nell wouldn't tell her!"

"I know that, but Sam and Callen said Kensi was up here a little while ago. Just because you didn't see her doesn't mean she wasn't," Deeks said, frustrated. He saw Eric's eyes widen in horrified realization.

"I didn't..."

"I know. I just need to find her. Send the trace to my phone, 'kay?" Deeks didn't wait for a response before rushing downstairs and out the door. Feeling awful, Eric returned to the computers. Oh, Kensi, he thought guiltily, I didn't mean for you to find out that way... I'm so sorry...

Kensi knelt in the sand, clutching her stomach, literally holding herself together. "No," she murmured, over and over again. She wasn't really aware of what exactly she was denying at this point. She wasn't entirely sure how long she'd been there when she felt him sit down next to her.

He didn't say anything, just sat there. Finally, when she couldn't take the silence between them anymore, she gathered the strength to lift her head. "You know?" she whispered hoarsely.

Deeks sat staring out at the ocean. After a moment, he turned his head to her. "Not if you don't want me to," he responded earnestly.

Kensi took a few deep breaths, trying to calm herself, to focus on Deeks. "Suicide, Deeks. He... he killed himself. How could he kill himself?" she said, hopelessly trying to make sense of what had happened.

"They couldn't prove that," Deeks reminded her softly.

She gave a harsh, humorless laugh that told him she didn't need proof.

"I couldn't help him. I tried everything... I helped, I watched, I calmed him, I... Why was it so hard?" she asked desperately. "Why wasn't I good enough?"

She jumped when Deeks suddenly grabbed her shoulders, pulling her closer to him, forcing her to face him. "You did everything you could Kens, you just said it yourself. He made the choice to leave. It wasn't anything you did, it was his choice, and his choice alone."

Kensi was shaking her head. "No, no, it was my fault, I didn't try hard enough, I didn't love him enough to make him want to stay! It's my fault Deeks, it's my fault," she finally gave voice to the demons who had been haunting her ever since she heard. She was crying now, the tears she'd held back for so long finally slipping past her carefully constructed walls.

At her words, Deeks' own eyes filled as well. "No, Kensi. No. It was not your fault, Kens, how could you even think that? You did not force him to leave, you loved him, and you helped him through whatever came your way. You were what, twenty-one? Kens, you were both so young. That was a hard thing to deal with at any age! You were there for him for every step. He made the choice, without you, to leave the path you were on together. It wasn't fair for either of you. Kensi, listen to me," he slid his fingers beneath her chin, gently pulling her head toward him. Her tear stained face glistened in the moonlight. Dark, mismatched eyes met clear blue ones. "It was not your fault."

Slowly, she nodded, shaking loose more tears. With a deep, shuddering breath, she whispered, "It was not my fault." Deeks could tell she didn't quite believe the words yet, and he gently drew her to him, gathering her in his arms on the sand. She willingly obliged, burying her face in his neck.

The two sat there for a long time. Kensi cried until she couldn't anymore, and Deeks rocked her back and forth, his shirt soaking up her pain. When her sobs subsided into little gasps and hiccups, he pulled back slightly to look into her eyes. "Let's go home?" She nodded and accepted his hand to help her stand up. He noticed her slight wince, and couldn't help a soft chuckle.

"You are going to be sore tomorrow," he commented. "Why on earth did you run here?"

Kensi smiled ruefully. "I have no idea, I don't even remember it."

Deeks wrapped his arm around her shoulders and said, "Well, I drove here, so we'll take my car. Your place or mine?"

She snorted at his innuendo. "Classy, Deeks," she teased softly. "Michelle and the kids are at your place, right?"

Deeks' eyes widened. "Crap. I am going to get hell from everybody! I left my phone in the car!"

Kensi smiled a little when the reached the car and Deeks discovered that he had sixteen missed calls and seven new voicemails. "Not good, not good, not good," he chanted as he ignored the messages.

"Hey, Shelly, its' m-" was all he got out on the first call he made. Kensi snickered quietly at the loud voice on the other end. "Yes, I'm fine, I jus- I know I said-" he waited patiently for the tirade to end. "I'm at the beach, it's a long story," he finally got in. Kensi distinctly heard his sister yell, "The beach? It's two A.M.!"

Startled, Kensi looked at the clock on the dashboard. Sure enough, the little glowing numbers informed her that it was 2:07 in the morning. It had been around ten P.M. when she'd last checked the time, back at the mission.

"Yes, I will tell her. I promise. Okay, I'll see you tomorrow, 'night," Deeks murmured as he hung up the phone. He stared at it for a moment, then decided, "I'm just going to text the others." Kensi smiled in agreement.

A few minutes later, they were pulling into her driveway. Deeks turned the car off and looked over at her. "This is it," he said tentatively, when she didn't move. She sighed in response.

"It's empty," she said cryptically as she finally pushed the door open. Deeks frowned, but didn't ask. He followed her up to her door and watched worriedly as she unlocked it and disarmed the security system. She didn't seem to really register what exactly she was doing.

"You hungry?" he asked quietly as he set down his bag. Kensi was staring around her home as if she'd never seen it before. She shook her head slightly. "No, but make yourself at home. I'm going to go take a shower." Without waiting for a response, she padded down the hallway to the master bedroom.

She numbly started the water, running it hotter than she normally would, ignoring the burning heat as she stepped in. She stared at the tiles lining the walls of her shower for a long time. Finally, exhausted, she sank to the floor, pulling her knees up to her chest, and cried. Not huge, heart-wrenching sobs like out on the beach, but a silent surrender to the emotions gathering in her chest.

Deeks rummaged around in her cupboards, searching for something to eat that required little to no effort to prepare. Coming across a few granola bars, he grabbed them and returned to the living room. Looking around, he tried to see what Kensi had been seeing tonight when she walked in.

The room was filled with little trinkets, souvenirs, and the worn, comfortable couch was piled high with blankets. It was a very lived in room, he mused. The walls were a comforting beige that went with everything, and a few paintings dotted the room. Suddenly he made the connection to her comment in the car. It's empty.

There were no pictures, anywhere. Nothing personal. He understood that, it was an occupational hazard. But the room itself was also very neutral. She had made very few changes to any of the rooms in her house. Her stuff filled every room, but stuff was easily packed up in boxes and shipped away. Her house was easy to leave, he realized. Her stuff she can take anywhere, but she doesn't get attached to the house.

And most conspicuously, there was no one in the house except her. She lived a lonely life. They all did really. They're old friends had no idea what they did, and the new ones didn't even know their names. Their relationships were based on lies.

He and Sam were lucky, he thought. They had a family to go home to, people to love and greet them after a terrible day of killing and blood and greed. They had someone- several someones- to distract them, to make them forget all the violence they'd seen that day. Kensi and Callen had no one. They had empty houses. Callen didn't even attempt to pretend his was a home. Kensi made an effort, but even he could see that her heart wasn't fully in it. She'd probably been thinking of why she'd been forced to move again when she was unpacking, and most likely wondering when she'd have to do it again.

Feeling even more depressed than he had been before he'd gone on his mini psychological tangent, he fell onto the couch. He could still hear the water running in the other room. Groaning, he pulled out his cell phone to listen to the increasingly annoyed messages he'd been left. He found four from Michelle, one from each Sam and Callen, and one from Eric. He couldn't help the smile that spread across his face as he listened to the increasingly concerned and annoyed messages from his sister. Both Sam's and Callen's had a bit of a suspicious air to them, and were asking about Kensi, and if he knew what was wrong. He didn't pay much attention to them. Eric's message however, caught his attention.

"Hey, Deeks... I, uh... When you see Kensi, can you tell her I'm really sorry? I... shouldn't have told Nell, and uh... anyway, I was going through Jack's case file again, and I found out that when they found him, there was a note in his pocket. It was addressed to Kensi, but there was no last name, so they couldn't get it to her. Um... call me, and I'll give you the information. I hope... I hope Kensi's alright."

Deeks felt bad for the poor techie. He sounded so guilty and sad. He didn't spend much time thinking about Eric though. A note...

He quickly sent a text to Eric: Kensi's fine. Where's the note?

Deeks set the phone on the coffee table and stretched, not expecting a reply. He was startled when his phone chimed, announcing a text from Eric.

LAPD evidence. Contact Evan Vinesmith 555-5783 he was the case officer.

Vinesmith, Deeks thought in surprise. I know him. He was a burly man who looked like a bouncer and had a wicked sense of humor and a soft side for anyone he liked. Before Deeks realized what he was doing, he was dialing the number Eric had sent him.

He was about to hit send when the water finally shut off. He looked down and the numbers glowing on his screen. Tomorrow, he promised himself. Or, well, I guess later today. The clock read 3:14. Deeks sighed. They had to work tomorrow, he thought with a groan.

He turned out all the lights and locked the doors before trekking back to the master bedroom. It seemed strangely intimate, locking up for the night before joining his partner in her room. Only the faint lamp next to the bed was on, bathing Kensi's damp form in it's warm glow. Deeks shed his overshirt and shoes just inside the door and made his way over to her.

"Kens," he asked softly. Slowly, she turned her head to look at him. "I'm so tired," she murmured hoarsely. He nodded.

"Lie down, okay?" He pulled back the covers so she could slip between them, then draped them over her body. He was reaching out to click the lamp off when she spoke suddenly, urgently.

"Don't leave?" His heart broke at her fragile voice, so afraid, so lonely.

He shook his head. "I won't. I promise." Seeming satisfied, Kensi scooted over to allow him onto the bed. When he climbed in next to her, she immediately moved close to him, wrapping her arms around him for comfort. He reciprocated, understanding her need for contact. It wasn't long before her breathing evened out and became deeper. He, however, laid awake for a long time, thinking about the beautiful, broken woman he held in his arms. The woman who never let anyone see her as weak, who was strong and independent and didn't hesitate to let you know it. The woman who finally let down her walls to him.

Kensi was awoken by a strange vibration at her back. She groggily wondered what it was, but was too tired to investigate. Suddenly the heaviness around her that she'd assumed was her blanket moved. A few moments later, the vibration stopped, and a quiet voice asked warily, "Hello?"

Deeks, Kensi thought. The memories of the night before hit her like a truck, and she closed her eyes again, warding off the exhaustion and sadness that came with them.

"We are?" Deeks asked, sounding confused and a bit suspicious.

Kensi heard Deeks take a breath to say something else, but stopped and laughed instead. "How do you do that?" he muttered, sounding as if he was thinking aloud.

With great effort, Kensi rolled over and opened her eyes to find him staring at his phone. She assumed he'd been hung up on. "Hetty?" she asked knowingly.

He smiled down at her. "Yep, she was calling to let us know that we're taking the day off."

Kensi raised an eyebrow. "Really?"

"Really. So go back to sleep, okay? We didn't get to bed until three. You need more sleep."

"And you don't?" she accused.

She didn't miss the way his eyes darkened slightly. "I have some stuff I need to do," he hedged. "I won't leave though, promise. Sleep, please?"

Reluctantly, she nodded. "Just... don't move for a little while, okay?" He smiled, knowing she wanted him next to her as she fell asleep. She rolled to her side again, as he pulled her close. His comforting presence combined with her exhaustion quickly lulled her to sleep.

The next time she awoke, he was gone. She sat up quickly, hating herself for the spasm of panic that shot through her chest at his absence. She took a quick breath, and froze before laughing at herself in relief. The scent of frying bacon and eggs wafted through the door, and now that she was listening, she could hear the sound of him banging things around in her kitchen.

She pulled herself out of bed and glanced at herself in the mirror to make sure she didn't look absolutely terrifying, and padded down the hall, following the smell of breakfast. Finding the source, she had to smile at the sight of her partner at her stove, muttering under his breath.

"Morning," she said softly.

He jumped, nearly dropping a piece of bacon. "Ahaha, Kensi, how much of that did you hear? That was not meant for a lady's ears..."

She chuckled. "Since when are you so chivalrous?"

He grinned ruefully. "Since my baby sister moved in with me. Now this food isn't as good as hers, but she has been teaching me." He handed her a plate and gestured to the table, joining her a moment later with his own. They ate in comfortable silence until she saw an evidence bag on the counter.

"We get a case?" she asked, frowning at the plastic bag.

"What?" Deeks mumbled, his mouth full of bacon. Kensi rolled her eyes at him and pointed to the object in question. "Oh," Deeks said, swallowing quickly. "Um, no that's actually from an old LAPD case."

"Why's it here?"

Her partner took a deep breath. "I called an old buddy of mine, he was in charge of Jack's case a couple years back." She tensed, not sure where this was going. He got up and broke the seal on the bag, taking out the single piece of worn paper encased inside. He slowly slid it across the table to her. She immediately recognized the handwriting on the front.

"There was no last name, just Kensi, so they couldn't get it to you," Deeks explained softly. She looked up at him, asking a question with her eyes. Understanding, he assured her, "I didn't read it."

She nodded silently, and returned her gaze to the letter. She gently traced her name, running her fingers over the ridges the pen had left. She couldn't help wondering where he had been when he wrote this, what he'd been doing, thinking.

"Kens," Marty's voice softly broke through her thoughts. "You don't have to read it."

She shook her head. "Yes. Yes, I do." With that, she gingerly, reverently, unfolded the note.

My dearest Kensi,

I know you hate those cheesy beginnings, but I felt it was absolutely necessary. It has been one year, nine months, and twenty-three days since I left. I need you to know that every, single day has been complete torture without you. I haven't been taking my meds, which I know would disappoint you. They're hard to get on the streets, believe it or not. I don't dare go to a pharmacy, because I know they'll contact you if I get them.

You need to understand why I left. I know it will sound stupid to you, but it's the only thing that makes sense to me. I know you try to hide how scared you are every time I have a 'moment,' but I see it. I could always read you too well for your liking, I know. That last one... Kens, I almost killed you. I would have if I hadn't recognized your voice. The last week I was there, I lived in absolute terror that I would end up hurting you. Kensi, if that happened I wouldn't be able to bear it. I wouldn't be able to live with the guilt. You are the strongest woman I have ever met, and that includes the women I worked with over there, and I know you can protect yourself. I just didn't want our life together to be a terrifying trial, every single day, a fight for sanity and for security.

I love you. You have to know that. You are the only woman I have ever loved with this much intensity. It hurts to be without you. I wake up every morning happy, and then I remember what I did. I believe I did it for the right reasons, but it doesn't stop the hurt. I debated leaving this letter for you, because I know that if you ever do receive it, you will have learned of what I am about to do. Kensi, I am so sorry for this. I just can't take it any longer.

I saw you the other day. You were with another man. I could tell you were unhappy. Whenever he tried to touch you, you moved away. I don't even think you realized you were doing it. You seemed lonely, even in a bar full of men who would be more than happy to be in your company for the night. You had this far off look in your eyes, kind of like the one you get when you think about your father. The one that let me know you're missing him more than anything at that moment. But this one was different somehow, and I don't want to sound arrogant, but I know you were thinking of me. I hate that I have given you one more man to miss. I hate that by trying to avoid hurting you, I have done just that.

I know you will probably blame yourself for what is going to happen, just like you blame yourself for everything else. Your heart is too big for your own good. I love that about you, but I'm going to ask you this time to forget me. Forget all the pain I caused you, forget all the fear, all the lonliness. Please. Guilt tears you apart. It's NOT YOUR FAULT. My one last wish in this life is that you be happy and move on. I can't. I need you to do it for me. Find someone who makes you laugh, who will kiss you good morning and tell you he loves you every night. Find someone who will take care of you no matter what, because I couldn't. Find someone you love as much as or more than you loved me. I'm sorry.

I love you,

Jack

The paper was dotted with tear stains, the words blurred in some places. She knew they were his, and she watched as her own joined them, noting the irony. Sniffing, she reached out for Deeks' hand. He gently took it without comment.

"You good?" he asked after a few long moments, during which she stared at the letter, rereading it, memorizing it. She took a deep breath and nodded.

"Yeah," she murmured. "Yeah, I'm good." With mild surprise, she realized she meant it.

She looked up at her partner, at the man who had promised he would never leave her. Peering into his pure blue eyes, she knew he meant what he said, too.

"I'm good," she repeated softly, smiling through her tears.

Well, it's finally up, and I think I broke my chapter length record again. Yay me!

UPDATE! I have decided that I'm not done with this story yet. Yay! However, my muse has run off with some other stories/ideas, so I have no idea how I'm going to finish this one. Hopefully it will be up by the end of the summer, but I'm not sure when :( Keep me on your alerts :) but don't expect anything anytime soon (though who knows, maybe I'll surprise all of us)