We cannot destroy kindred: our chains stretch a little sometimes, but they never break. - Marquise de Sévigné
This reminded Reid too much of the cult case he had worked with Prentiss three years ago. On the outside, this place had looked like a regular school, until the men outside appeared with weapons suitable for going to war. He had to remind himself, though, that this was different. This was a hostage situation. A group attack on innocent kids.
Hotch's first concern had been for the children inside, and for his team. They knew JJ was inside. Their intention had been to take a look around the scene, and make sure the kids were safe. Derek was inside, too, and that made them feel a little better. The only thing that eased Reid's mind this time around was that Emily was here with him. He was not planning to let her out of his sight.
JJ was on high alert as she tried to deal with 50 ten-year-olds that milled around her, looking traumatized. She kept Derek in sight at all times. They worked well together, as she knew he always had her back, and she wouldn't flinch before moving to protect him. These kids were watchful and anxious. The women were strangely, maddeningly silent.
When a hand clamped down on her arm, JJ didn't have time to react. She struggled - trying to find Derek - and found him being held at gunpoint by a second huge man. JJ was dragged out the door and down several hallways until she was completely disoriented.
JJ wasn't really religious, but moments like these had her praying to something - anything - that might spare her. She was careful not to speak. Not to show fear. Not to do what her gut suggested and beg for her life. She kept her eyes on the floor, until her hair was yanked.
"You work for the press?" he demanded, and JJ swallowed back her fear.
Derek felt like he was in another world. Here, he and JJ had come to help run point on this hostage situation and the next thing he knew, JJ was being hauled off, he was held at gunpoint, and there was a perimeter of soldiers outside the building. All this, and the kids sat still. They barely made a sound.
They were probably in shock. Derek thought of JJ and hoped she was able to keep her head. He hoped that their team would get here soon, so they could get the hell out of here. He kept his hands up, and kept his features schooled and calm. He breathed, praying it would not be his last, even as, somewhere, a trigger was pulled.
If there was anything Hotch knew from years on the job, it was that waiting, in a situation like this, was not to their advantage. They were already inside. They were already finding kids inexplicably walking the halls. They led them to safety when the blast of a shotgun was heard.
Garcia was hard at work in her office, running records of scumbags through search engines when an email appeared on her screen. Her heart was in her throat already, since her babies were out at a tiny Vermont school where a group of terrorists had taken over. She was working her fastest to feed them information and even that did not seem to be fast enough.
The subject line: Press Release caught Garcia's attention and her inner warning sensor went off like crazy. Quickly, she opened the email and sat stunned as she watched JJ read some statement from a dank, empty place. She seemed composed enough, but for the large bullet hole just behind her head. And the fact that she looked clearly roughed up and was handcuffed to the chair.
"The list of demands is as follows…" her friend read, her voice shaking only slightly.
Garcia didn't hesitate. She sent the link for the live feed to Hotch and the rest of the team. Maybe they could figure out what to do next.
JJ's ears were ringing and her heart was about to pound out of her chest, but she willed her voice to remain steady as she read out the message the unsub handed her. She was careful to read only what was on the page and nothing more. She was not about to try anything, since he blew a hole in the wall directly behind her. And that had just been a warning.
"Do exactly as instructed, and do so quickly. This building is rigged to explode, and this…he toyed with JJ's hair… "Well, I have specific orders regarding what to do to this, as well."
The gun was pressed to JJ's temple and she swallowed.
Then, the camera was turned off, and she was hit so hard stars danced in front of her eyes.
Rossi, Reid, Hotch and Prentiss led S.W.A.T. into the building. Quickly, quietly, efficiently, they had taken down numerous unsubs dressed in fatigues, around the outside of the building. Now, it was time to get JJ and Morgan out of there. They had all received the message from Garcia. Seen that JJ had been taken to a second location, and seen the unsub walking toward her with intent before the camera was switched off.
Ashley knew that the kids were being evacuated safely. That Morgan was okay. But she was determined to find JJ before it was too late. She knew protocol and she knew she was breaking it. Frankly, Ashley didn't care. If this team taught her anything, it was to have each other's backs and never leave someone behind. It was like the military. It was like a family.
She stole down a hallway, took some stairs soundlessly, and drew her weapon up short as she rounded a corner.
There was JJ, curled up defensively on the floor. There was the huge man in charge of beating her within an inch of her life.
Ashley didn't hesitate. She sure as hell didn't wait for him to turn. She raised her weapon, and squeezed the trigger.
Then, she ran to JJ's side.
"We need a medic! Downstairs! South side, off the gym!" she called, stepping up beside JJ and squeezing her hand.
"Are you okay?" Ashley asked, her voice too loud.
JJ groaned. She was bruised and bloody. Her once long hair had been cut short and lay all around her in blonde tufts. But at least she was conscious.
They had all gone in, and they would all come out.
"Garcia, would you stop? I'm okay," JJ insisted as her friend hovered around her.
"You look like you lost a prize-fight," Garcia objected. "I'm glad you have both your ears…" she joked lightly.
JJ didn't say that wasn't entirely true anymore. One eardrum had been ruptured and her hearing and balance were still messed up. That, and she had to deal with looking in the mirror each day and scaring the hell out of herself, not only because of the bruises, but because her hair was gone. It was the length of a boy's. Butchered. In order to make it look even somewhat presentable, it needed to be cut even shorter. By now, a couple weeks later, JJ had been able to make the look work. Garcia told her she looked like an adorable pixie elf. It didn't seem to matter that her face was still bruised. She still woke up countless times during the night, sure that a gun was leveled in her face. Sure that she was about to die.
Will was there, of course, alternately reassuring her and cursing the person who did this. It didn't make her feel any safer. More times than she wanted to admit, JJ found herself curled in Henry's blue racecar toddler bed, her arms around him. It was the only way she could fully convince herself that she was okay.
No one knew that the threats made against her were what scared her the most. No one knew that had Ashley not broken procedure and come to find JJ on her own, there would have been no hope. JJ had seen the gun, obviously, but she had also seen the knife, the tire iron, the rope, and the gasoline and matches. There would have been nothing left of her. She didn't know how to thank them. She didn't know how to keep going after all of this.
It brought to mind other cases. Certain moments she wished she could take back. Or moments when she wished she could take her fearlessness and translate it directly onto this case. It reminded her of Penelope.
This was JJ's worst fear. Not pulling the trigger, but the taking of a life. She was sure that this would change her, even as she stood and forced herself to walk with a calm that she did not feel. She listened to her shoes hitting the floor - listened to the echo that they made. She tuned her senses to listen for anything else.
That son-of-a-bitch somehow made it inside the BAU.
JJ could see them through the pane of glass. The new tech analyst, slouched low in the chair. Hotch and Rossi with their weapons drawn, and that asshole with the internal affairs guy at gunpoint. The words are muted, and yet they are clear enough.
"You think I'm afraid of the FBI?" the unsub rants.
She was ready, but she wasn't.
He turned.
JJ squeezed the trigger.
In the moments afterward, there was chaos. In the BAU it was controlled, but inside JJ, it was not at all. So, she kept to herself. She sat atop a desk that wasn't hers, and angled herself away from the shattered door. The body on the floor. When it is covered with a yellow tarp, she felt relief, but only a little.
She remembers that she couldn't stop her hands from shaking, so she'd keeps her arms crossed. She knew enough about the job to realize she was in shock, but the last thing she wanted was for people to make a big deal out of her. That was why she stays out of the way. She answered the questions asked by the cops.
Someone - JJ wasn't sure who - congratulates her, and JJ pretends not to hear it. She pressed her lips tightly together. She tried to disconnect herself from this. She remembers wishing she could smack whoever said it. Because no matter what, discharging a weapon - taking a life - is not something to congratulate. Unsub or not.
Something broke inside JJ and she wished it could have been like that this time. That she could have had some power. Done something to stop what was done to her. But there had been nothing, and instead she was nearly killed waiting for help to come to her.
"Hey, are you okay?" Garcia asked, touching JJ's shoulder gently.
And JJ couldn't stop the reaction. The stiffening of her body. The way she lashed out, shoving against the hand on her.
"Don't touch me! Just stay the hell away from me!" JJ screamed, her body aching, anxiety tearing through her like a storm, out of control. She stumbled back, looking desperately for some way out of here. Some sense of safety. She listened for the voices of her team but could only hear the blood rushing in her own ears.
"Whoa. Okay…" Garcia took a few steps back, lowering her voice and sitting down.
She knew JJ wasn't going to be field-ready for sometime, but she hadn't been able to go through cases alone in her office, so she and Garcia had joined forces in Garcia's bat cave. It was a great solution as far as Garcia was concerned. Until JJ got a strange, faraway look in her eyes and sat too still. Was too quiet.
Now, it was obvious that Garcia had scared the crap out of JJ without meaning to. She was sorry. She wanted to fix things, but she had no idea how. So she went on instinct. Garcia was no expert on the mind of JJ but she was determined to become one, and fast.
JJ could feel it. The same terror. She instinctively checked for her gun and cursed when it was not where it should have been. She tried to get her breath. Tried to focus. But the room was dark and full of screens. There was a camera. If she closed her eyes, she could smell the sweat and emptiness of that room.
Her breath came out in short gasps. It felt like she was dying, her body aching and her mind racing and not being able to take in enough air. Right now, JJ's fear was bigger than her rationale. She needed to get out of here. She needed to get out, where she could breathe again. She needed to find her team and to know that they had her back. But she couldn't see anything but blackness. Couldn't feel anything but a viscous hand on her already-bruised shoulder. Boots to her ribs. The crack of a gun firing too close.
She needed something to do. Something to take her mind off what was happening, so she tried to sift through whatever papers were on the desk. She picked one up and tried to read the words, hoping it would calm her, but it only made everything worse. She remembered reading her captor's demands in front of a camera, just before he caressed her hair and beat her within an inch of her life.
"JJ… Hey… It's Garcia. Are you okay?"
Garcia had set everything aside. Set her phone to go straight to voicemail. This was more important. Her girl was more important. Her best friend. How often had Garcia hoped and prayed and sent good vibes out to the universe that she be allowed to come back and work here? And then, how often had she done the same after she got that video of JJ being held by some sicko on a case?
Friends were life's most precious gifts, and Garcia meant to take care of hers the way she was meant to. She rolled her chair slowly over to JJ and spoke again.
"Jaje. Look at me. It's Garcia. You're with me. Everything's cool. Okay? I'm sorry I scared you. Hey…" she said again, until JJ met her eyes and shook her head as if she just now could understand the words Garcia was saying. "Do you know where you are?" Garcia pressed gently.
Slowly, JJ nodded, her eyes a little wild, her posture stiff. Her breathing was still shallow. Bruises and cuts marked her pretty face, and though Garcia had complimented her hair, the style actually hurt to look Garcia hated to think of what it represented.
"Just breathe…" Garcia encouraged softly, careful not to touch her.
"I'm okay. Sorry…I'm okay…" JJ insisted, trying to smile, though her eyes were dark with other thoughts. Though she still shook like someone was after her. She tried to stand, and wavered a little on her feet.
"No, no, no…" Garcia said, reaching to steady her. When JJ flinched, it broke Garcia's heart. "I'm not going to hurt you. Okay? I just wanted to make sure you were okay. Now can you sit down again? Please?"
Slowly, JJ sank back down to the chair, still wary.
"Don't try to rush through this. It's okay to be scared. I'm here for you. I'll always be here for you. If you want to talk, I'm here, and if you don't, that's fine, too. I just don't want you to think that you have to go through this alone."
"But I was alone," JJ said, her voice strange. It came out quiet and thick and not like her at all. "And you don't want to hear this stuff, Garcia…no one does…trust me. I didn't want to. Once someone tells you these things, they're out there for good and you can't take them back."
Deliberately and slowly, Garcia reached out a hand, and took JJ's in her own. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry we weren't there when you needed us…I would do anything for it to be different, and I'm sorry it can't be… And no matter how bad it is…if you need to talk, or want to talk…I'll listen. Okay? I promise?"
JJ pressed her lips together, determined, it seemed, not to speak a single word. But they came anyway.
"Anytime anybody touches me, it…feels like it's him. I don't feel safe anywhere. I can't sleep. It's like I'm reliving it every day, and I keep remembering more about it…and just when I think it can't get any worse…" Her voice broke. "…It does."
Garcia didn't say a word, but waited until JJ glanced up at her. "Can I give you a hug?"
JJ nodded, blinking back tears. She tried to swallow the huge lump in her throat, and the minute Garcia's arms wrapped around her, JJ fought to control herself. She didn't need to be freaking out. She needed this. Just someone here for her, willing to hold her and love her through all this pain.
Against her will, JJ still felt herself stiffen. She could not hug Garcia back. She couldn't do anything except keep breathing, and hope that Garcia would keep holding on.
"It's just me," Garcia said sweetly, as tears tracked down her own cheeks. "Do you want me to let go?"
"No," JJ answered quickly. "Please. Don't leave me alone…"
"I'll never leave you alone. Okay? Not ever. Not unless you tell me that's what you want." Garcia promised. "You're okay now. I've got you."
JJ closed her eyes, feeling tears slip down her cheeks, and feeling the walls come down around her heart. She held on tight to Garcia, as if she might disappear at any moment, and this kindness would be gone, leaving her just with the darkness of her memories.
Garcia could feel JJ's heart pounding hard, could feel her shaking, could feel her falling apart.
"It's all right," she reassured. "Just feel it, and know that I'm with you, feeling it, too. You didn't do anything wrong. This wasn't your fault. It's okay to cry…This was a scary thing…but I've got you. We're together in this, okay? You're not alone."
Garcia's personal cell phone vibrated on her hip and she reached down with a hand to snatch it up. "Not now," she snapped, though it was Hotch, and about the case. When he asked why, she thought fast. "Family emergency," she said and hung up before he had the chance to respond.
JJ tried pulling away a few times, but Garcia had arms like a vice grip. When her cell phone rang, it jogged JJ's memory and she remembered they weren't here to hug and lose it in front of each other. They were here to work. When she tried to put distance between them, Garcia just talked to her quietly and asked if she wanted to be alone. It was the last thing JJ wanted, and she couldn't lie.
"Thank you," JJ managed, after several more minutes. "I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm sorry for shoving you…"
"You're fine, Jaje. Just chill for a sec," Garcia said, with an unusual firmness. So JJ let herself sit and feel and be, and not rush through this. This, she knew, would take some time.
This, she knew, was only the beginning. But at least she had Garcia. At least she had her team. She took Garcia's hand and squeezed it when Garcia powered up her office again. They worked, side by side. Garcia typed and answered phones with one hand while JJ stuck push-pins in maps and studied evidence.
All this, and they were together, just like Garcia promised.