Disclaimer: As usual, not mine, I just like to play with him.

After writing "My beautiful" I thought it would be only fair to let him explain things from his perspective. This is what came out.

Oh, and I love to read your thoughts. Thanks to everyone who reviewed "My beautiful".

And a special thanks to Shakespeare´s Lemonade! You´ve been a great help.

I never thought it would be this hard and painful. But then again, I never thought I´d find someone who I´d consider for "and they lived happily ever after". I sat in my car for about an hour now, not ready to leave and not ready to face her. Still there was nothing that I wanted more than hold her and feel her and just making myself believe this was real, she was real.

I can´t even begin to understand what she had to go through over the past 2 months. I know she got the message that I was MIA, probably dead, circumstances classified. God, this was the reason why it was so much easier when you´re on your own. Having a spouse or a girlfriend doesn´t work well when you´re in my kind of business. I´m Lt. Commander Steve McGarrett, Navy SEAL. And I´m sitting here, staring at my house, too damn afraid to face her.

When I left her, I prepared myself for not coming back. That´s what I always do, say goodbye like I won´t come back. This way it´s easier to deal with the consequences. Regret can kill you, make you careless and the moment you stop paying attention, when you let your guard down... Boom! It kills you. I never wanted to leave her but I had to, that´s my job. So I made sure that morning that I wouldn´t have to regret anything in case I was not able to come back. We never spoke about it, about this little spleen, but I know she knows it.

I can tell by the way she holds onto me, the way her heart is beating and the way she is looking at me, as if she wants to remember every little detail so she doesn´t forget. She´s a tough woman, she´s strong and independent and goddamn stubborn, but in those moments she´s just my wife. My love. And it kills me to see her trying so hard to not break down. She never does, she´s always strong for me but I know the moment the door closes behind me, she´s broken.

I wish I could have saved her from going through this experience. We´ve spoken about it countless times and I tried to prepare her for the very possible chance that one day I might not come back. First she refused to accept this, she wouldn´t even want to talk about it. But a few months down the road, she started to talk about it, about her fear of loosing me. We lay in bed, my arms securely wrapped around her after I had made love to her. I thought she was asleep but suddenly she started to talk and all I could do was listen. I knew that she had to get it out, had to voice it, and I´ll never forget her voice being thick with tears and pain, her body melting into mine.

I´m a Navy SEAL, a highly decorated officer, trained and ready to fulfil every mission my country expects me to go on. But that very moment left me helpless and scared. Being a SEAL doesn´t prepare you for your scared wife who is actually the strong one in the relationship. Dealing with dangerous situations or terrorists or bombs is a walk in the park compared to that. Because this is nothing you can train for, this is something that cuts you to the core, that wrenches your heart and that forces you to face your own fears.

My fear was never to get killed, because that is what you always have in mind when you go on a mission. You don´t think about it, but you know the possibility is there and you deal with it. My worst fear was and is, that I never get to see her again. That I never get to hold her again, tell her that I love her and show her how much she means to me. That I fail to keep my promise. In good and in bad days, through Sickness and Health.

When I met her I didn´t expect it to be more than just a fun thing. I was just transferred from Naval Intelligence to the SEALs and my first priority was to survive the training. And then I met her. Well, actually she bumbed into me, crashed her car into mine. I was furious, getting out of the car, ready to just yell at her. She apologized, her hands waving while she explained how she had a hard day and she was just so fucking tired and didn´t pay enough attention. I didn´t care, I think I stopped listening to her rant the moment I saw her. She was beautiful with dark curls that fell over her back and big, brown eyes. Her face was flawless and her lips full and red. She wore Jeans and a white shirt. No jewellery. Sneakers. I still remembered that moment vividly. When she looked up our eyes met for the first time and she stopped talking. It sounds like a fucking romantic movie, two strangers in a car accident, on a road, just staring at each other, but it was just like that.

Even though I told her that it was okay, insurance would cover it, she wanted to cook me dinner to apologize and I accepted. That night we talked until the sun dawned the next morning, like we had known each other for years. We dated for a few months, whenever I had time to see her. And slowly it got more and more intense. I was drawn to her, she was my best friend and she supported me, even though she hated my job.

I remember the moment I realized that I love her. The evening before we were having a fight – I don´t even remember what it was about - and it was loud and with a lot of yelling and all that. That´s how it always was with us, I guess you could say we enjoyed a good fight. As soon as the air was clean, we cooled down and when we got to bed, all was said and there were no hard feelings between us anymore. I woke up the next morning and she was lying next to me, facing me. She has never been more beautiful, her face relaxed in her sleep, her full lips slightly open. She looked like an angel and that view was burned into my memory forever. I knew that I would always remember her like this, and trust me, there were countless moments when this picture in my head was all that kept me going. She never knew, because I never told her, but she saved my life more than once without even knowing it.

The thought of seeing her face like this every morning, for the rest of my life, made me realize that I fell in love with her. It scared me to feel so deeply for someone, but I couldn´t deny the warmth that spread through me. She was the one. And while I still struggled with my feelings, she opened her eyes, looking at me and smiling this beautiful smile. And without thinking I said "I love you." Just like that. And she said "Took you long enough, sailor... I love you too." And then she kissed me and believe it or not, I was butter in her hands.

We got married in a small chapel, just her and me and a priest, during my leave. She had no family and mine... well I didn´t have much of a family either. We bought a house just a few miles off base and she made it our home. I wasn´t there to help her pick stuff, but whenever I returned, I came home. To her.

She never said a word but I know she hated being married to a SEAL. I was gone most of the time and there was no way for me to contact her or to tell her where I was going. I was gone for months and months and she was alone. But I came back to her, every single time. And she would welcome me at home, throwing herself in my arms and allowing me to kiss her. See, the first kiss after every mission was important for a reason. It would ground me. I needed to kiss her to be able to move from being a SEAL to being a husband again. She was my rock in the surf and without her, I wouldn´t have made it.

I probably should have told her all this. But I never had the courage. And I never knew how. I´m not good with words and I lack in social skills. That´s what she always teases me with, saying I´m 30 but I act like a grumpy old man who lived in the forest for all his life and only talks to chipmunks.

Sitting here, watching the house and seeing the dim light in it, feels strange and comforting at the same time. I know she´s there, just a few feet away from me. But I´m frozen, not able to move a single muscle. Apart from the fact that the shot wound on my right side is still bothering me and apart from me being sore all over.

Okay, I´ll admit it, I´m scared. See? The big, bad NavySEAL is scared shitless because of his wife. I don´t know what to expect. What if she has already moved on and forgot about me? What if she had already found someone to replace me? Someone who´s there to share every days life with her. What if she had abandoned me?

I rub my hand over my tired face. I´m still wearing my camouflage because I directly came home. That was the only thing that I could think off, coming home. I imagined this moment for weeks now, the moment I´d see her again. So why, dammit, wasn´t I able to get out of the car and just open the door? Maybe it was because she wasn´t the only one who was afraid to loose. What would I do if I lost her?

When I came back from the first deployment she was there at the harbour. She hadn´t seen me yet so I took my time and watched her. She wore a light summer dress and she looked nervous. I was nervous too, this was the first time that someone welcomed me home. I didn´t realize how much I needed her to be there until I saw her. Suddenly it didn´t matter that this has been a tough mission and that I had lost 2 men of my unit. It didn´t matter that I felt dirty, guilty and exhausted. It didn´t matter that even though I accomplished the mission, I´d probably would face an investigation.

All that mattered was her.

When she finally saw me, a large smile appeared on her face and I felt relieved. Relieved that I didn´t make it up in my head, but that everything that had happened between us was real. She slowly walked towards me and then she stood in front of me, close enough so I could smell her. "Welcome home, sailor." she said. And I just dropped my bag, wrapped my arms around her and pulled her close. It felt so good to finally hold her again and feel her. "I missed you." I told her and I didn´t recognize my own voice. It was rough and full of emotions. "I know. I missed you too."

I knew that my embrace was probably too tight, but I couldn´t help myself. She lifted her face towards me, her arms held me and when our lips finally met for the first time after 10 months, everything fell back into place. The thoughts that were running through my head were silenced. I was at ease, feeling her was all that mattered. She was warm, welcoming and so innocent that I just wanted to consume her, to completely absorb her.

I needed her. She was the only thing in my life that really was worth all the shit I had been through. She completed me, she saved me.

'Damn McGarrett, get your shit together and go to your wife!' I cursed myself. She must have been through hell, being informed I was probably dead. It killed me knowing that I´ve put her through so much. It would have been the smartest thing to have sex and then just walk away. I should have never allowed her to sneak into my heart and make herself a place in my life. I should have protected her, so that she wouldn´t have to face what she had to face just now. But I wasn´t smart, I wasn´t brave when it came to her. I was a selfish bastard, because I couldn´t let her go. I couldn´t live without her strength and her humor and her ability to see me for who I really am.

Suddenly I saw a movement inside the house and my senses were on alert. She was there! Just mere feet away from me. Without thinking I nearly jumped out of the car and stood in front of the door. I lifted my hand to knock, forgetting about the keys in my pocket, when the door opened. And there she was, my wife. The light from inside made me see that her eyes were red from crying, her hair was a mess and she had lost weight, so that her jeans were just fitting loose. But to me she had never been more beautiful. I saw the shock, knowing her initial reaction would be to scream so I said:

"Hey beautiful."