Chapter Fifty
Goodbye Lullaby

Depression is an odd thing.

It is like a predator, lingering in the shadows with it's eyes fixed on the next victim.

It just so happens that I am the victim.

Goodbye, goodbye

Goodbye my love

I hold a sleeping Robyn as I stand by the window, gazing out silently. No thoughts occupy my mind.

It is simply blank.

A blank page.

No words, no pictures, no music.

Blank.

I can't hide, can't hide

Can't hide what has come

I recieve a text from Mum, telling me that she will be over to pick up Robyn soon.

Robyn is going to spend the day with Grandma.

Mum loves Robyn. She'll look after her.

I have to go

I have to go

Standing at the window, Robyn in my arms, I find it strange how I don't feel anything.

I feel no pain for the loss of Sweeney, nor any pain knowing that I am going to loose Robyn.

It's odd.

Is this depression?

I don't know.

I have to go

And leave you alone

I can only feel grateful that I have Mum, a loving adult that will care for Robyn and give her the life I can never give.

I'm sad that I have to go, but it is what I have to do.

Robyn stirs in my arms, waking up.

I gaze down at her silently, rocking her as she begins to fuss, and take her downstairs.

I need to feed her.

But always know

Always know

Always know I love you so

I do love Robyn.

Robyn is my daughter, my first child.

I love her more than words can ever describe.

But she reminds me so much of Sweeney.

It almost hurts.

I love you so

I love you so

My movements are slow, automatic.

It's as if my body has been taken over, nothing more than a mere puppet in a cruel show of pain and loss.

If this is what I must feel for Robyn to be cared for, then so be it.

I sit down with her and feed her, her usually amusing antics meaning nothing to me.

Nothing.

Nothing scares me.

Such a simple word, yet one that haunts me.

Nothing.

Goodbye brown eyes

Goodbye for now

After feeding her, I take Robyn upstairs to dress her.

She's so big now.

Her eyes are so beautiful. The same colour as mine, yet filled with a joyful innocence that is never found.

I love her eyes.

Goodbye sunshine

Take care of yourself

I know that she is going to be cared for, and that is all that really matters.

While Robyn plays in contentment, I pick up a notepad and pen, sitting down on the ground next to her.

Taking off the lid of the pen, I begin to write.

I have to go

I have to go

Mum, I write.

By the time that you are reading this, I will be gone.

Sweeney and I are in trouble. We've been in trouble for a long time, and now Robyn's life is in danger. We've left. Inside the bag I've given you are two envelopes. One of them is a letter for Robyn that I want you to give to her when she is eleven. Do not read it beforehand. It is for Robyn only.

The other envelope contains the key to the shop. Do what you want. Take anything you want. Sell it, if you have to.

I'm sorry, Mum.

I'm so sorry.

I must be a disappointment, and I'm not proud of myself for doing this. But I'm not going to risk my only daughter being hurt because of my foolishness.

I'm not a strong person. I'm like Dad. I'm weak.

I love you so much. Please tell Ciaran, Eoghan, Bronagh and Ryan that I love them as well. Never let Robyn forget that I love her.

Niamh.

Lies.

The whole letter is filled with lies.

I have to go

And leave you alone

We are not in trouble. Robyn's life is not in danger. I have not been foolish.

But I do love her.

I love Mum. I love Ciaran and Eoghan. I love Bronagh. I love Ryan.

But most of all, I love Sweeney and Robyn.

Which is why I must do this.

But always know

Always know

Always know

That I love you so

Oh Robyn.

I love you.

I love you so much.

You don't understand, not really. You're too young. You're lying on your back, tugging at your toys and squealing with delight each time they light up or begin to play music. Your life is simple but happy.

So unlike mine.

Taking an envelope, I place the letter for Mum into it and put that to one side. Picking up my notepad once more, I begin another letter.

I love you so

Oh

I love you so

Ohh

This is Robyn's letter.

I write everything down that I want her to know, because she'll deserve the truth when she's older.

Never forget that we're watching over you, and I hope that one day, you may be able to bring yourself to forgive me.

Your father and I love you, Robyn Johanna Todd.

Never forget it.

Mum

I finish it with a kiss, folding the letter and holding it close to my chest.

Oh Robyn.

I am sorry.

I am so sorry.

La-lullaby distract me with your rhymes

La-lullaby

Robyn is dressed, her bag is packed.

She's ready.

I'm ready.

Mum doesn't take long to arrive, and I'm glad when she does.

"Hello, love!"

As always, she hugs me tight and kisses my cheek. I hug her back, burying my face into her shoulder so that I can inhale the musky scent of her perfume.

Mum.

"Are you alright?" She asks suddenly, holding me out at arms length. She looks worried, concerned.

"I'm fine," I insist. Lie. "Why?"

"You look pale. Are you sleeping alright?"

"Of course I am. I'm just feeling a bit ill, that's all."

Mum doesn't look convinced, but doesn't press on.

"Right, I was thinking about taking this one to the zoo," She announces with a wide grin. "I've got Bronagh and Ryan with me."

"Robyn will like that." I say, forcing out a smile.

It hurts.

La-lullaby help me sleep tonight

La-lullaby

"Are you sure that you're alright?" Mum asks again.

(la-lullaby)

"Yes Mum."

La-lullaby

"Alright, then. I'll see you later."

"Have fun at the zoo."

I hug Mum again and kiss her cheek before kneeling in front of you, Robyn. I gaze at you silently, brushing your hair out of your face before leaning forwards and kissing your forehead.

"I love you." I whisper, so that only you can hear.

When Mum is gone, I shut the door and turn to the hidden steps.

I have to go

I have to go

My legs are shaking as I walk forwards, taking slow and reluctant steps.

I haven't been downstairs since that night.

I have to go and leave you alone

But always know

Always know

Always know that I love you so

I just hope that Robyn knows that I love her.

I do.

It may not seem like it, but I do love her.

I'm doing this for her own good.

I love you so

I love you so

But I love Sweeney.

I love Sweeney, and I don't think that I can live without him.

I don't want to live without him.

I love you so

The door of the bakehouse is still open.

I love you so

I step inside, shutting it behind me.

I love you so

I make sure it's locked before walking forwards, kneeling down.

I love you so

I pick up the razor.

Goodbye brown eyes

I do it here, in this way, because it means something.

It's poetic, really.

Squeezing my eyes shut, I cut my throat with one quick flick of my wrist.

I feel a stab of searing pain, but then nothing.

Nothing.

I can feel my body slump, falling to the ground as I bleed, but I feel no pain.

Nothing.

As my eyes slide shut, death drawing closer than ever before, I can only think one thing.

Goodbye my love

I'm sorry, Robyn.

~Goodbye Lullaby, Avril Lavigne

Thank you to everyone who has reviewed this story; you guys are the reason that I continue to write. Please look out for the sequel In The Dark Beside You.

Bet you all hate me for the ending!